Wedding Party

She dropped out - but now wants back in?

2

Re: She dropped out - but now wants back in?

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_she-dropped-out-but-now-wants-back?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e20ad611-21da-4264-b150-2090a03cbfb6Post:67988665-9fff-4289-a566-014a51e8db51">Re: She dropped out - but now wants back in?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: She dropped out - but now wants back in? : Everyone appreciates been-there-done-that advice but how many times over and over do people need to say it. If she decides not to take your advice then that's it. Continuing to tell her how wrong it is doesn't help anyone.  The little sister comment is hilarious, by the way.
    Posted by mbarnhart[/QUOTE]

    Just because the advice has been repeated does not mean that if you step in to validate that it's suddenly a prudent idea.  Validating the idea for the sake of being a dissenting opinion or hoping that everything will "go away"  doesn't mean that the validating is smart.  It's actually quite a bad idea to try to offer something just to make the person making noise quiet down.   It's the WP board equivalent of giving a child a cookie every time he cries.  The end result is an overweight child who has never learned a thing.

    To the OP, please don't ever pull the "I'm the bride" card.  That NEVER works here on WP or on other boards.   You don't get to use the "It's the bride's day," "But I'm the bride," or "But it's my day" lines here.  If doing something wouldn't be nice when it doesn't involve your wedding, it's certainly not nice when it DOES involve your wedding.

    And honorary BM is for a BM who can't be there.  If you're at the wedding then be a BM or a guest.  Not an honorary BM.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_she-dropped-out-but-now-wants-back?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:e20ad611-21da-4264-b150-2090a03cbfb6Post:3e083fc9-e60c-46ff-8e86-f727628f3b20">Re: She dropped out - but now wants back in?</a>:
    [QUOTE]And honorary BM is for a BM who can't be there.  If you're at the wedding then be a BM or a guest.  Not an honorary BM.
    Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]

    I agree. Either she will be a guest or BM. It would be weird to say she's honorary if she's actually there attending your wedding. I would feel awkward saying she's technically a bridesmaid, but she's not standing with the rest of the BP because ???

    Ask her back, make it simple, and you can move on to other things.

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  • Here's why "It's my day!" gives me great concern for the person saying it.

    The wedding is not the same thing as the marriage.  The wedding is a party.  If you and your FI went down to a courthouse and said your vows before a judge with no fanfare, you would be just as married as you would be after a big white wedding where every detail was perfect.  Wedding = party.  A significant party, but still a party.  Clear?  Good.

    So here's where it causes me concern.  It's a jumping off point for the entire marriage.  It's not about the bride and what she wants.  It's about the groom too, and his family, and her family, and everyone else you have chosen to involve.  You need to be concerned with their comfort, their enjoyment and, yes, their feelings.  Focusing on the details as YOU and YOU ALONE want them to the detriment of others is a big mistake.  The day after your wedding, you are part of the family.  You are now SILs with the gal you offended yesterday by not letting her in the WP for the sake of even sides in photos.  The day after your wedding, you are the DIL of the woman you may have thought was too opinionated.  The day after the wedding, you won't remember that the napkins didn't exactly match the tablecloths, or that the flowers were slightly off, or (yes!) that the sides of the WP were perfectly even.  But others will remember (and hold against you) all the things you did in the name of "my day."  They will remember you excluding someone, they will remember the fights, they will remember any discomfort they felt at your wedding.  

    It's one day and one party.  Your marriage lasts much much longer (we all hope).  No party is worth potentially alienating people.  None.  I don't care how much you've dreamed about it, how important it is, or how many other times in your life you have not had 100% control over things.  A wedding is not an outlet for you to control everything.  Like everything else in life, things will be out of your control.  Like everything else in life, you will need to be flexible with the things that don't go according to plan.  Like everything else in life, you need to be a good, sensible person who is sensitive to the needs and comfort of others.  You are not being steamrolled if you think about the needs of others; that's being a good person!  And no one, anywhere, ever gets a pass on being a good person just because she's now The Bride.

    Rant over.  But hopefully that made sense.
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    "I think bablingbrooke is the 13 yr old marring her cousin at the town hall. Lets all give her a big hand. And hope her inbred children can live normal lives." -tabs.

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  • I'm sorry but I am super anal about symmetry too, that and even numbers...it would really ruin my big day if my bridal party sides weren't the same. I would forever look at my pictures and notice that they were uneven...I would focus and obsess about it forever!!! Everyone has their own weird pet peeves, and I totally understand this one.

    Don't let the "know it alls" on this page make you feel bad. She dropped out...you wanted her in, prego or not, but she chose to step down because she was self conscious (also sounds a little selfish of her to think anyone is going to be looking at her that much...kinda think they'll be focused on the lady in the white dress). She should have sucked it up and stayed in the wedding; then to turn around and act as if you decided to boot and replace her. ugh!

    It also seems rude that people on this page are implying that the feelings of the FSIL and the replacement bridesmaid are more important than yours...the FSIL needs to be happy with the title of honorary bridesmaid. She handed the torch to someone else and needs to live with that decision.



  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_she-dropped-out-but-now-wants-back?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e20ad611-21da-4264-b150-2090a03cbfb6Post:21970462-93f4-4021-9cc8-2f53f948bb6c">Re: She dropped out - but now wants back in?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm sorry but I am super anal about symmetry too, that and even numbers...it would really ruin my big day if my bridal party sides weren't the same. I would forever look at my pictures and notice that they were uneven...I would focus and obsess about it forever!!! Everyone has their own weird pet peeves, and I totally understand this one. Don't let the "know it alls" on this page make you feel bad. She dropped out...you wanted her in, prego or not, but she chose to step down because she was self conscious (also sounds a little selfish of her to think anyone is going to be looking at her that much...kinda think they'll be focused on the lady in the white dress). She should have sucked it up and stayed in the wedding; then to turn around and act as if you decided to boot and replace her. ugh! It also seems rude that people on this page are implying that the feelings of the FSIL and the replacement bridesmaid are more important than yours...the FSIL needs to be happy with the title of honorary bridesmaid. She handed the torch to someone else and needs to live with that decision.
    Posted by stacy&tige[/QUOTE]

    Stacy and Tige, this is AWFUL advice.

    Really?  REALLY??  Uneven sides will RUIN your big day?  I think you're losing sight of the big picture here.  If an uneven wedding party is what is going to make or break your wedding day happiness, you need to step back and re-focus.

    I'll buy that to come back and say, "I want to be a BM now," could be considered a bit abrasive, but the OP SHOULD put the feelings of that BM who stepped out into consideration.

    Read what I said.  If she'll be there as a guest then she can't be an honorary BM.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_she-dropped-out-but-now-wants-back?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e20ad611-21da-4264-b150-2090a03cbfb6Post:21970462-93f4-4021-9cc8-2f53f948bb6c">Re: She dropped out - but now wants back in?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm sorry but I am super anal about symmetry too, that and even numbers...it would really ruin my big day if my bridal party sides weren't the same. I would forever look at my pictures and notice that they were uneven...I would focus and obsess about it forever!!!
    Posted by stacy&tige[/QUOTE]

    Everyone does have their own weird pet peeves.  But, part of being mature is realizing that your pet peeves are your own problems and if you are making other people uncomfortable with them, then you've got to get over it.

    Holding symmetry above friends and family's feelings is really absurd.  And, just to look at it from another perspective: I really don't understand how someone could be that hung up on symmetry.  So, if my future sister in law was like "yeah, I don't want to put you back in the wedding because my sides won't be even," I would be horrendously hurt. 

    Just a thought, but will you look at the pictures of you and all your guests looking for symmetry?  Will both sides of the aisle have to be filled with an even number of people?  Will you center yourselves with equal numbers of people on both sides of you when taking other pictures?  It gets out of control really fast...
  • Stacy, reread my last post PLEASE.  And all the others.  If you still want to give this horrible "advice" I frankly feel very sorry for you because you have lost the point of a wedding and that can't possibly be good for your marriage.
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    "I think bablingbrooke is the 13 yr old marring her cousin at the town hall. Lets all give her a big hand. And hope her inbred children can live normal lives." -tabs.

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  • There's nothing new I can really say here, so I just want to give my support for the "let her back in" side of the argument.  It's important to her, and was important to you and your fiance originally... regardless of the fact that she was having a bad day, you shouldn't penalize her forever because of it (I don't say that in a way that means you're constantly berating her for it, but refusing to let her walk down the aisle with the rest of the bridesmaids is going to hurt her feelings, no getting around that).

    My wedding is going to be horrendously uneven, but that's a choice that FI and I made because that's what happens-- chances are poor that you're going to know exactly 4 girls and 4 guys that are important enough to you to stand up.  I'll be having my sister, his two sisters, my four cousins, and his niece on my side... he'll have his two brothers and three best friends on his.  Rounds out to a nice 8:5 ratio, lol.  Even if it looks strange to other people, or even if it looks strange to ME, I'll still be happy that I had my wedding party as it is, because these are the people that mean to most to FI and me.

    Alright, that's a long enough post. Good luck with everything!
    This knottie's been ransacked, suckas!
  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited June 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_she-dropped-out-but-now-wants-back?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e20ad611-21da-4264-b150-2090a03cbfb6Post:21970462-93f4-4021-9cc8-2f53f948bb6c">Re: She dropped out - but now wants back in?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm sorry but I am super anal about symmetry too, that and even numbers...it would really ruin my big day if my bridal party sides weren't the same. I would forever look at my pictures and notice that they were uneven...I would focus and obsess about it forever!!! Everyone has their own weird pet peeves, and I totally understand this one. Don't let the "know it alls" on this page make you feel bad. She dropped out...you wanted her in, prego or not, but she chose to step down because she was self conscious (also sounds a little selfish of her to think anyone is going to be looking at her that much...kinda think they'll be focused on the lady in the white dress). She should have sucked it up and stayed in the wedding; then to turn around and act as if you decided to boot and replace her. ugh! It also seems rude that people on this page are implying that the feelings of the FSIL and the replacement bridesmaid are more important than yours...the FSIL needs to be happy with the title of honorary bridesmaid. She handed the torch to someone else and needs to live with that decision.
    Posted by stacy&tige[/QUOTE]

    Yeah.  4 total posts.  Explains everything to me.

    The day someone marries the person they love enough to pledge the rest of their life to, will be RUINED!!!!  RUINED, I SAY!!!!!!! because the number of people in the picture won't be matchy-matchy?

    Well there's someone who clearly has no idea at all what a wedding is for.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • We're having five guys and two girls, and even worse, 2 of the guys are my brothers! And at no point during the ceremony or pictures will we all stand in a row with girls on one side and guys on the other! This may, in fact, cause a rip in the space-time continuum!
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    Wouldn't it be nice to live together in the kind of world where we belong?
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_she-dropped-out-but-now-wants-back?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:e20ad611-21da-4264-b150-2090a03cbfb6Post:e69ffeda-6c34-431b-b7b1-67f43b40c24f">Re: She dropped out - but now wants back in?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: She dropped out - but now wants back in? : Stacy and Tige, this is AWFUL advice. Really?  REALLY??  Uneven sides will RUIN your big day?  I think you're losing sight of the big picture here.  If an uneven wedding party is what is going to make or break your wedding day happiness, you need to step back and re-focus. I'll buy that to come back and say, "I want to be a BM now," could be considered a bit abrasive, but the OP SHOULD put the feelings of that BM who stepped out into consideration. Read what I said.  If she'll be there as a guest then she can't be an honorary BM.
    Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]

    This made me laugh (not at you, of course). I hope nobody would think it would ruin their big day. That's just....absurd. People need to get a grip. It's not that big of a deal. What's with the symmetry people?? Why? I don't get it really.

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  • Loved the comment pp made about a potential bridal party member dropping out the night before!

    I highly doubt that as you're walking down the aisle you'll be looking at anyone besides your soon to be DH.  

    IMO if someone is so worried about the sides being even, they might as well have no BP at all.
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  • I just posted my opinion...MY OPINION! You don't have to agree but you do have to understand that I don't necessarily agree with any of you either. Attacking someone because they think differently is childish and immature.

    I'm just confused why anyone on here really is so upset about what other people choose to do with their wedding...are you coming to my wedding? NO! are you paying for any of it? NO! Giving advice is one thing but most of the post are just berrating other people's advice. No one on here is wedding guru who has all the right answers. Everyone does stuff differently...Everyone! I've been to tons of weddings. None were the same or followed all the "rules" but all were beautiful. Rules were made to be broken.

    As to symmetry, its my one and only major pet peev in life. It something that irritates me all day every day with just little stuff like decorating, so on the BIGGEST day of my life it would bother me. Its not something I can help, it is what it is. Maybe ruin isn't the right word but it would seriously rub me the wrong way. An funny thing: my fiance felt the same way. He wanted even numbers on each side, and for both sides to be the same.

    I also stand by my statement that it seems as if people on here care more about other people's feelings than the bride and groom. Yes it is important to do all you can to not intentionally hurt someone during this stressful process, but not if it means you have to be uncomfortable on your wedding day. If those people are important in your life they should be understanding and accomadating too, not just you. If they are going to hold life long grudges because of something you did or didn't do at your wedding, maybe you don't need them in your life to begin with.
  • Stacy, I truly feel sorry for you.
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    "I think bablingbrooke is the 13 yr old marring her cousin at the town hall. Lets all give her a big hand. And hope her inbred children can live normal lives." -tabs.

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  • Why? I feel sorry that you seem to think that your opinion is the only right one. Why can't we all think differently? I guess I didn't realize that every wedding had to be the same and follow all your rules or ideas.

    Should I bow down to you as the know-it-all wedding guru? Want a crown to go with your ego?
  • Ummmm that's child abuse...not wedding ettiquette. You're being a bit extreme with that analogy, aren't you?

    I've noticed a few posts about everyone basically saying the same thing on here...repeating the same advice over and over. I posted something different from the norm and am getting berrated, repeatedly. Maybe that's why everyone says the same thing.

    I'm outta this place...have fun attacking people for their own thoughts! This is not a very supportive "community."
  • Stacy & Tige, everyone here is allowed to post her opinion.  That means that when one disagrees with what has been posted, THAT is allowed too.

    Your comment,

    [QUOTE]I've noticed a few posts about everyone basically saying the same thing on here...repeating the same advice over and over. I posted something different from the norm and am getting berrated, repeatedly. Maybe that's why everyone says the same thing.[/QUOTE]

    That may be the case - or perhaps what you posted was considered to be really bad advice.  In my opinion, what you posted was indeed awful advice.  If even sides are going to ruin your wedding day then yes, you're losing sight of the much larger picture.

    Things that ruin a wedding day:
    -Bride or groom not showing up or getting ill
    -A parent collapsing in sudden illness
    -The church burning down
    -The reception venue closing the day of the wedding
    -A drunken best man punching the bride

    Uneven sides?   It's laughable that you said such a thing had the ability to be day-ruining. 

    No one is saying that the feelings of the bride and groom don't matter.  However once the bride and groom choose to involve others, their feelings aren't the ONLY ones that matter anymore.  They HAVE to take into consideration the feelings of those they involve.  To do otherwise is not gracious and is being a bad friend/family member.  You don't get license to do something for your wedding that would be rude otherwise.

    And I'm not sure what you mean but 'unsupportive'.  The bride received plenty of great advice which was the POINT of her post.  This isn't a validation board.
  • I <3 Banana.  So calm, so logical, and writes so nicely.  Wink
  • Times in your life when you need a supportive community around you:
    -Miscarriage
    -Death of a loved one
    -Divorce
    -Job loss

    You know, life's real tragedies and trials.  A wedding is a happy occasion.  A party.  I thought I made that abundantly clear during my earlier post.  Why on earth do you need support for a PARTY?

    And why keep repeating the advice?  To convince people that yours is just bad so they won't follow it.
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    "I think bablingbrooke is the 13 yr old marring her cousin at the town hall. Lets all give her a big hand. And hope her inbred children can live normal lives." -tabs.

    A word of warning from your friends at Cracked.com: Remember that text is going to be how you make your first impression over the internet; if every third word you type is misspelled, people will automatically assume that you're a moron.
  • Well, for the girls who are so worried about mis-matching sides of their WP, I truly hope that everything in your marriages goes as picture perfectly as you hope your wedding photos will turn out. Because lives (and marriages) aren't always neatly organized into perfect little symmetrical packets of orderliness that you exert control over. And I hope that any family members or friends who are left out of the WP b/c they'd be that one extra person who threw off the whole matchy matchiness don't hold on to the hurt feelings / resentment for too long after the wedding day passes and real life sets in once again. I'm sure they'll understand how important your photos were, though.

    The Bump ate my signature. DD - Apr 2011 DS - expected June 2013
  • It sounds like most of the posts here agree that given your situation you'll want to consider uneven numbers to avoid hurt feelings. So, what about making the best use of your photographer's creativity to minimize the appearance of asymmetry in your formal photographs? The typical photograph of the Bride & Groom surrounded equally on either side by their wedding party is outdated now anyway.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_she-dropped-out-but-now-wants-back?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e20ad611-21da-4264-b150-2090a03cbfb6Post:ade35b2b-5b07-4197-80e0-07a955183e61">Re: She dropped out - but now wants back in?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Well, for the girls who are so worried about mis-matching sides of their WP, I truly hope that everything in your marriages goes as picture perfectly as you hope your wedding photos will turn out. Because lives (and marriages) aren't always neatly organized into perfect little symmetrical packets of orderliness that you exert control over. And I hope that any family members or friends who are left out of the WP b/c they'd be that one extra person who threw off the whole matchy matchiness don't hold on to the hurt feelings / resentment for too long after the wedding day passes and real life sets in once again. I'm sure they'll understand how important your photos were, though.
    Posted by CTGirl30[/QUOTE]
    Word.
    Courtesy of megk8oz
    image
    "I think bablingbrooke is the 13 yr old marring her cousin at the town hall. Lets all give her a big hand. And hope her inbred children can live normal lives." -tabs.

    A word of warning from your friends at Cracked.com: Remember that text is going to be how you make your first impression over the internet; if every third word you type is misspelled, people will automatically assume that you're a moron.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_she-dropped-out-but-now-wants-back?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:e20ad611-21da-4264-b150-2090a03cbfb6Post:80067302-9007-44ec-b94c-7663f2a81b5b">Re: She dropped out - but now wants back in?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: She dropped out - but now wants back in? : I'm not surprised this bothers you.  <strong>I always figured you were more interested in looks than the people </strong>after you told one bride that she should force her sister to wear a dress even though they made her very uncomfortable. Something to think about.
    Posted by blackfire5th[/QUOTE]

    If that were true then I would have had even sides.
    image
  • LD1970LD1970 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_she-dropped-out-but-now-wants-back?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e20ad611-21da-4264-b150-2090a03cbfb6Post:ed9d7091-2abd-4530-9f6f-649163260ecf">Re: She dropped out - but now wants back in?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm also anal about symmetry and we ended up having uneven sides. Everyone said it was something you wouldn't even notice or care about afterwards but whenever I look at the picture of our entire wedding party, it annoys the ever loving crap out of me. Don't get me wrong, Ilove our pics and WP but in all honesty the asymmetry bothers me.
    Posted by rainedrop6[/QUOTE]
    Your WEDDING GOWN is asymmetrical.
    You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. ~Mae West
  • LD1970LD1970 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_she-dropped-out-but-now-wants-back?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e20ad611-21da-4264-b150-2090a03cbfb6Post:21970462-93f4-4021-9cc8-2f53f948bb6c">Re: She dropped out - but now wants back in?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm sorry but I am super anal about symmetry too, that and even numbers...it would really ruin my big day if my bridal party sides weren't the same. I would forever look at my pictures and notice that they were uneven...I would focus and obsess about it forever!!! Posted by stacy&tige[/QUOTE]
    That is so very sad.
    You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. ~Mae West
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_she-dropped-out-but-now-wants-back?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:e20ad611-21da-4264-b150-2090a03cbfb6Post:ddcb36c8-c6df-4bf3-8c2c-ab671f434d7e">Re: She dropped out - but now wants back in?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: She dropped out - but now wants back in? : Your WEDDING GOWN is asymmetrical.
    Posted by LD1970[/QUOTE]

    I know! Isn't it ironic?
    image
  • LD1970LD1970 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    I don't think your problem with asymmetry is as big as you think it is.
    You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. ~Mae West
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