Is it okay to change the guest book person?

SB12013

So I asked my friend of 20+ years to be a bridesmaid. It's a huge deal to me and we are having the wedding a few hours from where we live so I told her to make sure it would work for her before accepting. She declined. I was and am very hurt. However, I could understand if it was because of money or something but her reasoning just made it worse. She said she still plans to come to the wedding and would do whatever I needed but she wanted to be able to spend the wedding and reception with her husband. She didn't want him to be alone at the wedding. I gave her an easy out and said she could do the guest book instead. But the more I think about it, it just seems so ridulous and selfish. The man is 35 and he can't sit through a wedding ceremony alone? We are having a very small wedding, so at this point (we haven't sent out invites yet) I'm tempted not to even invite her. She has made it clear that she be there to spend time with her husband not us. Is it okay for me not to invite her or at the least to have some one else do the guest book? I feel even if she did the guest book she wouldn't do a good job because what would her husband do?

AdeleDazeem

Hmmm... so much wrong in one post.

I think it's quite nice that your friend thought about the situation and said "My husband will be alone at this event.  I want him to have a good time and he won't have a good time by himself."  Have you ever been to a wedding where your date was off doing wedding stuff and you were alone?  These situations are very uncomfortable, especially if there are reasons that you aren't privvy to about the husband. 

I understand where you are coming from, but it's useful to look at this from your friend and her husband's perspectives.

If your friend declined being a bridesmaid, I would just have her be a guest.  It's a bit childish to univite her over this. 

Do guest books really need attendants?  "It's a bullshit job, Carrie.  People know what to do with a guestbook."

Meghannsix

Totally agree with PP's.  Guest books do not need an attendant, and WP should be able to sit with their SO's during the reception.  I'm really struggling with how she was important enough to consider for BM, but now because she doesn't want to leave her husband alone she's off the guest list?  Shallow

AurorasEnvy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_is-it-okay-to-change-the-guest-book-person?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:dd684ed6-40d8-41d4-8d48-42d6606441ecPost:d120412b-18b2-4e59-a172-a710ca6a3919">Re: Is it okay to change the guest book person?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hmmm... so much wrong in one post. I think it's quite nice that your friend thought about the situation and said "My husband will be alone at this event.  I want him to have a good time and he won't have a good time by himself."  Have you ever been to a wedding where your date was off doing wedding stuff and you were alone?  These situations are very uncomfortable, especially if there are reasons that you aren't privvy to about the husband.  I understand where you are coming from, but it's useful to look at this from your friend and her husband's perspectives. If your friend declined being a bridesmaid, I would just have her be a guest.  It's a bit childish to univite her over this.  Do guest books really need attendants?  "It's a bullshit job, Carrie.  People know what to do with a guestbook."
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I agree with this.  I've been the guest of a GM twice before where I knew no one else, and quite honestly it sucked and was terrible.  She probably doesn't want him to sit through the rehearal alone, the morning getting ready alone, a couple of hours of photos alone, the ceremony alone, and probably the reception dinner alone because most people have head tables.</div><div>
</div><div>I definitely understand where you are coming from as far as being hurt over her not wanting to be a BM - but maybe she's not at a point where she can buy a dress or worry about pre-wedding parties.  Hard to say exactly why she declined, but either way if she is a friend of 20+ years, I'd still rather have her as a guest there than not at all.  If you have been friends for a long time, maybe just ask her straight up why she didn't want to be a BM - it's probably for a reason that you haven't thought of.  And the guestbook doesn't need anyone to watch over it!

</div>

SB12013

A little more insight...She didn't want to leave him alone for the wedding or the reception. We haven't figured out seating arrangements yet and I told her as much. I guess you have to understand how she went about telling me, which is why I'm considering not inviting her now. When I asked she said yes and I said great, but think about it because of cost, etc., she said she would. Then via text message declined. I just thought a phone call would have been nice and I don't see how not sitting next to him for the ceremony would be so hard, it is going to be short!

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_is-it-okay-to-change-the-guest-book-person?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:dd684ed6-40d8-41d4-8d48-42d6606441ecPost:c907266f-dac6-46da-a2c9-791a127850f8">Is it okay to change the guest book person?</a>:
[QUOTE]So I asked my friend of 20+ years to be a bridesmaid. It's a huge deal to me and we are having the wedding a few hours from where we live so I told her to make sure it would work for her before accepting. She declined. I was and am very hurt. However, I could understand if it was because of money or something but her reasoning just made it worse. She said she still plans to come to the wedding and would do whatever I needed but she wanted to be able to spend the wedding and reception with her husband. She didn't want him to be alone at the wedding. I gave her an easy out and said she could do the guest book instead. But the more I think about it, it just seems so ridulous and selfish. The man is 35 and he can't sit through a wedding ceremony alone? We are having a very small wedding, so at this point (we haven't sent out invites yet) I'm tempted not to even invite her. She has made it clear that she be there to spend time with her husband not us. Is it okay for me not to invite her or at the least to have some one else do the guest book? I feel even if she did the guest book she wouldn't do a good job because what would her husband do?
Posted by SB12013[/QUOTE]

What a "head-desk" moment this post is.

1)  A guestbook does not need an attendant.  A guestbook does not have legs so it will not walk away or start doing a silly dance (even though that would be awesome to see)

2)  So your friend declined to be a BM.  Her reason for doing so should not matter.  Some women don't want to be in weddings.  Also, have you ever thought that maybe money is the issue but that she may be too embarassed to tell you?

3)  I don't see how her declining to be a BM would then make you not want to invite her.

I think you are being very petty and a bit childish about the whole thing.

Do not have her be a guestbook attendant because it is a sh*tty and pointless job.

Invite her and her husband to your wedding.  Are you really ready to sacrifice a 20+ year friendship because she didn't want to be a BM?

Habs2Hart

First off, as others have stated, guest books don't need to be baby sat.  People know how to sign a guest book.  Don't ask anyone to do that.  Tell your friend that you realised it's a really dumb job and that you want her to just enjoy herself with her hubby.

Second, you're calling your friend selfish because she doesn't want to leave her husband high and dry in a town where he knows nobody?  REALLY?  YOU are calling HER selfish?

It's time to look in the mirror, sweetie.  You can't end a friendship because someone cares about their husband's feelings.  You'll be fine without her there.  I'm sure her husband will be too, but where you'll have lots of people with you on the day with or without her, if she is there, he'll have nobody.    Think about that. 

mbody

 Guest book jobs are laaaammmee! Why does someone need to stand next to one?

And what's even lamer is that you want to not invite a friend of 20+ years to your wedding because she declined being a BM. You didn't summon or subpoena her- you asked her! Her reasons are her own and you shouldn't be the judge of the validity of those reasons. You sound awfully childish for not wanting to invite her to your 6th b-day party, oh wait, I meant wedding.

amymaysa

Like others have said, the guest book and be left alone with a sign and guests will know what to do..no attendant needed.

I get it hurts that she declined being a bridesmaid, but to not invite her over this could be a friendship ending move, so you want that?

StephBeanWed61502

<div align="left">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_is-it-okay-to-change-the-guest-book-person?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:dd684ed6-40d8-41d4-8d48-42d6606441ecPost:93cde56c-976e-4b44-a3f0-967fd7eaf65c">Re: Is it okay to change the guest book person?</a>:
[QUOTE] Guest book jobs are laaaammmee! Why does someone need to stand next to one? And what's even lamer is that you want to not invite a friend of 20+ years to your wedding because she declined being a BM.<strong> You didn't summon or subpoena her- you asked her!</strong> Her reasons are her own and you shouldn't be the judge of the validity of those reasons. You sound awfully childish for not wanting to invite her to your 6th b-day party, oh wait, I meant wedding.
Posted by mbody[/QUOTE]

See?  THIS is why I subpoenaed all my bridesmaids.

(Kidding!)</div>

em01092

I mean I could understand if she was pissed that her FI wasn't invited to the RD, or if you were set on doing a head table, but sitting by himself for the ceremony shouldn't be an excuse. No one speaks or really does anything during that part, whereas the reception is more social and thus awkawrd if he has to sit with people he doesn't know for an hour. 

Still, there is nothing you can do if that's how she feels. =/

mbody

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_is-it-okay-to-change-the-guest-book-person?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:dd684ed6-40d8-41d4-8d48-42d6606441ecPost:b09bc616-c47f-4e45-8d32-d5ff38fb886f">Re: Is it okay to change the guest book person?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is it okay to change the guest book person? : See?  THIS is why I subpoenaed all my bridesmaids. (Kidding!)
Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]
Well.. I mean if you want them all there at the wedding you have to take drastic measures. Ya gotta do whatcha gotta do! :)

raes19

My guest book did just fine sitting on a table by itself. The only thing that went "wrong" was after my brother signed his name, he also signed for Jack Daniels. NBD.

Habs2Hart

I had one couple sign the guest book (or frames rather) twice.  But that's okay, because there was another couple there with the same names as them and they forgot to sign it.  Everybody wins!

rebarobert2012

If she is just worried about him sitting alone at the ceremony, that is silly.

However, if you are having a head table where significant others of the wedding party are not included, that's another thing, and I think she has a legitimate reason to be upset.  My fiance was in a friend's wedding party, but I was not.  I didn't mind sitting alone during the ceremony at all, but they did a head table at the reception that did not include significant others of the bridal party.  I had to sit alone for the entire reception.  Honestly, it really pissed me off, and I thought it was incredibly rude.

graysquirrel

I don't think that her reasons for not wanting to be a BM should matter. If someone doesn't want to be a WP member, then they just don't. It doesn't mean that they don't want to be your friend. Whatever her reasons are, they are important to her, so her feelings should be taken into account.

I don't want to be mean here, but listen to how this sounds-- "You don't want to be in my wedding so you can't come at all!" It sounds childish and petty. By not inviting her you are going to start all kinds of problems and will likely lose a friend. What are you going to say when she asks you why she is now not invited? I would just let it go.

dubird

If you really want to give her a meaningful 'job', ask her to do a reading.  It's short, she's not offically part of the wedding party, but it's still something special.  And, she can sit next to her husband during the cerimony and reception.  Don't worry about having a guestbook tender unless you're attaching it to her in some way.

....and suddenly I have a vision of a dress that everyone signs for the guestbook.  /><

AdeleDazeem

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_is-it-okay-to-change-the-guest-book-person?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:dd684ed6-40d8-41d4-8d48-42d6606441ecPost:fe88398b-884b-4f57-8064-cefac0a9654f">Re: Is it okay to change the guest book person?</a>:
[QUOTE]A little more insight...She didn't want to leave him alone for the wedding or the reception. We haven't figured out seating arrangements yet and I told her as much. I guess you have to understand how she went about telling me, which is why I'm considering not inviting her now. When I asked she said yes and I said great, but think about it because of cost, etc., she said she would. Then via text message declined. I just thought a phone call would have been nice and I don't see how not sitting next to him for the ceremony would be so hard, it is going to be short!
Posted by SB12013[/QUOTE]

You told her to think about and she did.  She came to her decision.  Maybe she texted because she didn't want to argue about it or have you try to talk her out of it; maybe she texted because she didn't think declining being in a bridal party was that big a deal.  I think you are reading far too much into this.  Yes, your wedding is extremely important ...to YOU.  It's dangerous to apply all those thoughts and feelings about this one moment in your life to all the other people in it.  You are going to get very hurt because life does continue.

She declined.  For whatever reason, you should respect her decision.  Invite her to wedding as a guest and be happy.  Of course it hurts that she turned you down, but her reasons are her own. 

soontobemrsep

From somebody who was  a personal attendant then 'assigned by the bride' to sit with the guest book for the beginning of the reception, DON'T insult somebody with that 'job.' Please.
As others have said, the guest book is going to be fine left alone. Leave it by the entrance and people will be smart enough to find it and sign it.

I get that your insulted that she declined being a BM, but don't make matters worse by contemplating not even inviting her because of this. Your wedding is one day, is her not wanting to participate in an event for one day worth ruining a friendship that has lasted 20+ years?

ETA: TK is super wonky, why is my post centered?!

TiffannieF

Ya him sitting by himself at the ceremony for 30-60 minutes is a bit silly but some couples don't like to be separated. I was a BM and DH left after the ceremony when he found out that we wouldn't be sitting next to each other at the reception.

What probably happened is she accepted, spoke with her H who didn't want to be my himself, told her he wouldn't go, she doesnt want to be with out him, so then declined.

Regardless of how she told you, take it as a good example of a good wife choosing her H over a friend...this is something you will also have to do when you get married.

Please invite her. I personally think it would be childish and ridiculous of you if you didn't at least invite her...she's a friend that you really wanted involved. I understand why your feelings are hurt, mine would be too but that wouldn't warrant grounds for not inviting her to a wedding she already knows about.

 Maybe try something different for her. Like asking her to do a reading. "Friend, I understand and respect your decision. Would you be agreeable to do a reading?"

baystateapple

Stop and think about this for a second.  Think about this discussion that will surely happen if you proceed as you want to.

Mutual Friend: Hey, are you going to SB's wedding?
Ex Bridesmaid/GB Attendant: Well...no.  I'm not.
MF: WHy?
ExBM: Because SB decided not to send me an invitation.
MF: After asking you to be a bridesmaid?
ExBM: Yeah.  I had to decline because I wanted to spend the wedding and reception with my husband.  She made me the guest book attendant but then in the end decided that we were too selfish and she doesn't want us coming to her wedding.
MF: Wow.  What a bitch.

That is what is going to happen.  Don't make her the guest  book attendant.  As PP said, it is a bullshit job.  Call her up, tell her that you don't need a guestbook attendant, and you would love for her and her husband to enjoy your wedding reception.  Then let this go.  You are being petty.

OBX2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_is-it-okay-to-change-the-guest-book-person?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:dd684ed6-40d8-41d4-8d48-42d6606441ecPost:c907266f-dac6-46da-a2c9-791a127850f8">Is it okay to change the guest book person?</a>:
[QUOTE]So I asked my friend of 20+ years to be a bridesmaid. It's a huge deal to me and we are having the wedding a few hours from where we live so I told her to make sure it would work for her before accepting. She declined. I was and am very hurt. However, I could understand if it was because of money or something but her reasoning just made it worse. She said she still plans to come to the wedding and would do whatever I needed but she wanted to be able to spend the wedding and reception with her husband. She didn't want him to be alone at the wedding. I gave her an easy out and said she could do the guest book instead. But the more I think about it, it just seems so ridulous and selfish. The man is 35 and he can't sit through a wedding ceremony alone? We are having a very small wedding, so at this point (we haven't sent out invites yet) I'm tempted not to even invite her. She has made it clear that she be there to spend time with her husband not us. Is it okay for me not to invite her or at the least to have some one else do the guest book? I feel even if she did the guest book she wouldn't do a good job because what would her husband do?
Posted by SB12013[/QUOTE]

This is just wrong on so many levels.  No, it is not okay to not invite her. 

You clearly stated that you told her to make sure it would work for her and even though I don't agree with her reason necessarily, it was HER decision to make and she politely declined.  She even offered to help you with anything you needed, so it's not as if she has written you off and told you to shove it.

Why does she need to be the guest book attendant?  That is a completely lame-ass title to pass off to a friend.  I'm pretty sure that guests know to sign the little book that will be sitting there as this is probably not their first wedding.

For some reason, I don't quite believe that she made it clear that she would be there to spend time with her husband and not you.   I think you are making it out to be that way to support your cause in hopes that we will all tell you that she is a rotten friend, when in fact you are the one that is acting quite rotten by possibly not inviting her.  If you are seriously ready to not invite a friend of 20+ years (which is a very very long time) to your wedding, prepare to never speak to her again.  If a friend of mine did that to me, I would be beyond hurt and would probably not have anything more to say to her.

I admit, that I don't understand why her husband can't be alone during the wedding b/c it's not like she won't be with him all night at the reception but again, that was HER choice to make and what's done is done. 

If you choose not to invite her, I fear that you will look back one day and truly regret this decision on many different levels.  You have to get over this and invite your friend.

FutureMrsPaulG

I'm scratching my head as to why you needed to tell her to think about the costs of being a bridesmaid when you asked her? As a grown woman, I'm pretty sure she is capable of figuring out that it costs money to be in someone's wedding. Before I was ever asked to be a bridesmaid, I knew what would be expected of me financially and quite frankly, I would have been offended if someone had mentioned to me to take the cost into consideration before answering. Are you really willing to end a decades long friendship because she declined to be in your wedding via text message? Maybe she thought it would be a way to "save face" and not have to give you a ton of details as to why she declined? Just some food for thought. As for her concern about hubby being alone during the wedding, try to be a little more understanding. I've been a guest of a GM and it was pretty lonely especially since I only knew a few people at that wedding. I was definitely ready to leave when dinner was over but didn't want to be rude. As for changing the guest book person, by all means, do it~change it to be unattended. As someone else mentioned, guestbooks are not children in need of babysitters.

hearthemelody

Out of curiosity, what is the suggested method to un-ask someone to be a guest book attendant? Isn't it a relationship ender to un-ask anybody from doing anything in your wedding?

Girlie1030

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_is-it-okay-to-change-the-guest-book-person?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:dd684ed6-40d8-41d4-8d48-42d6606441ecPost:6dcab9ab-c642-4c2d-a00f-9eef29df2e10">Re: Is it okay to change the guest book person?</a>:
[QUOTE]Out of curiosity, what is the suggested method to un-ask someone to be a guest book attendant? Isn't it a relationship ender to un-ask anybody from doing anything in your wedding?
Posted by hearthemelody[/QUOTE]

I would think a simple "I'm sorry, I realize it's a bogus job I asked you to do.  Please don't worry about it.  Can't wait to celebrate with you!" would work.