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Knottie_22383574

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Bellsmom

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BMoreBride6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_maid-of-honor-dress-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c3789f33-d78b-4a13-b4d0-abaa15a9a587Post:d6eaa787-5889-4ab8-9e96-c586300fdd64">Maid of honor dress dilemma</a>:
[QUOTE]I am my best friends maid of honor for her May 18th wedding. She has 5 bridesmaids and me. So far her bridal party has been a nightmare no one is putting much energy into helping with anything. I have been doing a lot and have been there by the brides side from day 1. Thats my job and i have no problem with that but the other night I found out one of the bridesmaids is going to be wearing the same dress as me. There was already talk about her replacing me or joining me as another maid of honor and now I find out she is wearing the same dress. I did ask the bride why we had the same length and color dress and she said it was because both our daughters are flower girls and so we can match them but I know plenty of people who have multiple flower girls and the bridesmaids don't match them. So then she said ill put her in the long dress and I thought we were all set. Then the bridesmaid mentioned the bride wanted her to try on the dress at my house so she could order it for her. So I guess it's not all set. I love my best friend and want to do everything I can for her but none of these other girls or the other girl who is going to match me ( who is also a good friend of the bride but always has excuses to not do things and ends up coming out looking good). My fiancé was laid off and we have financial issues also and the bride sees marys financial issues as her pass to not have to do anything that as an excuse for Mary the other maid who will match me but I have the same issues just if I don't things no one will. I'm honestly hurt though I felt like the only recognition I had was to wear the maid of honor dress and stand out and be recognized now I don't even have that. How do I handle this? Am I wrong for feeling this way? <strong>Shouldn't the maid of honor wear a different dress if that was the plan from the start? I know this seems like such a small detail but with all the drama already involved its enough to just really just hurt me and I'm sure it's not her intention so that's why I'm asking for advice on how to approach it without</strong> causing damage. Thank you,
Posted by Bellsmom[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I don't know how to put this without it sounding mean...but keep in mind, its your friend's day to be recognized, not yours.  There is no rule saying the MOH gets her own special dress...heck I have 3 MOH's and they are wearing the same dresses as the others (and they would have never complained about not being recognized or anything).  To answer your question, no you don't bring it up.  I'm not going to say you shouldn't feel this way, as no one can dictate how you feel or what is or isn't right, but you can control your actions.  Just be there for your friend...if you feel she is putting too much on your plate financially, just politely explain that to her.  I'm sure she will understand.  You're right, her intention was never to hurt you and if there is really other drama involved, why add to it?  I'd let this one slide and be there for your friend in whatever ways you feel comfortable.  </div><div>

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Summer2011Bride

None of you are obligated to help with anything. If you CHOOSE to do that, awesome. But the other BMs are not required to help just because you chose to do that.

Also, I have only once seen the MOH in a different dress than the BMs. It's pretty common for them to all wear the same thing. I would let that go and not worry about it.

erinlin25

Its nice of you to help out the bride, but I hope you know that is not required.  At the end of the day a bridesmaid and a maid of honor does the same thing--they show up on the wedding day wearing a certain dress and stand up with the bride instead of sitting in the audience like a normal guest.  They do not have to do anything for the bride, plan parties, etc unless of course they want to/are able to.  Just because you chose to do these things does not mean you have to "stand out."  You were not chosen to be the maid of honor because you did more for the bride, you were chosen to be a moh because you were important to the bride.  I have only been to one wedding where the MOH wore a different dress than the bridesmaids.    People will know you are "important" to the bride simply because you are in the wedding party.  Its ok if another girl has the same dress and if the bride wants to have 2 co-MOHs than that is up to her. 

I will say that if she was going to have two MOHs then it would have been better for her to have done it that way from the beginning, rather than "promoting" someone after the fact--I'm sure that does make you feel less important, but I highly doubt it wasn't anything personal.

I am not having a MOH, I have 5 bridesmaids. I have 3 best friends who I did not want to pick between to make one feel more important than the other, so I made them along with the two others all "bridesmaids."  All 5 were important to me and that is why I asked them to be in my wedding party.  Between the 5 girls, they chose 2 different styles of dresses. No one is going to think the 2 wearing a different style dress is any more important than the other 3 (2 of my best friends chose one style, the other 3 chose a different style).  My 3 best friends are planning my bachelorette party--not because they are bridesmaids, but because they wanted to and because they are my friends.  They were not obligated to do so.

You should help the bride because you want to, not because you feel obligated to.      

Knottie_22383574

I don't have it in front of me its somewhere in my bedroom where my fiancé is sleeping. If he was awake I wd go look for it. I know it has red on the cover and a dress not sure about the author but I think it's called the bridesmaid guide or something? I also googled my questions and got these responses http://wedding.theknot.com/bridesmaids-mother-of-the-bride/bridal-shower-ideas/articles/bridal-shower-host-etiquette.aspx. http://weddings.weddingchannel.com/wedding-planning-ideas/wedding-etiquette/qa/who-pays-for-the-brides-bachelorette-party.aspx. I have no problem with hosting my bff's shower and party I love her and want her to have the best night out and shower. I am def not a pro on weddings but truly do have her best interest at heart. I also have no problem helping her with all the other things I've been helping with. I no longer work do to my health. May 3rd 2011 I had to have brain surgery I had posterior fossa decompression w a natural dura plasty then almost a yr later I had spinal cord surgery section of filum terminal w disectomy L5/S1 then a few ms later another spine surgery. So I'm now a stay at home mom and during the day I can do things and always offer my time to try and help in any way possible. I know it's hard to explain things in a few posts and after reading my posts I even find them confusing so I apologize. It's just a long story the whole situation with the bridesmaids and who wants to do what and who want to spend what and who doesn't. It's all just confusing and stressful and I feel so bad over it Im finding myself laying awake at night thinking about it.

Knottie_22383574

The last thing I want to do is let my bf down. If I let her down or she had a party and shower that she didn't enjoy I would feel awful!. I just want all of us to work as a happy team and enjoy a fun night out that the bride will hopefully cherish forever.

Knottie_22383574

Your misunderstanding if people don't show up then there isn't a party. I'm not measuring them this is what I meant by it was complicated and a long story. Everyone has been going bk and fourth with what THEY want. If it isn't exactly the way it turns in to arguments. With 7 women it can't be just one persons way. So I tried to take everyone's ideas and put to to a vote and the ideas are based off of things the bride enjoys. It's Been months of going bk and fourth I'm just saying we shld be able to cm together for the brides sake. I only came on here for support. I feel like everything I write is being taken the wrong way. Have any of you had Bachelorette parties? If so who has been in attendance? We're you happy? Who throw your party? The only thing I meant was that I just wish the bridesmaids would come to the party that is most important! If they do cm when we have dinner obviously they can control that w what they order and control their costs with what they do. We are going to a show then going to the casino. Once there Gonna have a scavenger hunt for the bride and a list of crazy things to do that's fun. We are staying overnight in the casino hotel they have a pool and hot tub so we can relax. But we have a list of over 15 different idea those are the only def things we have so far. So it's not really as much about money but figuring out who will be there. Months ago everyone said yes 100% they would be at the party no matter what we do now its just a lot of arguing because a few people want it only one way. As far as money it's only 1 person who has an issue. So that's not it at all.

Knottie_22383574

As far as my problems I guess I was just looking for a supportive place to help answer any questions I have and listen to me vent. My problems won't stop me from making sure my best friend gets a great night out like she deserves.

Salsera29

I don't think anyone is misreading your posts, it's just that you have gotten bad advice and they're trying to combat that. The whole idea that the bride "deserves" a bachelorette party and that all the BM's have to plan together and pay is just not true. Your idea of going to the casino, having dinner there, and staying over seems very expensive, even if they choose what they eat.

I have an email in my inbox right now from the MOH of a wedding I'm in because she plans on playing all those "bachelorette games" that involve dares and gential-shaped items. I have not responded to her email because I'm trying to think of a nice way to say that I would rather have a root canal than participate in all that nonsense. 

If the other BM's aren't on board with your plan, you can just go to the casino with the bride, the two of you, and have a great time. Say, "This is what we're doing, anyone who would like to join us is welcome." It doesn't have to be a big deal. 

BMoreBride6

Again, I am not saying this to be snarky or rude, but perhaps spell checking and proofreading your posts before publishing them would help others understand you a bit better.