very worried- a bm problem

katiebenes

so, I have a girl in my party that I asked because my Mother thought I should because she looks up to me and blahblahblah...
now, she has started flaking on everything in life.
I'm not sure how to handle this.
IT IS NOT A HOW DO I KICK HER OUT QUESTION. I can't stress that enough. yeah, I only asked her for my mother, but I asked... so please don't say anything about that- I don't want to kick her out.
it's a do I rely on her? is it safe to assume she's going to flake on this too?

Also... her family doesn't have much money, and I'm worried that if I pick a dress that's too expensive (over 100) she won't be able to get it... but I am not buying anyones dresses and can't afford to anyways, or else I would have considered that...

what should I do? should I just go... I'm graduating and she's mega-flake; she probably won't talk to me anyways?

bablingbrooke

What are you worried about relying on her for?  Showing up?  Getting the dress? 

Ideally you would have the "what's your budget" conversation so that you don't go over her budget on the dresses.

Ultimately, if she doesn't get the dress by the wedding she's removed herself from the WP and you have nothing to feel guilty about.  Nagging her won't force her to get it (I could link you to 100 posts on here that show that constant reminders do nothing to make a BM get the dress faster).  I would just hope for the best but plan for the worst.  Tell yourself you will be okay and still married to your FI at the end of the day whether she flakes or not.  And you will be--I promise.

laurenclaire1386

What are you scared of her flaking out on? Since you apparently don't care much for this person and only asked her for your mother, presumably the only thing you need her to do is show up sober in a dress you pick at the right time on your wedding day. If she flakes on that, would you even really care? I don't see the problem here.

SarahPLiz

Listen to Brooke. Ask what her (and all the other BMs) budget is for the dress before you pick. Be sure to ask them individually so they don't commit to more money just because someone else in the group threw out a higher figure.

CTGirl30

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_very-worried-bm-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:cde22463-26f3-4a81-97a8-d3ca54c19f90Post:84d1986d-ed60-4be6-8bc4-76fa57e8b192">very worried- a bm problem</a>:
[QUOTE]so, I have a girl in my party that I asked because my Mother thought I should because she looks up to me and blahblahblah... now, she has started flaking on everything in life. I'm not sure how to handle this. IT IS NOT A HOW DO I KICK HER OUT QUESTION . I can't stress that enough. yeah, I only asked her for my mother, but I asked... so please don't say anything about that- I don't want to kick her out. it's a do I rely on her? is it safe to assume she's going to flake on this too? Also... her family doesn't have much money, and I'm worried that if I pick a dress that's too expensive (over 100) she won't be able to get it... but I am not buying anyones dresses and can't afford to anyways, or else I would have considered that... what should I do? should I just go... I'm graduating and she's mega-flake; she probably won't talk to me anyways?
Posted by katiebenes[/QUOTE]

OK, I'm not going to touch the fact that you asked her not because you wouldn't chosen her yourself but b/c of your mother's insistence...moving on to what you asked about - "Can I rely on her?"  What do you need to rely on her for? If it's for help planning your wedding, that is the job of you and your FI to make decisions and to visit vendors and address envelopes, etc...she doesn't HAVE to do any of the planning tasks associated with the wedding. If it becomes too much to handle, either scale back or hire a professional planner. That;'s not to say many BMs don't offer to help their friends who are getting married b.c they genuinely want to - I'm just saying it's best not to expect that b/c they don't HAVE to.
BMs also do not have to throw showers or bach parties - so you don't need to rely on her to do that. Anyone can host a shower for you, btw - if it's not your BMs it could be aunts, or family friends, or your FMIL.

If you're worried about relying on her to get the dress....ask her first - privately - what her budget for attire is. She will give you a number she feels comfortable with. It's then your responsibility to work with that number (remember it includes alterations for the dress). If she is indeed a mega flake and doesn't purchase the agreed upon dress that falls into her budget range by the wedding, then she will attend as a guest. Easy enough.

emilyinchile

I don't understand the last sentence of your post. What is this about graduating and her not talking to you?

You ask each BM for her budget before picking a dress. You respect that budget. Looking for regular cocktail dresses that aren't specifically marketed as BM dresses can lower costs, as can buying from reputable online retailers.

In terms of relying on her - for what? If she flakes on buying the dress and showing up to your wedding day, then that will suck, but you'll still have a great time at your wedding. I would hope that she would respect the fact that it's your wedding, not just any old party, and she'd show up in the dress. If she flakes on any pre-wedding stuff, that doesn't matter. Pre-wedding parties are gifts people can choose to give you - often BMs do choose to do so, but it's not a requirement.

The only thing I might consider doing is letting your other BMs know that she's probably not the best to rely on for organizing things.

gottahavashorti

I'm having trouble figuring out what you mean in most of the post, so I'll just say ditto PPs because they've given you good general advice.

The part I did understand was about cost.  Find something within her budget or pay for her dress.

trix1223

I think you're making a lot of assumptions about this person.  You're assuming (based on prior experience, I'll admit) that she's going to flake on you.  You're assuming that the dress will be too expensive.  You're assuming that you won't be able to rely on her.

Have you tried actually discussing anything with her?  Ask her what her budget is for a dress.

And beyond that, there's nothing that you really have to rely on her for.  If she gets the dress, she's in the wedding.  If she doesn't, she's not.

You can't control what she does or doesn't do.  You can only control how you respond to her actions.  GL

mbcdefg

Talk to each bridesmaid in private, get her budget for a dress, and then decide from there how much the dresses will cost.

It's entirely possible to find very nice dresses under $100. So if she gives you a $100 price point, it's not the end of the world. Find dresses that work within that price range. Or pick a color and let each BM get a coordinating dress wherever she wants, that way the responsibility is entirely on her. Or chip in maybe $25 for her so that you have a $125 budget to work with. Or tell your mother, "Susie has a really low dress budget. Since you want her in the wedding, maybe you could kick in a few bucks to help her out?"

If you consult with her about her budget, and pick a dress that she can afford and that she agrees to, and she flakes out on ordering it, then she's removed herself from the wedding and you are off the hook and it's not your fault. But the key is that she needs to agree to it and it needs to be within her budget ... if you know she has a $100 budget, don't choose a $200 dress and say, "Well, if you can't afford to order it then you're out," because that would just be manipulative.

If she gets the dress and shows up to the wedding, then she's done her job. If she doesn't help plan any pre-wedding parties or even attend them, then that's not her being a bad bridesmaid ... it's just her being herself. I agree with Emily, who said to give your MOH a heads-up that the BMs should not depend on her for help. I am not saying that they should exclude her from the plans entirely, but maybe tell the MOH, "Susie has a habit of promising to do things and then never doing them, so don't rely on her for anything that would be ruined if she doesn't follow through. Don't schedule anything specifically around her, because you might end up entirely changing your plans for something and she might not even show up."

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_very-worried-bm-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:cde22463-26f3-4a81-97a8-d3ca54c19f90Post:113bc34d-9a44-449e-a445-5fb59bee9836">Re: very worried- a bm problem</a>:
[QUOTE] I agree with Emily, who said to give your MOH a heads-up that the BMs should not depend on her for help. I am not saying that they should exclude her from the plans entirely, but maybe tell the MOH, "Susie has a habit of promising to do things and then never doing them, so don't rely on her for anything that would be ruined if she doesn't follow through. Don't schedule anything specifically around her, because you might end up entirely changing your plans for something and she might not even show up."
Posted by mbcdefg[/QUOTE]

<div><strong>Strongly agree</strong> with this.  I wish I had told my BMs about my sister's habit of chronically lying to people so that they wouldn't have had to change their plans for the bach party 5 times for her...only to have her decide the day before that she didn't feel like coming.  And they were paying for her, by the way! </div>

suz62984

The girls above are right. Have the talk about the budget and then try to find a dress within her price range. If you cannot maybe you can tell her you will pay for the difference. Otherwise, I wouldn't worry about her. If she does decide to flake out at the last minute than you still have your other BMs. Your wedding party being uneven isn't a big deal. I just wouldn't make her responsible for anything major.

tommyandy

ask your mom to help foot the bill for her, she's the one who wanted her in your BP.  Ditto pp about bm duties: show up on time in outfit while sober & clean.  you can leave right after pics if you want.

MyNameIsNot

Assuming you have the common decency to ask her, and all your BMs, about their budget before choosing a dress, I don't see what the issue is.  If she doesn't get the dress, she's taken herself out of the wedding.  If she doesn't show up, she's taken herself out of the wedding.

Those are the only things she has to do, so there's nothing for you to worry about.  Get budgets, pick a dress, give out ordering info, and proceed.  If she takes herself out, that's on her. 

The worst possible thing that could happen is that she'd bail at the last minute and you'd have an extra bouquet.  You could then just give it to your grandmother or someone. 

GardnerInTraining

I'm going thru something similiar.... have faith that before she committed to being a bridesmaid she knows that it can get expensive.  If she does not have that much experience with wedding stuff, maybe you can have coffee with her and give her the lowdown, or there are some articles on this site that give bridesmaids the run down.  Best of luck to you!

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_very-worried-bm-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:cde22463-26f3-4a81-97a8-d3ca54c19f90Post:17cd6739-3ba8-4b07-981b-5ce7bbc68850">Re: very worried- a bm problem</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm going thru something similiar.... have faith that before she committed to being a bridesmaid she knows that it can get expensive.  If she does not have that much experience with wedding stuff, maybe you can have coffee with her and give her the lowdown, or there are some articles on this site that give bridesmaids the run down.  Best of luck to you!
Posted by GardnerInTraining[/QUOTE]

<div>Please do not do this.  I could go through the list of everything wrong with this statement, but I'm just going to send you to all the other posts in both this thread and others that spells it out more clearly.  Long story short, just because some "article" on a wedding website somewhere says it does not make it true or okay for you to enforce.</div>

Kelley101010

I'm having a simliar problem with one of my BMs.  10 months ago I told them find a navy blue, knee length dress.  We are now 10 weeks away, and one of my 'maids has yet to even shop.  I sent her links to pretty dresses in all kinds of price ranges, and have even stopped in various shops as I travel (I travel for work).  She told me to stop shopping for her, and she would find something when her tax return came in.  Well, it came a few days ago, and instead of shopping, she went skiing.  And now she has spent the money.  I have offered to go with her, and maybe help her with money, but I can't get her to do anything towards it. 

If she doesn't do it, she won't be in the WP- it's as simple as that.  Love her, but I can't stress anymore about other people actions.  Or inactions.

cellarius

if it was me.. & i didn't want to ask her in the first place, but i did, i wouldn't kick her out of course but if the other maids can afford it i would NOT limit the dress you want them to wear just because of her. if she can't afford it too bad & if she doesn't have it by the wedding day then she doesn't have to be in the party. all your problems solved.  there's nothing maids need to really do but show up but i would definitely pick the dress i liked & not not choose one based on her price limits when you don't even really want her in it in the first place. it's not like it's your best friend or maid of honor you're thinking of accomodating it's someone your mom wanted in the wp. i wouldn't have agreed to it to begin with lol but now that you did the polite thing you don't have to keep catering to her as if it's so important & means so much to you that she's involved.

petal_80

I totally agree with everyone above.  If she flakes out on buying the dress then she has removed herself from the bridal party.  If she does this, I rekon she will be so embarased she probably wont turn up at all!!!!