MOH Nightmare

sborhani84

Ok, so my MOH who I used to be VERY close with has been completely MIA during the wedding planning process.  I won't get into details, but something she said yesterday completely annoyed the crap out of me.  So apparently she is upset because my bachelorette party falls under her birthday weekend and she wants to celebrate with ALL of her friends, not just me, even though she's my MOH and some other of her friends will be there already.  Is this completely selfish of her?  She has done nothing for the wedding except put a deposit down on her dress.  Did not plan the bachelorette party or bridal shower.  Doesn't even ask how planning is going.  I'm not going to boot her as MOH, but she asked if I would change the bachelorette party wknd and I want to say no.  She says this is her only request and has been bothering her.  I say a wedding is a once in a lifetime experience and she will have multiple bdays!   Why the heck wouldn't she want to go to the beach on their birthday anyway!  We go EVERY year!  So what, this year is different because it's my bachelorette party and it will be about me and not her?  I guess asking a leo to share the spotlight is just too much to ask.  Your thoughts?  She is in a crappy relationship and is studying for the MCATS so she is busy, but this is almost too selfish for me to handle.  My relatives are coming from all over the country and they will only be there for the wknd already planned (it is the weekend right before the wedding).  Should I just keep it as planned and not care if she doesn't come?

nda_roxybabe

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-nightmare?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c85fb552-6c94-412e-98b8-172d4d1a7b49Post:b0fbd1ce-c6f8-4799-9c2f-7ff6e49554bf">MOH Nightmare</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok, so my MOH who I used to be VERY close with has been completely MIA during the wedding planning process.  I won't get into details, but something she said yesterday completely annoyed the crap out of me.  So apparently she is upset because my bachelorette party falls under her birthday weekend and she wants to celebrate with ALL of her friends, not just me, even though she's my MOH and some other of her friends will be there already.  Is this completely selfish of her?  She has done nothing for the wedding except put a deposit down on her dress.  Did not plan the bachelorette party or bridal shower.  Doesn't even ask how planning is going.  I'm not going to boot her as MOH, but she asked if I would change the bachelorette party wknd and I want to say no.  She says this is her only request and has been bothering her.  I say a wedding is a once in a lifetime experience and she will have multiple bdays!   Why the heck wouldn't she want to go to the beach on their birthday anyway!  We go EVERY year!  So what, this year is different because it's my bachelorette party and it will be about me and not her?  I guess asking a leo to share the spotlight is just too much to ask.  Your thoughts?  She is in a crappy relationship and is studying for the MCATS so she is busy, but this is almost too selfish for me to handle.  My relatives are coming from all over the country and they will only be there for the wknd already planned (it is the weekend right before the wedding).  Should I just keep it as planned and not care if she doesn't come?
Posted by sborhani84[/QUOTE]
Well, she is not required to throw parties for you or really do anything besides show up. I realize it's preferred if she interested in this but for whatever reason she just isn't.
Are you going away for the weekend as your bachelorette party? and its the same weekend as her bday? If this is the case I understand her not wanting to be gone all weekend if its her bday.

blackfire5th

I think it is unreasonable for her to ask you to change the date since you have relatives coming in for that weekend but I think you sound like a brat.

You sound extremely selfish, more so than she.

In order for you to save face I would say that you wish you could move the date, but relatives are coming in and you just can't change.  Tell her that you are sorry and offer to set aside some time to celebrate her birthday.  I hope your b-party isn't lasting more than a day.  You could offer to go to the beach on another day that weekend or during the day before your b-party.  You also need to be okay with her making other plans that weekend and not coming to your b-party.  

You are right, your wedding is a once in a life-time event, but it isn't happening THAT weekend.  

lalap69

You sound like a brat and a lot of your friend bashing wasn't necessary.  You could've just said that her birthday was the same weekend as your bachelorette, she'd asked you to change it, but you had relatives coming in.  The stuff about her relationship and how she hasn't planned stuff for you was unnecessary.

Ditto Blackfire on how to handle it.

banana468

I think you are both acting in a very stressed way.

Just say, "It wouldn't be fair to ask those who are planning the party to change the date, but I understand if that means that you can't make it."

Yes, all the MOH has to do is buy the dress.  BUT, she loses the ability to complain about when a party is taking place if she has no part in the planning.

duckie1905

Honestly, I think you sound unreasonable and selfish and not her.  She isn't required to plan or attend events for you or be interested in your planning and ask how it is going.  Parties in your honor are gifts and not rights and certainly not an obligation on the part of the MOH. It is great if BMs/MOHs are more involved but if they aren't they haven't done anything wrong.  Buying the dress and showing up at the wedding is really all that is required.

And, as far as your bach party-I don't blame her for wanting to spend her birthday with all of her friends.  It is her birthday and that isn't trumped by your bach party in her life, understandably so.  You don't have the right to tell her that her birthday is less important than your bach party and honestly, it makes you seem uncaring and selfish that you don't seem to give the fact that it is her birthday a second though.  I don't think you should change the date but I also don't think you have any right to be angry with her should she decide to do something else.

ETA: The zodiac sign thing is just weird.  Totally redonk to try to justify your anger at her perfectly okay behavior by way of astrological sign.

Schroeder246

Wait a second - she's asking you to change the date?  As in, you're organizing your own bachelorette party?  That's more selfish than ANYTHING she's done.

Your MOH doesn't owe you a single thing besides being reasonably sober, dressed, and present on your wedding day.  She doesn't have to plan a bachelorette party.  She doesn't have to throw you a shower.  She doesn't have to help you plan, fold invitations, go dress shopping, or anything else.  You sound incredibly entitled, and the ludicrous notion of blaming it on her zodiac sign seals the deal for me that you are BSC.

Also.  Birthdays are technically immoveable dates.  Bachelorette parties (especially ones that you're throwing for YOURSELF) are not.

deepcovejackie

Dittos above posters.  And the MCATS are a life-consuming process.  There's a lot of preparation required, and if you're not ok in the MCAT you don't even get an interview for med school.  It's life's little weeding process.  She's an awesome friend if she can make the wedding. 

deepcovejackie

ps--this is not a nightmare, a nightmare would be if your MOH died or something alot that line.

lalap69

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-nightmare?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c85fb552-6c94-412e-98b8-172d4d1a7b49Post:2d24106f-7aa4-4ecb-bcbe-fb610e35a470">Re: MOH Nightmare</a>:
[QUOTE]Your MOH doesn't owe you a single thing besides <strong>being reasonably sober</strong>, dressed, and present on your wedding day. 
Posted by Schroeder246[/QUOTE]
Just wanted to say that this cracked me up.

That is all. :P

nackiejichole

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-nightmare?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:c85fb552-6c94-412e-98b8-172d4d1a7b49Post:b0fbd1ce-c6f8-4799-9c2f-7ff6e49554bf">MOH Nightmare</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok, so my MOH who I used to be VERY close with has been completely MIA during the wedding planning process.  I won't get into details, but something she said yesterday completely annoyed the crap out of me.  So apparently she is upset because my bachelorette party falls under her birthday weekend and she wants to celebrate with ALL of her friends, not just me, even though she's my MOH and some other of her friends will be there already.  Is this completely selfish of her?  She has done nothing for the wedding except put a deposit down on her dress.  Did not plan the bachelorette party or bridal shower.  Doesn't even ask how planning is going.  I'm not going to boot her as MOH, but she asked if I would change the bachelorette party wknd and I want to say no.  She says this is her only request and has been bothering her.  I say a wedding is a once in a lifetime experience and she will have multiple bdays!   Why the heck wouldn't she want to go to the beach on their birthday anyway!  We go EVERY year!  So what, this year is different because it's my bachelorette party and it will be about me and not her?  <strong><font color="#ff0000">I guess asking a leo to share the spotlight is just too much to ask.</font></strong>  Your thoughts?  She is in a crappy relationship and is studying for the MCATS so she is busy, but this is almost too selfish for me to handle.  My relatives are coming from all over the country and they will only be there for the wknd already planned (it is the weekend right before the wedding).  Should I just keep it as planned and not care if she doesn't come?
Posted by sborhani84[/QUOTE]

<font color="#000000">

WTF? How about you ask your tarot cards! Geez</font>

I don't normally say ANYTHING rude to anyone on here but you have got to be kidding me.

jagore08

Are you really serious about this?  It's her birthday.  It never changes.  You had to have known that when you were booking dates.  So why would you ask her to forego her birthday for a bachelorette party?  It's not like it's your actual wedding.  Why can't you do it the day before or the day after?

nda_roxybabe

Jagore- your sig pic always makes me smile.

emilykathleen511

I really, really hope you are not planning your own bachelorette or shower. Because that would be completely inappropriate. Completely.

xoxob

I'm really confused as to why, if you had that much of a say in your bach party as it seems, did you allow your bach party to be planned the weekend of her birthday? You clearly know its relative date seeing as you remember her sign.

blackfire5th

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-nightmare?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c85fb552-6c94-412e-98b8-172d4d1a7b49Post:c13449ec-c8b6-4280-ad0d-1c162d2867eb">Re: MOH Nightmare</a>:
[QUOTE]First off, LOL!  You ladies are cut-throat!  I just want to say when I wrote that post I had just gotten off the phone with my friend and was extremely heated.  I have had time to cool off now and think things through.  I don't think either of us or more or less selfish than the other, I just think we both have our reasons and both want our way.  Luckily I love her and will work things out and will prob schedule the beach trip a couple weeks earlier and just do something local for her bday. Secondly, I am a leo too!  We both are admittingly very leo like in our qualities so that's why I threw that in there.  Nothing serious, again, just venting.  I understand her not doing much with the MCATs and all. <strong> However, it really surprises me how little a lot of you expect from your MOH's.  Maybe I just expect too much from close friends, maybe it's just how I would approach my best friend's wedding.  But everyone is different and I can respect that.  </strong>
Posted by sborhani84[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>From this post the only thing I can see that you are expecting from your MOH is that she will only focus on only you on her birthday.  So, you are right, I didn't expect my MOH to do that.

</div>

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-nightmare?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c85fb552-6c94-412e-98b8-172d4d1a7b49Post:c13449ec-c8b6-4280-ad0d-1c162d2867eb">Re: MOH Nightmare</a>:
[QUOTE]First off, LOL!  You ladies are cut-throat!  I just want to say when I wrote that post I had just gotten off the phone with my friend and was extremely heated.  I have had time to cool off now and think things through.  I don't think either of us or more or less selfish than the other, I just think we both have our reasons and both want our way.  Luckily I love her and will work things out and will prob schedule the beach trip a couple weeks earlier and just do something local for her bday. Secondly, I am a leo too!  We both are admittingly very leo like in our qualities so that's why I threw that in there.  Nothing serious, again, just venting.  I understand her not doing much with the MCATs and all.  <strong>However, it really surprises me how little a lot of you expect from your MOH's.  Maybe I just expect too much from close friends, maybe it's just how I would approach my best friend's wedding.  But everyone is different and I can respect that.</strong>  
Posted by sborhani84[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>It's weird.  Many people value friendship for something other than what they can get the friend to do for them.  It's so bizarre when people are unselfish like that.  </div><div>
</div>

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-nightmare?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c85fb552-6c94-412e-98b8-172d4d1a7b49Post:09f6ce94-fc38-4ee0-8d04-2570ffd8bd1c">Re: MOH Nightmare</a>:
[QUOTE]MyNameisNot, given that you have almost 3000 posts I would think you knew where to find the Snarky Brides forum.  I mean, I'm all for a little sarcasm, but seriously? If you're telling me you don't want support, and a little selflessness, on the part of your MOH, then you must have a penis.  And it's not just you - this forum is like a melting pot of all the most critical posts I have ever seen.  How many of you actually come on here to plan your wedding?  You're so cool --  slinging one-sided bride-bully comments on the knot.  
Posted by sborhani84[/QUOTE]

<div>I'm sorry the concept of being unselfish is so foreign to you.  I'm sorry that you think friendship is about "what can you do for me."  I most certainly didn't expect anything of my MOH.  I asked her to be MOH because I wanted to honor our relationship, not because I wanted to see what I could get out of her.  It isn't because I'm a man, but because I care about my friend.  Women are perfectly capable of selflessness, and the fact that you don't believe that scares me.  </div><div>
</div><div>I guess I should consider myself lucky that most of the women in my life don't see friendship as an opportunity to take advantage of people.  </div><div>
</div><div>It's really sad, because you really are missing out on the best parts of friendship.  I hope that one day you do realize that the world is a much better place when you get out of the "me, me, me" state of mind.  I'm just really sad for you.  I sincerely do hope that you get some unselfish perspective someday.  Living life just looking out for yourself isn't worth it.  </div><div>
</div><div>This makes me so sad.  I truly hope that you take a look in the mirror and re-evaluate your life and the way you see your friends.  The way you are behaving toward your MOH in this situation is just ridiculous, and if you normally treat her like this, she isn't going to stick around forever.  People won't let you take advantage of them forever.</div>

mags0607

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-nightmare?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c85fb552-6c94-412e-98b8-172d4d1a7b49Post:90d863be-2ee9-4c1a-ba31-9120aceeef0a">Re: MOH Nightmare</a>:
[QUOTE]Except for Banana.  Banana is cool.  Guess I have to look out for her posts from now on. AND i only planned it for her bday wknd since 1. a lot of friends and family are coming in from out of town and 2.<strong> WE GO TO THE BEACH EVERY YEAR FOR HER BDAY!  </strong>So when the other b-maids and I were planning it because she was studying, I thought it would be like every other year.  This would have been nothing new, just more people. Funny how this year she wants all her friends around?  Stuff just isn't adding up. Ah whatever
Posted by sborhani84[/QUOTE]


See, I would be bothered by this if I were her. From what I am understanding, you guys always go to the beach to celebrate her birthday. This year, since you are getting married, you suggested that you take a tradition that honored her, and turn it into a party for you.  I would be upset as your MOH, because I would feel like my birthday was less important than your pre-wedding parties.

You shouldn't have had any imput in planning your bach party, but what's done is done, and now you have to deal with it. I think she shouldn't ask that the date be changed, but I also think you shouldn't have encouraged anyone to plan a bach party the weekend of her birthday.

It seems like its too late to change the date now, so I would just tell her that you have too many people coming in from OOT, but that you understand if she can't make it because of her birthday, and that you would like to celebrate with her when you both have time.

And, FWIW, this board isn't full of big internet meanies, and I am one of the posters currently planning a wedding, so take opinions as they come, and accept that people here will call them as they see them, and unfortunately, most people feel you are in the wrong here.

aerinpegadrak

Why do the newbs keep trying to tell regs that they should stick to AFSB?  Don't they know that board sucks now?

I would think that if a dozen objective strangers look at your story and tell you that you're the one being completely selfish and unreasonable, you would take the hint.