2 WP issues...help please.

rox_tar

Ok here's my situation:|

Issue #1: MOH decision. My BF since kindergarten and I have talked about being each others MOH's as long as I can remember. We've been friends longer than I've known my own sister and I'd really like to make her MOH. However, in recent years her life has taken a bit of a downward spiral. She has become an alcoholic and is having a lot of trouble just getting by (paying bills etc). She has become VERY unreliable and I'm still not 100% positive that she'll even be able to make it. (she will have to travel out of state) She swears up and down that she'll save and be at the wedding, but she has to borrow money from people every month just to pay her rent. She spends all her money on alcohol, drugs and partying.

I could pick my sister, but she lives out of state as well. And to be completely honest, I've always pictured my wedding with BF as MOH. Not a bridesmaid.
DF says to have 2 MOH's. Is that OK?
How do you deal when most of your wedding party is out of state?

Second major issue:
Coworker as BM?
One of my friends/coworkers has been helping me out so much with the planning. She will be coming with me to help me try on dresses and is getting pretty involved with things. I live far from most of my family and friends and she's one of the only friends I've made on my own here in CA. We hang out, outside of work and stuff. I've even hung out with her family on a few occasions. What I am worried about is, when coworkers move on and get different jobs and stuff and you never hear from them again. I don't want to look back at my pictures and wonder "whatever happened to _____."

But do you take someone dress shopping and stuff and not make them a bridesmaid?

I know that was a lot, but I thank anyone in advance if they've got any advice for me.

MyNameIsNot

Your MOH should be your closest friend in the whole world.  Don't worry about who is physically closer, who will help you do things, who you've been friends with longer, wahtever.  Who is the very first person you would call if you had something good or bad happen?  That's your MOH.  Yes, you can have 2, or 0, or whatever. 

For the coworker, no you don't have to have her as a BM just because she's doing things with you.  Being a BM =/= helping plan your wedding or vice versa.  If you feel really close to her, you could ask her, but if the only reason you'd even consider asking her is because she's helping you, then you probably shouldn't.  Instead, get her a nice thank you give and write her a nice note letting her know how much you appreciate her doing those things with you.

stina93446

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_2-wp-issueshelp-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:d57704bc-a75c-464e-9bca-752ee8b264ebPost:df76c5f6-f908-4217-ae9f-a50993f900a2">2 WP issues...help please.</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok here's my situation:| Issue #1: MOH decision. My BF since kindergarten and I have talked about being each others MOH's as long as I can remember. We've been friends longer than I've known my own sister and I'd really like to make her MOH. However, in recent years her life has taken a bit of a downward spiral. She has become an alcoholic and is having a lot of trouble just getting by (paying bills etc). She has become VERY unreliable and I'm still not 100% positive that she'll even be able to make it. (she will have to travel out of state) She swears up and down that she'll save and be at the wedding, but she has to borrow money from people every month just to pay her rent. She spends all her money on alcohol, drugs and partying. I could pick my sister, but she lives out of state as well. And to be completely honest, I've always pictured my wedding with BF as MOH. Not a bridesmaid. DF says to have 2 MOH's. Is that OK? How do you deal when most of your wedding party is out of state? Second major issue: Coworker as BM? One of my friends/coworkers has been helping me out so much with the planning. She will be coming with me to help me try on dresses and is getting pretty involved with things. I live far from most of my family and friends and she's one of the only friends I've made on my own here in CA. We hang out, outside of work and stuff. I've even hung out with her family on a few occasions. What I am worried about is, when coworkers move on and get different jobs and stuff and you never hear from them again. I don't want to look back at my pictures and wonder "whatever happened to _____." But do you take someone dress shopping and stuff and not make them a bridesmaid? I know that was a lot, but I thank anyone in advance if they've got any advice for me.
Posted by rox_tar[/QUOTE]

First issue, yes you can have 2 MOHs. No rule against this. If you imagine your friend as the MOH go with her. It should be your nearest and dearest friend. If she doesn't show up, don't worry about it. Yes it sucks that she bailed, but think about how hard her life has been with being an alcoholic. I'd worry about it when that day comes. For now, I'd go with her.

As for your co-worker, you should pick your bp on who is your friend, not on who helps you. If you think that you'll be friends with this co worker 10 years down the line even after you move, job change, etc. ask her. If you're only asking her because she's going dress shopping with you, don't. Also, you might want to hire a wedding consultant or ask your sis to do that with you, since you might be sending mixed messages to this coworker.

blackfire5th

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_2-wp-issueshelp-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:d57704bc-a75c-464e-9bca-752ee8b264ebPost:df76c5f6-f908-4217-ae9f-a50993f900a2">2 WP issues...help please.</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok here's my situation:| Issue #1: MOH decision. My BF since kindergarten and I have talked about being each others MOH's as long as I can remember. We've been friends longer than I've known my own sister and I'd really like to make her MOH. However, in recent years her life has taken a bit of a downward spiral. She has become an alcoholic and is having a lot of trouble just getting by (paying bills etc). She has become VERY unreliable and I'm still not 100% positive that she'll even be able to make it. (she will have to travel out of state) She swears up and down that she'll save and be at the wedding, but she has to borrow money from people every month just to pay her rent. She spends all her money on alcohol, drugs and partying. I could pick my sister, but she lives out of state as well. And to be completely honest, I've always pictured my wedding with BF as MOH. Not a bridesmaid. DF says to have 2 MOH's. Is that OK? How do you deal when most of your wedding party is out of state?
[/QUOTE]
Yes, is it absolutely okay to have 2 MOH's.  Even though your friend might not make it, I would still make her MOH because that is what you want.  If she is there, great!  If not, oh well, you still have your sister to help hold your bouquet.

My entire WP lived out of state.  I think you are confused about "Wedding Party" duties.  In reality, their duties are to get the dress and show up sober for the wedding and smile for photos.  A shower and b-party are gifts to the bride by the WP, but they are not required.  BM also don't go to vendors or dress shopping or address invites or anything like that.  It is up to  you and your FI to plan the wedding, not your bm.

If you are worried about dresses, you could always pick a color, length, and designer and let them choose their own.  Or you could try to meet with a couple and then send out an e-mail with the dresses you are thinking about and ask their opinions.


[QUOTE]
Second major issue: Coworker as BM? One of my friends/coworkers has been helping me out so much with the planning. She will be coming with me to help me try on dresses and is getting pretty involved with things. I live far from most of my family and friends and she's one of the only friends I've made on my own here in CA. We hang out, outside of work and stuff. I've even hung out with her family on a few occasions. What I am worried about is, when coworkers move on and get different jobs and stuff and you never hear from them again. I don't want to look back at my pictures and wonder "whatever happened to _____." But do you take someone dress shopping and stuff and not make them a bridesmaid? I know that was a lot, but I thank anyone in advance if they've got any advice for me.
Posted by rox_tar[/QUOTE]

Just because she is helping you out, doesn't mean that she has to be a bm.  Ask yourself:  Right now, do I want her to be a bm and go form there.  Just because you may not work together in the future does not mean you won't be friends.  Rather than looking back and wondering "whatever happened ot her"  focus on how much it meant to you that day to have her there.

If you don't want to make her a bm, I'd get her a gift and write her a heartfelt note about how much all her help meant to you.  You could even make her somewhat of a guest of honor and get a crosage for her to wear that day.

deepcovejackie

Off topic of the wedding, but maybe you should see if your friend is ok re: her downward spiral and her alcohol issues.  Does she need your help sorting out her life? There is more to the friendship than just the wedding surely?

bablingbrooke

If you can't pick your MOH in 4 seconds or less, you either:

1.  Have the good problem of too many good friends to choose between, and therefore you should not have one.

or

2.  You are using the wrong criteria.

If something awesome happens, terrible happens, or if it was 3 am and you needed to call someone, who would that be?  THAT person is your MOH.  

Keep in mind that your MOH is not a wedding planner, that picking the MOH based on who you assume will help you plan is setting yourself up for disappointment, and that these ladies are friends first, WP a distant second.  If your friend is having problems, help her address them.  Just because you're The Bride doesn't mean you stop being a friend first.

gottahavashorti

1a. Your FI is right, it's okay to have two maids of honor.
1b. The same way you would if they were in state, but probably without going BM dress shopping with them.
2. Ask her if she's a close friend outside of work.

tiffspff

All of my bridesmaids were out of state also.  And one of my coworkers went with me to my dress fitting, and helped me out some.  She came to my bach party.  And she attended the wedding as a guest, and I love her for all that she did, but our friendship is a lot newer than the ones that I had in my bridal party, we weren't even that close when I chose the party.  She wasn't offended, she was thrilled to be included and had a great time.

mbcdefg

1. Pick your dearest friend as MOH, regardless of what you think she may or may not to do help you with the wedding. All any bridesmaid has to do is get the dress and show up to the wedding ... anything they choose to do on top of that is a bonus. You can easily coordinate dress shopping via e-mail, so aside from that there should be no issues with her living out-of-state. A MOH is not required to live close to you and/or be a big help with wedding planning. Again, she should be your closest friend ... that is the sole criteria.

If you can't choose between her and your sister because you're equally close to them, have co-Maids of Honor. If you can't choose between them because you aren't horribly close to either, have all bridesmaids and no MOH. Whoever happens to be standing next to you can hold the bouquet and ring, and you can pick any adult to sign the license.

2. If you consider her a close friend, ask her. If you primarily want to ask because you feel like it'd be a "reward" for all of her help with your wedding, then that is the wrong reason to ask. It would be better to write her a nice note for all of her kindness, and maybe give her a gift (gift card, flowers, wine, take her to dinner or out for drinks). Again, bridesmaids and Maids of Honor are not required to help out with your wedding, so it's not like anyone who's nice enough to help you out needs to be made a bridesmaid.

rox_tar

Thank you for all of your answers. For the most part both issues are basically solved. After feeling coworker out a little bit, I figured out that she's just excited to go with me to do stuff and to be at the wedding. It wasn't that I was thinking of picking her just because she was helping. I was just wondering if it were the other way around. Do others expect to be included in the BP when they are helping. As It turns out she doesn't

With the first issue, I think I'm going to give my BF the benefit of the doubt and name her MOH. Again, it's not that I'm expecting anything more from my BP, other than show up and be a part of the day. But I'd also like to be able to get ahold of my BP as well. That's what I meant about "unreliable". I have to hunt down her sisters to figure out what her newest "new" number is every time I call her. And the fear of her not showing up. That would break my heart.

As for the (no so) off topic: Yes, many of us (her family and other friends and I) have attempted to help on many occaisions. She denies any problems and continues to call herself a "wild horse". Something we used to call ourselves. Says she's just having a good time. It's tough being so far away, because I only see what I see when I'm home once a year and that scares me. What scares me most is that I'm pretty sure it's actually much much worse. She didn't talk to her sisters for more than a month because they tried to stage some sort of intervention. It's just kind of a mess and no one really knows what to do.

But thanks again everyone. I'm sure I'll become as addicted to these boards as I did with babycenter when I was pregnant.

Congrats on your upcoming/recent weddings!