My fiancee doesn't want my male friend as a groomsmen

MrsNash2be

I have a very close male friend (who is gay) who assumes will be in our wedding party.  He can be a bit of a drama queen, but I have been friends with him for 10+ years and he is also friends with my ENTIRE wedding party (which is mostly couples-weird I know). I always figured that he would be one of the groomsmen. But when I mentioned it to my fiancee, he pretty much threw a fit and was basically dead-set against it.  This has become the most sensitive subject and we argue about it constantly. Who is right in this situation?

The Mel and Todd Show

I don't understand why you included details about your friend being a gay drama queen.  Unless he's going to stop your ceremony for a brief cabaret interlude, this is not pertinent information (unless your FI won't abide having him in the wedding BECAUSE he's a gay drama queen, in which case...bigger problems).

To answer your question, he is right. 

Your friends=your attendants

His friends=his attendants 

suz62984

He is your friend. You can't choose your FI's groomsmen; however you can choose your bridesmaids. Your friend should be a bridesman. He would still wear the same thing as the GMs but would stand on your side.

trix1223

If your siggy picture is you and the person you're marrying, you have a fiance, not a fiancee.

jYour friend doesn't have to be a GM.  You don't get to choose the GM.  You do, however, get to choose your WP.  And mixed-gender WP's are increasingly common.

Ask your friend to be a member of your WP.

Why did you feel the need to mention that he was gay?  His sexuality has absolutely NOTHING to do with your question.

psichick

you don't get to pick who stands with him. if you want him to be a part of your wedding, then he can stand with you on your side. 

Beachy730

Simply put, you get no say in his side.  I know it sucks.  But its definitely rude of your friend to assume he is in it.  FI and I had a similar argument over my brother being in it, but seeing that they've only actually met twice since we live in different cities, I totally understood why he wasn't picked.  FI has 2 brothers of his own and 3 friends in it.  So how can you expect him to take out one of his friends or family members for a friend of yours?

I found other ways to include my brother.  He is walking my mom down the aisle, and he is doing a reading during the ceremony.  So could you find some other way to include your friend?  Like PPs said, it is more common for mixed gender parties, but personally I have never seen it done around here, and i never considered it for my guy friends. 

bablingbrooke

Sides don't have to be gender-specific.  How would you like it if your FI was trying to force someone you didn't like to be one of your BMs?  It works the same way on his side.  Have your friend stand with you and start fighting.  This isn't worth one fight, let alone a series of them, so you also may want to take a look at the relationship and see why you are fighting, not talking, about this.

aerinpegadrak

My DH and my brother don't get along.  My brother stood on my side.  No big deal.

SarahPLiz

I think you need to talk to your FI about WHY he is so uncomfortable about this. ,y top suspicions:

1- Religious family that would frown upon including a gay person in the ceremony
2- He is uncomfortable with your relationship with another male, gay or not.
3- He is very traditional about gender roles.
4- He thinks it will make him look bad or weak or whatever if his wife is that close to another male, gay or not.

Take your pick, or any of the above. However, you need to understand his reasoning behind this in order to talk about it rationally with him. Remember that communication and compromise are very important parts of a marriage.


ETA: I just re-read about you wanting him to be a GM. Yeah, that's not gonna happen unless your FI is on board. HIs WP is his business. Your WP is your business. However, if he objects to him being in YOUR WP, then re-read above.

bethsmiles

Well...you are wrong. You don't get to say who stands on his side. But the same goes for him, he doesn't get to say who stands on your side. So have your friend stand up on your side.

duckie1905

Your friend=your side.

You don't get to choose your FI's attendants.  Your FI had every right to say no.

megk8oz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_fiancee-doesnt-want-male-friend-groomsmen?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:dd297788-df3c-47c9-9810-0a2cef850cdcPost:131741f3-caad-4cc1-bd78-dca1692085e1">My fiancee doesn't want my male friend as a groomsmen</a>:
[QUOTE]I have a very close male friend (who is gay) who assumes will be in our wedding party.  He can be a bit of a drama queen, but I have been friends with him for 10+ years and he is also friends with my ENTIRE wedding party (which is mostly couples-weird I know). I always figured that he would be one of the groomsmen. But when I mentioned it to my fiancee, he pretty much threw a fit and was basically dead-set against it.  This has become the most sensitive subject and we argue about it constantly. Who is right in this situation?
Posted by MrsNash2be[/QUOTE]


If you actually want your friend in the BP, ask him to stand on your side. If you don't want him in the BP, then don't ask him at all. But you can't make him have a GM he doesn't want, just like he can't make you have a BM you don't want.

And honestly, this really isn't an issue that anybody should be throwing fits or arguing constantly over. It's pretty cut and dry: you pick your side, your FI picks his.

janedoe1113a

You don't get to pick the GMs.  Have him on your side if you want him in the wedding party.

loop0406

The groom should pick his groomsmen. Since he's your friend assuming he's already in the BP, you should let him know the groom has already chosen his groomsmen (even if he hasn't) just so your friend won't be all excited about it

MyNameIsNot

Why can't he stand on your side?  Bridesmen are very common.

[Deleted User]

Well, it has all been said. Have him stand on your side, that way your FI can't complain. You pick your side, he picks his side. Plain and simple.

janedoe1113a

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_fiancee-doesnt-want-male-friend-groomsmen?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:dd297788-df3c-47c9-9810-0a2cef850cdcPost:fd6fba2d-7b28-4699-83f1-e19a3ba6240e">Re: My fiancee doesn't want my male friend as a groomsmen</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm on your side.  I was the "best woman" in my best friend's wedding.  However, before his FI would agree to it, I had to get written permission from the Etiquette Expert of the London Times (who was also the former head of protocol at Buckingham Palace).  For the record, he loved the idea. I hope you don't have to go to such extremes.
Posted by tldh[/QUOTE]

Are you effin' kidding me?

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_fiancee-doesnt-want-male-friend-groomsmen?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:dd297788-df3c-47c9-9810-0a2cef850cdcPost:fd6fba2d-7b28-4699-83f1-e19a3ba6240e">Re: My fiancee doesn't want my male friend as a groomsmen</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm on your side.  I was the "best woman" in my best friend's wedding.  However, before his FI would agree to it, I had to get written permission from the Etiquette Expert of the London Times (who was also the former head of protocol at Buckingham Palace).  For the record, he loved the idea. I hope you don't have to go to such extremes.
Posted by tldh[/QUOTE]

I hope the jar your BF's wife keeps his balls in is at least a pretty one with a nice gold lid.

tldh

I wish I were kidding but no.  By the time the wedding came around, Howard and I were good e.mail pals.