Broke(?) Bridesmaid

rpeters7386

So I have this bridesmaid who last week pretty much bit my head off because the dress I picked for them was too expensive ($165 inc. tax).

Here's what I got (in a nut shell): I think this is really too expensive.  You don't know what it's like being out on your own with bills to pay and rent to pay.  If I don't pay those things I'm out on the street.  Even $20 or $30 would help, $20 is a weeks worth of groceries for me.  I think you should look around for another cheaper dress.

Out of 7 girls, she was the only one to complain about the cost.  This week she's talking about going shopping and literally saying she just needs to go to the mall even though she doesn't need anything.  I'm not one to open my mouth, but this really pissed me off.  I offered to pay for half the deposit, and extend the fitting deadline for her so she can still be a part of this.  She said she doesn't want to back out and thinks I should find a cheaper dress.  She doesn't even have to pay for alterations because her mom is doing them.

I don't want to pick a fight, but I told all my girls if they weren't able to do it to just tell me.  This was before I even picked the dress.  I totally understand if anyone wasn't able to do it, but I felt totally awful after getting this third degree from my friend.  I'm not sure what to do.  Do I say something to her about this or let it go?  Then what do I do when time comes for ordering and she goes off on me again?  Is this dress really that expensive?

megandjay

Did you discuss budget with her before you picked the dress?

bablingbrooke

Well, if you picked a dress without first asking them for their budgets, yes, you are in the wrong and need to find something cheaper. 

SarahPLiz

You should have asked her budget. That dress would have been way out of my price range. You can help her out with the cost.

megk8oz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_broke-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:cbe32477-1e6c-4a51-97cb-76cf1ec6a93bPost:bf870eb0-aa91-425e-8ef6-2c2bec636dd3">Broke(?) Bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]So I have this bridesmaid who last week pretty much bit my head off because the dress I picked for them was too expensive ($165 inc. tax). Here's what I got (in a nut shell): I think this is really too expensive.  You don't know what it's like being out on your own with bills to pay and rent to pay.  If I don't pay those things I'm out on the street.  Even $20 or $30 would help, $20 is a weeks worth of groceries for me.  I think you should look around for another cheaper dress. Out of 7 girls, she was the only one to complain about the cost.  This week she's talking about going shopping and literally saying she just needs to go to the mall even though she doesn't need anything.  I'm not one to open my mouth, but this really pissed me off.  I offered to pay for half the deposit, and extend the fitting deadline for her so she can still be a part of this.  She said she doesn't want to back out and thinks I should find a cheaper dress.  She doesn't even have to pay for alterations because her mom is doing them. I don't want to pick a fight, but I told all my girls if they weren't able to do it to just tell me.  This was before I even picked the dress.  I totally understand if anyone wasn't able to do it, but I felt totally awful after getting this third degree from my friend.  I'm not sure what to do.  Do I say something to her about this or let it go?  Then what do I do when time comes for ordering and she goes off on me again?  Is this dress really that expensive?
Posted by rpeters7386[/QUOTE]

JIC

megk8oz

Ditto the PPs, if you never asked her budget (In private. Not "had a group meeting with all the BMs and everybody said 'fine' in a group"), then you really should have.

Find out what she can afford. Either pick another dress in this price range, or offer to cover the difference on your current "dream" dress.

trix1223

Sorry, but unless you first asked her what she was comfortable spending, you were wrong on this one.  I think that is high for a dress, myself.

Sagenhaft

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_broke-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:cbe32477-1e6c-4a51-97cb-76cf1ec6a93bPost:7ca1743e-cf3b-4a7b-84fe-15509ecfedb3">Re: Broke(?) Bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]truly feel bad for people that value the material and the "look" of their wedding over their friendships and relationships.  
Posted by duckie1905[/QUOTE]

And I feel bad for people who have friends that would actually consider showing up in jeans and a t-shirt, rather than staying home and respecting the day enough to wear appropriate clothing. Just a difference in opinion.

mbcdefg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_broke-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:cbe32477-1e6c-4a51-97cb-76cf1ec6a93bPost:1ce8e140-1f08-461e-b06f-82d220ea1e13">Re: Broke(?) Bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Broke(?) Bridesmaid :
The OP said that only one person complained about the price of the dress: should the bride come down to a $20 dress (which was indicated was a lot for her) because one person can't afford it? If that one person can not afford it, then she should step down, similiar to how a guest who could not afford a tux would not attend a formal wedding.

Posted by Sagenhaft[/QUOTE]

The point is that it's not at all fair to say, "The dress I want is $x, and if you can't afford that then you can't be in the wedding." That's essentially putting a price on one's friendship.

And I simply don't get why people would rather a friend drop out of the wedding party than find a way to accommodate them, by either chipping in for the dress or choosing something cheaper for everyone. If a dress is more important than including a friend, then that's just sad.

Sagenhaft

I think it's inconsiderate of the other WP members to pay for (even part of) a BMs dress and not give the same amount to everyone. If no one can afford it, then the bride needs to decide what to do. This wasn't an issue for me.

There are quite a few people I care about who are not in my WP. Actually everyone I care about with the exception of 11 people are not in my WP. This doesn't mean I love them any less or I am sacrifsing their friendship. People put too much store on being "in" someone's wedding. I'd be just as happy to attend a friend's wedding and have them get everything they want than bein the wedding and know they're making concessions for me.

bablingbrooke

Valuing the look of the wedding more than the people in it is a misplacement of priorities and something you are likely to regret.  

mbcdefg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_broke-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:cbe32477-1e6c-4a51-97cb-76cf1ec6a93bPost:cf48bef3-bc1e-4b67-ae94-52845e8825b9">Re: Broke(?) Bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]I think it's inconsiderate of the other WP members to pay for (even part of) a BMs dress and not give the same amount to everyone. If no one can afford it, then the bride needs to decide what to do. This wasn't an issue for me.

Posted by Sagenhaft[/QUOTE]

But the original poster wouldn't have had this problem if she'd simply asked the BM in question, plus the others, "Hey, what can you afford on a dress?" It's not fair to just pick a price and then exclude the people/the one person who can't come up with that amount.

bablingbrooke

It's important to remember that the wedding is just one day.  You can plan every detail but things will go wrong.  I had 50 minor disasters, from my dad stepping on my dress and ripping off the bustle before the ceremony to my sister's bouquet catching on fire during the ceremony.  So you have to abandon the idea of perfection anyway.  Once you do that, you realize that it will be a perfect day because you are married to your FI in the presence of your friends and family, even if it didn't turn out exactly the way you planned.

Don't focus too much on the form of the wedding (BM dresses, decorations, flowers, etc.) at the expense of the substance (getting married, being with all your friends and family on such a happy occasion, not alienating people in the quest for everything being "just right").

Sagenhaft

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_broke-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:cbe32477-1e6c-4a51-97cb-76cf1ec6a93bPost:f37451e8-1396-4d98-ad33-2d209d76361e">Re: Broke(?) Bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Broke(?) Bridesmaid : But the original poster wouldn't have had this problem if she'd simply asked the BM in question, plus the others, "Hey, what can you afford on a dress?" It's not fair to just pick a price and then exclude the people/the one person who can't come up with that amount.
Posted by mbcdefg[/QUOTE]

If $20 is a lot of money for someone, as was indicated in the original post, then it's likely she couldn't afford a dress at all. Dresses just don't get much cheaper than that.

HisCB

i would never ask someone special enough to be asked to begin with to stand down because the dress is too expesive. if the dress is that important to you, pay for it yourself, or subsidize it.
\
i agree with PP that say the friendship is more important than the dress.

best of luck to you, and your broke bm!

mbcdefg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_broke-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:cbe32477-1e6c-4a51-97cb-76cf1ec6a93bPost:cc68350c-43d4-4760-9bab-6ec2d9ec1bc8">Re: Broke(?) Bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Broke(?) Bridesmaid : If $20 is a lot of money for someone, as was indicated in the original post, then it's likely she couldn't afford a dress at all. Dresses just don't get much cheaper than that.
Posted by Sagenhaft[/QUOTE]

Mine were $129 each. And that was WAY below what my BMs told me beforehand that they could afford to spend.

I just really, REALLY can't picture kicking a friend out of my wedding over a piece of <strong>clothing</strong>.

Lisa50

Wow ... lots of good thoughts here.  First, $165 is NOT too much for a bridesmaid's dress, in general.  It is clearly too much for this particular friend. 

That said, I would profusely apologize to the friend for breaking her budget, tell her you can understand if it is simply not do-able for her and, very sweetly and politely, give her the option of not being in the bridal party.  She doesn't need to make a decision right away (giver her two weeks to let you know) and make sure she understands you're not being vindictive, but you've chosen the look you want for the bridal party and you're very sorry it doesn't work for her.  Done.

Now ... move on to something more fun on the "to do" list.  Enjoy!

Good luck and congratulations!!!

banana468

Sagen, I think the issue is that the OP didn't ask the BM well in advance what she could spend.

AND, to put that emphasis on the BMs without consulting them individually isn't being a good friend.

AND, FWIW, I think if you have a formal wedding where a lot of guests can't afford the appropriate attire then you (not you Sagenhaft but the general you) are being completely inappropriate in your plans from the start.

All the people are saying is that the OP needs to come up with solutions.

And sometimes finding a less expensive dress does not mean an inferior one.  That's what sales are for.

Yes, all the BM needs to do is buy the dress.  The OP, can subsidize the cost if she really wants her friend to be in the wedding OR she can start looking for less expensive dresses.  But a less expensive dress does not mean jeans.

Huskerfanz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_broke-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:cbe32477-1e6c-4a51-97cb-76cf1ec6a93bPost:9dcc73c5-734d-4c65-a2db-6c93d2a6775f">Re: Broke(?) Bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow ... lots of good thoughts here.  First, $165 is NOT too much for a bridesmaid's dress, in general.  It is clearly too much for this particular friend.  That said, I would profusely apologize to the friend for breaking her budget, tell her you can understand if it is simply not do-able for her and, very sweetly and politely, give her the option of not being in the bridal party.  She doesn't need to make a decision right away (giver her two weeks to let you know) and make sure she understands you're not being vindictive, but you've chosen the look you want for the bridal party and you're very sorry it doesn't work for her.  Done. Now ... move on to something more fun on the "to do" list.  Enjoy! Good luck and congratulations!!!
Posted by Lisa50[/QUOTE]

Seriously?  Have you read any of the posts?  I think $165 is high for a BM dress.  Mine were $112 and the one I'm in now is $115 and you can easily find dresses for less than that.  There is no sweet or polite way to kick out a BM, especially when the bride should ask for the budgets of each and every BM in the first place.  It's sad when "the look" is more important than the friend.

AdeleDazeem

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_broke-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:cbe32477-1e6c-4a51-97cb-76cf1ec6a93bPost:1ce8e140-1f08-461e-b06f-82d220ea1e13">Re: Broke(?) Bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Broke(?) Bridesmaid :  As I said before, sometimes BMs dresses are as important as a wedding dress. ...  If that one person can not afford it, then she should step down, similiar to how a guest who could not afford a tux would not attend a formal wedding.
Posted by Sagenhaft[/QUOTE]

I'm late to this game...  but goodness.  There's so much emphasis on how people *look* and how much things *cost* than on the friendships and the people themselves.  I find that so very sad.

And if the "look" of the wedding comes before the comfort of those nearest and dearest to you, then I think the whole purpose of the wedding has flown completely over your head.

megandjay

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_broke-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:cbe32477-1e6c-4a51-97cb-76cf1ec6a93bPost:52ea7806-084f-4147-b2ec-e9c7381ccff1">Re: Broke(?) Bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]$100-125 is the LIMIT on what I'll spend on a bridesmaid's dress.  If it is not something I will wear again, I don't feel the need to spend a lot on it. This is something I've struggled with for our wedding because of my own feelings on the cost of dresses.   The dress I liked was $160. We found it on houseofbrides.com for $112.  happy wedding party = happy bride.
Posted by backwerdsfish[/QUOTE]

This is a good idea, OP- have you checked online shops to see if she can get the same dress cheaper?

CTGirl30

OP, it was a faux pas not to ask the girls' (individually and in private) what their budgets where prior to looking for BM dresses. PPs have already stated this and they are correct. What's done is done, though, so...

NOW, you have a couple of options -

1. Help your friend pay for the difference between what she is willing to spend on the dress you selected and what the total cost of the dress is. This way she's not overextending her budget and she'll be in the dress you selected and have your heart set on right now.

2. Start researching online bridal shops (Pearl's Place, Netbride) to see if you can find the same dress selling for less and give ALL the BMs a price break on it.

3. Start looking for a less expensive dress. Less expensive does not equal ugly or unfashionable. You can look outside the bridal store box at Dept. stores and find lovely dress options (Nordstroms, for example, is having a sale right now - I was looking on there yesterday at cocktail dresses since another girl on this board was looking for blue or green dresses for her girls that were $100). Lots of other options out there. JCrew, too.

Remember that your wedding is just one day - a very important day, yes. But the way you treat people throughout this process will affect your friendships in the long run. Be a good friend and a gracious bride - your friends will appreciate a little understanding and flexibility. You'll have a wonderful wedding AND your friendships won't suffer in the process.

megk8oz

I'd seriously like to just point out now (After seeing the insanity that went down after I went to bed apparently) that it's just a dress. Yes, the same could be said for the bride's gown, but I know that those are way more important ... but the bride (Or whomever is paying for it) gets their own budget for that dress. And being the bride, I don't see a problem with having a nice dress, because the focus is on you that day and you should feel beautiful. But seriously, anybody else's attire that day is just a dress.

Not only is it "just a dress", it's a BM dress. It will only be worn once (Even the black dresses usually just get left in the closet to die), and the guests will barely notice it. Sorry, it's true. Unless the bride does something like "Ok, everybody, we're going to make these dresses out of shower curtains" or something "odd", guests are not going to remember what the BM dresses where, except for "It was blue" or "It was long".

As long as it's a dress or something that "fits" and it coordinated, people aren't going to be talking for weeks about what the BMs wore. They're pretty much not going to know the difference between a $400 dress and a $100 dress, hell even a $50 dress. And trust me, even if a guest could somehow figure out how expensive a particular dress was, it's not going to be "Wow, I was so impressed with those super-expensive dresses", it's going to be "Wow, the bride made them drop that much money for something they're never going to wear again?"

You don't exclude somebody you love because of their budget. Again, by that logic my own sisters should not have stood up for me, but instead, I should have asked people that I may not have cared about as much, but I knew "could afford it".

bmparry

I think your completely right. Its your day and she knew that being a bridemaid is expensive. $165 is not too bad, considering that anything wedding related is extremely expensive. If she was on that tight of a budget, she should have discussed it with you before hand. Its your day and ultimately you should get dress you want, with in reason (which 165 is). If she cant do it, she should respectfully step down, not flip out. HTH

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_broke-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:cbe32477-1e6c-4a51-97cb-76cf1ec6a93bPost:9dcc73c5-734d-4c65-a2db-6c93d2a6775f">Re: Broke(?) Bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow ... lots of good thoughts here.  First, $165 is NOT too much for a bridesmaid's dress, in general.  It is clearly too much for this particular friend.  That said, I would profusely apologize to the friend for breaking her budget, tell her you can understand if it is simply not do-able for her and, <strong>very sweetly and politely, give her the option of not being in the bridal part</strong>y.  She doesn't need to make a decision right away (giver her two weeks to let you know) and make sure she understands you're not being vindictive, but you've chosen the look you want for the bridal party and you're very sorry it doesn't work for her.  Done. Now ... move on to something more fun on the "to do" list.  Enjoy! Good luck and congratulations!!!
Posted by Lisa50[/QUOTE]

<div>You mean, sweetly and politely explain that you care more about a dress than about her, and if she can't cough up the cash, she isn't worth it.</div><div>
</div><div>I just can't believe how many people would have a friend drop out of a wedding over the cost of a dress.  All I can say is that I'm glad my friends have more class and heart than some of you.</div>

duckie1905

I am seriously losing my faith in humanity in part because of this post.  I don't understand how people can value fabric over friendship.

::shakes head::

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_broke-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:cbe32477-1e6c-4a51-97cb-76cf1ec6a93bPost:a5bca573-9c6d-4e45-99c1-ba4a5aac43b5">Re: Broke(?) Bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]I think your completely right. Its your day and she knew that being a bridemaid is expensive. $165 is not too bad, considering that anything wedding related is extremely expensive. If she was on that tight of a budget, she should have discussed it with you before hand. Its your day and ultimately you should get dress you want, with in reason (which 165 is). If she cant do it, she should respectfully step down, not flip out. HTH
Posted by bmparry[/QUOTE]

<div>Right, because at your wedding the dress is more important than the person in it.  Seriously?</div><div>
</div><div>What is WRONG with people?</div>

AdeleDazeem

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_broke-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:cbe32477-1e6c-4a51-97cb-76cf1ec6a93bPost:a5bca573-9c6d-4e45-99c1-ba4a5aac43b5">Re: Broke(?) Bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]... If she was on that tight of a budget, she should have discussed it with you before hand. <u><strong>Its your day</strong> </u>and ultimately you should get dress you want, with in reason (which 165 is). If she cant do it, she should respectfully step down, not flip out. HTH
Posted by bmparry[/QUOTE]

$165 isn't reasonable for the bridesmaid's budget, so it's not reasonable.  And saying "it's your day!" is also not a reasonable argument.  Now, I'm going to look for a sharp object to stab in my eye.  I can't read those horrid three words one more time.

banana468

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_broke-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:cbe32477-1e6c-4a51-97cb-76cf1ec6a93bPost:a5bca573-9c6d-4e45-99c1-ba4a5aac43b5">Re: Broke(?) Bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]I think your completely right. Its your day and she knew that being a bridemaid is expensive. $165 is not too bad, considering that anything wedding related is extremely expensive. If she was on that tight of a budget, she should have discussed it with you before hand. Its your day and ultimately you should get dress you want, with in reason (which 165 is). If she cant do it, she should respectfully step down, not flip out. HTH
Posted by bmparry[/QUOTE]

There are a few things wrong with this.

1) $165 isn't bad to YOU.  It's too much for the BM.  That's the point. 

2) The bride should have discussed the budget with the BM BEFORE choosing the dress.

Example:  DH and I are going to look for houses soon.  If an agent doesn't ask me for our budget IN ADVANCE and shows us houses based on just what she THINKS will work, I'm finding a new agent. 

3) It's not the bride's day.  The groom is there too.  AND as soon as you begin to involve others, it ceases being YOUR day.  You have to consider everyone you are involving - likes, dislikes and their budgets - all if it involves them spending money.

I'm deeply saddened by some of the responses here.

Mrs.B6302007

Jeez! 
What has happened in this thread?  I feel like the world is spinning out of control.

Sagenhaft

People don't stop being your friends because they're not in your wedding. If you decided to go on a birthday vacation and invited all your close friends, but one person couldn't swing the cost, then that person would stay home. You will see that person after the vacation, they will tell you happy birthday, and they'll know you wanted them there. Being "in" someone's wedding is too important to some people, IMO. I don't see any reason to change the dress you want because one person can't afford it -- and if the BM was on a ridiculously tight budget, then she should have made that clear when she accepted (yes, the bride should have asked her, but did she really expect the bride to pick a $20 dress?)