Scared of GM...

starlite21l

Okay, so my FI and I have very few close friends because we have moved around a lot in the last few years.  He has told me he wants one of his friends to be a groomsman however I am not happy with this decision.  Let me explain.   While I am not very close to this guy he makes me very uncomfortable.  The first time I met him he made an inappropriate comment about females which rubbed me the wrong way.   Had I known him for years fine but just meeting someone I feel like you need to wait a bit to get to know a person’s character.  Every time we are all together he talks about the awkward ways he has approached girls to date, nearly stalking.  I feel like he is just somewhat socially awkward and worry about what could happen.  I have tried to explain to my FI that he makes me uncomfortable but he doesn’t understand.  He just says, “so are you trying to tell me you don’t want me only close friend to be in our wedding?”  I don’t know what to do in this situation.  Thoughts?    

frogurt814

I don't know the guy so I don't really know what to tell you.  However, I do know that some people just don't have a filter.  My H is one of those people.  Pretty much whatever he thinks, he says.  I call it word vomit.   Anyway, it wouldn't matter if he knew someone for 10 seconds or 10 years.  The kinds of jokes he would make would still be the same.

I guess my advice would be that you don't get a say in who your FI chooses as his GMs.  Unless the guy has made sexual advances towards you or has raped someone or something, I think you should just let it go.  The wedding is just one day.  It's not like your FI is going to stop hanging out with this guy all together so why does it matter if he's a GM?  They will still be friends regardless of GM status.

mbcdefg

"Socially awkward" is one thing. "Dangerous" is quite another.

Just from what you've said, this guy doesn't sound dangerous. He just sounds like a weirdo. I've known plenty of people like this - people who make awkward statements, weird guys who constantly talk about girls (and you KNOW they can't get a girl to come within 10 feet of them because they're so weird), people I've met for the first time who suddenly start telling me about their hard drug binges or sexual escapades - and even though I'd rather jam a fork through my eyeball than talk to them, they're not bad or dangerous people. They're just oddballs. All it usually does is just make for a funny story later on.

Unless he's done something physically to threaten you or make you really uncomfortable, I think you need to overlook his weird qualities and keep your mouth shut. What are you afraid that he's going to do? Hit on girls at the reception and make them feel weird? That's not a crime, and that's not a reflection on you or your FI. And if you insist that he not be a groomsman but he still attends the wedding as a guest, that's not going to stop his weird behavior.

Just from what you've written, I would chill out. You don't need to spend all day talking to him if he's a groomsman, and you don't need to be his buddy. Be polite if he talks to you, but find a gracious way to change the subject or go talk to someone else. Maybe clue your MOH in to the situation and if you shoot her a subtle signal then she can come "rescue" you if you get stuck talking to this guy.

If he does something dangerous or abusive to someone during your engagement, then by all means talk to your FI about it. But hopefully your FI has the decency and common sense to dump someone as a friend once they start exhibiting awful behavior like that.

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_scared-of-gm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e08620fb-5725-42e0-912a-704d7ce541cdPost:e4794bac-a66a-4b07-b878-69ebba7eaa3e">Scared of GM...</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay, so my FI and I have very few close friends because we have moved around a lot in the last few years.   He has told me he wants one of his friends to be a groomsman however I am not happy with this decision.   Let me explain.    While I am not very close to this guy he makes me very uncomfortable.   The first time I met him he made an inappropriate comment about females which rubbed me the wrong way.     Had I known him for years fine but just meeting someone I feel like you need to wait a bit to get to know a person’s character.   Every time we are all together he talks about the awkward ways he has approached girls to date, nearly stalking.   I feel like he is just somewhat socially awkward and worry about what could happen.   I have tried to explain to my FI that he makes me uncomfortable but he doesn’t understand.   He just says, “so are you trying to tell me you don’t want me only close friend to be in our wedding?”   I don’t know what to do in this situation.   Thoughts?     
Posted by ludachris315[/QUOTE]

Everything mbcdefg said.

If he had actually given you reason to be SCARED, I'd be wondering why your FI still even considered him a friend. However it sounds like he's just kind of weird, and he makes you feel UNCOMFORTABLE (your word in your post). Uncomfortable doesn't mean he's dangerous, just that he's not someone you choose as a friend, and your FI's GMs don't have to be people that you would choose as friends.

I think you just need to get over this one.

suz62984

I completely agree with Emily. You don't get to choose his wedding party like he doesn't get to choose yours. He seems to have made his feelings about having this guy as a GM clear. Sure he may make you uncomfortable, but that is completely different than being dangerous. I know a four lettered C-word and a 5 lettered P-word that make a lot of girls uncomfortable; i've said them before. It doesn't mean i'm dangerous...just that I can make girls around me uncomfortable because I said a "forbidden" word.

starlite21l

The one issue that concerns me is that about a year ago he was out

with a group of hockey players at a bar.  The group of men continuously groped an intoxicated female.  From what this guy says the girl, “loved it”.  From what he says he did not participate but my issue is that he did not stop them.  Being a girl if I was an intoxicated I would no appreciate being groped especially by a group of men.  I would hope that someone would step in and say, “This is not right can you not see she is inebriated and not in the frame of mind to object?”

Licia&Wayne

On the same line as what everyone else has said: There is a huge difference between someone embarrassing you or making you uncomfortable due to his lack of social graces than someone doing something that should make you afraid. I'm curious to know what was said that made you scared of him, or if that was just a poor choice of wording.

I agree with the common sentiment of just cooling your jets on this one. It doesn't sound like the friend has done anything wrong other than being a social doofus. If he really makes you uncomfortable in social situation by the things he says to you, than you're well within your right to say, "Hmmm...why don't we talk about something else?" But he's your fiance's close friend, he wants him in the WP, and you can't deny him that.  

Edit: OP, you posted your response while I was typing mine. I agree, that behavior is unacceptable, and it doesn't seem like he has the social filter to understand there's no reason to brag about watching something like that happen. Has he participated in behavior like that around you? If not, it just seems like something stupid he witnessed and doesn't realize there's no reason to boast about it.

suz62984

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_scared-of-gm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:e08620fb-5725-42e0-912a-704d7ce541cdPost:66837ef1-b3bd-40c0-9e3d-6ecf9a4408b5">Re: Scared of GM...</a>:
[QUOTE]The one issue that concerns me is that about a year ago he was out with a group of hockey players at a bar.   The group of men continuously groped an intoxicated female.   From what this guy says the girl, “loved it”.   From what he says he did not participate but my issue is that he did not stop them.   Being a girl if I was an intoxicated I would no appreciate being groped especially by a group of men.   I would hope that someone would step in and say, “This is not right can you not see she is inebriated and not in the frame of mind to object?”
Posted by ludachris315[/QUOTE]

He didn't participate - good. He didn't stop them - not great but no one else in the bar did either. No <em>YOU </em>wouldn't appreciate being groped but some girls do. Trust me on this. I've seen all kinds of crap go on as a bartender. I've only stepped in on two occasions. One - the girl passed out and the guy literally picked her up and was taking her out of the bar for a good time. Two - a guy/girl got into a fight and he hit her. Sadly, people just don't step in during bad situations. That's why it is up to you, and you alone, to go out, be responsible, don't get carried away, set boundaries, and take care of yourself. NEVER go out with the expectations that someone, stranger or otherwise, will take care of you. It just doesn't happen that way in the real world.

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_scared-of-gm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e08620fb-5725-42e0-912a-704d7ce541cdPost:66837ef1-b3bd-40c0-9e3d-6ecf9a4408b5">Re: Scared of GM...</a>:
[QUOTE]The one issue that concerns me is that about a year ago he was out with a group of hockey players at a bar.   The group of men continuously groped an intoxicated female.   From what this guy says the girl, “loved it”.   From what he says he did not participate but my issue is that he did not stop them.   Being a girl if I was an intoxicated I would no appreciate being groped especially by a group of men.   I would hope that someone would step in and say, “This is not right can you not see she is inebriated and not in the frame of mind to object?”
Posted by ludachris315[/QUOTE]
Had he participated, I'd see your point.  But still not enough.  Sorry.  Just like your FI might be annoyed by some of your friends or things they do, and still sucks it up for your sake, your'e going to have to do the same here.  <div>
</div><div>The bottom line is that he is your FI's friend and he wants him as a GM.  Just like your FI doesn't get veto power over the BMs, you don't get veto power over the GM.  Now if this guy had hurt or threatened you, totally tell FI that you don't feel comfortable around him PERIOD because that goes beyond the wedding.  But to just say, "I just don't like being around him," is not enough.  Besides, at the wedding, 100 different people will pull you in 100 different directions and you won't be able to spend any time with him anyway, even if you wanted to.</div>

mbcdefg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_scared-of-gm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:e08620fb-5725-42e0-912a-704d7ce541cdPost:66837ef1-b3bd-40c0-9e3d-6ecf9a4408b5">Re: Scared of GM...</a>:
[QUOTE]The one issue that concerns me is that about a year ago he was out with a group of hockey players at a bar.   The group of men continuously groped an intoxicated female.   From what this guy says the girl, “loved it”.   From what he says he did not participate but my issue is that he did not stop them.   Being a girl if I was an intoxicated I would no appreciate being groped especially by a group of men.   I would hope that someone would step in and say, “This is not right can you not see she is inebriated and not in the frame of mind to object?”
Posted by ludachris315[/QUOTE]

Seriously? <em>This</em> is your beef with the guy?

This dude wasn't involved. The girl apparently did not complain or scream for help. That doesn't make it a good thing, but if there isn't obvious abuse going on (and especially if it appears to be consentual) then it's not this guy's place to step in. Some people are just skeevy by nature and enjoy this sort of thing. Just because you find fault with it doesn't mean that everyone else has to. Some girls just enjoy being slutty, unfortunately.

You really need to chill out.

SassyBrass

Plus, if I was a guy and saw this going on, I probably wouldn't step in and stop it if she looked like she was okay with it. I mean, at the risk of getting the crap kicked out of me by a group of guys? Yeah, I'd leave it alone too.
Plus I agree with going out and expecting someone else to take care of you. Pretty unlikely to happen, though it sounds like a nice thing.

Maybe this guy is socially akward, or just weird, but whether he's at your wedding as a guest, a groomsman or otherwise, he's still going to be the same person.
If most of the girls at your wedding are able to stand up for themselves, they will handle it just fine. It's probably not the first guy they've had to say no to.
I would let this go for now unless something really messed up happened.

emilyinchile

So basically he's not an angel. He might also be kind of an ass. But there's a long way between watching your friends get touchy with a girl and actually doing something violent to a girl yourself. The latter is a legitimate reason not to have the guy around on your wedding day, the former is just yet another reason that he is not your personal friend. He is, however, your FI's friend, so I'm going to repeat my advice:

Get over it.

aerinpegadrak

Sorry, I think you're way overreacting.  Besides, even if you personally have an issue with one of the GM, I guarantee that you will have little to no contact with him on your wedding day.  Guarantee it.

heyimbren

Unless you're planning on getting extremely intoxicated on your wedding day, and this same group of guys will be there hoping to grope you and you believe no one will stop them, I'd follow the PP advice and just leave it.

You'll barely have to deal with him that day. Respect the wishes of your FI.

jenn.daniel

He might be a jerk, but I still don't see a reason to be afraid of him.  I highly doubt many guys would intervene on a situation like that.  Also, lots of guys are weird about how the approach women.  I know guys who immediately fall head over heals for a girl and come on too strong.  Before I met one of FI's friends, he warned me that JC made horrible first impressions, especially with women.  JC has no filter - that's just how he is, but when I realized that, I had no problem with him.

Unless he's done anything inappropriate toward you, stop worrying about him.

redheadfsu

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_scared-of-gm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:e08620fb-5725-42e0-912a-704d7ce541cdPost:66837ef1-b3bd-40c0-9e3d-6ecf9a4408b5">Re: Scared of GM...</a>:
[QUOTE]The one issue that concerns me is that about a year ago he was out with a group of hockey players at a bar.   The group of men continuously groped an intoxicated female.   From what this guy says the girl, “loved it”.   From what he says he did not participate but my issue is that he did not stop them.   Being a girl if I was an intoxicated I would no appreciate being groped especially by a group of men.   I would hope that someone would step in and say, “This is not right can you not see she is inebriated and not in the frame of mind to object?”
Posted by ludachris315[/QUOTE]

This happens a lot in bars, so I'm not sure why you are scared. He didn't do anything. He didn't even grope her. Doesn't sound like security, bartenders, or the police were involved/ tried to stop it. So I doubt it was against her will.

You are overreacting, unless what you really meant was something like: He watched a screaming/crying girl get groped against her will and no one else could have helped her.

duckie1905

I think being scared of him is a pretty big overreaction and you need to chill.

mbcdefg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_scared-of-gm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e08620fb-5725-42e0-912a-704d7ce541cdPost:66837ef1-b3bd-40c0-9e3d-6ecf9a4408b5">Re: Scared of GM...</a>:
[QUOTE]I would hope that someone would step in and say,<strong> “This is not right can you not see she is inebriated and not in the frame of mind to object?”</strong>
Posted by ludachris315[/QUOTE]

I'm picturing a guy in a top hat and a monacle saying this.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_scared-of-gm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e08620fb-5725-42e0-912a-704d7ce541cdPost:f28242e6-11a7-4207-8095-02bb8078f2d4">Re: Scared of GM...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Scared of GM... : I'm picturing a guy in a top hat and a monacle saying this.
Posted by mbcdefg[/QUOTE]
No joke.  I think that's how Dr. Watson broke up bar fights.  I'm guessing OP doesn't hang out in many bars...

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_scared-of-gm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e08620fb-5725-42e0-912a-704d7ce541cdPost:66837ef1-b3bd-40c0-9e3d-6ecf9a4408b5">Re: Scared of GM...</a>:
[QUOTE]I would hope that someone would step in and say, “This is not right can you not see she is inebriated and not in the frame of mind to object?”
Posted by ludachris315[/QUOTE]
This is how DH and I got together.  I'm only half-joking.

starlite21l

I couldn't think of a good way to phrase it.  I was trying to type it out fast while I was at work.  I didn't have the time to come up with the perfect "bar phrases".  I am aware that people don't normally talk like that.

bablingbrooke

All comments and joking aside about the phrasing, would you really be okay with your FI telling you that he was not okay with your BFF being a BM and that she needed to be kicked out?  Would you honestly be okay with that?  Would you still feel the same way about him?  There is no double-standard here; it goes both ways.

starlite21l

No, I understand what everyone is saying.  I guess as long as I don't really have to really interact with him I will be fine.  I can handle being civil if that is what my FI wants.  Thanks for the words of wisdom everyone!

christy29322

Please don't leave this guy out. My FI was left out of his best friend's wedding because the bride doesn't like him. He was friends with this guy since jr. high, through high school & college. He was asked to be best man & said yes, but then never heard anything else.
       We went to the wedding, but how do you think my FI felt watching his best friend getting married surrounded by random guys that we'd never seen before? (Seriously, out of 4 groomsmen & the best man we only knew two of the guys  - the brother & foster- brother. FI had no clue who the best man was.)
      Fi was too hurt & embarrassed to mention it to anyone, but the groom's brother told him later that the bride refused to have FI in HER wedding because she didn't like him & thought he was "creepy." He is shy & a little socially awkward, but definately not "creepy" (or I wouldn't be with him!). The bride insisted on her male friends being in the wedding party instead, & the groom went along with it. 
       The groom eventually apologized (2 years later & blamed it on having even sides) & FI tried to continue the friendship, but there was just too much awkwardness & too many hurt feelings. It's been almost 2 years since they've spoken, & they used to get together at least once a week.        
Please don't hurt this guy like my FI was hurt. Your groom might go along with it just to please you, but please consider his feelings & the other guy's feelings. I can almost guarantee you that it will damage their friendship, if not end it completely. (Unless that's what you're trying to do.)