ADVICE PLEASE

anon5386

I have been best friends with the bride to be for years. She has also had another best friend that she has knew longer than I have known her..

When she found out she was getting married, I didn't know who she would choose to be her MOH, and I didn't want to be rude and assume she would choose me, so I patiently waited for all the details of the proposal, along with who she chose for her wedding party.

I must say I was a bit disappointed when I was only asked to be a bridesmaid to her other bestie..my feelings were hurt. Especially knowing all the little falling outs the two had encountered when I can count on one hand how many arguments we had ever been in....but in the end I was honored to accept the responsibility as a bridesmaid.

Not even two months later, she came to me crying and talked to me about just how big of a b her maid of honor was, and rude things that I wont discuss on here had taken place between the two..and there was a lot of animosity between the two for a month before my friend discussed it with me. She said she didn't even like her soon to be husband, and talked my friend into the dirt to the point of tears and then gave her the silent treatment. I was there for my friend, just like I always would have been...she then asked me to step up in her place. I was shocked.. excited..and I accepted it. This whole time I have truly felt like I was second place.

Please keep reading...

I have been on and off with my boyfriend for 4 years, and my friend has been through it all with me. She helps me when I really need it and says everything that I need to hear when I need to hear it. She has formed an opinion of him from our fights, and refuses to even get together with us for date nights or dinner or anything..he is nice to her, and really tries to make small talk if she is around, and wants to form a relationship with her and her fiance...since we are so close, he wants to be close with us. I've even tried to talk to my friend and her fiance, like a real serious talk about how it would be cool for us to get together...and he basically laughed about it, and doesn't want to even try it out. It kinda really hurt my feelings that im supposed to be her best friend and I've sucked up a lot, yet she can't even make time for me and my boyfriend? I told her I would never bring the situation up again because I shouldn't have to beg her to hang out...they hang out with other couples and go out with his best man and his wife all the time...I think that's wrong.

It seems like the only time she wants anything to do with me is when its wedding related... I even offered to take her on vacation for a week to relieve her stress a while ago, before the wedding, so we could have fun and catch up...my idea was pretty much based on the fact that her prior maid of honor suggested it, only to a place my friend didn't desire to go to...and I wanted to make it meaningful to somewhere she would enjoy and be comfortable to make memories together. Now everything is ran on her time.. she never wants to really talk on the phone, its always texting.. the people she spends most of her time with now are people I've heard her badmouth...I feel like im venting and almost sounding selfish...but I don't even know how to talk to her about any of this....I said I would never hold my honor against her...but something just doesn't seem right..I feel like im not getting the respect that I deserve.

How am I supposed to stand up and make a toast for my best friend and her fiance who doesn't even care to hang out with my boyfriend and I?

Does it seem right for me to be feeling second best?

Has anyone been through this situation before?

Is it really right for me to keep going out of my way if she isn't budging at all? Its hard for me to make her stressfree, when the way I feel is stressing me out... HELP.

msuprincess04

While I respect that you are hurt, you need to just back off.

1) For her to replace her MOH with you was a crappy move. This is exactly why we always tell brides not to do it. It creates this exact feeling in the new MOH, whether the bride realizes it or not.

2) You don't get special treatment because you have a title. I get that you want it, and want special consideration when it comes to her free time, but she's got other friends and a wedding to plan. They might be someone she's badmouthed in the past, but apparently she's that kind of person. She talks behind other's back. And that's who you've chosen to be friends with. Give her some space, offer to be there when she needs you and go about living your own life. Weddings often bring out the worst in people, but that insanity is often just temporary. Relax, everything is fine.

3) She doesn't like your bf because you told her all kinds of nasty things about him. This likely won't change, and you need to respect her feelings on this. She is not interested in having any kind of relationship with him and you can't force her to. That's what happens when you tell your friends everything. I've been in this position and it sucks. In the end, you realize who you can vent to, and who you can't.

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_advice-please-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:d4d4ea07-f126-4685-aa8d-cabae989832bPost:1c88c5dc-35a6-4460-bb85-503013e232f2">Re: ADVICE PLEASE</a>:
[QUOTE]While I respect that you are hurt, you need to just back off. 1) For her to replace her MOH with you was a crappy move. This is exactly why we always tell brides not to do it. It creates this exact feeling in the new MOH, whether the bride realizes it or not. 2) You don't get special treatment because you have a title. I get that you want it, and want special consideration when it comes to her free time, but she's got other friends and a wedding to plan. They might be someone she's badmouthed in the past, but apparently she's that kind of person. She talks behind other's back. And that's who you've chosen to be friends with. Give her some space, offer to be there when she needs you and go about living your own life. Weddings often bring out the worst in people, but that insanity is often just temporary. Relax, everything is fine. 3) She doesn't like your bf because you told her all kinds of nasty things about him. This likely won't change, and you need to respect her feelings on this. She is not interested in having any kind of relationship with him and you can't force her to. That's what happens when you tell your friends everything. I've been in this position and it sucks. In the end, you realize who you can vent to, and who you can't.
Posted by msuprincess04[/QUOTE]

Pefectly said.

OP, read the quote above and then read it again and again until it sinks in.

anon5386

Im not asking for special treatment by any means...im just saying that if the maid of honor wasn't such a big deal, I should have just been a bridesmaid... And I understand that while people form their own perceptions of people, as she did, it was because I was supposed to be able to talk to her about anything...but her perception isnt created by how he has ever treated her. I agree with what has been said about how opinions like this don't normally change, but I think she should atleast be able to set things aside for the sake of our friendship!

anon5386

In Response to Re:ADVICE PLEASE:[QUOTE]I don't know of an easy way to say this, but it sounds like your friend is using you. I get the feeling she does not consider the two of you as close as you do. After all, you're a secondstring MOH, who she only wants to talk to or hang out with over wedding stuff. It sounds to me like she asked you to intentionally hurt her other friend.

As for your boyfriend, if you tell people all about your problems, of course they are going to develop a skewed perception of him. Without knowing the details of your relationship with him, I cannot say if your friend is right to be unsupportive of your relationship or not, it's possible she is. But the bottom line is that her opinion of him is not likely to change at this point, right or wrong.

You need to take a good look at this friendship and see if you really want to continue it in its current state. Because it is not likely to change. Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]



I have never got the vibe that she was using me...and my heart doesn't want to believe it, but it does almost seem like that...its like im second best...hope this isn't the case :

msuprincess04

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_advice-please-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:d4d4ea07-f126-4685-aa8d-cabae989832bPost:950349a8-b475-4a2f-aa97-cce0f4347e11">Re:ADVICE PLEASE</a>:
[QUOTE]im just saying that if the maid of honor wasn't such a big deal, I should have just been a bridesmaid... Posted by anon5386[/QUOTE]

This is my point. You want special treatment because you have a "big deal" title. But it really doesn't work that way. You get your name listed with honor on the program and you get to stand next to the bride on the alter (or wherever). That's what you get that's special. You may be asked to sign the certificate or hold the bouquet. Those are the only  "responsibilities" of a MOH, and they can really be performed by anyone. Anything else, from party planning to licking envelopes, you can choose to do (or not to do), because you are a friend of the marrying couple, your title doesn't dictate anything more. When you understand that she may invite someone else or no one at all to look at venues, or programs, or cake tasting or whatever, the better time you will have with this situation. When you go back to being a friend who's there when she needs you, and not when you want her to need you, you'll feel better about your relationship.

dravecky4

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_advice-please-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:d4d4ea07-f126-4685-aa8d-cabae989832bPost:be2fe394-72b7-4908-914e-14e9eb87793c">Re:ADVICE PLEASE</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:ADVICE PLEASE : This is my point. You want special treatment because you have a "big deal" title. But it really doesn't work that way. You get your name listed with honor on the program and you get to stand next to the bride on the alter (or wherever). That's what you get that's special. You may be asked to sign the certificate or hold the bouquet. Those are the only  "responsibilities" of a MOH, and they can really be performed by anyone. Anything else, from party planning to licking envelopes, you can choose to do (or not to do), because you are a friend of the marrying couple, your title doesn't dictate anything more. When you understand that she may invite someone else or no one at all to look at venues, or programs, or cake tasting or whatever, the better time you will have with this situation. When you go back to being a friend who's there when she needs you, and not when you want her to need you, you'll feel better about your relationship.
Posted by msuprincess04[/QUOTE]


both of your posts are spot on friend....

AdeleDazeem

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_advice-please-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:d4d4ea07-f126-4685-aa8d-cabae989832bPost:4e7c48b6-b26c-490c-bff6-c73c7f0c9eba">Re:ADVICE PLEASE</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't know of an easy way to say this, but it sounds like your friend is using you. I get the feeling she does not consider the two of you as close as you do. After all, you're a secondstring MOH, who she only wants to talk to or hang out with over wedding stuff.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

This was my exact take on the situation, but I couldn't find a constructive way to say it. 

I get the impression that you are into her and she's only lukewarm to you.  I've been in friendships like that and it was really difficult for me to see it and then accept it.  I broke off the friendship after years.  It still makes me sad.

anon5386

I've looked through many sites, and have already experienced more maid of honor duties than the few you described.. maybe that's because im trying to be a great friend and give my friend a great wedding experience...and maybe you don't see it because your wedding experience with your MOH was different than what we had... in addition to the duties you have listed, I also led every aspect of the bridal shower, do all the driving for our wedding parties events dress selection, fitting appts, decorations, etc and I have spent my own money and time because that's what I would want my MOH to do, and its also what is expected of me. Im also planning the whole bachelorette party based on the guides of the bride... those responsibilities weren't given to all the bridesmaids, and were reserved for one person, the MOH..so where your thinking the title doesn't have important responsibilities, or where that person shouldn't be respected just as much if not more, is where im a little confused. I would still like more input from others on my situation. Im open to hear others and their perspectives!

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_advice-please-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:d4d4ea07-f126-4685-aa8d-cabae989832bPost:adad4d87-0c95-4022-bc79-c88e45365c09">Re:ADVICE PLEASE</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I've looked through many sites, and have already experienced more maid of honor duties than the few you described</strong>.. maybe that's because im trying to be a great friend and give my friend a great wedding experience...and maybe you don't see it because your wedding experience with your MOH was different than what we had... in addition to the duties you have listed, I also led every aspect of the bridal shower, do all the driving for our wedding parties events dress selection, fitting appts, decorations, etc and I have spent my own money and time because that's what I would want my MOH to do, and its also what is expected of me. Im also planning the whole bachelorette party based on the guides of the bride... those responsibilities weren't given to all the bridesmaids, and were reserved for one person, the MOH..so where your thinking the title doesn't have important responsibilities, or where that person shouldn't be respected just as much if not more, is where im a little confused. I would still like more input from others on my situation. Im open to hear others and their perspectives!
Posted by anon5386[/QUOTE]
Those other sites are invested in getting as much money a possible out of you and the bride.  Your only, only duties are to get the dress and stand up for the ceremony.  If you do any of the other stuff, you should do it because you genuinely want to, and not because a site told you that you have to.  We're getting this from our personal experience with treating our friends like friends and not like hired help, and still having relationships with them afterward.  Brides who treat their supposed friends like your friend is treating you often discover that they've ruined their friendships because a magazine told them to.

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_advice-please-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:d4d4ea07-f126-4685-aa8d-cabae989832bPost:adad4d87-0c95-4022-bc79-c88e45365c09">Re:ADVICE PLEASE</a>:
[QUOTE]I've looked through many sites, and have already experienced more maid of honor duties than the few you described.. maybe that's because im trying to be a great friend and give my friend a great wedding experience...and maybe you don't see it because your wedding experience with your MOH was different than what we had... in addition to the duties you have listed, I also led every aspect of the bridal shower, do all the driving for our wedding parties events dress selection, fitting appts, decorations, etc and I have spent my own money and time because that's what I would want my MOH to do, and its also what is expected of me. Im also planning the whole bachelorette party based on the guides of the bride... those responsibilities weren't given to all the bridesmaids, and were reserved for one person, the MOH..so where your thinking the title doesn't have important responsibilities, or where that person shouldn't be respected just as much if not more, is where im a little confused. I would still like more input from others on my situation. Im open to hear others and their perspectives!
Posted by anon5386[/QUOTE]

All of these "duties" you have listed are not your responsiblity.  You are not hearing what the other posters have said.  The only true duties of a MOH or a BM is to buy the dress and show up the day of the wedding.  Everything you listed that you have done because wedding websites (including this one) have said that they are "duties" or are "required" is just not true.  The things that you have done are 100% voluntary.  Anyone could have done them not just you.

Anyhoo, even if you believe that what you have done are required as a MOH that still doesn't mean that you deserve more attention or special treatment from the bride.  You should be doing these things because you want to help out your friend not for a special prize.

anon5386

Just to set the record straight, im not doing any of the things im doing for a SPECIAL prize. It isn't my first time in a wedding, but it is my first time as a MOH..that's why I looked online to see what it was all about...there is a drastic difference between what I've read on numerous sites and what you are saying and what my friend expects.. Im doing the things im doing out of the kindness of my heart because she deserves those things and I see all the stress she's going through, and just how perfect she wants her day to be.... The only thing I've really asked for was a little more respect, which shouldn't be a PRIZE..some extra quality time, that has NOTHING to do with the wedding..and it seems like no one is understanding just that.

anon5386

I feel like the only people truly understanding are people who have been in a similar situation

RamonaFlowers

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_advice-please-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:d4d4ea07-f126-4685-aa8d-cabae989832bPost:f079d41a-4d19-4a01-85bb-0611f9380bc6">Re:ADVICE PLEASE</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:ADVICE PLEASE : Those other sites are invested in getting as much money a possible out of you and the bride.  Your only, only duties are to get the dress and stand up for the ceremony.  If you do any of the other stuff, you should do it because you genuinely want to, and not because a site told you that you have to.  We're getting this from our personal experience with treating our friends like friends and not like hired help, and still having relationships with them afterward.  Brides who treat their supposed friends like your friend is treating you often discover that they've ruined their friendships because a magazine told them to.
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

That, and OP, you're a perfect example of how damaging it can be to a friendship. Your friend isn't even asking you to do this stuff, but since the wedding industry brainwashed you into thinking you had to, you're jumping through all of these hoops, and now you're getting resentful that you're doing things "by the book" and your friend hasn't given you a cookie and a pat on the head for doing so.

cookie0803

OP, there is a difference between what you're supposed to do as a BM/MOH and what you can do. No one is saying you shouldn't do these things for your friend (unless you don't want to), they are just laying out the requirements. My MOH was so excited when I asked her that she immediately started trying to help me plan. I had sit her down and explain that I love her and I'm so glad she wants to help, but she needs to know that she only needs to get the dress (which I may buy for everyone anyway) and show up on time. Anything else is icing on the cake. It sounds like you're being a much better friend to her than she is to you. If you don't want to end the relationship, adjust your expectations. If it bothers you to go above and beyond for her when she won't voice her appreciation, don't do it. FWIW, it would upset me, too!

OliveOilsMom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_advice-please-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:d4d4ea07-f126-4685-aa8d-cabae989832bPost:c74765d6-b527-4dd3-949a-ef0bfd61338a">Re:ADVICE PLEASE</a>:
[QUOTE]I feel like the only people truly understanding are people who have been in a similar situation
Posted by anon5386[/QUOTE]

I have been in your situation.  I was a BM, not the MOH.  But another friend was MOH.  The bride treated us all the same.  Like we were her slaves.  She was doing to us, what your friend is currently doing to you.  I didn't even get a thank you card for throwing her a shower.  Hell, I didn't even get a thank you for her shower gift!  She never seemed grateful for all the crap we put up with and all the things we did for her.  And guess what?  We are no longer friends with her.  You need to evaluate this friendship. 

Stop trying to make the date nights happen.  As Stage said, your friend has heard too many bad things about your bf to want to get to know him past these incidents.

Please listen to the ladies who have posted already.  They are all spot on with this situation. 

msuprincess04

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_advice-please-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:d4d4ea07-f126-4685-aa8d-cabae989832bPost:adad4d87-0c95-4022-bc79-c88e45365c09">Re:ADVICE PLEASE</a>:
[QUOTE]because that's what I would want my MOH to do, and its also what is expected of me.... if not more, is where im a little confused. Posted by anon5386[/QUOTE]

You can ask for a hundred perspectives, but you aren't going to get many. First, the fact is, you already stated you are doing these things because you hope one day someone will do them for you. So stop pretending you aren't doing them for a purpose. Second, here, you're own words, you deserve as much respect "if not more" meaning, you surely think you deserve more for what effort you are putting in. Again, a purpose. Third, just because the bride assigns you a million tasks and you do them with no questions asked is your choice. No one thinks you better or worse for it, until you start whining that it's too much and you aren't getting your proper recognition.

Yes, you should be respected as a friend, all wedding issues aside. If you are being disrespected then you should say something. Or simply, just say no the next time she asks you to do something. Want to stop being treated like free labor, because apparently what she's treating you like? Then stop acting like it's ok.