BP help!!

luckyone08_7774238

Alright, this might be long but I need ideas/help/advice and I promise I won't get defensive if someone calls me silly or something. I'm really appreciative and welcoming of anything.

So I've been friends with my "best friend" for about 5 years now. We used to live near each other and we used to do a lot of stuff together but as of late, we've drifted apart. I moved 2 times in 4 years, each time further from her, I mean we still talk but we're not as close as we used to be. I used to do everything with her and her family and now I hardly see them. But when my FH and I got together and ultimately engaged she was very jealous and rude about it, as if she wasn't happy for me. Also, this summer I had to have emergency surgery during the same week I was supposed to housesit with her and when I told her what happened and that I couldn't do it she attacked me and told me I was avoiding her and that my surgery wasn't as serious as I made it sound. But before all of this, when we were closer, we always talked about being each other's MOH and planning each other's weddings, but now I don't know that I want her to be my MOH. I don't want her drama and I don't want her to try to make my wedding her own. She's just very immature and hasn't grown up to match her age. I want her to be a bridesmaid but I don't want her to by my MOH and I know she will flip out when I tell her this. And since my Mom is no longer living, her Mom wants to come along (trying on dresses) and play "Mom" even though I haven't seen her in ages. Any ideas on how to tell her that she might not be my MOH but I do want her as a bridesmaid? And how to deal with the "Mom" issue? 

Next, after I moved and got a new job, I met a girl who is now my best friend hands down. We did everything together when she lived here and we're much closer than ^ and I. I literally feel like she's my sister. We've been best friends for about 4 years now and I want her to be in the wedding, of course. At the same time, my cousin and I are REALLY close and she's basically the only person in my extended family that I talk to on one side. They're both married and I want both of them in my wedding but I don't want to pick who gets what position, I don't want either of them to feel slighted or offended. My best friend lives in Bermuda and my cousin lives in Alabama which would make it hard for them to put things together here and do all of that stuff. 

Is it okay to have 2 MatronsOH? And I'll need help doing things, is it okay to ask BM and Mom for help? I want them involved but I want my cousin and other best friend to be honored. Also, I'm having two other BMs. One lives here and one in Tennessee. I'm just having trouble with the whole MatronOH and MOH thing. Thanks everyone!

bablingbrooke

To answer your questions:

1. Totally fine to have 2 MsOH.

2. Totally fine to ask them for help, just as it's totally fine for them to decline to help.

3.  Don't have the "You're not MOH and here's why" talk.  Just ask her to be a BM.  If she asks why she's not MOH, just say that Judy is MOH and you can't imagine not getting married without her being your BM, then change the subject.  

Honestly, I doubt any mature adult holds anyone to the "promise" you made to each other to be each others MsOH when you were kids (although I'm starting to think I'm the only person in the world who didn't fantasize about my wedding from age 5 and therefore didn't talk WP until I actually got engaged).

ddumire

You're sure you want her in your bridal party at all?

gottahavashorti

when we were closer, we always talked about being each other's MOH and planning each other's weddings

I may have missed something important because that was pretty long, but was this before or after you got engaged?  Have you said since you got engaged that she is your MOH?  If not, "I'd love for you to be one of my bridesmais" would suffice.  The bridal party doesn't need to be invited to dress shopping, you can go by yourself or ask one or two relatives/friends of your choice.  More than that and it will probably get confusing with too many conflicting opinions.

It sounds like you genuinely can't decide between your best friend and cousin, so co-MOH sound perfect for you.  No one in your WP is required to help out with wedding stuff, the only expectation should be to purchase the dress requested as long as they have input on price and fit (it doesn't have to be their personal style, but not something that looks awful on their body type either).  Consider anything else to be a bonus and things will go better than if you go in with high expectations of your WP. 

Your FI can help you plan your wedding, and if it is too difficult then you can hire a wedding planner.  You could also ask your BM and her mom for help if it is clear that they're welcome to turn down the request

luckyone08_7774238

Brooke, we weren't kids so to speak, we were in HS but I'm afraid she's taking it that literally. That's what I meant by that. But thanks for the advice. I didn't start talking WP til just recently, so I appreciate it!

dd, yes I do. We're still good friends and I want her in the WP, so long as she doesn't completely flip out when I ask her to just be BM instead of MOH. If she declines, then I understand and we'll leave it at that. But I can't imagine her not being there when I do.

gottahavashorti, that was before I got engaged. And no, I haven't really had a serious WP talk with her and I haven't promised her the MOH part. She's just kind of assumed it. And that's what I'm worried about. And the dress shopping is probably just going to be me and a close family friend, I just used that as an instance. I understand if she and her MOm both decline to help, that's not the problem. I just wondered if it's okay to still ask them to help. And a wedding planner is completely out of question, we can't afford that. But thanks for the suggestion!

banana468

Are you really sure you want the first friend in the bridal party??  If you do, by all means just ask her to be a BM and don't have any talk with her.  If she's so rude as to ask why she's not MOH, just say, "These are the MsOH.  What kind of dress do you like?"

I'd seriously question asking her to be in the BP at all though. 

bablingbrooke

Unless you are both recent HS grads, it would be ridiculous for her to hold you to that promise.  

luckyone08_7774238

Brooke, that's what I thought. I just needed the opinion of other brides to be/brides.

We've been out 4 & 3 years respectively. I think she's jealous, she's been with a guy almost as long as I've been with mine and we're engaged and planning a wedding and her guy hasn't so much as mentioned getting engaged. I think that's part of the problem and its making it harder, hence the not maturing to meet her age. She's 22, I'm 21 and it's just becoming complicated. Thanks for all the help everyone

gottahavashorti

I think you're in the clear, then.  Ditto brooke, she shoudln't still expect to be MOH since it was discussed in high school.

luckyone08_7774238

Thanks ladies I appreciate it and feel a lot better. I am just afraid taht she's going to be ticked about the fact that I've known her longer but I'm asking my best friend who I've known less, but am much closer to, to be MaOH. Thanks for the help and suggestions!