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Bridal Shower Vent

FMIL and I are completely different. She is the kind of "lady" that likes to sit under a tree drinking tea while letting the men handle everything. I'm more of a do it myself, Harley riding, has all guy friends kind of girl. She doesn't realize this at all. There have been numerous situations where we clash but I just let it go or continue to be completely fake because I want us to get along for FI's sake.

At my shower this past Saturday she kept telling my BM, who through the shower, that there was "too much food and it was inappropriate." I told them both, together, that I thought it was great and everybody loved the shower and it seemed to shut FMIL up (for a little bit). She told the same BM that she needed to lose some weight to look better in her dress. This wasn't around me, but around my mother who said the BM was fine. This was also as the BM was trying on the newly altered dress. She pulled my mom to the side and told her that tons of things will go wrong with the wedding day so she should expect it and not freak out. Turns out my FMIL was referring to how she thought my mom would react when seeing my dad at the wedding. FMIL thinks she knows all about the situation but has no clue because we haven't shared that info with her.

Ugh! It's not like I can mention this stuff to FI because I don't want him to think I hate his mother...you never want to bash someone's mom. I did tell him that she made my BM feel bad. He sympathized because she knows how she is.  She really was trying to be "nice" in her way. She is just one of those oblivious people that says something hurtful and doesn't realize it to be hurtful. I'm not really asking for advice. I just wanted to get some of that off my chest to my WP girls. I'm just so tired of being fake around her and putting up this front. It is beginning to take more and more strength to hold my tongue around her. The wedding should be fun.
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Re: Bridal Shower Vent

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    I think you should actually say something to him.  It's not really bashing if you're calmly and rationally telling him what happened.  He should at least be aware that there's a problem, if only so he can intervene if necessary on the wedding day.
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    I'm sorry, Suz.  She sounds special.

    Honestly, you can't be fake for the rest of your life.  If you continue to just smile and act like everything is fine, I feel like you may explode at some point down the line in a way that won't be good for anyone. 

    I agree with Aerin, I'd say something (diplomatically, of course).
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    AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited September 2010
    Personally, if your FI knows how his mom is I wouldn't be too secretive about the things that annoy you. Building that frustration up is just asking for trouble down the road when something happens and you just snap. To me, honesty, is usually the best policy even when its someone's parent. Both my parents have had some annoyances with the other's parent and have always been honest when one is starting to annoy them with something. It's not like your ripping his mom, just pointing out things that are frustrating you. 

    As for acting fake around her, I really just don't know how people can act "fake" for years and years without snapping. If she is that upfront with people, I would not hold back if she says something rude. If no one says anything she will just continue to be in her cloud where she thinks that it's alright.

    I know you are walking a fine line and right now you are just trying to start off on a good note with your FILs, but you do learn that with time you can be more honest with his parents without making it seem that you dislike them. 
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    Aw, Suz, I'm sorry she acts like this ... but like everybody else, I have to say: you know you have to talk to your FI about this. It really is only going to get worse after the wedding (And if you have kids) ... and you can't live like this "for as long as you both shall live", it's not fair.

    There's nothing wrong with being polite and respectful, and there's nothing wrong with not agreeing with each other 100% of the time. But she should at least be respectful of you and your feelings, especially since you try to be respectful with hers. Being your FI's mom doesn't give her the green light to just not use a filter around you.

    If the situation was reversed and it was one of your parents and your FI in this situation, wouldn't you want to know that Mom or Dad was making your FI feel like he had to act fake? Wouldn't you want to try and work on fixing a problem like that? Your FI really should know it's problem now, so he doesn't find out that you repressed these feelings for years, just to have it blow up at, like, "The Great Christmas Meltdown of 2014".

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    Having differing opinions is one thing. Outright insulting people is quite another. Not realizing your insultin someone is not an excuse for it to be alright. Especially when you are quite blunt about it (you need to lose weight, etc.). I mean...those things are just common courtesy.

    I would follow PPs advice.
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    You need to tell your FI.  I know mine talks to MIL when he thinks it will help (often it's a lost cause).  Things like I gain and lose 5-10 lb pretty regularly, which looks like a lot on my petite self. 

    When I gain, she comments to DH constantly about how I've gained weight.  When I lose, she comments to me every time she sees me how I've lost sooo much weight and how did I do it (infrequently at the time) for almost the next year.  It finally stopped when I told DH that it bothered me and he told her to stop mentioning my weight to me, that it's been ages since I lost it, and that I find it insulting.  So really, talk to him about it and have him mention it to her.
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    Yeah...what they said :)

    I haven't met a whole lot of women who are too fond of their MILs, and honestly I envy those who do. My FMIL is a piece of work, let me tell you...but I also have no problem telling her or my FI how I feel about something when it bothers me. If she is doing something that bothers you, tell your FI. He probably has better insight as to why she behaves this way and may be able to help you find a way to come to a compromise.

    I will also advise you to choose your battles. Yes, she may have said some rude things, but that's only going to make her look bad, not you :)
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    Yeah, we used to get along great but that was, once again, because I was being fake around her. I feel more and more inclined to be myself which I know she won't like because i'm more tomboy than miss proper.

    I spoke with FI about it and it went as predicted. He said something to her about insulting my bridesmaid's weight; of course she "didn't mean it that way at all. It was a compliment...she didn't get that from what I said?"  On the other topics - her saying the food was inappropriate because of having too much. He simply said "well that's just her opinion. I'm sure everything was fine."  He laughed at her comment about the wedding not going as planned to my mom and said "well we know how your mom gets offended by anything and everything." I explained that I was also a little offended because she was sticking her nose where is didn't belong and he just shrugged his shoulders and said "well she said it and now its done."

    The reason he doesn't really stand up is because he feels like I always put his family on the back burner. Not that I really need him to stand up for me; he doesn't like confrontation and just likes to get through his trips home and get out of there. Unfortunately i'm actually closer with his family than he is. It is a weird situation. If the comments by his mom were more serious like "My FDIL is a ugly whore" he would end it immediately. He just doesn't really see her comments at the shower as anything serious.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridal-shower-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:c9b610a2-0835-4f4b-a864-e8cea9d561a2Post:d3982dad-09a3-4be2-9c3e-4d8d2897779d">Bridal Shower Vent</a>:
    [QUOTE]FMIL and I are completely different. She is the kind of "lady" that likes to sit under a tree drinking tea while letting the men handle everything. I'm more of a do it myself, Harley riding, has all guy friends kind of girl. She doesn't realize this at all. There have been numerous situations where we clash but I just let it go or continue to be completely fake because I want us to get along for FI's sake. At my shower this past Saturday she kept telling my BM, who through the shower, that there was "too much food and it was inappropriate." I told them both, together, that I thought it was great and everybody loved the shower and it seemed to shut FMIL up (for a little bit). She told the same BM that she needed to lose some weight to look better in her dress. This wasn't around me, but around my mother who said the BM was fine. This was also as the BM was trying on the newly altered dress. She pulled my mom to the side and told her that tons of things will go wrong with the wedding day so she should expect it and not freak out. Turns out my FMIL was referring to how she thought my mom would react when seeing my dad at the wedding. FMIL thinks she knows all about the situation but has no clue because we haven't shared that info with her. Ugh! It's not like I can mention this stuff to FI because I don't want him to think I hate his mother...you never want to bash someone's mom. I did tell him that she made my BM feel bad. He sympathized because she knows how she is.  She really was trying to be "nice" in her way. <strong>She is just one of those oblivious people that says something hurtful and doesn't realize it to be hurtful.</strong> I'm not really asking for advice. I just wanted to get some of that off my chest to my WP girls. I'm just so tired of being fake around her and putting up this front. It is beginning to take more and more strength to hold my tongue around her. The wedding should be fun.
    Posted by suz62984[/QUOTE]

    That's a load of crap. She knows exactly what she's saying; nobody has the balls to call her on it so she just goes right on doing it.
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    I agree with everyone else in that you need to let your FI know what's going on, especially since he IS aware of her behavior. You can only hold up a front for so long :-)

    I also agree that her behavior is attributed to no one really calling her out on it, so naturally- she thinks she can get away with it.

    My grandma has actually done similar things to my mother along with my sister and I. My dad has always had to curb her inappropriate behavior and my sister, mom and myself really limit our time with her because she's that unpleasant. Despite my dad calling her out numerous times, she has yet to improve her behavior.
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    I wouldn't explain it in a way that you are "bashing" her necessarily, but more explain to your FI that she makes a lot of hurtful comments.  I think there's almost automatically a more understanding conversation when you use those words.  Honestly, I had to sit down last night and explain to my FI that his sis has done a lot to hurt my feelings.  He's known for a while that I don't like her, but I explained to him why last night and said she just makes me feel like crap, and he was way more understanding than he has ever been before about the issue. 

    And to be honest, I have an awesome mom but the people that I know with difficult mothers or family members tend to be aware of the fact.  I've rarely met people with a PITA family member who think said family member is perfect.  
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    Ditto everyone else.

    My MIL and I get along for the most part.  She doesn't really understand my sense of humor (sarcastic mostly :) )  so I have to watch what I say sometimes because she takes it literally.  Anyway, I always discuss it with DH when MIL has said/done something that hurts my feelings or whatever.  It's rarely anything that needs to be brought up again to his mom, but I like being able to share my feelings with him, and I'm definitely not bashing his mom.

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    Frogurt - I completely understand that. I'm a verysarcastic person and FMIL is NOT! She just has no clue and gets this confused look on her face. She really is one of those people that is so book smart that she has no common sense. FI just chalks all this up to that because she really doesn't have any. In fact, I can't even emphasize how little common sense this woman has!
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    In this case I think YOU need to call her out on her behavior.  If your FI is going to brush it off or only barely reprimand his mom then she's NEVER going to change.  When you and him are a unit she's going to need to accept that YOU will be talking to her and telling her what's what.  Think about when you have kids and she's making those comments to them or teaching them to act that way.  Are you going to rely on you husband to "talk" to his mom when he never stood up to the degree that was needed to get her to stop?  Tell your friends and family that they shouldn't be taking her crap either.  If she starts commenting to your FI on how you act poorly to her then the shoe's on the other foot.  Instead of telling you that's just how she is and you should try to get along with her he'll start feeling the need to defend you from his insulting mom and start pushing her to change her ways.
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