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BM issues...

Hey ladies. So long story short, one of my bridesmaids is not going to be able to contribute financially to my bridal shower at all, for no real reason. It isn't going to require that much money as we're working on a tight budget for everyone. My MOH just let me know all of this was going on. Everyone else is okay with the budget they've worked out but without her help the number goes up for everyone. She is also concerned about the price of the bridesmaid dresses I'm leaning toward, as well as all of the accessories and etc. (basic costs of being in a wedding) and is using another friend's wedding as the excuse (even though our dress is cheap and we're not doing a shower for her ATM). What should I tell her? She still wants her name as a hostess on the shower invite but isn't contributing and has made that clear. Any ideas? I know this is short and minimal details, if you need more let me know. Thanks, in advance.

Re: BM issues...

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    Hm, I don't think there's a whole lot you can do. She's the only one who can make decisions on what she spends her money on. You may find it to be a pain, but it's really none of your business. In fact, you probably shouldn't even know about this. The people who are throwing this shower need to figure this out, not you.
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    It's a girl!
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    FemlinFemlin member
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    Maybe she accepted your WP request without knowing how hard it would be on her financially.

    You can't assume someone's financial situation... she may be struggling more than you think.

    Have a talk with her and see if everything is okay.  I know that this time of year is stressful for lots of people, especially those graduating college or trying to finish finals, if she falls into that category.

    If she explains that she simply cannot afford to be in the WP and wants to bow out, then let her do so gracefully and don't hold it against her.  But I know if any of my bridesmaids were having financial problems, I would maybe buy their dress or shoes for them.  It would mean more to me to have them standing up next to me than the $200 dress that she'll never wear again and can't afford.
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    Well, I get that. But if she's putting the slack on everyone else but still wants credit, that's not very fair right? She approached me and said we needed to talk, soon after, my MOH approached me and I asked for details. I asked more than she wanted to give it up. 
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-issues-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:c9f3cf27-6baf-4c89-9077-c59c8122d576Post:b89873fb-4098-4f6a-a36d-a610b27cf819">BM issues...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hey ladies. So long story short, one of my bridesmaids is not going to be able to contribute financially to my bridal shower at all, for no real reason. It isn't going to require that much money as we're working on a tight budget for everyone. My MOH just let me know all of this was going on. Everyone else is okay with the budget they've worked out but without her help the number goes up for everyone. She is also concerned about the price of the bridesmaid dresses I'm leaning toward, as well as all of the accessories and etc. (basic costs of being in a wedding) and is using another friend's wedding as the excuse (even though our dress is cheap and we're not doing a shower for her ATM). What should I tell her? She still wants her name as a hostess on the shower invite but isn't contributing and has made that clear. Any ideas? I know this is short and minimal details, if you need more let me know. Thanks, in advance.
    Posted by luckyone08[/QUOTE]

    You should not be involved in your bridal shower planning. This is something that you need to tell the BMs you aren't comfortable getting in the middle of.

    You cannot tell people what to do with their money. She has voiced her concerns over the cost of the dress. Maybe you should pick a less expensive dress or help her out with the purchase of the dress. She isn't going to be able to help contribute to the shower (once again a BM to BM issue) but you shouldn't fault her for this.

    What is more important to you? Having a friend you love standing up beside you and supporting you on your day of marriage or having someone who will spend lots of money on you? I have a feeling the latter which means that this poor girl needs to dump you ASAP!
    Anniversary
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    These are issues that really have nothing to do with you and should be between the BMs. It's up to them to work out the logistics of party planning and who amongst them is going to pay, etc. With that said -

    1. Bridesmaids are NOT required to contribute to your shower or even throw you one. It is a gift to the bride, not an entitlement. If she cannot contribute financially that's no reason to hold it against her - doesn't mean she can't help in other ways such as with the setup for example.

    2. Did you ask her what her budget for attire was before you startign looking at dresses?  If not, now is the time to apologize for not doing so, to ask what she's comfortable with, and either stay in that range or pay for anything above and beyond the number she gives you if you want more expensive attire. Remember that alterations cost money, too. And she every right to voice her concerns on a dress she's probably never going to wear again.


    What do you tell her? You thank her for whatever she does contribute (her time, her ideas, her support) and you don't base your friendship on financial contributions to parties you are not owed.

    The Bump ate my signature. DD - Apr 2011 DS - expected June 2013
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    Read CT's post and pretend that I said it.  Because the advice is very, very good.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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    FemlinFemlin member
    First Comment
    edited May 2010
    "But if she's putting the slack on everyone else but still wants credit, that's not very fair right?"

    No, but that's something that your bridesmaid's figure out amongst themselves.  You shouldn't really try to insert yourself into that drama.

    If she contributes, she is a co-hostess.  If she doesn't, then she isn't.  Simple. But, again, this isn't something you need to step in and handle. The bridesmaids should be communicating to each other directly about any financial contribution to the shower, not through you.
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    mbcdefgmbcdefg member
    5 Love Its First Comment Combo Breaker

    Just tell her:

    "Sorry, Friend, but I'm not putting your name on the bridal shower invitation. You didn't put in enough money or time to a party in my honor, so you don't deserve any credit. Also, I'm pissed that you cannot afford the dress that I have picked out for you, even though I was the one to determine the price and not you, so find a way to pony up the dough for the dress I want you to wear."

    Then come back here and tell us how that conversation went.

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    IMHO, I don't think someone has to contribute financially to be considered a hostess.  She could still help set up, clean up, address invitations for the shower etc.  I'd talk to your MOH and giv eher a few suggestions like that then request that she keep you out of the middle.

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    FemlinFemlin member
    First Comment
    See, Jenn has some common sense.  I'm liking her above post.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-issues-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:c9f3cf27-6baf-4c89-9077-c59c8122d576Post:797ec440-dec3-4d12-a583-e9e5908e1e07">Re: BM issues...</a>:
    [QUOTE]IMHO, I don't think someone has to contribute financially to be considered a hostess.  She could still help set up, clean up, address invitations for the shower etc.  I'd talk to your MOH and giv eher a few suggestions like that then request that she keep you out of the middle.
    Posted by jenn.daniel[/QUOTE]

    I concur.  Besides - who really cares who is "hosting" the shower? Your reaction to this could have an effect on your relationship later on....
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    She still wants her name as a hostess on the shower invite but isn't contributing?  Then she shouldn't be named the hostess......if you look up the word Host on the web, the definition says: a person who invites guests to a social event (such as a party) and who is responsible for them while they are there. If she can't contribute to food, favors, cake or invites even, her name shouldn't be listed. That's just my opinion !
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-issues-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:c9f3cf27-6baf-4c89-9077-c59c8122d576Post:7c2343b2-5e11-4e8d-86e5-b3f7bfa2c5bd">Re: BM issues...</a>:
    [QUOTE]She still wants her name as a hostess on the shower invite but isn't contributing?  Then she shouldn't be named the hostess......if you look up the word Host on the web, the definition says: a person who invites guests to a social event (such as a party) and who is responsible for them while they are there. If she can't contribute to food, favors, cake or invites even, her name shouldn't be listed. That's just my opinion !
    Posted by loop0406[/QUOTE]

    You can look up lots of things on the web. But treating your friend like crap b/c she can't afford to contribute financially to a pre-wedding party isn't the right thing to do. And expecting people to throw you parties isn't a great attitude to have, either.  If it's out of her budget to contribute financially, she can contribute in plenty of other ways (which was the point being made earlier on this thread). A gracious person won't expect parties to be thrown in her honor but if they are then she accepts whatever is done for her with appreciation. Not by stomping her feet and getting pissy that someone didn't throw in more money.
    The Bump ate my signature. DD - Apr 2011 DS - expected June 2013
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    I think it would be crappy to leave her off the invite as a hostess just because she can't contribute financially.  As jenn said, there are other ways to contribute and calling her out on her lack of ability to financially support the shower is uber-bitchy.

    Just something your MOH should think about.
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    You really should have no input on the shower issue.  At all.

    On the other stuff, I hope you asked for her budget on a dress before you started looking and I hope you're only asking the BMs to buy a dress since asking them to spend money on more isn't appropriate.
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    Fine. Thanks for the advice.

    I just want to make it clear though that I didn't expect a party, CTGirl30. I didn't say that and everyone should know that. I didn't even want one. I know that it is a gift to me and I don't expect a thing. I was trying to help my MOH and BMs because they've never met and I was trying to make sure they were communicating.

    I told her I'm out of this and to resolve it with MOH. I told her whatever she can contribute is fine and tehy need to resolve it among themselves. She's pissed and has issues with MOH but that's out of my hands. 


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