S/O: Ushers

amalama

I've seen in a couple posts that some people seem to think that an usher is not an acceptable role to give someone in your wedding. We have three ushers and I am wondering if anything we are doing would be considered rude to people here.

Our ushers are our BILs (sisters husbands). All 8 of their children will be in the wedding (I realize this is excessive but they are very important to us). Some of the children might need some adult help getting down the aisle, some probably won't. If we decide the kids don't need adults walking with them then the ushers can either be apart of the processional by themselves with the other family, or they can just start out seated in the front if they would prefer.

We are not asking them to buy/rent outfits, they are wearing dress pants and shirts and we may buy them ties to match. They will be at the head table if we have one (also because their wives will be, we aren't seperating couples). They will be in some pictures but this is especially the part that I am worried about. We are doing wedding party pictures before the ceremony, at a seperate location, then meeting the family at the church for more pictures, then the ceremony. We were not planning on them coming with us to get pictures because we don't want the kids to have to sit through all of those pictures.

Would you consider this a crap job or be offended if this was your role in a wedding?

AddieCake

It's not so much that it's not acceptable as that it isn't really necessary and isn't really an "honor" like being a groomsman is, so if you you are just looking to "give someone a special place," usher is not the way to do it. 

We had my 17-year-old cousin as an usher even though we didn't really need one. We were going to need one at our original venue and then we switched, and I didn't want to unask him, but I'm sure he only agreed to be nice. I'm sure it was the last thing he really wanted to do. But he is also a teenager. Since your ushers have kids in the wedding, they may be happy to do it. 

Simply Fated

I think of it as a runner-up position. Like, they're not good enough to be a groomsman, so you're making them an usher. Or the sides need to be even, so they're made ushers, instead.


To be fair, my friend used groomsmen as ushers, just to make sure guests weren't taking seats far back in the huge church. Also, she didn't want groom's side on one side and the bride's side on the other side. It worked out relaly well and that's what I like to encourage other brides to consider, if it works for them.

These parts concern me....
"All 8 of their children will be in the wedding"
"We were not planning on them coming with us to get pictures because we don't want the kids to have to sit through all of those pictures."
You invited them to be a part of your wedding party, ushers included, and you're excluding all of them from a wedding party event. That's something to reconsider.

amalama

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_so-ushers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:d7408dea-e9e6-409b-b6a6-eae155e8c406Post:9b5c9573-439a-4fd3-9df5-a8550fbb2d45">Re: S/O: Ushers</a>:
[QUOTE]It's not so much that it's not acceptable as that it isn't really necessary and isn't really an "honor" like being a groomsman is, so if you you are just looking to "give someone a special place," usher is not the way to do it.
Posted by AddieL73[/QUOTE]

<div>I guess that is a little what we are doing. And honestly I never really considered just not having ushers because every wedding I have been to has them. So it just seemed to make sense for us. I don't really know how we would fix it now though and I don't think any of them are offended so I guess I will just let it go.</div>

amalama

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_so-ushers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:d7408dea-e9e6-409b-b6a6-eae155e8c406Post:3d905506-ff51-4ce7-b368-18afff61de4b">Re: S/O: Ushers</a>:
[QUOTE]I think of it as a runner-up position. Like, they're not good enough to be a groomsman, so you're making them an usher. Or the sides need to be even, so they're made ushers, instead. To be fair, my friend used groomsmen as ushers, just to make sure guests weren't taking seats far back in the huge church. Also, she didn't want groom's side on one side and the bride's side on the other side. It worked out relaly well and that's what I like to encourage other brides to consider, if it works for them. These parts concern me.... "All 8 of their children will be in the wedding" "We were not planning on them coming with us to get pictures because we don't want the kids to have to sit through all of those pictures." You invited them to be a part of your wedding party, ushers included, and you're excluding all of them from a wedding party event. That's something to reconsider.
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

<div>Our sides are already uneven, so that is definitely not the reason. We are close to them, and wanted them involved, and it just seemed to make sense with the kids. And not including the kids in all the pictures has been discussed with everyone, I get what you're saying but we are talkign about 8 kids ages 1-6 for 2-3 hours of pictures. It's just not going to happen and not something they would even be involved in. And the ushers would be welcome to come with us, it's just then a problem of what to do with the kids during that time. I get why that doesn't work well but I don't really know a way around it at this point. I'm open to suggestions if anyone thinks there's a better way to do this at this point.</div>

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_so-ushers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:d7408dea-e9e6-409b-b6a6-eae155e8c406Post:25f0a54b-0254-4263-85ae-638b187014e4">Re: S/O: Ushers</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: S/O: Ushers : Our sides are already uneven, so that is definitely not the reason. We are close to them, and wanted them involved, and it just seemed to make sense with the kids. And not including the kids in all the pictures has been discussed with everyone, I get what you're saying but we are talkign about 8 kids ages 1-6 for 2-3 hours of pictures. It's just not going to happen and not something they would even be involved in. And the ushers would be welcome to come with us, it's just then a problem of what to do with the kids during that time. I get why that doesn't work well but I don't really know a way around it at this point. I'm open to suggestions if anyone thinks there's a better way to do this at this point.
Posted by amalama[/QUOTE]

"8 kids ages 1-6 for 2-3 hours of pictures" doesn't impress me. I've spent a large chunk of my life working with kids. If I can do it for 2-3 hours, their parents sure as heck <em>should</em> be able to, even if they have to be occasionally posing, too. It's not like they'll be up there posing the entire time. You take different picture with different groups of people.

Are the FBIL's wives in the bridal party? If not, they can help to watch the kids. Or if they are in the bridal party, they can tag team and both watch the kids.
What about hiring someone for a couple of hours to come with you and help look after the kids?

All I'm saying is that it's kinda weird. It's like you're telling them, "we'd like you to take pictures with us, but your kids will get in the way." I'm all for not inviting kids, but you already invited them. And not only did you invite them to your wedding, you invited them to be <em>in</em> the wedding. If the parents are cool with missing the pictures and everything, then that's fine. But I feel like you should give them the option to attend the picture taking (which you did) and see if <em>they</em> have any ideas of what they can do with their kids.

amalama

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_so-ushers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:d7408dea-e9e6-409b-b6a6-eae155e8c406Post:588963b1-9abb-473d-a6cf-10d57a6f1b64">Re: S/O: Ushers</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: S/O: Ushers : "8 kids ages 1-6 for 2-3 hours of pictures" doesn't impress me. I've spent a large chunk of my life working with kids. If I can do it for 2-3 hours, their parents sure as heck should be able to, even if they have to be occasionally posing, too. It's not like they'll be up there posing the entire time. You take different picture with different groups of people. Are the FBIL's wives in the bridal party? If not, they can help to watch the kids. Or if they are in the bridal party, they can tag team and both watch the kids. What about hiring someone for a couple of hours to come with you and help look after the kids? All I'm saying is that it's kinda weird. It's like you're telling them, "we'd like you to take pictures with us, but your kids will get in the way." I'm all for not inviting kids, but you already invited them. And not only did you invite them to your wedding, you invited them to be in the wedding. If the parents are cool with missing the pictures and everything, then that's fine. But I feel like you should give them the option to attend the picture taking (which you did) and see if they have any ideas of what they can do with their kids.
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

<div>Okay maybe I'm not explaining some of this very well. The wives are my sisters and his sister. So the kids are our nieces and nephews and our daughter. Their will be some wedding party pictures at the church (these will be the ones that include the kids and ushers). The sisters know that the husbands are welcome to come around to pictures with us but that I didn't figure the kids would come. When we talked about it I never said the kids weren't invited, I pretty much just assumed that no one would want to bring the kids and they seemed to agree with that but maybe that was wrong. It's not about not being able to watch them, it's about them being bored and having to get ready earlier and then not get their nice clothes dirty and everything. If they want to figure out some other arrangment for the kids then that would be fine, but the other arrangement would probably be asking my parents to watch them, and I don't want them stuck with 6 kids (the other two are on FIs side) while they are trying to get themselves ready and everything (and they have already said they feel the same way). My daugther isn't coming to all of the pictures either and we are hiring someone, but it is not in our budget to hire more babysitters for all of the kids. I can mention that idea to them though if they want to figure that out themselves.</div>

Simply Fated

omigosh, I definitely wouldn't suggest asking your mom or who ever to watch the kids. That's not fair to them. That's why I suggested hiring someone. But if it's not in your budget, it's not. NBD.
Basically, I just think you should try to include the ushers and the kids as much as possible and give them the option of attending the wedding party pictures. If they want to come and they have kids, surely they would know what to do with them. And hopefully asking other family members to watch them isn't it.

amalama

Stage: The kids coming to take the rest of the pictures is definitely not on option, I agree with you there. I was more worried about being rude or offending my BILs (the ushers). But I am just going to make sure they understand that if they want to work something else out for the kids then they are welcome to come, but I'm not going to try to figure something out for everyone.