Roles of the Maid of Honor

lisanowacki

What would you say are the roles of the MOH? Can anyone suggest some things that they put their MOH in charge of? Not sure if my MOH understands her importance! Thanks!!

emilyinchile

- Buy the dress (you as the bride have the duty of checking with all your BMs to make sure the dress is in their budgets)
- Show up
- Sign the marriage license is a traditional one, although anyone can do this
- Hold your bouquet during the ceremony is another tradition, although this can be any BM

That's it. If you're looking for a list of things like "coordinate my bachelorette party" or "help me with favors," you won't find that here. Pre-wedding parties are a gift people may (or may not) choose to give you, and all planning and errand running should be done by you and FI. If it's too much for the two of you, hire a wedding planner - don't make your friends into slaves.

lisanowacki

Definitely would never make a friend or family member, a slave.  That is not what I meant but thank you for your suggestions.

mbcdefg

The MOH isn't in charge of anything in particular. Her only "requirements" are to get the dress and come to the wedding (and the rehearsal if she is available, but even that is not mandatory).

The "importance" of the MOH is that she should be your closest friend. Her importance does not lie in tasks and duties and assignments. It's great if she wants to help out, but let HER come to YOU. Assigning duties (even in the nicest of intentions) can often backfire on the bride. Wait for them to ask if they can help, and then say something like, "I could use some help with XYZ. Would you be interested in that?"

If you feel like you need some help, and they haven't specifically offered, it's fine to politely ask for it. Just remember that the only person required to help you is your FI, because you guys are the ones who decided to get married. It's wonderful if others are willing to help you, but coming from them it's a favor. Not their obligation. A good way to show appreciation for their help and to prevent wedding burnout or making it feel like a chore might be to treat them to something or combine a task with a non-wedding activity ... example, order some pizza or open some wine if they come over to help stuff invitations. Or treat them to lunch or drinks if they go dress shopping with you.

The MOH is often the one who might throw a shower or bachelorette, but that's usually because she is your dearest friend. And she (hopefully) doesn't do it because she feels she has to ... the MOH is often the one to do it because it's only natural that your dearest friend would be the one who would want to coordinate these things for you. Showers and bachelorettes are not owed to you, they are gifts that MAY be thrown for you. And even then, the MOH need not be in charge ... sometimes it's one of the mothers, an aunt, a sister or a friend. Anyone can step up and volunteer. It's incredibly rude for the bride to ask for these things or assign someone to organize them (but it's fine to provide a guest list and some suitable dates if they ask you for one, and it's also fine to give input on what kind of party/a location if they ask you what you'd like).

emilyinchile

OP, apparently I misunderstood. What kind of things are you looking for? You post makes it sound like you're looking for a checklist of to-do's that she should manage for you.

lisanowacki

Thank you for your feedback! I probably should have re-worded by initial post. I love the whole planning process so I don't mind doing EVERYTHING! But I guess this is what the problem is... My MOH is my cousin, as I do not have a sister. Not to mention, I wouldn't have it any other way bc she is also my best friend! :=) However, it started off a little shaky bc she didn't show much excitement when I got engaged. She loves my FI but she is going through her own BF issues and has basically told me that she is having a hard time "caring" for pretty much anything but what she is going through. Although I do understand that she is going through her own things right now, and I certainly do know that the world does not stop for me, as a future bride, I feel that I do have high expectations of her bc of our close knit relationship. so perhaps I'm not getting the "emotional" part from my MOH...someone who I thought would be so excited for me. Not sure if that made any sense. I just feel like the my MOH...would be super happy and exited with me...bc that is how our relationship has always been.

lisanowacki

Emily--yes it certainly does...and I guess my frustration took over my writing...please read my last post... I think I clarified the way I was feeling.

mbcdefg

I think you need to separate "being excited for planning my wedding" from "being supportive of my marriage and of me." Because the two are VERY different.

Not every woman enjoys wedding/party planning. Even for the ones that do enjoy planning parties, it's quite different when it's someone else's. It's one thing to pick out your own food, decorations, colors, attire, etc., because you can pick out exactly what you want. And if you're co-hosting a party with someone, you can compromise and you can each get something you want. But it's not as exciting when you have to listen to someone else's ideas, and you're pretty much roped into agreeing with her whether you like her ideas or not. Because you really can't shoot down someone else's wedding ideas (unless they're just terrible or will offend people) without looking like a jerk.

Also, realize that wedding planning must not be fun for someone who may have broken up with a boyfriend or gotten divorced or who doesn't have a significant other. Even if you don't intend it this way, she might feel like it's constantly being rubbed in her face that you're in a happy relationship and she is not. Or that your significant other is willing to commit, and hers is not. Or that you might have the cash for a nice wedding, and she does not. Think about it ... when you are upset about a particular thing, don't you notice it more often around you just because you're thinking about it? (Like if your car breaks down, it suddenly seems like everyone around you is driving a brand new BMW? Or if your dog dies, there are suddenly a million Pedigree commercials on TV?)

You can't control what other people do or say. You can only control how YOU react to them. So you cannot control how enthusiastic your MOH may be about the planning. But if she's kind to you and your FI, and if she is supportive of your marriage (because the marriage is the important thing here, not the wedding), then that's all you can really ask for. Spend time with her as her friend, try not to bring up the wedding, and hopefully she will cheer up.

emilyinchile

Ok, now I understand. It sounds like your MOH isn't going to be the person who squeals in excitement with you over having chosen flowers. In my experience, there WILL be those girls, even if they're not BMs or super close friends, just because some girls are more into that stuff. If you can accept getting that kind of excitement elsewhere, I think it'll save you drama with your MOH, and hopefully once she gets her own relationship stuff worked out she'll be able to be a little more outwardly excited for you.

Just make sure she knows you asked her to be your MOH because you really love her and consider her your best friend and only expect that same friendship from her, not any kind of "MOH tasks."

gottahavashorti

It doesn't sound like she's going to be the excited and extremely involved type, which is perfectly fine.  Some people are just not into weddings or don't have major outward reactions about engagements.  If your wedding is still far away, she also may get more excited when the wedding is close.

Duties you can give her beyond the other BM's duties (showing up clean and sober in the dress and walking down the aisle) are signing the marriage license, holding the bouquet and maybe straightening your train once you get down the aisle.  Beyond that, please don't assign her any planning or wedding day duties.