FSIL called me names

Jaymes1010

My FI family does not approve of our marraige due to different religions. Over the 2 years we have been together they have called me names, made it clear I was unwelcome, and attempted to bribe my fiance with a house if he left me. He stopped speaking to his family for about 6 months and then his mother finally gave up and said I was welcome to be apart of family functions. His sister asked to start over and I agreed. Things have been great for about 6 months. So great that I asked his 3 sisters to be my bridesmaids. I did it more as a kind gesture than really wanting them to be bridesmaids, but I asked non the less (I wrote poems and made a big deal of asking them).
My FI family wanted us to have a religious ceremony separate from the non religious ceremony we had planned and we agreed. When they found out we planned to have the religious ceremony after they lost it. My FI explained our reasoning and they seemed to move on. We were wrong. His sister started contacting me about it stating that it was me forcing my FI to make the decision. I nicely explained that we wanted our first ceremony to be at the location we chose and since their religous clergy was unwilling to preform the ceremony at our location the religious ceremony would have to be after. My FSIL spent hours and over 500 texts trying to bully me into changing our wedding. I stayed nice but firm. She is used to bullying people into doing what she wants and I will not put up with it. When I stopped responding to her she eventually gave up. My FI told her not to contact me about the matter again and then she started in on him.

The next day she emailed me trying to bully me again. I texted her and said she may not speak to me that way and that I did not want her to text me again about the matter. She then went on for about an hour calling me names and saying her family never liked me and they always knew I would ruin my FI life. That I have tricked him into marrying me. She also informed me she would not be my bridesmaid.  I didn't even respond but that didn't stop her from going on and on.

My FI confronteted her again and she started in on him. There was just no stopping her,

I don't know what to do. I feel stupid for ever even trusting any of them. I don't want any of them at our wedding or being a part of our lives at all but I feel bad telling my FI that because its still his family. I am so hurt and I don't know what to do.

hlq2011

I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

The one girl has removed herself, so that's done.  Don't kick out the others based on her actions, or it will probably only serve to make your life even worse.  If they don't want to stand up for you, they don't have to.

Tell your FI how hurt you are by the way they've acted.  Be honest with him. 

It's good that he's standing up for you; it just sucks that he can't get them to listen to him, either.

Don't talk wedding with them, and try to keep your distance.  Maybe someone else will have better advice for you.

jilld82

You really should only be having one ceremony.  One wedding, one day.  Be done with it.

Pick the wedding you both want and hope you have his families blessing.

mbcdefg

I don't know why you responded to her more than once, or why you didn't have her number blocked after she sent you 500 texts.

Anyway, your FI needs to take the lead on this one. He needs to either tell her that she must keep absolutely silent and behaved at the wedding or she'll be escorted out (and that's a really iffy decision, in my opinion); or she is not welcome to the wedding or to be in your lives in any capacity from now on.

I can understand not wanting to force him to cut off his family ... but you also can't marry a man who allows anyone to treat you like shiit. If he doesn't step up on his own and end this once and for all, I would really rethink marrying him.

Jaymes1010

Unfortunately we did pick the wedding we want and they have made it very clear we don't have their blessing.

Jaymes1010

He has tried to end it and there seems to be no controlling them. We have tried everything. Things had been great the past few months and we thought it had finally worked but clearly hadn't. Neither of us know what to do to make them stop.

hlq2011

It's unfortunate, but you have to live with that decision.  And I agree with PP who said you shouldn't have two weddings.  Does the clergy know you're getting legally married first?

Jaymes1010

The clergy refuses to do the ceremony after the fact. He said it is a sin. Our wedding is 4 hours away and he is unwilling to travel to preform the ceremony.

vicki0508

If it's a sin, why are you going ahead with the second ceremony? 

Jaymes1010

We were unaware it was a sin. No one had told us and I guess I assumed a religious ceremony was welcomed at any point in a marraige.

AshleyWinnipeg

This is a sticky situation, I dont have any good adivce to offer but I will say Good Luck!

hlq2011

Okay, so you're not doing a second ceremony at all?  Just trying to clarify.

Beyond that, all you can do is keep your distance.  Don't respond to their texts; don't answer their calls.  If your FI wants to, that's his decision, but just stay the hell away from them yourself.

mbcdefg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_fsil-called-names?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:dfc09096-5f3b-42e9-be4d-159f7ec4d6fePost:0440c58e-a172-422c-9cc2-c2deb71ffb00">Re: FSIL called me names</a>:
[QUOTE]He has tried to end it and there seems to be no controlling them. We have tried everything. Things had been great the past few months and we thought it had finally worked but clearly hadn't. Neither of us know what to do to make them stop.
Posted by Jaymes1010[/QUOTE]

If you don't respond to her calls/e-mails/texts, don't allow her into your home, don't visit his parents if she's there, change your phone numbers and the locks on your home if she has a spare key, that should be effective. You need to ACTUALLY cut her out of your lives, not keep contacting her and saying, "You'd better behave this time!" 

If she is really harrassing you and you're honestly doing everything to avoid her, file a restraining order.

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_fsil-called-names?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:dfc09096-5f3b-42e9-be4d-159f7ec4d6fePost:37fbe7f2-6073-4adc-bd4a-a19dc4d95bf9">Re: FSIL called me names</a>:
[QUOTE]We were unaware it was a sin. No one had told us and I guess I assumed a religious ceremony was welcomed at any point in a marraige.
Posted by Jaymes1010[/QUOTE]

If you want to go through with the religious marriage, get all the details before you go any further in the planning.

If you don't want to have a religious marriage (which is fine), then have the wedding YOU want, and his family can either STFU and accept it, or they can remove themselves from your lives and not attend the wedding.

You need to stop bending over backward to please these people. If you have to change who you are in order to gain someone's approval, then that's not real love or acceptance. That is manipulation. And you can do every single thing they ask of you and you will STILL not earn their true love. They will just see that they can control you, and they will demand more and more of you. It is never going to end.

trix1223

If you're old enough to get married, you and your FI have to be able to say, calmly but with authority,  to your FILs:  "We know a religious ceremony is important to you all, but it simply isn't to us.  We're having the wedding that reflects us, and we hope you'll come to a point of understanding and perhaps even acceptance.

But we need for you to know that we are not going to discuss this anymore.  If you bring it up, we will not respond.  If you continue to bring it up, we will leave."  And then do it.

If they bring it up, remind them once that you said you were done discussing it, and if they persist, leave the room.  If it's on the phone, hang up.  If they continue to call and/or text, block their calls.

You need to stand your ground now.  If they're like this over your wedding, I want you to begin to imagine how they're going to be if children are in your future.  Issues like baptisms, relitgious education, confirmations, attending church are all going to be an even bigger deal that this is.

Good luck to you.  I think you're going to need it.

oceana919

1) Is there any reason that a different clergy member that is local to your venue, but of the same faith as FI's family, can't perform the ceremony where you want it?

2) If not, can you have a faith-based ceremony performed by a state-recognized person (judge, officiant, notary, whatever) that at least somewhat accomodates your IL's faith? (we did this)

You need to have the wedding that reflects you and your FI. Not everyone is going to necessarily agree with or approve of your choices, but it's not their wedding - it's yours.

Yes, you should try to accomodate those things/wishes that are important to each of your families, but those accomodations shouldn't come at the cost of doing what you and your FI feel in your heart is best for you and your relationship.

If mature adult wedding-related conversations between you and your FI's family are an impossibility, then you need to not have them anymore. If they bring up the wedding, simply change the subject or tell them you're not comfortable discussing whatever they want to discuss. If they persist, leave the room/disconnect the phone call/ignore the texts/emails, whatever you need to do.

Any conversations that are wedding-related and necessary for your FIL's to be included in need to be between your FI and his family. Your FI can make an adult decision as to how much he's willing to take from his family and what he's willing to take. You need to stay as far away from it as possible.

jemmini6

I'm really sorry you are dealing with this.  I can't imagine having my FI's family hate me over something so stupid as religion (I'm not saying religion is stupid, but hating you as a person because you don't share their same beliefs is).

I agree with Trix on this.  You need to be firm and actually follow through on whatever reprocussions you give them for acting out of line.  It sucks, but if you bend to their will now, it will only get worse as you start having children.  Good luck.

kmmssg

Sing it Trix!!  She is spot on with her advice.  If you and FI stick to your boundaries, and walk away when they try to intrude, sooner or later something will give.  It may be FI cutting them out of his life for awhile.

Jaymes1010

Thank you for all of the advice!!

lbow1984

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_fsil-called-names?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:dfc09096-5f3b-42e9-be4d-159f7ec4d6fePost:96677e70-9402-4f16-b0b3-d77196f87372">Re: FSIL called me names</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm really sorry you are dealing with this.  I can't imagine having my FI's family hate me over something so stupid as religion (I'm not saying religion is stupid, but hating you as a person because you don't share their same beliefs is). I agree with Trix on this.  You need to be firm and actually follow through on whatever reprocussions you give them for acting out of line.  It sucks, but if you bend to their will now, it will only get worse as you start having children.  Good luck.
Posted by jemmini6[/QUOTE]

I agree about not bending now.  I have a somewhat similar situation in that my FMIL at one point threatened to not come to our ceremony if I didn't convert to their religion and get married in the church. 

However now they realize it's not going to happen and she's cool (relatively speaking) with the situation, but there are still times that things come up or are said and it's just a bite your tongue kind of scenario, but in the end you have to what you want or else you'll find yourself settling when you have kids like Jemmini said.

doeie04

I would elope! That is my two cents! I wouldn't put up with them, and would go get married and not tell any of them anything until after it is done. I would even go the extra mile and invite some of your family if you wanted. (not really eloping, but similar.)  That way they can't crash your wedding, which I can see happening. Good luck. This is horrible!

Enami

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_fsil-called-names?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:dfc09096-5f3b-42e9-be4d-159f7ec4d6fePost:7954553a-9c65-4a82-8837-22dea68e67db">Re: FSIL called me names</a>:
[QUOTE]You really should only be having one ceremony.  One wedding, one day.  Be done with it. Pick the wedding you both want and hope you have his families blessing.
Posted by jilld82[/QUOTE]

I agree with you normally, but not on the matter of religious vs. non-religious ceremonies. I would never have "just" a ceremony in a faith I was not a part of, nor would I expect my FI to have a ceremony in "just" my faith. Having a spiritual component to our wedding is a must. But we know we can't find a pastor to hold a joint ceremony, so us having to ceremonies in two seperate beliefs was our first thought. We've since settled on having a spiritual but not religious ceremony, thus only having one, so neither of us is "trumping" the others religious beliefs. I guess these are the things you consider when having a an inter-religious relationship that you don't even think about when you're both of the same faith.

If you were having two ceremonies because of some superficial reason, that's tacky. Having a religious and non-religious isn't; one can be the legal aspect, the other the spiritual. This just doesn't seem bad to me.

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_fsil-called-names?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:dfc09096-5f3b-42e9-be4d-159f7ec4d6fePost:84bdd384-50d6-4f68-82d8-c0bf27a6b149">Re: FSIL called me names</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: FSIL called me names : I agree with you normally, but not on the matter of religious vs. non-religious ceremonies. I would never have "just" a ceremony in a faith I was not a part of, nor would I expect my FI to have a ceremony in "just" my faith. Having a spiritual component to our wedding is a must. But we know we can't find a pastor to hold a joint ceremony, so us having to ceremonies in two seperate beliefs was our first thought. We've since settled on having a spiritual but not religious ceremony, thus only having one, so neither of us is "trumping" the others religious beliefs. I guess these are the things you consider when having a an inter-religious relationship that you don't even think about when you're both of the same faith. If you were having two ceremonies because of some superficial reason, that's tacky. Having a religious and non-religious isn't; one can be the legal aspect, the other the spiritual. This just doesn't seem bad to me.
Posted by Enami[/QUOTE]

<div>But she already said the second ceremony was for the ILs, not the FI.  The two of them had already decided on the secular ceremony that they were happy with.  But even if they weren't, it still would be obnoxious to have a second ceremony after the fact, because there is no reason why you can't blend the two faiths, or add faith into the legal ceremony.</div><div>
</div><div>Honestly, I think agreeing to do the second ceremony was a huge mistake.  You showed his mother than if she tries, she can get you to do whatever she wants.  Now it's just about seeing how far they can push you.</div><div>
</div><div>You need to cancel the second ceremony, let him know that you are having the ceremony that the two of you originally decided that you wanted (with as much or as little religion as you need) and that the matter is closed.  And then do what PP said, and just stop talking to this sister, and block her number if necessary.  Your FI really needs to be the one to make the decision about whether or not to cut them out of his life, but there is no reason for you to have any more contact with this sister.</div>