Unreasonable grandma

tombraider21

To make a long story short, my dad and I aren't getting along. His has been in and out of my life for the past 12 years and I got fed up w/his lying and drama and I told him that. He went and lying to grandma and his sisters about what I said. Now since I am getting married next October, my grandma told be she and some of my aunts would not be attending if my dad wasn't invited. Isn't that day supposed to be about my FI and I, not my dad getting his way? My grandma as wants my dad to be the one to walk me down the aisle and sit in the front w/ my mom. I told her an uncle that has been there for my family and I since my dad has left is walking me down the aisle and he would not be sitting up in the front. Am I in the wrong here or should I give in to my grandma? I want my family there, but I feel like if I give into this what else would I have to give into? This is suppose to be a happy time in my life right now but some of my dad's family is turning it into a nightmare.

MyNameIsNot

Well, it is your decision whether or not to invite your dad, but that decision comes with consequences.  Regardless of what has happened in the past, I can understand that his mother wouldn't come if he weren't invited.  Not inviting your dad usually means excluding his family.  Only you can decide whether it is worth it.

duckie1905

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_unresonable-grandma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:c5cacb35-6635-4e88-8625-fd7046031cf3Post:06b94350-1a6d-4b49-ba00-620d8c047060">Re: Unreasonable grandma</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, it is your decision whether or not to invite your dad, but that decision comes with consequences.  Regardless of what has happened in the past, I can understand that his mother wouldn't come if he weren't invited.  Not inviting your dad usually means excluding his family.  Only you can decide whether it is worth it.
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

Ditto,  you may be completely justified in not inviting him but that decision, it appears, will come with consequences.  Is not inviting him worth it for you?

That's a decision that only you can make. 

Personally, I wouldn't blame your grandmother for not attending if her son wasn't invited.

stina93446

I have issues with my grandma. She abaondoned us. I didn't want to invite her but had to to keep my dad happy. She did not get any honorable titles though. When I did my tea ceremony, the grandparents were asked to receive tea and she was not asked to participate. 

If you are up for it, I'd invite him, but not let him walk you down the aisle.

tombraider21

Thanks ladies for your opinions.

banana468

I think only you can decide if this is worth it.  If this is your dad's pattern of behavior then you know he's not going to change.

And depending on your relationship with your grandmother, a heart to heart with her might help or it might not.

Only you can decide if it's worth telling her, "This is my decision and it's important enough to me that I'm sticking by it."

leahlu

A good question to ask yourself is "in 10 years will I look back and regret not inviting my dad?" If you have any inkling that you might regret it then ask him to be a guest. However if you are sure you don't want him there then don't let anyone manipulate you. Have a heart-to-heart with gramma and explain your side.

megk8oz

My first question is: is grandma financially contributing to the wedding? If she is, she gets a say on this.

However, I will give you my own little story if it helps you at all:

My parents divorced before I was 2. My mom re-married to my step-dad when I was 4, and he was a big part of my life before that. My bio-dad was a horrible person, he cheated on my mom and was extremely abusive. When the divorce finally happened, he refused to pay child support and pretty much only saw my sister and I on birthdays, Christmas, and for a like a weekend in the summer.

As we got older, the visits became even less frequent. Whenever we did see him, he spent the majority of our time together talking about how horrible my mother was and why it was all her fault their marriage failed (At this point, he, too, had been re-married for years) and it was her fault my sister and I didn't lead the lives he wanted us to live (Which, we both always did decently in school and held jobs once we were old enough, so I'm not entirely sure what more he wanted). I would always come home and tell my mom and I didn't want to go back ever again and explain that he wouldn't stop saying horrible things about her. She would always just sigh and say "That's just your father, you can't stop seeing him because he's a jerk" (Little did I know at the time).

Once I turned 18, he stopped reaching out and I pretty much only saw him at Christmas and funerals-if he took the time to let me know if a relative died (On multiple occasions did he "forget" to tell my sister and I until months after the fact).

Cut to a few years later when I got engaged. I didn't even want to tell him at first because every time I talk to him, it's just a miserable experience. Well, that was no exception. When I told him I'd gotten engaged his exact response was "Congratulations, you're not getting a dime". And then proceeded to explain to me that weddings were a waste of money, why couldn't FI and I "just live together", getting married doesn't make things better, and he wasn't about to write me a check "just so your mother and grandmother can throw a party".

Every single person who has been told this story immediately responds with "Oh my God, that's awful! Surely, he's not even invited to the wedidng!".

Everybody, except my mother. Who has fought me tooth and nail every step of the way on the fact that I do not wish to honor him at all that day. I didn't want to even send the invite, but I do like my step-mother, so I mostly invited him because they're a packaged deal.

But after the invite, my mother proceeded to give me 9 kinds of hell because I wanted my step-dad to walk me down the aisle-alone. And then because I wanted the father/daughter dance to be me and my step-dad, alone. And the last fight we had was over the DJ introducing the parents, where I made it clear my bio-dad and step-mom were not getting an introduction.

My mother keeps trying to say to me "But he's your father, this is what you do". I had a father, ok? He may not clear on the Maury Pauvich DNA test, but this was the man that took care of me when I had chicken pox, taught me how to ride a bike, showed up with flowers at my high school graduation (Bio-dad had a "fishing trip" that weekend), and cried when FI asked for his blessing. And while step-dad wouldn't blame me if I split the moments and the honors, I don't feel bio-dad earned them.

And at this point, from how my relationship has been with my bio-dad, if I did have him do these things or split them somehow with step-dad, everybody who really knows me, would know that I only did this to keep my mother happy (Because, honestly, bio-dad doesn't care either way about these moments, so if I did it, it would be lost on him). And while I rarely have played this card with my family: I'm footing the bill, they aren't helping me. And I'm not about to "pay" all this money to  have those special moments compromised to make my mom happy for whatever reason.

emilyinchile

Damn, Meg! Good for you for sticking to your guns.

OP, that's a crappy spot that your grandma's putting you into. I think you just have to decide which is worse - your dad being there, or these other family not being there. Whatever your dad's said to your grandma (or hasn't said, she might just have sympathy for him because he's her son) doesn't really matter if she's made up her mind. Personally, unless you think your dad will cause some kind of huge scene, I'd probably invite him, stick him at a table far away from you and enjoy having all of my relatives there, but if he's really done awful stuff I can see how you might not want to do that.

LarissaAnn

Good job, Meg!

OP, unless your father was abusive, I think I'd invite him but not honor him.  If you really don't want your father there at all... if I were you, I'd tell my grandmother to stuff it.  But I'm b!tchy like that.

stina93446

People get very crazy when a wedding is involved. My GMIL swore up and down that she wouldn't attend our wedding if we got married in a church or got married with both a minister and a rabbi. I rolled my eyes everytime she said these things. It's not her wedding and although I am not Jewish, I am considerate to everyone's religious beliefs, but don't threaten me with your absense. C'mon!

Pirata13

Well if you do compromise and invite your dad, I'd definitely stick to your guns about your uncle walking you down the aisle and let your father escort your grandmother. It may not be your ideal scenario--him being there and sitting up front, but if it keeps the peace it may be worth it.  Like others have said, it all depends on how important it is to you to have the extended family there.  If I was in the same situation, and did want my Grandma & aunts there, I'd try a scenario like I suggested.  And if your Grandma still raises a stink after trying to compromise, tell her to stuff it.

gottahavashorti

I think that inviting your dad would be a generous compromise.  You can always seat him in the first or second row on the end away from your mom and her family rather than at the aisle if he stll 'needs' honored seating.  Possibly skip a father-daughter dance if you were going to have one with your uncle and your dad attends, but definitely stick to your guns on having your uncle walk you down the aisle.

Personally, I'd invite him unless he has been abusive.  Not to the rehearsal dinner, not to walk you down the aisle or any other honors necessarily.  But I think extending an invitation and seating him somewhere in the first few rows for the ceremony if he shows up.  Even if he's a jerk, I don't think that a request to invite your biological father is unreasonable and it might be worth it to keep the peace with his family.  The rest of your grandma's demands are not so reasonable and you and your FI should make a decision on those and stick to them.

JaimeeP

This is not a decision that has to be made now, since the wedding is 10 months away. You should probably invite your Dad to the wedding as a courtesy to your Grandma. But she should not be the one who decides who walks you down the aisle. Assuming your parents are not together, does your mom want him to sit with her. If not, he should escort and sit with Grandma.

rodeo417

all of you are better than me. This is your day, not your family's day... If grandmom wants him there then SHE can pay for his plate, invite, gift.etc... and if she doesn't like it (i would tell her cuz i am PMSing right now) to sit on it and rotate... My wedding, my money and my rules....

   I have already told my fiance's mother that hell would have to freeze over 3x's before i let his sister be a bridesmaid but i do have my reasons....

Live your life and your wedding!!!! and dont let them hold you hostage.. if you need me to i'll kindly call grandma for you

banana468

Actually Rodeo, once you involve others, it does cease being just 'your' day.  However that does mean that others need to respect the hosts wishes.

steph43987

Just as the title of your post says, she's being unreasonable. If she doesn't come, she's missing out. If you don't want your dad there, don't invite him. If it were important to your family (grandma and aunts) to be there for you, they would be there and they would support your decisions. 

People began different drama over our date and how it would be inconvenient this time or that time. Bottom line- if it's important to someone that they're there, they will be there. If it's not important enough to them- I wouldn't want them there.