To be a BM or not to be a BM?

MangoSong

One of my best friends is anti wedding party. She doesn't really see the point of more then a MOH. I think she has even more of a sour taste of it after she was required to be in her sister's wedding a year and a half ago.

However, she's one of my best friends and I would love for her to stand with me and honor her with being a BM, as she's one of my best friends and has been there for me. I know that if I ask her, she'll say yes to make me happy, but will probably be secretly (or not so secretly) unhappy.

I feel like she's thinks there's so much more to being a BM then just buying a dress and showing up the day of, because of what her mother and sister made her do for her sister's wedding.

I guess I know I should ask her and let her decide for herself if she wants to be involved. Should I talk to her before I offically ask and let her know it's okay to say no? Or just ask her and let her decide for herself?

smartlypretty

Are you having other BMs? Or is she the only one? If she's your only BM, you could do something else. Ask her to go to the salon with you on the day of the wedding. Get her a flower corsage to wear. Ask her to do a reading. 

mbcdefg

It's kind of you to not want to push her into anything she's uncomfortable with.

But the most fair thing to do here is to let her make the decision for herself. Don't assume what she will and will not be comfortable with. It's not fair to just decide on her behalf that she doesn't want to do it. You sound like you want to be reasonable and not greedy with your own wedding, so she may be pleased to be a bridesmaid in such different circumstances.

I would invite her out for coffee and say something like, "You are one of my closest friends in the world, and I would love it if you would be my bridesmaid. I want to tell you up front that I'm not one of those brides who would expect you to do things for me or be a servant. But I know you had a bad experience in the past as a bridesmaid, so please know that my feelings will absolutely not be hurt if you'd rather not be my bridesmaid."

If she says yes but you get the feeling that she'd rather not do it ... I totally get that you want her to be happy, but ultimately she's an adult. She has the power to accept or decline your invitation. If she accepts the invitation even though she doesn't want to, and if you are totally kind and accommodating to her during the planning and she is STILL unhappy but won't drop out ... well, there's nothing you can do about it at that point. It was her decision. Part of being an adult is standing behind one's choices. All you can do about it is not pile any expectations on her (which is sounds like you wouldn't be doing anyway) and keep an open dialogue with her about the budget for her dress.

MangoSong

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_trying-to-invite-herself?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ccb793ec-8722-48fd-8af6-7409ae70b6c6Post:f997740a-f5e4-44e3-8dd9-269962f240d8">Re: To be a BM or not to be a BM?</a>:
[QUOTE]Are you having other BMs? Or is she the only one? If she's your only BM, you could do something else. Ask her to go to the salon with you on the day of the wedding. Get her a flower corsage to wear. Ask her to do a reading. 
Posted by smartlypretty[/QUOTE]
Having other ones, all girls she's friends with. With the exception of my sister (MOH).

I think she would rather be a BM then do a reading, or wear a corsage. Kind of like an all or nothing thing?

Summer2011Bride

Ask her and let her decide for herself. As a good friend, you're right, she'll probably accept even if she doesn't want to in order to not hurt your feelings. However, once the planning process gets going and you show her that you're not requiring the extra silly stuff she was "required" to do before, it's possible she'll realize that was ONE wedding and ONE bride and actually enjoy being in your wedding.

mbrischoux

This is exactly why I didn't ask my best friend to be in my wedding party.  Weddings aren't really things she subscribes to (though she is married), so I would rather have her at the wedding as a guest than making her buy a dress (she's complained about getting them in the past), dealing with a bridal shower (she didn't have one, so she doesn't think anyone should have one), or being a part of a frilly parade.  She passed a comment about not being asked, and I simply told her that I was keeping my bridal party to family (which I was, 3 cousins and my God daughter) and reminded her that she's complained about being in weddings before and that I felt she would be happier partying with us rather than being in the bridal party.  She just said, "Oh yeah!  I HATE bridesmaids dresses!" and really enjoyed herself at the wedding.