Torn between 2 for MOH

keri0517

I'm in need of some serious advice!  I am recently engaged and am torn between two friends for MOH. 

One is a friend since our middle school years - we lost touch for a few years but have grown much closer in the last 5 or so years.  I was a bridesmaid in her wedding and she tells me all the time that if she could do it all over again I'd be her MOH.  I am the godmom to her newborn son and I love them all very much. 

The other is a close friend since college.  She lives only about 30 mins away and is someone I call when I'm having a rough day or just want to hang out.  She is very supportive and full of positive energy.

The other thing is - I made the mistake of telling my college friend a couple years ago that she would be my MOH one day, not knowing at the time that my other friend from middle school would increase her presence in my life and make my decision a more challenging one.

I know that one of the more recent trends is to have two MOH's, and I've considered the idea... BUT that still doesn't solve my problem, because then it's still an issue of who is standing next to me and who is number 2 in line.  I know that my "number 2" is going to end up feeling hurt, which makes me feel like I need to make the decision sooner rather than later to give them ample time to work through it...

Thoughts?  Suggestions?!?

frogurt814

To start with, there are not any MOH duties.  Your MOH (or anyone else) is not required to throw you parties or help you plan your wedding.  Your MOH should be the person you are closest to.  Just have two MOHs and line up everyone in alphabetical order.  You should never (even if you have one MOH or no MOH) line up your BMs in order of "importance" to you.

suz62984

Your wedding date is over 2 years away. I know you are really excited to be planning but wait until 6-9 months before the wedding to choose a wedding party. Relationships change and these two are no exception. You'll be happy that you waited - I promise!

marissa_claire

Honestly, I wouldn't stress between them being hurt.  No matter what, if someone ever asks you to be in their BP, you should always feel honored and if they aren't going to feel that way then there might be issues down the road if they're that catty.  My MOH is my closest, most stable and sane friend.  I easily could have chosen other people (none of whom were upset they aren't MOH) but I went with the person who would make this wedding process easier (no, that doesn't mean who had the most free time to help me put together stuff, I don't want to get yelled at!) rather than someone who would just stress me out more and give me drama to worry about.  

mbcdefg

What "duties" do you think a MOH has?

How would YOU feel if someone said to you, "Well, you're my absolute best friend and I'd love to have you as MOH, but I feel like you won't be able to do enough stuff for me and my wedding. So I'm going to give the title to the girl who has the most free time to help me and throw parties for me. Hope you understand!"

Pick your dearest friend to be MOH. If that's two girls, have co-Maids of Honor (one can stand next to you at the ceremony and do all that stuff, and the other can give the toast at the reception so she's in the spotlight at the party). If you can't pick a best friend, have all bridesmaids and no MOH, then have your mom or someone come forward to collect your bouquet when it needs it.

But, no, don't pick the girl who'll be the best helper or the most available person. The MOH's requirement is to be your best friend, and that's all. Anyone who wants to help you or throw parties for you will volunteer, regardless of whether she's MOH, a bridesmaid, or not in the wedding party at all. If someone wasn't planning to do this stuff for you (because brides are not owed help and they are not owed or entitled to parties/showers), she won't do it, even if you name her MOH.

frogurt814

Ya, I didn't realize the wedding wasn't until 2012. Ditto aerin and suz and wait at least one year before you really start deciding who is going to be in your BP.

keri0517

...perhaps "duties" was the wrong word... : )  both of them have used that language which is why I also chose to use it.  they have mentioned roles they would like to take (i.e. be with me for dress fittings, planning bachellorette, etc) but i do not "expect" them to do things for me, more just to be a moral support to me in this exciting experience and really just enjoy it with me.

i feel the most amount of pressure from my childhood friend to make a decision, and worry most about hurting her feelings. given the negative experience she had with her own BP a couple years ago, it took a lot on my behalf to even get her to agree to be a part of my BP.  It means a lot to have her as part of my day and I love her dearly.  the title of MOH means a lot to her, and I know that if I were to say that I was having 2 MOH's the first question she'd ask me would be "so who's going to stand next to you?"  the pressure from her makes it tough on me - and even though my wedding is two years away she's already made it known that she doesn't want to wait a year to find out her "role". 

bablingbrooke

Who stands where is one of those things you decide the week before the wedding (or the day of in my case).  Not two years out.  If your friends are really hounding you this much (and I frankly question that), then you need to tell them both to chill out because you are not going to start planning this year.  

mbcdefg

...perhaps "duties" was the wrong word... : )  both of them have used that language which is why I also chose to use it.  they have mentioned roles they would like to take (i.e. be with me for dress fittings, planning bachellorette, etc) but i do not "expect" them to do things for me

That's fine, then. Just remind them that they're free to help as much/little as they want, regardless of their title.

more just to be a moral support to me in this exciting experience and really just enjoy it with me.

If you choose someone to be your friend, then it's pretty much understood that you like them as a person and that they're with you when you need it. Planning a party really doesn't require "moral support," so if they've been hounding you about how much support they're able to give, I would encourage them to relax. If they support your marriage, that's really all they need to worry about.

i feel the most amount of pressure from my childhood friend to make a decision, and worry most about hurting her feelings. given the negative experience she had with her own BP a couple years ago, it took a lot on my behalf to even get her to agree to be a part of my BP.  It means a lot to have her as part of my day and I love her dearly.  the title of MOH means a lot to her, and I know that if I were to say that I was having 2 MOH's the first question she'd ask me would be "so who's going to stand next to you?"  the pressure from her makes it tough on me - and even though my wedding is two years away she's already made it known that she doesn't want to wait a year to find out her "role". 

This is one of the rare instances where you can put your foot down and say, "Friend, I appreciate your concern, but this is my and FI's wedding and we're going to plan things the way we want to plan them. We're not comfortable naming a bridal party right now, and we'll do it when we're ready." End of story.

If a friend cannot accept this, and keeps bugging you for an answer when you're clearly not comfortable giving one right now, then I really have to question why you'd want to be her friend in the first place. Sure, she's excited, and that's not a crime, but her role as MOH or bridesmaid shouldn't have any impact on whether or not she'll help you (or not help), and it's unfair of her to demand things from you. Only a really scummy person would say, "Well, I was excited to help you out, but since you named someone else MOH then I'm going to punish you by not helping."

mgietler76

I didn't feel like reading the posts so if this is a double I apologize. Have 2 MOH's and they can both sit down, or have no MOH at all.

trix1223

Wait a year to choose a WP.  Wait a year to choose a MOH, or 2 MsOH, or no MOH.    If your friends can't accept "We're not choosing a WP until Halloween of 2011" say it over and over and over and over and over and over and over until they get it.

SeptemberFall2011

We all get excited to marry the man of our dreams and want to start getting the planning done.  Why not be honest and say that you are taking things slow and decide where things go.  Who knows you and college friend may fall apart because life happens.  Or middle school friend may move away and to do the wedding would be too much money.  We never know.  So why not take your time to enjoy your engagement, get ideas on what you would like for your wedding, and see how things go.  Until you decide, why not let them help you out and maintain the friendship.  You may decide to scrap the MOH titles and just have everyone be a bridesmaid!

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_torn-between-2-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:cc788bce-6336-47b0-99d9-74677940df5bPost:1db154fd-7469-4271-9966-a0e8dbff2951">Re: Torn between 2 for MOH</a>:
[QUOTE] Why does someone need "moral support" for a wedding??? It's a joyous time, and doesn't a fiance do that for his future wife?
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]
I ask myself this question every time I come to TK...

KJo1016

I'm having both my sisters as my MOH since I didn't want to pick one over the other.

CaseyandSalley

Is one of them married? Im having a maid and matron of honor plus three bridesmaids, works perfectly

jsu4638n

I couldn't decide between my best friend since high school or my little sister, so I decided to make my little sister my maid of honor, and my best friend matron of honor (since she'll be the only other married woman in my group)..

misskathryn

When I got engaged, I had a six month old and was out of touch with literally everyone. I had a year and a half to plan, and I wish I would have waited to pick the WP. I did go with my SIL for MOH, and I have no regrets there. She is my son's godmother and who I call to complain or ramble about life.