Can you demote a bridesmaid?

CoraForest

Thanks for your input.

aragx6

If you do this be prepared to lose her as a friend forever.

First you should ask her her budget for a dress. Then, once you've picked one, all you have to do is tell her what dress she needs to order and by what date that has to happen and then leave her alone.

CoraForest

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_can-you-demote-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:de8837fb-79c7-43a6-bef2-e5ae513582adPost:6e7b4c37-9b6b-4f8e-beb2-5c6dd47b5d90">Re: Can you demote a bridesmaid?</a>:
[QUOTE]If you do this be prepared to lose her as a friend forever. First you should ask her her budget for a dress. Then, once you've picked one, all you have to do is tell her what dress she needs to order and by what date that has to happen and then leave her alone.
Posted by aragx6[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>I am buying her dress for her, she doesn't have to do anything but show up in it. But after repeated times asking, she won't give me her size.</div>

mbcdefg

Why do you need to know her dress size? Can't she just order it herself?

Why on earth are you holding MEETINGS? There is absolutely no reason why your wedding should require meetings between the bridesmaids. Ick.

What kind of "timing conflict" are you talking about? If she doesn't show up to the wedding in the correct outfit then you just go on with whoever you have left. You can cancel a bouquet order and a rehearsal dinner/reception meal a day or two before the wedding if you absolutely have to. What other "conflicts" are you thinking there will be?

If you know for a fact that she never wears dresses (especially if it's due to her feelings about gender or something like that), then I'd ease up a bit and see if she wants to wear a nice black pantsuit with a blouse in your color. Otherwise, just say, "Here's the dress that everyone's agreed upon. If you have a compromise in mind I'm willing to hear it, otherwise please order it by [date]." If she doesn't make the ordering deadline and if she can't get a rush dress delivered, then she's taken herself out of the wedding on her own.

No, there's no way to "demote" her to a guest without (a) ruining the friendship and (b) making yourself look like a giant ass in the process. So basically you need to suck it up and deal with her.

jemmini6

Yes, it's extremely rude to 'demote' a bridesmaid, and will more than likely completely end your friendship.

You should have asked her for a budget for the dress and invited her to help select one.  If she couldn't make it shopping, then you could have just given her the style number, color, price, and order deadline and left her to it.  That's it.  As long as she buys the dress and shows up on your wedding day, she has fulfilled her BM duties.

mbcdefg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_can-you-demote-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:de8837fb-79c7-43a6-bef2-e5ae513582adPost:ac14f77f-02d3-4042-9239-277223e81cfc">Re: Can you demote a bridesmaid?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Can you demote a bridesmaid? : I am buying her dress for her, she doesn't have to do anything but show up in it. But after repeated times asking, she won't give me her size.
Posted by CoraForest[/QUOTE]

She's probably embarrassed, then. Tell her to call or visit the salon and tell them her size, and then you will place the order.

mbcdefg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_can-you-demote-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:de8837fb-79c7-43a6-bef2-e5ae513582adPost:f7e627df-238d-4723-bf6a-daa042c47898">Can you demote a bridesmaid?</a>:
[QUOTE]I invited an old friend to be a bridesmaid months ago. She gladly accepted, and she seemed very excited. However, after the initial excitement, she has been complaining ever since about have to wear a dress, <strong>and has neglected to answer my emails in a timely manner</strong> about dress sizes/meeting dates/anything else I need from her. I would still love to have her share this day with me but I'm thinking now maybe she would be better suited as a regular guest, or at least in a role other than a bridesmaid. Is it rude to ask her to step down at this point? If I did, how would I go about doing it? My wedding is getting close and I'm afraid her lack of cooperation will turn into a timing conflict. Any advice?
Posted by CoraForest[/QUOTE]

Have you tried picking up the phone and calling her?

aragx6

With your wedding coming up in August I understand why you're starting to get antsy.

Call her and tell her that the dress must be ordered by [date] or it won't be in in time. If she still doesn't take care of it she'll have removed herself and she'll look bad and not you.

Is it possible she has something personal going on that you're unaware of? Is she usually flakey?

CoraForest

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_can-you-demote-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:de8837fb-79c7-43a6-bef2-e5ae513582adPost:00ebbbc0-d19e-4f10-902f-de69d8383376">Re: Can you demote a bridesmaid?</a>:
[QUOTE]Why do you need to know her dress size? Can't she just order it herself? Why on earth are you holding MEETINGS? There is absolutely no reason why your wedding should require meetings between the bridesmaids. Ick. What kind of "timing conflict" are you talking about? If she doesn't show up to the wedding in the correct outfit then you just go on with whoever you have left. You can cancel a bouquet order and a rehearsal dinner/reception meal a day or two before the wedding if you absolutely have to. What other "conflicts" are you thinking there will be? If you know for a fact that she never wears dresses (especially if it's due to her feelings about gender or something like that), then I'd ease up a bit and see if she wants to wear a nice black pantsuit with a blouse in your color. Otherwise, just say, "Here's the dress that everyone's agreed upon. If you have a compromise in mind I'm willing to hear it, otherwise please order it by [date]." If she doesn't make the ordering deadline and if she can't get a rush dress delivered, then she's taken herself out of the wedding on her own. No, there's no way to "demote" her to a guest without (a) ruining the friendship and (b) making yourself look like a giant ass in the process. So basically you need to suck it up and deal with her.
Posted by mbcdefg[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>I asked her to "meet" so we could shop for a dress together, so we could discuss price/size/style in person, since we haven't seen each other in a year I thought it would be a fun experience to have with her and since she won't reply to my calls or emails anyway so we obviously can't do it that way. I was planning to take all of my bridesmaids dress shopping, because I'm not ordering formal bridesmaids dresses, just simple summer dresses. I thought this would be a nice thing to do with them, but I can't arrange it without having a date to "MEET" with her since she is my only bridesmaid living out of town. I made it clear to her that I would try to find something she was comfortable with, but if I can't talk to her at all about it, what am I supposed to do?</div><div>
</div><div>But thank you for your understanding and thoughtful imput.</div>

Maggie0829

Well since you are paying for the dress you can guestimate her size and buy what you want.  While it is nice to have their input in the dress since they have to wear it, if a BM isn't interested then just pick what you want.

To me it doesn't seem like this BM really cares what dress she wears or dress shopping in general.  This is perfectly fine and does not mean you can demote her for this.  Some girls just aren't into weddings or shopping (if you can believe it).

Let her know that on X day you are going shopping with your WP for BM dresses.  If she shows, she shows, if not then purchase what you think would look best on her and move on.

TiffannieF

Like other's have said, give her the salon name/number and have her send in measurements and the dead line...if she hasn't then she has removed herself from the WP.

I highly recommend NOT to demote anybody...that would be very hurtful, which I think your gut is telling you. 

Try getting some time together with out talking about the wedding and focus on repairing/rebuilding your friendship.

mbcdefg

OK, well, the word "meeting" usually refers to a group of people gathered together in a formal discussion. I'm glad that that wasn't what you meant, but surely you can see why I thought you were referring to that.

You said you haven't seen her in a year. I think the problem here is that you may have thought that asking her to be your bridesmaid would change the friendship. Unfortunately, that's not the case. People will never change their ways because of your wedding. If she never made the effort to hang out with you in the past year then she's not going to do so now ... and vice versa.

If you've tried to get in touch with her multiple ways, and she just won't reply, then leave her a voicemail and an e-mail saying, "I need you to contact me, or the salon (include the phone number), with your dress size by [date]. I will be placing the order the next day with whoever has submitted her information. If you don't meet that deadline and don't contact me prior to that about other arrangements, then I cannot pay for the dress. After that point, you are welcome to contact the salon and see if they will rush-order you a dress for an extra fee, which I will unfortunately not be able to pay for you. Please let me know by [final date, maybe a month before the wedding] if you were able to get the dress, otherwise I will assume that you'll be attending as a guest."

Or, like someone else said, you can make an estimation of her size and order it for her, and then she'll have to deal with the alterations herself. If she complains about the size being wrong, just say, "Well, I asked you for your size" and then ignore her.

You can leave the ball in her court as to whether she wants to be a bridesmaid or a guest (this is what I would suggest). Or you can tell her that you're done with the friendship and you don't want her at your wedding in any capacity. 

But there's no way to say, "I'm kicking you out of the bridal party but you can attend as a guest" without making a gigantic mess of things and making yourself look REALLY bad ... either she's a friend and you let her make the decision herself, or she's no longer a friend and you uninvite her from the ENTIRE wedding and your life. No in-between. She's either a friend or she's not.

TiffannieF

OP, most of us think its useless and rude to DD your post...you've been quoted so you can't "take back" what you wrote.

mattycam

"Can you demote a bridesmaid?"


No

CoraForest

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_can-you-demote-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:de8837fb-79c7-43a6-bef2-e5ae513582adPost:85f4e3d3-4d8f-4a34-83ad-3ac4a1676bea">Re: Can you demote a bridesmaid?</a>:
[QUOTE]OP, most of us think its useless and rude to DD your post...you've been quoted so you can't "take back" what you wrote.
Posted by TiffannieF[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>I apologize, I do not frequent message boards and was not aware that there were rules for it...I had my answer, I took it down because I no longer wanted/needed feedback. But thanks, I'll keep your message board etiquette in mind if I ever feel the need to ask a public opinion again.</div>

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_can-you-demote-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:de8837fb-79c7-43a6-bef2-e5ae513582adPost:f49e5f33-bc2d-4f22-b6e5-6217f9c39a8d">Re: Can you demote a bridesmaid?</a>:
[QUOTE]DD is so rude!
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

<div>or childish...</div>

TinaMarie3

My opinion:  Your wedding is a day to celebrate two people and their families joining together.  ONE DAY.  First, I'm sure you made clear what responsibilities a bridesmaid has when you asked this person to be your bridesmaid.  Second, if your bridesmaid isn't willing to support you on a very special day in your life and is causing more stress to your planning, I think she made her own choice to be demoted.  She is supposed to help cater to you, not the other way around.  Wedding planning is difficult and stressful!

OBX2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_can-you-demote-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:de8837fb-79c7-43a6-bef2-e5ae513582adPost:ff0bdb9f-adef-4fdb-b237-9865ba105eca">Re: Can you demote a bridesmaid?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Can you demote a bridesmaid? : I apologize, I do not frequent message boards and was not aware that there were rules for it...I had my answer, I took it down because I no longer wanted/needed feedback. But thanks, <strong>I'll keep your message board etiquette in mind if I ever feel the need to ask a public opinion again.
</strong>Posted by CoraForest[/QUOTE]

Sometimes it's helpful when the OP leaves the question up in case another bride has a similar situation and can read some of the responses given, which may help her out in the long run.

Relax.  No one is out to get you ;)

CoraForest

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_can-you-demote-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:de8837fb-79c7-43a6-bef2-e5ae513582adPost:696c3cca-0f7a-41ac-8029-606b7a6f864b">Re: Can you demote a bridesmaid?</a>:
[QUOTE]My opinion:  Your wedding is a day to celebrate two people and their families joining together.  ONE DAY.  First, I'm sure you made clear what responsibilities a bridesmaid has when you asked this person to be your bridesmaid.  Second, if your bridesmaid isn't willing to support you on a very special day in your life and is causing more stress to your planning, I think she made her own choice to be demoted.  She is supposed to help cater to you, not the other way around.  Wedding planning is difficult and stressful!
Posted by TinaMarie3[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>I agree, it is extremely difficult to plan events like rehearsals or showers involving the whole wedding party when I have one who is ignoring me. I feel like I have no choice but to start planning things without her. </div>

CoraForest

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_can-you-demote-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:de8837fb-79c7-43a6-bef2-e5ae513582adPost:c01461aa-4507-48a5-bb3d-f0b6127e4798">Re: Can you demote a bridesmaid?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Can you demote a bridesmaid? : Sometimes it's helpful when the OP leaves the question up in case another bride has a similar situation and can read some of the responses given, which may help her out in the long run. Relax.  No one is out to get you ;)
Posted by OBX2011[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Okay, I will keep this in mind. The original post is still in the thread so it can still be read in its entirety. But in the future I will leave them up. Thanks! =) </div>

CoraForest

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_can-you-demote-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:de8837fb-79c7-43a6-bef2-e5ae513582adPost:1c336b8b-a27f-4513-a809-2200db1f200b">Re: Can you demote a bridesmaid?</a>:
[QUOTE]Please do not follow Tina Marie's very bad advice. The tradition of bridesmaids is rooted in superstition.  The bride's friends accompanied her to church in order to confuse watching demons as the the bride's identity, so they couldn't curse her marriage.  The custom evolved into a way to honor special friends and relatives.  Don't believe what the wedding industry tells you about wedding parties.  The only thing you should do with those lists of duties that you see on wedding websites and in bridal mags is throw them in the trash.   Weddings are very much an industry, which does its best to convince you, from cradle onward, that this is The! Most! Important! Day! Of! Your! Life! and that it's all about you, the bride. They want your friends to believe that they're "bad" friends if they aren't willing to spend, spend, spend on attire, jewelry, shoes, and parties.  All those things pump more money back into the industry.  <strong> Stop and ask yourself a question: did I ask my bridesmaids to be in my wedding because I wouldn't dream of getting married unless they were standing beside me? Or did I  pick them because of what I think they'll do for me?</strong>   Their real responsibility: get the dress and show up sober for the wedding.   Your real responsibility: get married.   Remember that the wedding industry is finished with you once the wedding is over. They can't make more money off you, so could care less if you offended your friends and trashed your relationships over the One Perfect Day they spent millions in advertising to convince you was your right   Ask your fiance if you need help with wedding planning.   You’re marrying him, not your bridesmaids.  Wedding parties are NOT there to "support" the couple, because weddings don't need "support."  "Support" is for tragedies, not happy occasions like a wedding.  People don't need "support" when they're happy.  If the wedding needs "support", then something is wrong and the couple needs marriage counseling.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>
</div><div>Just on a personal note, I wasn't asking her to do anything but show up in the dress, and spend some time together before the wedding. I did not ask her for support, or to buy a single thing, not even the dress, or to help with planning, or anything else, I just asked her to share the day with me because she was a good friend. My only question (which again, sorry for DD, or whatever, don't even know what that stands for.) was if she isn't answering messages or emails, and so I can't make any arrangements whatsoever to get her the dress, or to meet with her at any point before the wedding for any reason at all, is it okay to not have her as a bridesmaid anymore. Weddings are special days and I do not think there is anything wrong with making a big deal out of it. No, I don't think they require tons of money or anything extravagant, but finding someone that you love and want to share your entire life with is something that deserves a celebration. I just wanted to celebrate with people who I thought would share my joy. But if they don't want to, I see no reason to push them farther. And if she doesn't want to be a bridesmaid, and instead of not telling me is just ignoring me, clearly I was overestimating the depth of the friendship, and I see no reason to ask her to stand next to me on such an important day.</div><div>
</div>

CoraForest

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_can-you-demote-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:de8837fb-79c7-43a6-bef2-e5ae513582adPost:78c77964-a3e9-4321-80c8-0d148b0b335c">Re: Can you demote a bridesmaid?</a>:
[QUOTE]Your wedding is in August.  She's got plenty of time to get a dress. Give your BM the info to get their dresses.  Then leave it alone.  If they don't get their dresses, then they've taken themselves out of the wedding, and you proceed as planned. You're five months away from the wedding. Just what do you think she should be doing at this point?
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>It's three months away, actually. And I think it would be nice if she would talk to me, if nothing else.</div>