BM's paying for shower???

angmore

I'm in a friends wedding in June and am also getting married myself in October. I received an email the other day from the MOH in my friends wedding regarding the bridal shower. She had sent us all a typeout of what she and the brides mother (Im assuming) had planned and what we owe, They had decided to have us host a lunch at a restaurant for 60 people. The cost per bridesmaid, $135. Plus, she asked us to make a basket (or something of the sort) for prizes for the shower...along with making the centerpieces and favors (this is what I gathered from the email) as well as a shower gift for the bride. So...I'm figuring....probably at least $175 to help host this shower! It's especially steep for me as I'm also getting married and my Fiance & I are paying for over half of our wedding ourselves. I just don't know if this is something I'm making a big deal of, or if perhaps its something I should say something about...in the aspect that thats a large chunk of cash for me to come up with for a shower...considering my situation and all. And I don't want to make a huge deal about it with the other BM's, let alone the bride...but cmon. I just need some advice. Thanks

MyNameIsNot

She's really out of line to expect you to just cough up cash. 

I would reply all to the email (b/c you probably aren't the only BM feeling this way) and say that you hadn't offered to co-host the shower and don't know why she would think you were planning to give her money.  Then maybe say you could throw in $50 if she's bitten off more than she could chew.

aerinpegadrak

"Well, MOH, money's really tight for us right now, so I can only afford to contribute $X.  I'll do what I can to help, but since I wasn't consulted about any of this beforehand, this is all I can commit to."

Just be civil but firm, and try to leave the bride out of it.  (I'd also try not to mention the fact that you're also planning a wedding; MOH sounds like the kind of person who could make that get nasty really quick.)

mbcdefg

Ditto PPs, the hostess was EXTREMELY rude to tell you what you owed and not give you any input.

I'll piggyback on aerin's suggested wording ... "I wish you'd consulted me/us beforehand about our budgets. I can afford to give you $x, and maybe I can help out with [whatever you feel like ... addressing invites, baking something, making a basket, whatever]. But maybe we can all talk soon about what we can each afford to spend, that way the shower can be planned around what we can all contribute. If you want a certain type of event, I am more than willing to let you be the sole hostess and get the credit, but I cannot afford what you're asking."

If she doesn't like it, tough. She can either adjust the plans to fit what everyone can give her, or she can host it all by herself. Hopefully it'll be a lesson learned for her.

SarahPLiz

You should definitely say something to her, along the lines of, " This amount is out of my budget. I can handle contributing $X to the party.".. OR, " I'm sorry, but I am not able to help host this shower at this time."

The hosts do the planning and the paying, not necessarily the BMs. My friends may throw me a shower, but I'll be damned if they send the bill to my sisters (out of state).

bablingbrooke

I've been on the receiving end of this email and it sucks.  I've always just gone along with it so that the bride isn't punished for the MOH/MOB's rudeness.  But if it's too much for you to swing, just say "I can contribute X" or "I'm afraid I'm not able to help with hosting the shower--it's out of my budget."  I think the former will be the least drama-filled, and hopefully these two were so caught up in the excitement they forgot themselves and it will knock some sense into them.  Good luck!

emilyinchile

Ditto, ditto, ditto.

Interesting to me that this is like the third post on this topic lately. The same problems seem to come in waves.

balasj

I think its fairly common for this to happen.  I'll be in my second wedding soon and the first one I was in last summer we just had the shower at the brides aunts house so that really cut down on the costs.  The one I'll be in coming up is at a restaurant so naturally the cost to the people throwing it (ie parents and bridesmaids) is much much higher.  The costs definitely add up but you also have to tell yourself that this is your good friend's once in a lifetime (hopefully) big day so it's worth it to throw her something nice.

That being said, if you really can't afford it, let them both (mom and MOH) know in a non-confrontational way (no need to start a fight) that you just can't make ends meet at the moment.  Perhaps they didn't realize that not everyone was in a solid position in terms of finances.  Maybe also calmly express your frustration about not being included in the planning where you might have offered more cost effective suggestions - this way it hopefully won't happen again as you lead up to the bachelorette and the actual wedding weekend.

gottahavashorti

She's way out of line.

"Sorry, I hadn't set any money aside for the bridal shower since I didn't know that I was a co-host.  I would be able to help out with $X or help with setup/cleanup/gift transportation."  Obviously, these offers are only if you are comfortable with them.  Otherwise, just let her know that due to time and financial constraints, you'll be unable to help out.

ANGEL006

This is a tricky situation because different families and circles "host" things and all are done differently. I would have a hard time coughing up the cash if I have not been involved, offered or consulted on the matter.

Just recently married, the BP and my mother met and discussed their involvement, financial contribution, task or otherwise. The only one that was not present at the time was contacted to see if they would like to contribute to the shower, being out of state so that they were not left out.

Did the MOH or parent reach out to anyone prior to the planning ? If not, the expectation is that they would be paying for the shower . It would then be appropriate to perhaps ask the BP to contribute by making a "gift" basket.

Is she standing up in your wedding ? What is her involvement in your pre-wedding events ?

banana468

I think Malphabet's answer is perfect. 

nmill349

That was kind of out of line for her to just assume that you will be contributing to the shower, an expensive shower at that! I am getting married in June. My wedding is going to be elaborate so therefore I do not expect and over the top shower. My BM have offered to plan it and I told them if money is an issue, we will have it at someone's house and everyone bring a dish! Problem solved...no one will be paying $175? Too much! Ridiculous!

banana468

Nmill, remember that it's really not up to you to talk to your BMs about the shower at all really.  How they handle it is up to them. 

It can be tempting to get involved but the shower is a gift and thrown FOR you but your involvement should really be kept to a minimum.