MOH dilemma!!!

heatherraeholland

So my sister and I have been very close over the last 7-8 years of our lives.  Earlier this spring (before I got engaged) my parents announced their divorce because my mother having an affair with her high school boyfriend.  My father was clueless.  They had been married for 29 years.  My sister and I were very supportive of him and criticized my mother.  I still am on very rocky ground with her.  We got engaged in May and I very excited about getting married.  We are best friends with my sister AND her husband.  Last week she announced she wanted a divorce and didn't want to try to make it work.  So this weekend in order to give her some thinking time, my FH and I, had the kids and my brother in law down to our house.  Come to find out on Sunday her husband found out she was sleeping with his other best friend.  She at this point isn't speaking to me, which yes I know this is very fresh for her but she could at least speak to me.  I have decided to give it a month to think about, but she is my MOH and I am having an issue having her big the big main person standing behind me in my wedding in 5 months.  I don't want to kick her out of the bridal party just move down to bridesmaid instead of MOH!  Just want some opinions on what to do!! Thanks Ladies!

emilykathleen511

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:d4f7e217-6071-4ac1-8103-e8058a12976cPost:6bd88533-2b6e-4949-9a73-4cec90c9a6b6">MOH dilemma!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]So my sister and I have been very close over the last 7-8 years of our lives.  Earlier this spring (before I got engaged) my parents announced their divorce because my mother having an affair with her high school boyfriend.  My father was clueless.  They had been married for 29 years.  My sister and I were very supportive of him and criticized my mother.  I still am on very rocky ground with her.  We got engaged in May and I very excited about getting married.  We are best friends with my sister AND her husband.  Last week she announced she wanted a divorce and didn't want to try to make it work.  So this weekend in order to give her some thinking time, my FH and I, had the kids and my brother in law down to our house.  Come to find out on Sunday her husband found out she was sleeping with his other best friend.  She at this point isn't speaking to me, which yes I know this is very fresh for her but she could at least speak to me.  I have decided to give it a month to think about, but she is my MOH and I am having an issue having her big the big main person standing behind me in my wedding in 5 months.  Just want some opinions on what to do!! Thanks Ladies!
Posted by heatherraeholland[/QUOTE]

emilykathleen511

Sorry, I accidentally hit submit before I typed out my reply.

I would just give it some time. Wait a couple of months before you do anything at all. After that, please try to have a heart to heart with her as a sister--NOT as a bride. She will always be your sister before anything else.

I'm also confused as to what you are asking...are you concerned that you don't want her there in support of your marriage since she couldn't honor hers? Or are you just concerned that right now she isn't speaking to you?

If it is the former, that is something that only you can figure out. Again, I would wait a few months before you decide or do anything. Second, I would think long and hard before kicking her out of your bridal party. That could damage your relationship with your sister (more so than it already has been) for the rest of your lives. If it is the latter, I would just give it a few months and see what happens. Just try to treat her as a sister and not a bridesmaid...you won't regret it.

liz745

I agree with the pp...You should give it sometime. Right now it seems as though everyone is highly emotional. You dont want to do anything you might regret.

banana468

Right now, focus on your relationship with your sister.

I agree that if it was fresh for me, I'd be upset, hurt and angry just to name a few.  But if you're very close with your sister, working on your relationship is something that you'll need to consider.  Working on it doesn't mean that you condone what she's done.  It means though that you do consider her to be a significant part of your life.

mbcdefg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:d4f7e217-6071-4ac1-8103-e8058a12976cPost:6bd88533-2b6e-4949-9a73-4cec90c9a6b6">MOH dilemma!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't want to kick her out of the bridal party just move down to bridesmaid instead of MOH! 
Posted by heatherraeholland[/QUOTE]

What effect would this have besides pissing her off? Would you be trying to make a point or something?

I don't get why she's suddenly not good enough to be your MOH, but standing by you as a bridesmaid is A-O.K.

redheadfsu

I ditto don't do anything now.

She is in a rough place right now & she needs a sister, not a bride. Yes, she was the one who cheated on her husband, but her marriage is falling apart. She needs her friends & family to help her deal with this. (She has kids, so this is probably going to get messy) Just work on your relationship with your sister. Do not even think about the wedding/MOH issue for a few months. (& If you bump her down, it will only cause more hurt feelings/relationship).

emilykathleen511

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:d4f7e217-6071-4ac1-8103-e8058a12976cPost:6bd88533-2b6e-4949-9a73-4cec90c9a6b6">MOH dilemma!!!</a>:
[QUOTE] I don't want to kick her out of the bridal party just move down to bridesmaid instead of MOH!  Just want some opinions on what to do!! Thanks Ladies!
Posted by heatherraeholland[/QUOTE]

Okay, now I get the later posts...this was't in her original post.

In response to this portion of your post, I don't think it would be a smart move to "move (her) down to bridesmaid." Bridesmaids and MsOH do essentially the same things. The only differences are that the MOH stands next to you, holds your bouquet, and usually signs the marriage license and gives a toast. Someone else can sign the license and give a toast if you ask them to...just don't make a big deal of it and don't specifically inform your sister that she will not be doing these things. Just keep her as MOH...it's basically the same as bridesmaid anyway. She IS your sister after all, even if you don't agree with everything she does.

deepcovejackie

First of all, have you talked to you sister at all yet?  Or is this all from your brother in law?  Don't take everything at face value or make judgements until you talk to her.

If I were your sister and you had my ex-husband AND their kids to your place instead of me I wouldn't be speaking to you either.  You need to be on HER side.

Your wedding is not important here, but to answer your question, no, don't ask her to step down and dont' kick her out of the wedding party.  Your sister more than anything needs to know her life will go on and her kids will be ok.

emilyinchile

I agree with what everyone's said. The worst case scenario is that the day of your wedding you guys are still not getting along well. If that's the case, she'll either not show up (which is fine, you can have uneven sides and don't need an MOH) or will show up with the dress and smile in photos (which is all she's required to do anyway). It won't ruin your wedding, and it will make it a lot easier for you guys to work on your relationship in the future. If you kick her out or "demote" her, that's a big insult that will probably take a long time to heal.

Definitely approach any conversation as her sister, not a bride. Right now your wedding is not as important as her marriage.

CTGirl30

Asking her to "step down" would be adding insult to injury right now. Her marriage is falling apart and she also has children to worry about on top of all of that - I'm sure she could really use some support from her sister in this, whether or not she cheated / whose fault it was, etc. If you're not speaking, how do you know her side of the story yet?

And I guess I don't understand why you didn't offer up your home to your sister to get away and do some thinking...I agree with PP that this may have contributed to her not speaking to you - she may feel like your loyalty is not to her (whether or not you agree with the allegations of the affair).

Hold off on making judgements until you can start to rescue your relaitonship with your sister and approach this as her sister - not as a bride, like other PPs have said. Just know that making that move - asking her to step down or to even step out of the BP - will likely damage the relationship you two have even further.

duckie1905

I'm not sure why you are even concerned with your wedding party at this point.  Concentrate on your relationship with your sister, not on her relationship to your wedding.

aerinpegadrak

You don't have a MOH dilemma, you have a sister dilemma.  It's kind of petty to be focusing on how this major life crisis for her is going to affect your wedding.

aerinpegadrak

Lynda beat me to it.  Your wedding lasts less than a single day.  Your marriage lasts a lifetime, and is the important thing.  Your relationship with your sister will also last a lifetime, and is almost as important.  People hold strange grudges over wedding stuff.  If she chooses to exclude herself, then that's on her, but you don't want to be the one destroying any chance of reconciliation with your sister over a four hour party.

You and your sister have some serious issues to work through right now.  But those issues don't have anything remotely to do with your wedding.

emilyinchile

Aerin and Lynda are right.

OP, there is a difference between your wedding (one day, very special but not all that important in the grand scheme of things) and your marriage (clearly extremely imporant). Your sister's behavior has nothing to do with either.

It is wrong that your sister cheated. It is wrong that she's treating you this way. I don't think anyone's trying to tell you otherwise. But it would also be wrong for you to make this issue about a party (ie. your wedding) rather than about the future of your family (which in my mind includes your sister, BIL and nieces/nephews).