Anyone Demote a MOH?

jnm079

So...when picking my MOH I decided that I would choose one of my close friends that lives in the same city as me over my best friend of a billion years.  I know it's irrational from the start...but hear me out.  My best friend lives seven hours away and just gave birth to her second child about two months ago.  So really I didn't want to stress her out with being MOH, so I chose this other friend.  I was in my other friend's wedding party last summer and did everything that a MOH should do because her's was not the best.  I listened to her vent about how her MOH was doing NOTHING and I was doing everything. So I thought that choosing her I would not have this problem, WRONG!

I always have to work around her.  I never hear from her unless she wants me to go to something with her college, etc.  Whenever we do meet up for coffee or supper she just wants to talk about all the things that she is doing and doesn't give a hoot about the wedding.  My fiance asked her if she was planning a shower for me anytime in the next couple months, because I am having one out of town and it would be nice to have one in town, and she lost it and went on and on about how busy with school she is.  My fiance and I are both in school this year and he is graduating, which results in job hunting and in this economy times are tough!

ANYWAYS, so my other three bridesmaids, two of which do not live in the city are doing way more than my MOH who lives five minutes from me.  My other bridesmaids are planning my bachelorette completely through email.  They are always calling, texting and emailing me about the wedding and asking how they can help, yet I hear NOTHING from my MOH.

Basically, do you think its wrong to demote a MOH? 

emilykathleen511

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_anyone-demote-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:dc1c0a03-dcf9-4b68-b3c4-ff37ca3b36a4Post:0b3b750c-08b9-41a7-8e05-531c956ad501">Anyone Demote a MOH?</a>:
[QUOTE]So...when picking my MOH I decided that I would choose one of my close friends that lives in the same city as me over my best friend of a billion years.  I know it's irrational from the start...but hear me out.  My best friend lives seven hours away and just gave birth to her second child about two months ago.  So really I didn't want to stress her out with being MOH, so I chose this other friend.  I was in my other friend's wedding party last summer and did everything that a MOH should do because her's was not the best.  I listened to her vent about how her MOH was doing NOTHING and I was doing everything. So I thought that choosing her I would not have this problem, WRONG! I always have to work around her.  I never hear from her unless she wants me to go to something with her college, etc.  Whenever we do meet up for coffee or supper she just wants to talk about all the things that she is doing and doesn't give a hoot about the wedding.  My fiance asked her if she was planning a shower for me anytime in the next couple months, because I am having one out of town and it would be nice to have one in town, and she lost it and went on and on about how busy with school she is.  My fiance and I are both in school this year and he is graduating, which results in job hunting and in this economy times are tough! ANYWAYS, so my other three bridesmaids, two of which do not live in the city are doing way more than my MOH who lives five minutes from me.  My other bridesmaids are planning my bachelorette completely through email.  They are always calling, texting and emailing me about the wedding and asking how they can help, yet I hear NOTHING from my MOH. Basically, do you think its wrong to demote a MOH? 
Posted by jnm079[/QUOTE]

<div>Yes, it is wrong. All she has to do is show up on the day in the requested attire. As MOH she should also hold your bouquet, sign the license, and give a toast if she feels up to it, but even these can be done really by anyone. She is just a busy girl. Let it go and be happy you have a lot of awesome friends.</div>

Mrs.B6302007

 [QUOTE]Anyone Demote a MOH?[/QUOTE]

nope.

brilibby4

It is very rude to demote anyone.  Also, she has no requirements as a MOH other than to show up to your wedding wearing the dress.  As a college student working two jobs I can totally understand why she feels busy and too overwhelmed to through you some parties.  Friends are allowed to want to talk to you about things other than your wedding and to be honest, none of them are going to care about your wedding details as much as you do.  Relax and I'm sure it will all work out!

gottahavashorti

Yes, it's wrong to demote a MOH for anything but a major, legitimately friendship ending reason that is unrelated to the wedding.  Being involved in wedding planning is something that many WP members opt to do, but it is not a WP duty.

suz62984

First: choosing this friend over your BF because you assumed she wouldn't want the position along with a second child was wrong. Unless she flat out told you that she didn't want the MOH position because she had a baby, this has nothing to do with your problem; I highly suspect that you made her a regular BM because she had a baby and couldn't devote every waking second on you.

Second: It is rude, wrong, and bitchy to demote your MOH. If you are ready to cut off your friendship completely than go ahead but YOU WILL look like the bad guy here.

Third: BMs and MOH do not have to throw you a shower/bach, they do not have to help you plan, they do not have to call you everyday to see if you are ok or stressed, and they do not have to drop their lives and center everything around you.

Get over yourself and grow. No one will be as excited about your wedding as you are.

baystateapple

Jeezum.  NO.  My MOH Is my sister and I would never, ever consider hurting her like that.  Nor would I consider doing it to one of my friends.  Grow up.

jagore08

Oh honey, no.

megk8oz

No, I did not demote my MOH.

Even when I found out that the week of the wedding she still didn't have her dress altered.

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_anyone-demote-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:dc1c0a03-dcf9-4b68-b3c4-ff37ca3b36a4Post:d70623de-ac9d-4a3b-a05b-d73b3b170fa1">Re: Anyone Demote a MOH?</a>:
[QUOTE]First: choosing this friend over your BF because you assumed she wouldn't want the position along with a second child was wrong. Unless she flat out told you that she didn't want the MOH position because she had a baby, this has nothing to do with your problem; I highly suspect that you made her a regular BM because she had a baby and couldn't devote every waking second on you. Second: It is rude, wrong, and bitchy to demote your MOH. If you are ready to cut off your friendship completely than go ahead but YOU WILL look like the bad guy here. Third: BMs and MOH do not have to throw you a shower/bach, they do not have to help you plan, they do not have to call you everyday to see if you are ok or stressed, and they do not have to drop their lives and center everything around you. Get over yourself and grow. No one will be as excited about your wedding as you are.
Posted by suz62984[/QUOTE]

<div>What she said.</div><div>
</div><div>People who try to use their friends disgust me.</div>

xoxob

It sounds like you asked for a MOH, when you should have hired a wedding planner.

jenn.daniel

No.  Like you said, it was irrational from the start.

saxy414

Yes, it is wrong to demote a MOH.  You made the decision (yes, irrational from the start), so for better or worse, you have to deal with it.  Short of ending the relationship, there is no good way to demote a MOH.  Just be thankful your BMs are helping out (because they are NOT required to).

lilcassers

MOH isn't a job and she is not required to throw anything for you. In fact, from what I know is that moms, FMIL and aunta are usually the ones who throw showers and what not.

I am not requiring my bridal party to do anything for me. You may be getting married, but your not a princess that should be bowed down to. Just remember, a wedding is about the lvoe you share with someone, not about your friendships.

Good luck and I hope it all works out.

deepcovejackie

Nope, I never demoted anyone.

aerinpegadrak

I would never have dreamed of demoting anyone in my wedding party.  My MOH isn't even sure she'll be able to make it because she's having issues with her husband's job.  Hell, emilyinchile's MOH very nearly didn't make it into the country because of that pesky little 8.8 earthquake one week prior.

And I'm not getting a shower or bachelorette party either.  The logistics, finances, and timing just didn't work out.  They're not required, and not every girl is lucky enough to get one.  It kind of sucks when you don't, but whining about it won't change anything, and just makes you look like a child.

LarissaAnn

Demote my sister?  Not on your life.

emilyinchile

Yes, it's wrong, and no, I did not. Even though as Aerin pointed out a) my MOH lives on another continent and b) until two days before the wedding I wasn't sure she would make it thanks to the earthquake in Chile closing the airport.

Honestly, this is called karma. You chose not to honor your best friend in the world by asking her to be your MOH because you thought she would be too busy to help you, so now you're left with an unhelpful MOH who's not even your BFF. There is a lesson to be learned here.

ashzell

I can kind of understand your dilemma, but regardless of the lack of responsibility she is taking on, she is your friend first and foremost. Demoting her would not only be tacky, but it would be incredibly hurtful to her and damage your friendship. A wedding party dilemma is no reason to hurt a friendship.

and IDK if it's a regional/cultural thing with MOH expectations because I've found a lot of people on the boards here seem to think it means little responsibility... but where I'm from being MOH is an honor and a responsibility to the bride at the same time. I do not meant servanthood or anything extreme like that, but there are some additional responsibilities. BUT, you do need to keep in mind her situation and realize that she seems extremely busy. She also is not obligated to throw you any sort of party... although where I'm from she should plan the bachelorette party, although you must remember this is something she's doing for you and not something you should expect.

I had a similar panic attack about my MOH earlier (although I would NEVER consider demoting her) and all you have to do is take a breath and realize your wedding will be awesome regardless, and your bridesmaids are all your friends first and foremost.

banana468

There are tons of things that a MOH may traditionally do.

BUT those are all extras - not the responsibility of the MOH.

And ditto PPs, booting her kills the friendship.