Bridesmaids that is acting like a Bride!

ktbarnes

I need help ladies.  I have a bridesmaid that is continuously pushing the boundaries.
First, I had to switch her dress around bc she couldn't believe how bad she looked.  Side note: She is overweight. So since I have two other different dresses for her to choose from...she picks a different one. 
Second, after complaining and requesting to wear flats, she is now decided to wear heals.  My only requirement is that they are tan.
Third, She asked for a shawl, but I said no.
Fourth, she ordered her dress in extra long because she might want a "train'! yes, that's right.  I didn't even know how to handle it.
Fifth, I never knew that bridesmaids had to pick out a hair do for themselves until now. Oh she picked one out all right.  The style looks just like the one we picked out for myself, but I am blonde and she is a brunette.  So, I told her she couldn't do it and she comes back with that she didn't look at them closely enough.
That's it for now.  If I politely say something to her, she gets either quiet or makes up some excuse as too how stupid she is .
So, ladies what do I do with this bridesmaid?  PS. This is a whole new side of her that I have never seen before.

jagore08

Honestly, she doesn't sound too bad.  Personally, if one of my BM were overweight and wanted to wear a shaw, I would let them.  It's not that big of a deal to let them feel comfortable. 

As for the train, just tell her no (especially if she'd be the only BM with a train).  Just explain to her that none of the other BM are having a train and that's the way you'd like to keep it.

BM do usually pick out a hair style for themselves so this isn't unusual.  I can completely understand why you wouldn't want her hair to look like yours, that's natural.  She did say that she didn't look at your style closely enough so you should just let that go.  If you don't want any of your other BM choosing the same or similar hair style as you, you should send them a picture and let them know that's what your hair will look like the day of and you'd prefer for them to get something different.

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-acting-like-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ca154d78-42ab-492a-8133-1a6709ac576fPost:6915e822-1a2c-4726-86a4-9cfb59e72d6a">Bridesmaids that is acting like a Bride!</a>:
[QUOTE]I need help ladies.  I have a bridesmaid that is continuously pushing the boundaries. First, I had to switch her dress around bc she couldn't believe how bad she looked.  Side note: She is overweight. So since I have two other different dresses for her to choose from...she picks a different one.  Second, after complaining and requesting to wear flats, she is now decided to wear heals.  My only requirement is that they are tan. Third, She asked for a shawl, but I said no. Fourth, she ordered her dress in extra long because she might want a "train'! yes, that's right.  I didn't even know how to handle it. Fifth, I never knew that bridesmaids had to pick out a hair do for themselves until now. Oh she picked one out all right.  The style looks just like the one we picked out for myself, but I am blonde and she is a brunette.  So, I told her she couldn't do it and she comes back with that she didn't look at them closely enough. That's it for now.  If I politely say something to her, she gets either quiet or makes up some excuse as too how stupid she is . So, ladies what do I do with this bridesmaid?  PS. This is a whole new side of her that I have never seen before.
Posted by ktbarnes[/QUOTE]

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emilyinchile

Ok, first the dress: if she is truly uncomfortable in a certain style or looks awful in a certain color, you should be sensitive to that and help her find something else that will work (of course, this should also be within her budget). Talk about what her problem is with the dresses you've suggested and go from there to find something you like and she's ok with.

Unless you're asking for some crazy length - so short it's hoochy or so long people can't walk - you get to dictate how long the dress should be. If she's already ordered a full-length dress, however, and you didn't say anything, you can't now ask her to get it hemmed to knee-length - that's not fair, and it'll look out of proportion anyway. Just say no to the train.

I don't see what the shoe problem is. So she changed her mind, big deal. Don't even worry about her shoes. Ditto with the shawl - you already said no, problem solved. Unless the issue is that she's sensitive about her arms due to her weight, she can deal for the ceremony (and wear whatever cover-up she wants at the reception), but if it's a comfort issue you might want to be flexible. And just let the hair go. BMs pick their hairstyle. No one will confuse you with her, so this is really not worth arguing about.

mbcdefg

I'm really hoping that this is a joke, since it's your first post. But I'm bored and I'll bite:

If she's unhappy with the dress then she has the right to speak up. Your BMs don't all have to be in the same dress. Let her pick a flattering style in the same color, length, fabric and designer.

Dictating their shoes is ridiculous and unnecessary. Pick a color and then let them choose their own.

Why on earth won't you let her get a shawl?

You can put your foot down on the train idea.

You seriously didn't think that BMs should be allowed to pick out their own hairstyles? Why? Do you want cloned, perfectly matched bridesmaids?

She's not acting like a bride. You are just being ridiculously unreasonable. And that's probably why she keeps asking to do different things, because you're not allowing any individuality in your wedding whatsoever.

Just because someone wants to be herself for her wedding day doesn't mean that she's jealous of you or copying you. For you to think that she wants her own hairstyle and shoes because she "wants to be the bride" is self-centered and bratty. Her personal style doesn't revolve around you and your precious wedding.

Say no to the train, but let her do what she wants on everything else.

KappaK

Really, those are minor.  I would hope, you would want your BMs to be comfortable, and other than th train, which I agree is insane, who cares about the rest.  2 of my ladies had their hair up in a style similar to mine, the other one had it done.  No big deal.  She isn't acting like the bride to me.

My MOH ordered people around, was rude to my family, and knock my husband upside the head when he didn't move when he was ordered (by her).  Now THAT is acting like a bride, well a bridezilla at least.  My advice, relax. 

duckie1905

You need to get over it.

1.  If she's overweight and uncomfortable with the way she looks, why would you want to make that worse?  She's your friend...don't you want her to look and feel her best?

2. You shouldn't be telling people what shoes to wear.  Everyone is comfortable in different styles.  If you must, you have to pay for them.

3. What is wrong with her wearing a shawl?  Give one good reason why it will ruin your entire day if she covers her arms.

4. She can order a dress extra long if she wants, but unless it is actually designed to have a train, it'll just be a long dress.  Get over it.

5. I have never had a bride tell me how to do my hair.  It is MY hair, just like it is HER hair.  She has every right to decide how to wear it.  Even if the style is similar to yours, people will not confuse you with her.  You'll be wearing a white dress.

You are over thinking, micromanaging, and generally being a mean person.  Treat your friend with some respect, because she deserves it.

aerinpegadrak

In addition to what everyone is saying: Your pretty perfect pictures will not be ruined by one bridesmaid who has the same hair as you, or is wearing a shawl or has a different dress, or whatever.  They WILL be ruined by someone who is visibly uncomfortable and miserable.

If she's going back and forth and having issues with her appearance, let her.  Just be supportive and reiterate that you want her to be comfortable and beautiful.  She's not a mannequin, she's a person, and she needs to be treated as such.

banana468

I think you're freaking out over things but these aren't so bad - and she's not really being all that bad.  As an outsider:

1) You absolutely should switch dresses if an attendant voices a real complaint with how she looks.  It is after all, the BM paying for it.  Plus, I assume that as the bride, you'd like your nearest and dearest to look their very best.

2) Don't even worry about heel height.  Just say, "Whatever style in tan is fine."  Done aaaand done.

3) Why no shawl?  She may be self conscious about her shoulders so that is IMO quite appropriate.  Many can even be made with the fabric of the dress.

4) With the dress, just laugh it off.   She's the one who will look silly with a long dress like that.  If she does push it, you can say, "These aren't gowns to have trains."  And don't entertain the conversation.

5) if she wants her hair to look like yours in style, let it go.  That's not a big deal.

The train thing makes me think she's really starved for attention...so just let it roll off your shoulders. 

MyNameIsNot

Other than the train thing, I don't see how she's doing anything wrong.  Tell her that no one else has a train and it won't be appropriate.  But you know, in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter.  You won't even be able to see it in pictures. 

Then relax.  Telling her what shoes, hairstyle, even wrap she can/cannot wear is excessive.  You need to take a deep breathe and stop trying to micromanage every little detail.

ktbarnes

So there is always more parts to every story and I believe a lot of it was misunderstood.  BUT I do have to say that I agree with your response.  I don't feel that I am not treating her like a person.  I guess you just have to know the person that I am talking about. 
I have only done this wedding thing once and thats all I plan on doing.  I think the problem is that she is the only one making an issue out of 7 bridesmaids. 
I shouldn't micromanage.  Thank you for your advice.  And thank you for not being harsh.

ktbarnes

Great advice.  Thank you for your help.