Question about an issue with a groomsmen

californiadreamin07

Ok, so my apologies if this comes out kind of long and sort of complicated, but I want to make sure I put in all the details and leave nothing out.

So, my FI and I had figured out the pairings we wanted to do, and we decided to put John and Sally (names changed) together, because we thought they'd get along, though with no matchmaking intentions at all.  

Anyway, we went out to dinner one night, with John and FI's brother and FSIL (his brother is getting married shortly after us), and I told John, in passing, that we had paired him with my friend Sally.

The next day, John sends me a message on Facebook asking if I minded introducing him to Sally via FB, just so that it wasn't a totally blind meeting the day of the wedding.  I thought it seemed like a little bit of an odd request, but it seemed pretty harmless to me at the time, so I asked Sally if she was ok with it, and then connected them via FB.

About 2 days later, John sends messages to my FI and me, asking if we're ok with him pursuing Sally romantically.  I called Sally to check and see if she was interested in him, and she said she wasn't, so I responded and told him that, while it was great if he wanted to be friends, she was not interested in a relationship, and so anything romantic was out of the question.

This is where I realized I had been an idiot.  John was on the rebound from a really nasty breakup, and started sending her messages CONSTANTLY.  The messages would say things like, "I looked through your pictures, and I think you're very beautiful", or she would upload a new picture, and he would immediately make a comment about how beautiful he thought she was.  Sally, understandably, was rather freaked out about this, and asked if my FI and I could intervene, and also if it was ok with us for her to just ignore him.  We told her that was totally fine, and apologized profusely for this totally creepy behavior.  My FI tried to intervene, but then John started dating someone (not Sally).  

Since then, he has backed off a lot, and the last message he sent her was a simple "Happy Birthday", with nothing else.  We have invited his new gf in the hopes that he won't be creepy at the wedding, and to hopefully give Sally the opportunity to enjoy the wedding without worrying.

So my question is this: if he asks why we changed the pairings (we did immediately after this all happened without saying anything per Sally's request, and then had to change it again, due to one of the GM having his leave cancelled by the Navy), is there a good way to say it?  My thought was to stick to the whole Navy leave cancellation thing, and then not worry about it, but he's paired with a different BM (who's married), so just in case he asks why he was switched, I'm trying to think of something to say.  Any advice?

Licia&Wayne

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_question-issue-groomsmen?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:d848096e-6169-4f41-88b6-1be012cdf8b5Post:3d4f8bad-bc3d-43d5-bbe5-57ff70917ac5">Question about an issue with a groomsmen</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok, so my apologies if this comes out kind of long and sort of complicated, but I want to make sure I put in all the details and leave nothing out. So, my FI and I had figured out the pairings we wanted to do, and we decided to put John and Sally (names changed) together, because we thought they'd get along, though with no matchmaking intentions at all.   Anyway, we went out to dinner one night, with John and FI's brother and FSIL (his brother is getting married shortly after us), and I told John, in passing, that we had paired him with my friend Sally. The next day, John sends me a message on Facebook asking if I minded introducing him to Sally via FB, just so that it wasn't a totally blind meeting the day of the wedding.  I thought it seemed like a little bit of an odd request, but it seemed pretty harmless to me at the time, so I asked Sally if she was ok with it, and then connected them via FB. About 2 days later, John sends messages to my FI and me, asking if we're ok with him pursuing Sally romantically.  I called Sally to check and see if she was interested in him, and she said she wasn't, so I responded and told him that, while it was great if he wanted to be friends, she was not interested in a relationship, and so anything romantic was out of the question. This is where I realized I had been an idiot.  John was on the rebound from a really nasty breakup, and started sending her messages CONSTANTLY.  The messages would say things like, "I looked through your pictures, and I think you're very beautiful", or she would upload a new picture, and he would immediately make a comment about how beautiful he thought she was.  Sally, understandably, was rather freaked out about this, and asked if my FI and I could intervene, and also if it was ok with us for her to just ignore him.  We told her that was totally fine, and apologized profusely for this totally creepy behavior.  My FI tried to intervene, but then John started dating someone (not Sally).   Since then, he has backed off a lot, and the last message he sent her was a simple "Happy Birthday", with nothing else.  We have invited his new gf in the hopes that he won't be creepy at the wedding, and to hopefully give Sally the opportunity to enjoy the wedding without worrying. So my question is this: if he asks why we changed the pairings (we did immediately after this all happened without saying anything per Sally's request, and then had to change it again, due to one of the GM having his leave cancelled by the Navy), is there a good way to say it?  My thought was to stick to the whole Navy leave cancellation thing, and then not worry about it, but he's paired with a different BM (who's married), so just in case he asks why he was switched, I'm trying to think of something to say.  Any advice?
Posted by californiadreamin07[/QUOTE]

I have to say, I think I would just play dumb on this. Do you really think he'd take the time to ask you why he's not walking with Sally? I would hope he feels as weird about the situation as he acted.

Whatever excuse you give, it doesn't matter. Even if it's just as pithy as, "Oh we like the look of this pair better." I doubt he's going to grill you about it.

I would stay out of this one totally from here on out. Hopefully it's all blown over and Mr. McCreepypants can focus on his new girlfriend.

Simply Fated

You don't have to say anything. Don't think of them as "pairs" or "couples' but as people. You don't even have to decide until the day of the wedding. In fact, don't decide until the day of your wedding. Keep your mouth shut and let what ever happens, happens.
All they are doing is walking down an aisle at the same time whiel standing near each other. They don't have to be best friends. They don't even have to know each other. The whole walk shouldn't take more than 30 seconds. Before that and after that there is no reason why they should ever have to communicate if they don't want to.

If you want, let them walk down based on height. Or age. Or by the first letter of their last name.

But this isn't something you need to stress out about or worry about. These are the people closest to you, so you don't want there to be anymore drama, right? So let it go and let what ever happens, happens.

gottahavashorti

Tell him it wasn't set in stone before, or that you thought it would be less awkward for his new gf since it sounded like he had a thing for Sally prior to dating her.

mbcdefg

I don't get why you were making such a big deal out of the "pairings" in the first place.

All they have to do is walk down/up an aisle together for 30 seconds ... I don't get why they would have to have common interests or anything like that.

What else did you plan on having them do together? Bridal party dance, I'm guessing? If so, please skip that - it's awkward to participate in and boring to watch. Other than that, I can't even begin to think of why they'd need to get along particularly well ... we had my sister with DH's best friend, and my brother with my best friend, and while they all got along and were friendly, we never for two seconds stopped to think, "Gee, I wonder what Bobby and Nicole have in common"?

californiadreamin07

The pairing for personality was FI's idea, and since he hasn't been able to be involved much (he's active duty and on the other side of the country), I just sort of went along with it.  For me, it was more about height and size (John is a bigger and taller guy, and Sally, while in no way huge, was not like the rest of my BMs, who are all about 5'4").

Anyway, thanks for the advice!  My FI brought this up the other night, and so I figured I'd get some advice from all you lovely people!

Oh, and gottahavashorti- your cat looks exactly like my old cat, who passed away a few years ago!

526SadieSadie

Yikes.  John sounds like a level-four creeper.  I hope Sally isn't upset with you for giving him her information, you couldn't have known he'd do that!!!
Maybe your FH could intervene here and, as a friend, tell him to back off.  I don't think there's a problem with telling him that he creeped her out if he asks why he's not paired with her.  He should know that women don't like men that come on that strongly.  But then again, he'd probably follow her around all night trying to apologize and fill her FB wall up with "I'm sorry"'s for the next six months.

I sympathize with you, though.  There's going to be a great big, awkward turtle in the room at my friend's wedding. 
She and her FH introduced her best friend/MOH to his best friend/BM.  She was single, he's married.  The four of them just hung out casually a few times (the BM's wife was always invited to go but for one reason or another, she passed).  WELL.  The MOH and the BM ended up hooking up a couple of times and he actually considered leaving his wife. 
As far as I know, his wife doesn't have any idea what happened.  Now, the MOH is in a relationship with this other guy and the BM is still kinda hot for her.  I've been around the BM and the MOH/her new guy....it's awkward.  It's only going to her worse when the BM's wife is around at the reception.....YIKES.