Choosing a Maid or Matron of Honor

clarinetgal05

I have a sister that is 13 years older than me that is married and lives in Maryland (I'm in Texas). I have another sister in college that is 4 years younger than me that lives here. I also have a best friend that lives here too. I really want my best friend to be the maid of honor because I know that she'd have time and do the job so well; plus, she's my best friend! I don't want to hurt my sisters' feelings. One has a very hectic life half a country away, and the other is a pre-vet major.
I'm not sure how to handle this situation. I was the maid of honor at my older sister's wedding because she couldn't choose between her friends, and I was the older sister. Should I just choose my friend, or should I offer the title to a sister but the duties to my friend? I'd really like my friend to have the title too, but I'm just not sure what to do.

mbcdefg

The Maid/Matron of Honor does not have duties, and does not need to live close to you. The reason you should be choosing a MOH is because she is your dearest friend.

Anyone who wants to do anything for you will volunteer to do so. Title or not. So do not pick someone based on who's going to help you the most with planning or throw parties for you or anything like that.

Pick the person who is your absolute best friend. If that's more than one person, you can have two Maids of Honor. If you can't determine who's closest to you, then just have all bridesmaids and no Maid of Honor.

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_choosing-maid-matron-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c6ad769d-2719-4340-8d3c-ecda4b262daePost:fc3959f7-9d1c-42c2-85bf-da96edbd7ad2">Choosing a Maid or Matron of Honor</a>:
[QUOTE]I have a sister that is 13 years older than me that is married and lives in Maryland (I'm in Texas). I have another sister in college that is 4 years younger than me that lives here. I also have a best friend that lives here too. I really want my best friend to be the maid of honor because I know that she'd have time and do the job so well; plus, she's my best friend! I don't want to hurt my sisters' feelings. One has a very hectic life half a country away, and the other is a pre-vet major. I'm not sure how to handle this situation. I was the maid of honor at my older sister's wedding because she couldn't choose between her friends, and I was the older sister. Should I just choose my friend, or should I offer the title to a sister but the duties to my friend? I'd really like my friend to have the title too, but I'm just not sure what to do.
Posted by clarinetgal05[/QUOTE]

As mbc said, your MOH doesn't really have "duties" other than these:  get the dress, walk down the aisle, stand respectfully during the ceremony, smile for pictures.

So your idea of choosing a MOH on who "will do the job well and execute the "duties" is a non-issue.

If you really feel that you can't choose your friend because it will cause hard feelings among your sisters, have 3 BMs and no honor attendants. 

One BM can stand closest to you and hold your flowers during the ceremony, one can sign the license, and one can offer the toast to the reception.

To paraphrase the sorely missed Retread:  "I love you all too much to even think of choosing one of you to be an Honor Attendant."

rainedrop6

Since you feel as though you really want your best friend to be you MOH, I would ask her. Just let your sisters know that you love them both so much you chose your friend because you couldn't even begin to think about choosing between the two of them. I'm sure they will understand because it's logical.

My FI did the same thing. He has 2 brothers and chose his best friend to be his BM because he didn't want to make one brother feel like he cares less about him. It worked out great. Both brothers are GMs and everyone is happy.

I know it's really unpopular around here to talk about "WP duties" but in reality your wedding party probably assumes they will be asked to help you with things and it doesn't hurt having a MOH who is ready and willing. Actually it makes things a lot of fun. Just try and keep things light and fun and be sure to show your WP how much you appreciate them when they do help you out.

gottahavashorti

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_choosing-maid-matron-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c6ad769d-2719-4340-8d3c-ecda4b262daePost:60185104-918c-48a6-baf8-1337ab5a85b6">Re: Choosing a Maid or Matron of Honor</a>:
[QUOTE]I know it's really unpopular around here to talk about "WP duties" but in reality your wedding party probably assumes they will be asked to help you with things and it doesn't hurt having a MOH who is ready and willing. Actually it makes things a lot of fun. Just try and keep things light and fun and be sure to show your WP how much you appreciate them when they do help you out.
Posted by rainedrop6[/QUOTE]

This helps if you want to enforce false assumptions about bridal parties.  If they want to help, they can offer to do so on their own.

As PPs have said, it's fine to have both a Maid and Matron of honor or co-Maids of Honor.  If they don't offer to help or throw parties, it's no big deal.  If they do, that's great.

mwhitson14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_choosing-maid-matron-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c6ad769d-2719-4340-8d3c-ecda4b262daePost:fc3959f7-9d1c-42c2-85bf-da96edbd7ad2">Choosing a Maid or Matron of Honor</a>:
[QUOTE]I have a sister that is 13 years older than me that is married and lives in Maryland (I'm in Texas). I have another sister in college that is 4 years younger than me that lives here. I also have a best friend that lives here too. I really want my best friend to be the maid of honor because I know that she'd have time and do the job so well; plus, she's my best friend! I don't want to hurt my sisters' feelings. One has a very hectic life half a country away, and the other is a pre-vet major. I'm not sure how to handle this situation. I was the maid of honor at my older sister's wedding because she couldn't choose between her friends, and I was the older sister. Should I just choose my friend, or should I offer the title to a sister but the duties to my friend? I'd really like my friend to have the title too, but I'm just not sure what to do.
Posted by clarinetgal05[/QUOTE]

Here's the thing: they don't have a "job" to do. Yes, they can OFFER to throw showers and help out, etc, but it's not a requirement. I have two BMs, neither a MOH/Matron/whatever, and I did not ask them with the expectation that they have a job to do. I asked them because they're my two closest friends and want them standing with me on the wedding day.

Your situation is exactly why I didn't name anyone a MOH, because there's really no need. It sounds like you want your best friend to be your MOH, so name her that. I would keep both sisters BMs.

MyNameIsNot

And once again, Rainedrop with bad advice.

Your MOH doesn't have any duties.  She, or other BMs, or other friends may offer to help you with things.  But the surest was to start drama in your WP is to assume that they are going to perform all these tasks and help you plan your wedding.

Your MOH should be your closest friend the the world.  In some families, it is traditional to choose your sister.  If you feel much closer to your BFF than to your sister, it's fine to ask the BFF.  If you're really torn, you could have two or 0 MOHs and say that you couldn't choose between them.

rainedrop6

I don't think there is anything wrong with ASKING a member of the bridal party to help you with something. I'm not saying DEMAND they help you, or throw them out of the WP if they CAN'T help you, but ASK POLITELY. Just like you'd ask a friend/family member to help you with something non-wedding related.

If I needed a ride to the airport, I wouldn't beat around the bush that I don't have a ride, and hope my friend volunteers. I'd ask her directly if she can take me to the airport on this day, at this time. She has the choice to say yes or no and if she can't, I'd understand. If she can, I'd thank her. I don't feel that help with something for the wedding is any different than any other kind of help.

 I agree you shouldn't even ask someone to throw you parties (that would cost them money and you wouldn't ask for that non-wedding) but if you want to ask your girls to come over one night to help you assemble invitations, ask them, make it fun, and thank them. If someone can't come, don't hold it against them.

mwhitson14

Raine, I wouldn't even think of asking my girls to help me out with wedding stuff. They have their own busy lives. One BM lives 3 hours away, just started a new job, is involved in a LDR with a guy 4 hours from her (so her free weekends are spent with him). My other BM is married with two kids, her and her husband are starting a cattle business, and they travel every weekend to make purchases. I might say, "Dang, I'm not looking forward to making my invites this weekend!" and see if they volunteer. But I'm NOT going to say, "I know you've got a super crazy weekend, but do you mind finding a babysitter for your kids, letting your husband go on the cattle trip alone, and driving an hour to come help me make invites? Thanks a bunch!"

leeshab1982

Choose your MOH based on your relationship with them.  It's easy to get sidetracked thinking about showers and parties, but think about who you want to see standing next to you on your big day.  If that's your best friend, then ask her.  Don't consider any "duties" because there really aren't any other than being there with you on your wedding day.  FWIW, my MOH has two babies and works full time, so she's REALLY busy.  I don't anticipate her being able to devote too much personal time to helping me with my wedding, but I still love her like crazy.  That's why I asked her.  Just try your best to focus on the relationships and not so much the "wedding" stuff.  I think that, in the end, you'll be much happier with your decision if you follow that route.   

leeshab1982

I just want to add that in my circle of friends/family, it is common for people (especially the bridal party) to help with wedding stuff.  I'm realizing from this board that this is probably not true in other circles.  I've been a BM twice and each time I've helped with tons of stuff.  I never thought anything of it.  I was happy to help and be with my friends and family during those happy times.  It was always like a get together with lots of laughing, a little wine, and we'd manage to complete a task at the same time.  I thought it was always fun!

I would never demand that anyone in my bridal party do something for me.  I also wouldn't be upset if I asked something of them and they couldn't do it.  I find that to be common sense.  I have asked for help with little things, like making pomander balls and just advice on decor and my dress.  Nothing major, but I have asked.  I don't see anything wrong with it.  

In that sense, I agree with Raine.  I don't find her advice to be bad, like some others do.  I think that people come from lots of different backgrounds and hang out in different circles.  Maybe Raine's circle is similar to the OP and that would make her advice valuable. 

In any case, as you can tell by my last post, I don't think it's wise to choose a MOH based on what they can do for you.  I just wanted to point out that in my circle, it's very common for people to ask for help with little things that are wedding related.  I don't find it to be offensive or rude.      

rainedrop6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_choosing-maid-matron-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:c6ad769d-2719-4340-8d3c-ecda4b262daePost:4680fed3-da2e-4eaa-981e-24c5d3d6b13c">Re: Choosing a Maid or Matron of Honor</a>:
[QUOTE]And once again, Rainedrop with bad advice. Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

Advising a bride to choose the person she feels closest to and wants most to be her MOH is bad advice?

[QUOTE]I know it's really unpopular around here to talk about "WP duties" but in reality your wedding party probably assumes they will be asked to help you with things and it doesn't hurt having a MOH who is ready and willing. Actually it makes things a lot of fun. Posted by Rainedrop6[/QUOTE]

Because this is just a statement, not advice. I'm not recommending she do something

[QUOTE]Just try and keep things light and fun and be sure to show your WP how much you appreciate them when they do help you out. Posted by Rainedrop6[/QUOTE]

Never hurts to make things enjoyable and show appreciation.

aerinpegadrak

Here's the thing with getting help with your wedding from anyone other than FI or a hired wedding planner: If you ask or expect them to do it, it's kind of a chore.  They're not going to be terribly excited, and may well look for a way out of it.  If you don't ask anyone for help and let them come to you, it's their idea, their good deed, and they'll be much happier and more willing to help.

MOH should be a gut decision.  If you can't name your MOH in 30 seconds, you either have too many close friends, aren't particularly close to anyone, or are using the wrong criteria.

megk8oz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_choosing-maid-matron-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:c6ad769d-2719-4340-8d3c-ecda4b262daePost:fc3959f7-9d1c-42c2-85bf-da96edbd7ad2">Choosing a Maid or Matron of Honor</a>:
[QUOTE] really want my best friend to be the maid of honor because I know that she'd have time and do the job so well;
...
Should I just choose my friend, or should I offer the title to a sister but the duties to my friend? I'd really like my friend to have the title too, but I'm just not sure what to do.
Posted by clarinetgal05[/QUOTE]

Only "duties" your MOH or ANY member of your BP has is

1)get attire
2)show up [clean and sober] wearing it
3)smile pretty for the pictures

That's it. Anything else that they <strong>volunteer</strong> to do without your prompting is icing on the big, white cake.

mbcdefg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_choosing-maid-matron-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c6ad769d-2719-4340-8d3c-ecda4b262daePost:4ed3d3aa-4304-4a3b-8282-dd8f3b26049a">Re: Choosing a Maid or Matron of Honor</a>:
[QUOTE]I just want to add that in my circle of friends/family, it is common for people (especially the bridal party) to help with wedding stuff.  I'm realizing from this board that this is probably not true in other circles.  I've been a BM twice and each time I've helped with tons of stuff.  I never thought anything of it.  I was happy to help and be with my friends and family during those happy times.  ...

 I just wanted to point out that in my circle, it's very common for people to ask for help with little things that are wedding related.  I don't find it to be offensive or rude.      
Posted by leeshab1982[/QUOTE]

But it's common that people VOLUNTEER, right? You're helping because you WANT to, not because of a job description. Which is awesome.

There's nothing rude about politely asking for help. What's rude is when brides EXPECT the help and then get huffy when they don't get it, and chalk it up to a "bad bridesmaid who's not fulfilling her duties."

I think basically all of us are saying the same thing here ... as friends, we will probably all lend a hand in some way, whether that's if we volunteer to do so, or if the bride asks for help and we oblige her (even if wedding planning isn't our cup of tea, but we do it because we're her friends).

I would be glad to help a friend plan her wedding if she asked for help. I've said to friends upon their engagement, "If you need a hand with something let me know!" and I've been fortunate enough to have friends and family members and FI's family reach out to me over the past few months and offer their help and I immensely appreciate their kindness.

But if a friend ever said or implied, "Well, you HAVE to help because you're my bridesmaid," then I would be BEYOND irritated at her presumptuousness. Even if I had planned all along to offer her my help.

megk8oz

Ditto mbcdefg. It's one thing to be asked "Hey, I could really use some help assembling the favors, I'm ordering pizza on Thursday night if you're available" and quite another to outright make the demand "I need the favors done NOW, so you'd better come over or you're out".

The relationship that the bride and her BMs (Whether they're sisters or friends) should not be effected by the fact that there's a wedding involved. Friends and sisters will usually help ... when they can. But your wedding should not be the center of their universe.

The reason why Raindrop gets criticized around here so much is that 90% of her advice has the theme of "Well, you're the bride, so of course everybody should be kissing your @$$, if they aren't, then they're crappy humans beings and you just shouldn't be friends with them anymore".
 
Whether it's just poor wording on her part or she means it to be taken at face value, your bridesmaids had lives before your wedding came along, and EXPECTING them to just drop everything for the next 6-12 months to pick out invitation fonts and napkin colors makes the bride the "bad friend", not the BM who can't make it because she works full time and has kids or whatever.

Which is why I maintain: the only "duties" they have are getting the dress and showing up in it. Anything else they volunteer to do, is just gravy.

mags0607

I think you should choose your best friend as MOH based on your relationship with her, and assuming that neither sister will feel slighted. My best friend has two younger sisters, and I was her maid of honor. We had been friends from age 5 and so neither sister was upset to be a bridesmaid.

As long as you don't pick your BM/MOH based on how well you think they will assemble/stuff invitations, run errands, or wedding plan, I don't think there is anything wrong with picking your best friend.

I have 6 BMs and have had so many offers of help, I'm overwhelmed ( but in a good way), but I don't think you should go into it counting on help from your BP to get things done.

clarinetgal05

To respond to everyone that commented on the "duties" part, no, there are no set "duties," but I do view my bridesmaids as people that are a part of my wedding and want to share that with me. I want them to be a part of it and part of the planning because of that reason--they're sharing that day with me. They are sharing in my happiness as I will be marrying the love of my life. I don't expect anyone to do certain tasks or "duties," but I do know that the maid of honor traditionally throws parties and is the closest person to the bride, besides her fiance. She would be the person that I would lean on most to help me with things. What I am saying is that I want someone that I can depend upon to be there for me when I need it for things that frankly my fiance either could care less about or shouldn't know about (bachelorette party, dresses, etc.). I'm divining from the responses that I should just choose my friend. I felt like I should respond because it seems that everyone thinks I'm crazy and selfish (that may be an exaggeration), but it was probably just bad wording.
Thank you all for your input. I appreciate it.

leeshab1982

mbcdefg and megk, it seems we are on the same page.  From reading posts on here, I just wasn't sure if politely asking for help or taking people up on the offer to help were discouraged.  I am lucky...every girl in my bridal party has offered to help me however they can.  I love them to pieces.  My FI and a I have done the bulk of things, but they have helped me with my dress and with making pomanders.  I love FI, but he has no interest in making flower balls.  I can't blame him!

I think that if you appreciate your bridal party and treat them as the close friends that they are, you will not have very many problems with them volunteering to help with wedding-related things.  I do agree that when you demand things of them, it becomes a chore for them.   

banana468

First, rain, keep in mind that statements like:

I know it's really unpopular around here to talk about "WP duties" but in reality your wedding party probably assumes they will be asked to help you with things and it doesn't hurt having a MOH who is ready and willing. Actually it makes things a lot of fun.


Because this is just a statement, not advice. I'm not recommending she do something"

Posted by Rainedrop6

are also advice.


I'll agree that the WP traditionally does stuff but that's not because they HAVE to.

In a similar vein, DH does cute things all the time but that's not because it's in a manual of husbandly duties.  It's because he WANTS to do those things for me.

OP, I do agree with the others that the best person to be MOH is the person you're closest to.  Only you can make that decision though.

IMO, it's fine to ask for help with things.  You just need to be OK if someone says no. 

clarinetgal05

Raindrope6, I think you understand what I'm trying to say. Thank you all for your advice.

mbcdefg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_choosing-maid-matron-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c6ad769d-2719-4340-8d3c-ecda4b262daePost:d123a3de-7558-463c-9227-15b5c3c5201d">Re: Choosing a Maid or Matron of Honor</a>:
[QUOTE]I want them to be a part of it and part of the planning because of that reason--they're sharing that day with me. They are sharing in my happiness as I will be marrying the love of my life.[/quote]
 
The planning portion of your wedding preparations is not "the day." The WEDDING DAY is "the day."

[/quote]I don't expect anyone to do certain tasks or "duties," but I do know that the maid of honor traditionally throws parties and is the closest person to the bride, besides her fiance. She would be the person that I would lean on most to help me with things. [/quote]

That seems like a contradictory statement.

[quote]What I am saying is that I want someone that I can depend upon to be there for me when I need it for things that frankly my fiance either could care less about or shouldn't know about (bachelorette party, dresses, etc.).
Posted by clarinetgal05[/quote]

Like Retread said, it is not at all fair of you to expect your friends to help out with these things just because your FI is not interested in helping you. It's HIS wedding, not theirs, so IDK why you're letting him off the hook and expecting your MOH/friend to pick up his slack.

If he's not too helpful, try this: instead of an open-ended question ("What kind of boutonniere do you want?") give him a couple choices and ask him to pick one ("I thought any of these three boutonnieres would be nice for you ... which is your favorite?"). I found that my FI's eyes would glass over when I asked him a broad question or asked him to research anything or gave him more than 4 or 5 choices for anything, so once I narrowed things down for him then he was a LOT better at offering good opinions.

And no bride is entitled to a shower or a bachelorette party, so you do not "need" someone to help you out with this. A bachelorette (or shower) is a GIFT that they'll give you if they feel like it. It's not something where you need to recruit someone dependable to throw one for you.

I don't think you're being crazy or selfish, but I DO think that you've said a few things here that imply that you think that the MOH has more responsibilities than she really does.

rainedrop6

You're welcome Clarinetgal05

trix1223

RETREAD!  Welcome back.  I've missed your sage advice.

rainedrop6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_choosing-maid-matron-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:c6ad769d-2719-4340-8d3c-ecda4b262daePost:a3b9144e-b1fe-4a1e-85f5-1ef81eaf0382">Re: Choosing a Maid or Matron of Honor</a>:
[QUOTE]The reason why Raindrop gets criticized around here so much is that 90% of her advice has the theme of "Well, you're the bride, so of  course everybody should be kissing your @$$, if they aren't, then they're crappy humans beings and you just shouldn't be friends with them anymore".Posted by megk8oz[/QUOTE]

When have I ever said that? I certainly don't mind if people want to criticize me for having my own opinions about things but at least be honest and don't embellish what I say.