Bridesmaid/MOH blues

GCheeks

Yep, I'm a newbie. Just got engaged on Dec 15th - Now that the holidays are over, I can actually sit and start planning for my wedding.

Here's the first road block I've run into:
I started thinking about who I would have as bridesmaids/MOH and I realized that I do not have any female friends that I've kept in contact with or been close with over the years. I have friends, but they're all out of state (moved from NY to TX two years ago). And I have to-be sister-in-laws, but one is already married and preggers, the other is single, but we're not very close.
Then, since I've only been in TX for a couple of years, I barely know any women here, nevermind know someone enough to ask them to take up a bridesmaid position for the wedding.

Being asked to be a bridesmaid is a big deal, isn't it? Not only that, but it comes with expectations (help planning, buying a dress, being in the wedding, etc).

I don't know. Maybe I am just being retarded, but I don't know if it would be too much to ask some of my old friends to be in the wedding - which would require them to fly down to TX for the bachelorette party and wedding. Oh, and what about the wedding shower???? Ugh, I am so down on myself now.

I've considered keeping things "simple" and not having a wedding party... but my FI is adamant about having a best man and three groomsmen. I have to figure out something...

Any feedback would be great... Thanks ladies!

- the "blue" bride

SarahPLiz

CS has it right. Your BMs shoudl be your closest friends, whether male or female, no matter where they live. Mine live in Louisiana and California. I'm not having a shower unless my friends here throw one , and then there would only be about 8 guests.. No big deal.

BTW, I'm in Austin. If all else fails, I'll be your BM

SarahPLiz

Oh, and uneven sides are ok. If your out of state friends are planning on coming ot your wedding, then there is nothing extra they need to do to be bridesmaids but wear something nice and stand up with you. The fewer expectations you have, the less you will be disappointed.

GCheeks

Duly noted. I guess I am going to have to adjust what I see as a bridesmaid/MOH... lol It's unfortunate, but it is what it is.

SarahPliz - Thanks for the offer, lol that was so sweet! I'll have to keep you in mind! :-P Who knows, right?

thanks again!

SarahPLiz

We all understand that its nice to have friends to bounce ideas off of and help plan, so that's why we are here. Everyone here has weddings on the brain. Even if you had in-town BMs, they may not be into planning. So stick around, and check out the Austin local board for more local brides. There are lots of good recommendations on there.

stina93446

Everyone already said it....ask your friends. They are your nearest and dearest right? Don't ask people if they aren't close to you.

And no one has to do planning duties with you. The only requirement of a bm is to buy the dress and show up. If they offer to help, cool. But you can't demand...just a heads up. And like pp said, showers and b parties are also optional. Ask your fi to help plan or hire a wedding planner if you need more help. HTH

LarissaAnn

First, if you don't want a wedding party you don't have to have anyone on your side, even if your FI has guys oh his side.

BUT, secondly, you can absolutely ask your closer out-of-state friends to be bridesmaids.  They will do as much as they humanly can commit to.  If that means just buying dresses & showing up in time for the wedding, that's OK.  If they want to and *can* throw a shower and/or bachelorette party, then that's great.  Just don't be terribly disappointed if they can't do a shower and/or bach party for you.  Not everyone gets those, and sometimes they're thrown by non-bridesmaids who're just other good friends or family members.  Just don't *require* them to do these things, and hopefully they want to and can do so.

Some people with all local BMs don't get the pre-wedding parties because no one chooses to do it.  Meanwhile, I was a local MOH for my sis, and we threw a shower and bach party for her - another BM was local, one an hour away, and one out in Azerbaijan.  The one in Azerbaijan actually helped us plan via email because she wanted to be involved, and even paid her proportional share of the shower!  But she couldn't attend either event, and just came back in time for the wedding rehearsal the night before the wedding.  So it really runs the gamut when it comes to what your bridal party can/will do for you.

By the way, you also keep saying you don't have any "women" you're close to who live nearby... does that mean you don't have anyone, or are there good guy friends around?  There's no reason you can't have guys on your side of the wedding party too.

LarissaAnn

Oh, by the way, don't ask people who aren't already close to you (emotionally, not physically).  Being your bridesmaid won't make your relationship better and can just muck things up more on occasion due to expectations.  We've seen it here too many times.  Learn from the mistakes of others!

emilyinchile

I live in Chile and am from CA. Do you think that I'm getting a bachelorette party, bridal shower or any help with planning? No. Is there a part of me that misses that? Yes, but I also miss seeing my friends in general, not just because it's wedding-related. Having friends spread over the globe these days is pretty normal.

Pick your friends based on who you want up there with you.
If they can't afford to buy the dress and travel to TX, they can decline your offer, but since that's all they're expected to do, hopefully they'll be able to make it work.

Get your FI to plan with you, or hire a wedding planner if you really need help. Accept that you might not get all the traditional pre-wedding parties. And PPs are right about uneven and mixed gender sides being fine.

saisongbird

To add one more thought - WAIT until at least the year mark, closer to the 10 month mark if you can, before choosing bridesmaids.  Too many girls choose their maids way too early and end up regretting the decisions.  And no, you can't UNASK a bridesmaid.  Once you ask, she's in unless she does something like sleep with your FI.

stina93446

I should add that my bms lived in San Francisco, Denver, Seattle, and LA. I live in NYC. Their physical location did not stop me from asking them.

jeannigirl

Congrads on your engagement. Planning a wedding is fun and exciting. I echo all the advice given here. I would encourage you to wait on asking anyone. You may gain some new friendships or your old ones may be rekindled. Give it some time in the asking anyone to be MOH?BM. You don't have to have anyone just because your FI is. Its ok to not have even sides.

 Just get together with your FI and discuss how you want your wedding to be like and figure out your budget etc. Its your day and its for you and FI to plan. Some guys are not big planners and into all the details. My man isn't, but he has voiced what he perfers and what he doesn't.

Luck I have a MOH/BM and this board that I bounce wedding stuff off. People can get tired real fast with alot of wedding talk. I would caution you to keep it all on the down low for now to friends and family and such. Come here and talk with us we will be more than happy to hear and help. We're all wedding obsessed here LOL.

Have fun planning and looking here to hear what you got in your head.

GCheeks

Wow, thank you so much!

After reading everything, I kind of feel silly - I am having a "duh, should've known that..." moment. I guess the source of my frustration was my bias view of "the way a wedding should be..." based on the traditions I knew of from being in/ going to other weddings.

It really doesn't matter (I guess) that my friends are in other states... my struggle was more that I will probably ask some that I haven't seen since I moved and it's a lot to ask, to not only come to the wedding, but to get a dress, etc.

I'll get over it. If they don't want to be in the wedding, then whatever. I have other things to think about. I'll just send them an invitation later on incase they still want to come. But thank you for the suggestion to wait a little while to ask the BM's to be in the wedding party. I don't want the drama later on if something changes!

Other than that, after overwhelming myself the other night I decided that I want to keep things as simple as possible - in terms of planning. Everything that I read basically says that people only remember the food, the dancing and the crazy relatives... They don't remember the crazy flower arrangements, the party favors or the decorations. So I will focus more on the important things and save time/money with the other lesser details. Less stress = a better time!

I look forward to bouncing ideas off everyone and learning from the experienced brides... And hopefully, I won't have another "blue bride" episode... sorry ladies! haha I definitely appreciate all the feedback though!

mags0607

You seem like you got some good advice, and that you have decided to take it. You have a good attitude about everything, and you are absolutely right about focusing on the big things and letting the little things work themselves out. You always have all of the other brides on TK to bounce ideas off of and act as a sounding board. You might not always get sunshine and rainbows around here, but we all have been (or still are in) your shoes and we know how intimidating planning a wedding can be. The thing is to filter through the "commercial idea of what a wedding should be" and get to what really matters.

Ask your friends. If they are able to travel to your wedding, then I am sure they will be honored.

Good luck!