MOH Woes; Am I over-reacting? I need to vent.

ashfann

Ok. My wedding is six months away. I have 2 bridesmaids, my MOH, who has been my best friend since I can remember, and one bridesmaid, my cousin that I'm close to. Cousin, J, is super excited about everything, has helped me find my DJ and Photog (from 4 states away!) tried on like 15 bridesmaid dresses for me @ Davids Bridal (without my asking - she kept grabbing more to try). Basically everything a bride could want in a bridesmaid.

And then there's my MOH. I'm in Miami, she's in New Jersey, so I understand that there's not a whole lot that she can do. But she has fought me on everything, from the dress colors, to the music I chose, to the day-of plans and when I'm asking her to be there. The wedding is on Saturday; I asked her if she would be able to fly in on Thursday, to help me put together my flower arrangements and do some girly stuff like go get our nails done and stuff likt that. I didn't think that was unreasonable, especially since she's a teacher and this is during the summer, so she won't be working.

So this morning, J texted me to let me know that her dress had come in, and she was going to go pick it up and send me pics. (And told me that DB had thrown in a free pair of shoes - how awesome is that?) So i texted MOH, to see if she had made an appt with DB yet. Her response was, "You picked a dress?" Last month, I had been with J, which was when we tried on all those dresses, picked 3 that were similiar style/same fabric, sent pics and texts to MOH to let her know. I specifically picked more than one, so she'd have some options, as their two body types are very different. The whole time, MOH was texting me back, commenting on the pics. And now, only a month later, she completely forgot everything we talked about. She's the one I hoped to be most excited about this for me, but I feel like she doesn't care, and it really hurts.

I want her to be more involved, not because 'it's her duty as MOH' or anything like that, but because I love her like a sister and WANT her as part of this. She introduced me and FI 8 years ago when we were in high school! I don't know what to do.

msuprincess04

I'm not sure there's anything you can do. Just let her know what the last possible date is to have the dress ordered. She's a teacher and isn't it finals season? Not really a great time to bog her down with other things. Maybe she's just not as excited about your wedding as you are. And that's really ok. She may not want to sit around and put flowers together (boring), or maybe she's got a summer school class she's thinking about teaching. Considering most people have a million other things to think about between Thanksgiving and New Years, I'd bet a party 6 months away probably isn't one of them. I realize you are hurt, but you need to take a step back and think about things from her perspective. I think you'll realize this is silly and will pass quickly.

OBX2011

Ditto that PP!

I wouldn't read too much into this right now.  You have plenty of time before the big day and I am sure she will be there to help you out with all of the last minute things....and be super excited for you at the same time.  She probably has a lot going on right and the holidays can always throw people for a loop too.

Like PP said, just give this one a little bit of time to pass and I'm sure it will. 

Kfmarried

I want to pass on one of the best pieces of advice that I was given when planning our wedding.  No one will care as much or be as excited about your wedding as you are.  I agree with PPs that it is still six months away and this is a hectic time for almost everyone.  Adding to that, she's in another state so she won't be around for as much and get that excited feeling from being in the middle of it.  

kaitlyn&henry

It would be wonderfully nice to have helpful bridesmaids if they want to help, but its not a requirement. Like another PP already said, no one is ever as excited about your wedding as you are...not to mention she does live far away, which makes getting caught up in the moment with you a lot harder. She cant experience the same things as your other BM.

Lower your expectations a bit and you will find everything will be ok. If she is stubborn about a dress, then give her the final buy date and then its on her and, even though its hard, let go a little and trust you made a good decision in asking her to be your MOH.

graysquirrel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-woes-am-over-reacting-need-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:e2c57b74-3267-455f-9ee1-a8cea195731dPost:567c66c7-e47f-45b6-a1db-82c29410ba14">MOH Woes; Am I over-reacting? I need to vent.</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok. My wedding is six months away. I have 2 bridesmaids, my MOH, who has been my best friend since I can remember, and one bridesmaid, my cousin that I'm close to. Cousin, J, is super excited about everything, has helped me find my DJ and Photog (from 4 states away!) tried on like 15 bridesmaid dresses for me @ Davids Bridal (without my asking - she kept grabbing more to try). Basically everything a bride could want in a bridesmaid. And then there's my MOH. I'm in Miami, she's in New Jersey, so I understand that there's not a whole lot that she can do. But she has fought me on everything, from the dress colors, to the music I chose, to the day-of plans and when I'm asking her to be there<strong>. The wedding is on Saturday; I asked her if she would be able to fly in on Thursday, to help me put together my flower arrangements and do some girly stuff like go get our nails done and stuff likt that. I didn't think that was unreasonable,</strong> especially since she's a teacher and this is during the summer, so she won't be working. So this morning, J texted me to let me know that her dress had come in, and she was going to go pick it up and send me pics. (And told me that DB had thrown in a free pair of shoes - how awesome is that?) So i texted MOH, to see if she had made an appt with DB yet. Her response was, "You picked a dress?" Last month, I had been with J, which was when we tried on all those dresses, picked 3 that were similiar style/same fabric, sent pics and texts to MOH to let her know. I specifically picked more than one, so she'd have some options, as their two body types are very different. The whole time, MOH was texting me back, commenting on the pics. And now, only a month later, she completely forgot everything we talked about. She's the one I hoped to be most excited about this for me, but I feel like she doesn't care, and it really hurts. I want her to be more involved, not because 'it's her duty as MOH' or anything like that, but because I love her like a sister and WANT her as part of this. She introduced me and FI 8 years ago when we were in high school! I don't know what to do.
Posted by ashfann[/QUOTE]


I think that the bolded part is a little unreasonable. Even if she does have off from work, she may have other obligations to consider and shouldn't be expected to do any of the things you listed. If she volunteers, super. If not, then don't press it. When she arrives for your wedding should be up to her. I understand that you want your friend to be with you, but she just might not be able to. It would probably also help, to ease your mind, if you were to not compare her with your other friend. If your other friend is involved in your wedding planning, then count it a blessing and don't worry about what your MOH has contributed. Anything beyond showing up is a gift.

As for the dress, I would remind her again which dress it is and tell her that she must have it ordered by X date. Then the ball is in her court.

susanv85

If she flies in on Thursday, that's an extra night in a hotel that she would have to pay for. 6 months from now puts us in June, no? Around here, most schools get out at the end of June, maybe her school finishes just before your wedding, and she wants a day at home to relax, pack for the wedding, without having to rush around to get things together. I wouldn't get frustrated with her, she probably has other things going on. Maybe work is super hectic now, maybe wehn you were texting her pics of the dresses, she thought that's what you liked, not that you had picked one. Maybe I'm just a little oversensitive cause I was one of those bridesmaids that wasn't able to do everything with the bride, I missed my best friend's bachelorette party because I got called in to work, I was late to the rehersal dinner because I was working until 2 am that morning, needed desperately to get a good nights sleep, and then still had to drive 2 hours to her house, so I missed getting my nails done with her, the rehearsal, and I was late for dinner. Luckily, she didnt' get mad at me, she realized that these things happen and the important thing is that she will be there the day of the wedding, smiling and happy for you.

LoveMuffins

1. You expecting her to come in early to help you do things for your wedding is unreasonable, not the other way around. She's your best friend, not free labor. IF she can come in and help and is willing to, that's great. But if not, that says nothing bad about her and it doesn't imply anything about the level of your importance to her. However, you getting in a huff because you don't get free labor out of her says quite a lot about you, and none of it's good.

2. Maybe your MOH didn't realize that she got to chose out of the 3 options that you picked. Why are you so upset? There's plenty of time for the dress to come in, just let her know that she has 3 options and can choose whichever she likes.

3. She should be as involved as SHE wants to be involved. Not as involved as YOU want her to be involved. She is your MOH because you feel like she's a sister and because she introduced you and FI. She is not your MOH for the amount of labor she provides, whether or not YOU feel she's as or more excited than the other girls, or because she was the first to order your dress.

You're taking a lot of very small things very personally. It's not unusual for brides to get stressed out and wrapped up in themselves and to overrreact to small issues, but you need to try and recognize that you're doing it, otherwise you're going to end up alienating your best friend that you supposedly love so much because you're freaking out while she's being perfectly reasonable.

Everything will come together and it will be beautiful and wonderful. It sounds like you have a really great bridesmaid in town that's helping you out. Be grateful for her and stop being so ungrateful towards your MOH.

jemmini6

Ditto to what LoveMuffins said.