Do I or don't I and sort of a rant/vent

JVManning86

Ok well a friend of mine originally asked me to be her MOH. I was all for it even though I am getting married too. My wedding is small and simple where her's is big. Her and FI can't decide on anything though so I told her to let me know and I'd help where I could. They've changed themes and colors 5 times in 2 months and looks like it might happen again. Her FI even had to step up and back up the bridesmaids and I when she picked a dress for us to wear that was WAY to revealing and VERY inappropriate for a couple bridesmaid. Let alone her 2 junior bridesmaids. The only thing they agree on is the venue. Well she went to turn in the deposit and someone had come in 2 hours earlier and booked her date. So she moved her date and unfortunately it fell within a timeline given for my FI's homecoming from overseas. I'm not missing that. So I told her that if that was the date, that I was going to have to step down as her MOH. So after I do that, she goes and changes her date again to 2 weeks after mine. Now she's asked me to be a bridesmaid instead of MOH and I accepted since she had already asked a bridesmaid to step up to MOH. She's already sent out her invitations now and didn't send one to me. I know the date and venue however not the time. Her MOH is also suppose to be throwing her a BACH party even though it's her 3rd wedding, first with an actual ceremony though. And we got to talking about caterers the other day and it just seemed like all she wanted to do was rub in my face about how expensive her wedding is going to be. She is expecting 160 guests where I'm only expecting 40. Her FI's dad is paying for hers where as my FI and I are paying for ours since it's both our second wedding. I'm seriously feeling like it's all a competition to her now. She's suppose to be a bridesmaid in my wedding, however I'm getting ready to pull out of her's and ask that she not be a part of mine. She hasn't gotten in contact with my MOH and other bridesmaid to try to decide on a dress and it has just gotten to the point that I've had enough. She asks for input, I give it. My MOH and I ask for input and she turns it around to her wedding and doesn't give a direct response.
My question is, she asked me to be a bridesmaid yet didn't send an invite, nor has she asked for my dress size bc our gift from her is our dresses, so do I even still plan on going? And if she's not gonna give any input to my MOH, she's asked for her dress size 5 times to try to find a dress to appropriately fit all of them, with no response, should I just forget about asking her to be a bridesmaid?

AddieCake

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_do-i-or-dont-i-and-sort-of-a-rantvent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:db98ccc9-9983-4dbb-ae94-4e0e058107e9Post:832591f5-f339-4c9e-9a65-55d9656b9b57">Do I or don't I and sort of a rant/vent</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok well a friend of mine originally asked me to be her MOH. I was all for it even though I am getting married too. My wedding is small and simple where her's is big. Her and FI can't decide on anything though so I told her to let me know and I'd help where I could. They've changed themes and colors 5 times in 2 months and looks like it might happen again. Her FI even had to step up and back up the bridesmaids and I when she picked a dress for us to wear that was WAY to revealing and VERY inappropriate for a couple bridesmaid. Let alone her 2 junior bridesmaids. The only thing they agree on is the venue. Well she went to turn in the deposit and someone had come in 2 hours earlier and booked her date. So she moved her date and unfortunately it fell within a timeline given for my FI's homecoming from overseas. I'm not missing that. So I told her that if that was the date, that I was going to have to step down as her MOH. So after I do that, she goes and changes her date again to 2 weeks after mine.<strong> Now she's asked me to be a bridesmaid instead of MOH and I accepted since she had already asked a bridesmaid to step up to MOH</strong>. <strong>She's already sent out her invitations now and didn't send one to me.</strong> I know the date and venue however not the time.<strong> Her MOH is also suppose to be throwing her a BACH party </strong>even though it's her 3rd wedding, first with an actual ceremony though. And we got to talking about caterers the other day and it just seemed like all she wanted to do was rub in my face about how expensive her wedding is going to be. She is expecting 160 guests where I'm only expecting 40. Her FI's dad is paying for hers where as my FI and I are paying for ours since it's both our second wedding. I'm seriously feeling like it's all a competition to her now. <strong>She's suppose to be a bridesmaid in my wedding, however I'm getting ready to pull out of her's and ask that she not be a part of mine.</strong> She hasn't gotten in contact with my MOH and other bridesmaid to try to decide on a dress and it has just gotten to the point that I've had enough. She asks for input, I give it. My MOH and I ask for input and she turns it around to her wedding and doesn't give a direct response. My question is, she asked me to be a bridesmaid yet didn't send an invite, <strong>nor has she asked for my dress size bc our gift from her is our dresses, so do I even still plan on going? </strong>And if she's not gonna give any input to my MOH, she's asked for her dress size 5 times to try to find a dress to appropriately fit all of them, with no response,<strong> should I just forget about asking her to be a bridesmaid?</strong>
Posted by JVManning86[/QUOTE]

<div>1. She was rude to ask someone else to "step up to MOH" and to demote you to MOH, but it sounds like she would have too many expectations of the MOH anyway, so you probably are coming out ahead on that. </div><div>
</div><div>2.Invitations to what? Surely not the wedding b/c it says you are getting married in September. Invitations to be bridesmaids?</div><div>
</div><div>3. Way too early for any bachelorette party planning unless it's a destination party.</div><div>
</div><div>4. If you kick her out, you will be running the risk of ending your friendship with her completely. Is that what you want?</div><div>
</div><div>5. Her paying for the dresses is nice, but it's not a gift. Are you sure you're in this wedding?  She didn't send you the bridesmaid invitation and isn't asking for your dress size, so I would tend to think maybe you're not in it. It's weird, though, that she would go to all the date-changing trouble for you.</div><div>
</div><div>6. Have you actually ASKED her to be a bridesmaid yet? It sounds like you have b/c of your comment that she isn't getting in contact with your MOH about dresses If so, refer to point 4. If not, I probably wouldn't. It doesn't sound like you two are really all that close and it sounds like you both are too busy with your own weddings. </div>

JVManning86

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_do-i-or-dont-i-and-sort-of-a-rantvent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:db98ccc9-9983-4dbb-ae94-4e0e058107e9Post:bfe4ddec-0962-4929-9229-f1fd03b399d3">Re: Do I or don't I and sort of a rant/vent</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Do I or don't I and sort of a rant/vent : 1. She was rude to ask someone else to "step up to MOH" and to demote you to MOH, but it sounds like she would have too many expectations of the MOH anyway, so you probably are coming out ahead on that.  2.Invitations to what? Surely not the wedding b/c it says you are getting married in September. Invitations to be bridesmaids? 3. Way too early for any bachelorette party planning unless it's a destination party. 4. If you kick her out, you will be running the risk of ending your friendship with her completely. Is that what you want? 5. Her paying for the dresses is nice, but it's not a gift. Are you sure you're in this wedding?  She didn't send you the bridesmaid invitation and isn't asking for your dress size, so I would tend to think maybe you're not in it. It's weird, though, that she would go to all the date-changing trouble for you. 6. Have you actually ASKED her to be a bridesmaid yet? It sounds like you have b/c of your comment that she isn't getting in contact with your MOH about dresses If so, refer to point 4. If not, I probably wouldn't. It doesn't sound like you two are really all that close and it sounds like you both are too busy with your own weddings. 
Posted by AddieL73[/QUOTE]

I agree that I think I'm coming out on ahead. I feel that she mainly asked me to be MOH bc our families are very close and we were brought up together. Plus I'm a 5 hr drive away from her where as her now MOH is on the other side of the country.

And no it was her wedding invitations. I only know this bc a friend tagged her in a picture of it on facebook saying "see what I got in the mail today" and that was last month. Granted most of her family is in California as mine and I'm sending mine out on the 1st. Our weddings are sort of destination weddings bc our families are having to come to us.

She told me she didn't know what to get as gifts for bridal parties so a friend suggested she buy our dresses. And changing the date the first time was bc someone put in the deposit before her for the original date, second time was to move out of the 10 days my FI was given for possible coming home from deployment. My FI and I have a daughter together that he had to live 19 days after she was born so I'm not gonna deny him the right of seeing her once he steps off that plane.

Yes I have asked her to be a bridesmaid in my wedding. And she knows my MOH from back in the day. There's no bad feelings toward one another, they just lost contact.

My wedding is small (30 to 50 guests) and simple and pretty much planned. everything is just put on a timeline to buy things/make payments towards. Bridesmaid dresses, suits for guys n my dress are all thats left to decide.

GoodLuckBear14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_do-i-or-dont-i-and-sort-of-a-rantvent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:db98ccc9-9983-4dbb-ae94-4e0e058107e9Post:832591f5-f339-4c9e-9a65-55d9656b9b57">Do I or don't I and sort of a rant/vent</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok well a friend of mine originally asked me to be her MOH. I was all for it even though I am getting married too. My wedding is small and simple where her's is big. Her and FI can't decide on anything though so I told her to let me know and I'd help where I could.
 
They've changed themes and colors 5 times in 2 months and looks like it might happen again. Her FI even had to step up and back up the bridesmaids and I when she picked a dress for us to wear that was WAY to revealing and VERY inappropriate for a couple bridesmaid. Let alone her 2 junior bridesmaids.

The only thing they agree on is the venue. Well she went to turn in the deposit and someone had come in 2 hours earlier and booked her date. So she moved her date and unfortunately it fell within a timeline given for my FI's homecoming from overseas. I'm not missing that. So I told her that if that was the date, that I was going to have to step down as her MOH.

So after I do that, she goes and changes her date again to 2 weeks after mine. Now she's asked me to be a bridesmaid instead of MOH and I accepted since she had already asked a bridesmaid to step up to MOH. She's already sent out her invitations now and didn't send one to me. I know the date and venue however not the time.

Her MOH is also suppose to be throwing her a BACH party even though it's her 3rd wedding, first with an actual ceremony though. And we got to talking about caterers the other day and it just seemed like all she wanted to do was rub in my face about how expensive her wedding is going to be. She is expecting 160 guests where I'm only expecting 40. Her FI's dad is paying for hers where as my FI and I are paying for ours since it's both our second wedding. I'm seriously feeling like it's all a competition to her now.

She's suppose to be a bridesmaid in my wedding, however I'm getting ready to pull out of her's and ask that she not be a part of mine. She hasn't gotten in contact with my MOH and other bridesmaid to try to decide on a dress and it has just gotten to the point that I've had enough. She asks for input, I give it. My MOH and I ask for input and she turns it around to her wedding and doesn't give a direct response.

My question is, she asked me to be a bridesmaid yet didn't send an invite, nor has she asked for my dress size bc our gift from her is our dresses, so do I even still plan on going? And if she's not gonna give any input to my MOH, she's asked for her dress size 5 times to try to find a dress to appropriately fit all of them, with no response, should I just forget about asking her to be a bridesmaid?
Posted by JVManning86[/QUOTE]

First, paragraphs are your friends.  People will take one look at a wall of text and just say "oh, hell no.  I'm not about to read that."

Now, I see a third divorce in your friends future.  She is so far out of bounds on so much eventually hubby #3 will wise up eventually.  Replacing you as MOH even though you had bowed out was completely wrong of her.  

Have you already asked her to be a BM?  If yes, the only way you can kick her out of your wedding is if you are prepared to end the relationship with her.  If no, don't ask her.  She's not worth the drama she would bring.

I don't understand why you would be expecting an invitation if the dresses haven't even been ordered yet.  Invites go out about 6 weeks before the wedding and dresses take a couple of months to come in.

As for the wedding planning in general, stop talking to her about your wedding and change the subject whenever she brings up hers.

erinlin25

was it maybe a save the date and not an invitation!?  The invitations for a September wedding would not need to go out until July at the earliest!  Even for a destination wedding--a save the date 9 months is advance is normal, but not an "inviation."  That is just odd.

Either way, since you did not get one, just call her--if you guys are close enough for you to be her once MOH, I would think she is close enough of a person for you to call her and say hey, i'm confused--such and such got a save the date/invitation and I did not--I thought I was a bridesmaid, whats the deal? 

And if she is one of your bridesmaids, all you can do is contact her and say dresses are to be ordered by such and such date. (not sure why MOH is the contact; you are the bride, she is your friend, your bridesmaid, you should be commuicating to her about the dress)  Did you get her budget?    If she does not order hers, she has pretty much taken herself out of the wedding...but again if its a Sept wedding, you still have plenty of time to order a dress.   

Just sounds like the both of you need to communicate with each other.  Not on facebook, thorugh emails or a text--through phone or in person. Talk to her.  Very well could be she is just busy planning her wedding.   Maybe the two of you need a non-wedding date to just be friends and not a bride/bridesmaid/MOH. 

JVManning86

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_do-i-or-dont-i-and-sort-of-a-rantvent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:db98ccc9-9983-4dbb-ae94-4e0e058107e9Post:8e22c71e-e725-428b-ae29-3adf61c79574">Re: Do I or don't I and sort of a rant/vent</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Do I or don't I and sort of a rant/vent : First, paragraphs are your friends.  People will take one look at a wall of text and just say "oh, hell no.  I'm not about to read that." Now, I see a third divorce in your friends future.  She is so far out of bounds on so much eventually hubby #3 will wise up eventually.  Replacing you as MOH even though you had bowed out was completely wrong of her.   Have you already asked her to be a BM?  If yes, the only way you can kick her out of your wedding is if you are prepared to end the relationship with her.  If no, don't ask her.  She's not worth the drama she would bring. I don't understand why you would be expecting an invitation if the dresses haven't even been ordered yet.  Invites go out about 6 weeks before the wedding and dresses take a couple of months to come in. As for the wedding planning in general, stop talking to her about your wedding and change the subject whenever she brings up hers.
Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]

Sorry about the wall of text.

I have asked her to be a bridesmaid in mine.

She has already sent out her invitations as a friend tagged her profile in a picture on facebook saying "see what came in the mail today".

I've sent texts to her asking about dresses bc with the way I'm built I know my dress will need to have alterations no matter what. I haven't decided on a wedding dress yet bc I haven't found one that would be easily altered for me so I can only imagine what her bridesmaid dresses will be like to alter.

As far as ending the friendship, I don't want to. We were closer when we were younger however we helped each other out in her second divorce and my divorce as well. We both married the badboys thinking they'd change.

And I did redirect the conversation today with her when she asked my input about a caterer. After finishing the conversation and about to hang up, she said oh I forgot, do you think you could come up next weekend to do taste testings with me for caterers? I told her that her FI needed to go with her for that. Only reason why mine didn't was because he was deployed and he asked one of our neighbors if she'd go with me on his behalf.

Viczaesar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_do-i-or-dont-i-and-sort-of-a-rantvent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:db98ccc9-9983-4dbb-ae94-4e0e058107e9Post:cdd4840d-cc51-4026-8016-9e369d1b03e5">Re: Do I or don't I and sort of a rant/vent</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Do I or don't I and sort of a rant/vent : I agree that I think I'm coming out on ahead. I feel that she mainly asked me to be MOH bc our families are very close and we were brought up together. Plus I'm a 5 hr drive away from her where as her now MOH is on the other side of the country. And no it was her wedding invitations. I only know this bc a friend tagged her in a picture of it on facebook saying "see what I got in the mail today" and that was last month. <strong>Granted most of her family is in California as mine and I'm sending mine out on the 1st. </strong>Our weddings are sort of destination weddings bc our families are having to come to us. She told me she didn't know what to get as gifts for bridal parties so a friend suggested she buy our dresses. And changing the date the first time was bc someone put in the deposit before her for the original date, second time was to move out of the 10 days my FI was given for possible coming home from deployment. My FI and I have a daughter together that he had to live 19 days after she was born so I'm not gonna deny him the right of seeing her once he steps off that plane. Yes I have asked her to be a bridesmaid in my wedding. And she knows my MOH from back in the day. There's no bad feelings toward one another, they just lost contact. My wedding is small (30 to 50 guests) and simple and pretty much planned. everything is just put on a timeline to buy things/make payments towards. Bridesmaid dresses, suits for guys n my dress are all thats left to decide.
Posted by JVManning86[/QUOTE]
The first of what?  If it's anywhere before the first of July, you're doing it wrong.  Invitations go out 6-8 weeks ahead of the wedding.  If you want to send something earlier than that it should be an STD. 

QueerFemme

Seriously, this all sounds like high school drama.

BubblyBride75

I wouldn't worry too much about not receiving an invitation. I didn't get an invitation for my friend's wedding last year as her MOH. When my parents got their invite I waited a couple weeks and finally asked her about my invite (in a joking way) she told me that she didn't get an invitation for the wedding she was MOH in the previous year so she thought it was normal not to send invitations to BP and seemed a little offended that I would expect an invite. Maybe there's someone out there telling brides not to send invites to their BPs to save money and our friends got a little wrapped up in wedding planning advice and thought that saving $3 on postage was totally worth making their closests friends feel slighted and confused.

As far as the dress sizing, I wouldn't worry about it unless you hear from her other BM's that she has ordered their dresses. It's her wedding and if she's already said she is taking care of the dresses she will figure it out one way or the other. It sounds like she has a lot to plan in the next 6 months so she might just be putting BM dresses on a back burner until she gets the big things, like caterer figured out. 

As far as your wedding goes... 

It sounds like your MOH is taking the lead on finding BM dresses and contacting the other maids about their sizes. Maybe your friend is just embarressed about her dress size and doesn't feel comfortable telling someone else her size, especially an old friend from "back in the day". I'm guessing that you will have input on the dresses so maybe you can ask her yourself for her size and work with the MOH to find something that will work for everyone.