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MOH Drama!

I have been friends with my MOH for about 16 years. We were thick as thieves. I have been engaged for about 1 1/2 years now. Since the year mark, my MOH has been unreliable. I have taken care of majority of the larger tasks and everything is pretty much taken care of. I have asked my MOH to attend several milestones in the wedding planning process. For example,  I invited her to go dress shopping with me back in January 09. Mind you, this was the first time I went dress shopping. My MOH said that she would be there and was on her way to the shop. She was literally right around the corner; she got lost and got frustrated. Instead of calling me for directions, she turned around and went back home. She never called me to let me know what was going on. I had to call her afterwards to find out what happend.

Since then, she has been a no show on numberous occasions even after she gave her word. She would apologize and continue her same bad habits in the beginning. Her response now is she doesn't know what else she can do or say to make things right. She would say, "If I don't want her as a MOH then I got to do what I gotta do!" Now, my MOH was never like this before now. I am getting frustrated with her. I need advise Pront!

Re: MOH Drama!

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    Newsflash: It's not the MOH's "job" to come to any of your "milestones".  She just doesn't sound interested in planning.  For you this is a big deal, but frankly would you want to go dress shopping with anyone else?  I just brought my mom with me.  

    Just accept that she isn't interested in planning and stop inviting her and/or expecting her to show.  It's not bad, it's just not what she's down for.  It's not good of her to just not show up, but that leads to my next point.

    It also sounds like she's got things going on in her life that you may not be aware of.  Have you talked to her about her life lately, or has it been all wedding, all the time? Have you invited her to do anything non-wedding-related lately?  Keep in mind that even the most enthusiastic friends can get "weddinged out" and that you may be talking about the wedding more than you realize.  Especially after 18 months with more time to go.  That's an awful long time to expect someone to be enthusiastic about someone else's wedding.

    Try to make a conscious effort to not talk about the wedding for awhile.  Make sure you see a movie, go to dinner, go wine tasting, get a pedicure, do something completely non-wedding-related with her.  You wonder what's going on with her, but she may be wondering where her friend went.  
    I'm just speculating here, but I only can go by what you wrote here.  If a friend is suddenly not showing up to things, it may be that she feels neglected and that's she's just the MOH, not your friend.
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    I definitely agree with you that giving your word and not showing up is much worse than flat out saying that you don't want to go. This goes for all friends and romantic partners, not just MOHs.

    Maybe you can tell her that you will not be hurt if she does not want to/have time to go to wedding planning milestones with you but you are, understandably, hurt if she promises she will be there and than just leaves you hanging. Ask her to just tell you the truth the next time you ask her to go to something with you.

    On the flip side, maybe stop asking her to do all of this wedding related stuff with you. Ditto Brooke and definitely invite her to do some friend things with you. She may feel like she has lost her best friend. Of course, you probably feel the same way.

    Have a sit down with her, maybe treat her to lunch if you can afford it, and ask her if she is angry with you or if there is something going on in own life. Maybe something happened and she needs to talk to you about it but if you're talking wedding 24/7, she feels like she can't? Just a thought.

    Also, try to scale down the wedding talk. Even if you're not constantly asking her to do something with you, you may still be talking too much about it. Talk to your fiance, possibly your mom or other friends. You have been engaged for a very long time and personally, I would feel weddinged out after that long, even if it was my own wedding!

    GL! :-)
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    It is pretty obnoxious that she promises to be there and then ditches; that's a crappy *friend* thing to do, MOH status aside.

    I don't think I'd let it get to me, though.  Just do your planning without her.

    Also, talk to her.  Not accusingly, not confrontationally (and I love confrontation), but just have a discussion.  Ask her if there's an issue you're not seeing, if she feels like she *must* say "yes" to wedding planning activities but really doesn't want to, f'rinstance - and let her know it's ok to say "no."
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    The suggestions are very helpful. The promise I made to myself was to not discuss and talk about my wedding all the time. I know what it feels like to have a friend talk about the current change in the life all the time to the point where I felt that my friendship with them was not important. Because I made the promise stated above, I extended several ivitations to my MOH and my BM's to do non-wedding things. I am really big on girls night just to hang out and have a couple drinks. My MOH would still be a no-show and or had an excuse as to the reason why she could not go.

    I am aware that my wedding party has their own lives and issues. I am trying to be understanding but at the sametime, I feel let down as my MOH has not kept her word and has continously let me down.
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    I'm glad you haven't been inundating her with wedding stuff.  I'd still talk to her to see if something's going on.  It totally sucks what she's doing and I definitely feel for you.  If this was always how she was then that shouldn't concern you since it would be on par with her personality, but if she's really changed and is acting out of character it's definitely time for a heart-to-heart.  Hope it goes well!
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    "I think bablingbrooke is the 13 yr old marring her cousin at the town hall. Lets all give her a big hand. And hope her inbred children can live normal lives." -tabs.

    A word of warning from your friends at Cracked.com: Remember that text is going to be how you make your first impression over the internet; if every third word you type is misspelled, people will automatically assume that you're a moron.
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    That's great that you've been undestanding and limiting the wedding talk.

    How was your MOH before your engagement got in full swing with wedding planning? Was she flaky, did she keep her word, did she still hang out with you when she promised? I know you said she became unrealiable but I wonder if this was a complete 180 or if she changed just a little.

    If she was just like this before, then you have little to no chance of her changing now. Your wedding certainly won't change her friend's behavior. You just have to decide if this is someone you want to be friends with. I surely wouldn't.

    If she suddenly became another person, then it likely has something to do with your wedding barring anything going on in her life.

    Bottom line: you need to sit down and talk with her in a friendly way. This is not a confrontation, more like a peace talk! :-)

    Until you end the relationship, keep inviting her to non-wedding events otherwise, she will just become more angry and sullen. Then you will truly be at fault.

    Good luck with this, I know it sucks. :-(
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    If she's saying she'll come to non-wedding related things and then not showing, it sounds like there's something going on. If it's just wedding stuff, then that's still wrong of her because it's not ok to break your word like that, but it would kind of imply that she's just not into your planning. You've been engaged for a long time, and even if you're not wedding talk 24/7, if she's not huge into weddings she might just not be interested.

    Try talking to her as your friend ("hey, I miss you, and it makes me feel bad when I count on you and you don't show up") rather than your MOH ("why do you keep missing wedding appts?").
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    edited January 2010
    Are the girls in your WP friends?  If the girls you are inviting to NWR girls' nights are WP only and are not friends with each other, that could be the issue.  Otherwise, yes, it sucks to deal with a flaky friend.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-drama-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:cb75ae96-9029-4d89-b7e1-95bdf88e42ccPost:85667fa3-061b-43aa-872d-6e321aa24171">Re: MOH Drama!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Are the girls in your WP friends?  If the girls you are inviting to NWR girls' nights are WP only and are not friends with each other, that could be the issue.  Otherwise, yes, it sucks to deal with a flaky friend.
    Posted by gottahavashorti[/QUOTE]

    Ditto this.  If you're planning girls night in events for just your BMs, and if your BMs aren't all in the same group of friends, that probably still smells like a wedding related event to your MOH.  Most girls don't like being forced to bond with the other BMs, there's really no reason for them to need to hang out at events unrelated to the wedding.

    Like others have said though, it's very rude for her to say she'll come and the not. I'd address this.
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    Shes fired. A MOH is supposed to be there every step of the way to support you- I have a friend like that, if its not about her, she doesnt care... obviously I wouldnt make her my moh... 
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-drama-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:cb75ae96-9029-4d89-b7e1-95bdf88e42ccPost:5a7eb221-d466-4393-add8-8b8d5169da23">Re: MOH Drama!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Shes fired. A MOH is supposed to be there every step of the way to support you- I have a friend like that, if its not about her, she doesnt care... obviously I wouldnt make her my moh... 
    Posted by jeremys_jacqueline@yahoo.com[/QUOTE]
    Because your friends are "obviously" your employees?
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-drama-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:cb75ae96-9029-4d89-b7e1-95bdf88e42ccPost:5a7eb221-d466-4393-add8-8b8d5169da23">Re: MOH Drama!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Shes fired. A MOH is supposed to be there every step of the way to support you- I have a friend like that, if its not about her, she doesnt care... obviously I wouldnt make her my moh... 
    Posted by jeremys_jacqueline@yahoo.com[/QUOTE]

    Huh?  Oh, PLEASE tell me you're kidding!
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-drama-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:cb75ae96-9029-4d89-b7e1-95bdf88e42ccPost:5a7eb221-d466-4393-add8-8b8d5169da23">Re: MOH Drama!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Shes fired. A MOH is supposed to be there every step of the way to support you- I have a friend like that, if its not about her, she doesnt care... obviously I wouldnt make her my moh... 
    Posted by jeremys_jacqueline@yahoo.com[/QUOTE]

    This coming from the same person who thinks it's her place to tell her friend how to run her marriage (ie. somehow force her MOH to let her husband, the BM, attend the bachelor party) and doesn't realize that would be a) wrong and b) a sure ticket to losing that couple as friends. So I guess the real issue there isn't that the BM should go to the bach party but rather that the MOH should be doing what the bride says!

    I'm going to go ahead and take this particular advice with a grain of salt.
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