How can I convince my BMs to tone down the wedding festivities?

renee.himes.osu

I love my BMs- my sis, FSIL, and 4 close friends.  My 4 friends and I are very close and would do anything for each other.  I am the first one to get married in the group and they are SUPER excited.

The problem is- I am afraid they want to make a huge production out of everything.  Examples: they want 3 bachelorette parties- one in Chicago (where we live)- one at UofI (our undergrad) and one in Vegas.  For the pre-drinking at the Chicago party- they want to hire a bartender.

Every time I try to tell them it's too much- they think I am just being polite and then call me the next day with more crazy additions.  I told them to call the trips "vacations" and not "bachelorette parties" but they think it adds to the hype (I blame the Hangover movie lol).  I love that they are excited- but it isn't practical!

Problems:

1. Not all BMs can afford all of this- they will either go broke or feel like they are missing out (I can't even afford a trip to vegas)  Half are still in grad school!!!

2.  I can't afford to this each time one of us gets engaged (and neither can the BMs)... we will try to top/match this every time (and if we don't- it would look really pathetic compared to mine- making the next bride feel like they missed out)

3.  My wedding is about Kevin and I starting our lives together- I don't want to lose focus on that (think Sex & the City movie where Carrie got distracted from Big cuz of all the hype of the wedding stuff)

I have been asking them to tone it down for 2 months and it only gets worse.  I feel I will have to make a big splash for them to realize I am serious- but I don't want to start drama/fights. 

I love my BMs - I am happy they are so excited- but this is way too impractical - how can I get them to tone it down?  Has anyone had a similar issue?  Thanks in advice for the advice.  (PS. if you have similar stories- share them and make me laugh- I could use it!)

gottahavashorti

Kindly remind them to keep all of the BMs' budgets in mind while planning these events.  Unless they plan to pay the way for those who aren't as well off financially, like the grad students, they need to keep it within reason. 

Unfortunately I don't think you can really force them to tone it down if they refuse.  You do have the option of turning down pre-wedding parties that are offered, though.

saxy414

I agree with gotta--but one thing to remember when you remind them to keep all BMs budgets in mind is that if they are asked in a group, probably every one is going to go along with the price--most people don't want to be the one person who holds up the plans.  Maybe suggest to whoever seems to be the organizer ask each BM privately (phone/email/whatever) what she personally can contribute (if anything!), so no one is put on the spot in a group. 

After that, just enjoy the parties :-)

krissydawn16

Just tell them.  There isn't much else you can do.  My BMs went a little crazy over the shower and wanted to send invites out 9 weeks early... but just telling her flat out worked perfectly.

lalap69

I would sit them down and tell them that you love them and appreciate how excited they are but tell them that you're serious when you say that it's too much.  Tell them what you told us about concerns about budgets and not wanting to get distracted from the big picture.  Tell them that you can't afford the time or the money (if you say time it's not something they can offer to pay your way on) to do all of these trips and parties and say that you'd like to just pick one as a group and that's it.  GL!

renee.himes.osu

Thanks ladies.  I posted last night because I knew I would see them tonight.. and kinda needed to vent and get advice before I yelled at them.

The girl who has been coming up with all these ideas has insanely rich parents and forgets to put budgets in perspective.  I was finally able to talk sense into her about the vegas trip.. but then she told me she wants to add a trolley and invite more than my 10 guest max rule.

I gave her all of my reasons for not wanting the things she is suggesting.. but she just chooses not to see it from my perspective.  I really think the more hype and upfront cost there is the less fun it will be.  (based on my experience from the b.party this summer that I went to and they didn't)

 I still think I am going to have to get mad at them for them to actually see how upset their decisions are making me.  Let's see how things go tonight..

Thanks for letting me vent girls!!!

gottahavashorti

You could tell her that you're uncomfortable accepting her offer to throw bachelorette parties that most of your BMs probably can't afford.  Or, if you have any other BMs who would be willing to speak up to her, you could encourage them to let her know if the trips are too expensive for them since you're not comfortable with the expense they would have to pay.

aerinpegadrak

"if you're going to insist on doing things that the other girls simply can't afford, you have to pay their way or come up with something else.  Period."

That should shut her up.

renee.himes.osu

Thanks for all the advice girls.  There are 3 BMs that keep coming up with the crazy stuff... but they are all feeding off the one rich girl- so if I can convince her (instead of all 3 at once) I might be able to tone things down.

As for the other BMs - I think they are a bit embarrassed to admit money is tighter for them- which is why they would either not show up with a "family affair excuse" or just put it on a credit card.  Which are both bad as far as I am concerned.

gottahavashorti

When you talk to the girl who's well off, remind her that full time grad students tend to live off of a very tiny salary if they have a TAship (if that's true for any of your BMs).  It's very possible that those destination parties could add up to half or all of a month's income for them.  That might help put things in perspective for her