What should I do?

aglardulin

Hi all- I posted on here once before and you all were very helpful, so I'm back for round 2!

Here's the situation:
FI has two married sisters with kids. Sister M has a 10-year-old boy and a 6-year-old girl. Sister N has a 6-year-old girl, a 4-year-old boy, and a baby.

Both the girls will be flower girls. M's 10-year-old asked us (before we were even engaged) if he could be the ringbearer, so he will be the ringbearer. N is the type of mom who feels like things have to be equal. Even though FI told her that her four-year-old would not be a second ringbearer, somehow the 4-year-old got it into his head that he's a ringbearer too. N has not corrected this, and called FI to tell him what her son thought.

I don't want the four-year-old to feel left out, but I also don't want to add him to appease N. Also, M's 10-year-old is so proud to be the ringbearer- I feel like he gets lumped in with the four-year-old too often and I don't want to do that to him.

I was thinking of having the four-year-old stand up with us to hold my bouquet during the vows and ring exchanges- is this a good idea?

TIA!

msuprincess04

I wouldn't trust a 4 yo to sit still that long. Let alone stand that long. I would simply just say that you've already chosen your ringbearer and you're sure the 4yo would rather sit by his mom during the ceremony anyway. But, he can have the extra special job of handing out programs if he likes.

mbcdefg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_should-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:e5365fcf-4ec8-4c37-9a9a-17b98b034b85Post:cf72baf8-fb43-4a1a-b6bb-b27b7347c40b">What should I do?</a>:
[QUOTE]I was thinking of having the four-year-old stand up with us to hold my bouquet during the vows and ring exchanges- is this a good idea? TIA!
Posted by aglardulin[/QUOTE]

I don't get how this is any different than a ring bearer. RBs just have to walk down the aisle and look cute - it's not like they actually hold real wedding rings. Plus I really doubt that a four year-old could behave long enough to stand there quietly, in front of a large crowd in an unfamiliar place, with your bouquet. (Not knocking your nephew, I would say that of any four year-old.) Things are going to get silly once you start making up meaningless jobs just for the sake of including young kids (who aren't really going to give two shiits about being included or not) or pleasing their pushy parents (because that only sends the message that you are willing to take their pushiness).

I think your real problem here is that your FI didn't tell your sister that the plans were already set. It seems like he just kind of left this up to you to solve, right? If so, that's really not fair of him - he should've immediately set his sister straight, or at least discussed it with you and then gotten back to her with a final decision either way. So talk to him, make sure you are on the same page about including the nephew or not, and then he can call SIL with the verdict.

What's going to happen in the future when SIL is pushy about where you should spend your holidays, stuff involving her kids/any kids you guys might have, etc.? If she's pushy about her son being a RB then you just *know* that this won't be the last time you have to deal with her pushniness. Nip it in the bud NOW and hammer out a plan with your FI about how to deal with people like her. Otherwise it'll cause problems in your marriage later.

aglardulin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_should-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e5365fcf-4ec8-4c37-9a9a-17b98b034b85Post:ebb93070-979e-4786-b1f2-68946cd65d2d">Re: What should I do?</a>:
[QUOTE] I think your real problem here is that your FI didn't tell your sister that the plans were already set. It seems like he just kind of left this up to you to solve, right? If so, that's really not fair of him - he should've immediately set his sister straight, or at least discussed it with you and then gotten back to her with a final decision either way. So talk to him, make sure you are on the same page about including the nephew or not, and then he can call SIL with the verdict. What's going to happen in the future when SIL is pushy about where you should spend your holidays, stuff involving her kids/any kids you guys might have, etc.? If she's pushy about her son being a RB then you just *know* that this won't be the last time you have to deal with her pushniness. Nip it in the bud NOW and hammer out a plan with your FI about how to deal with people like her. Otherwise it'll cause problems in your marriage later.
Posted by mbcdefg[/QUOTE]

haha, he's actually FI's nephew, and is kind of a ball of destruction- I agree he might not handle standing there well.

We are in the stage where FI came to me saying this is what his sister was up to- we are discussing it so we can have it straightened out before Christmas when it will come up. It's not all on me to decide, which is great, and as it should be.

The thing is, we had it solved and then his sister started it up again. We've both decided that we wont' give into her demands, but I really don't want to hurt the kid if he really cares. FI told me that the composition of the WP (2 girls and the 10 year old) would be the same whether there were 10 kids or 4, but it does kinda suck for the left out 4-year old. (no kids on my side, so it's all his family)

Right now the plan is that FI will talk to the kid and see how important it is to him. If it's not important, then no big deal. If it is, then I kinda feel like we should have something for him to do. I don't want him to feel  hurt and left out cause his mom is making him feel that way, kwim?

FI has always been very stubborn about not giving his sister what she wants, but he doesn't want to make the kid a casualty of that.
-edited for clarity!

aglardulin

Also, I didn't know that the ringbearer didn't actually carry the rings! Is this because ringbearers are usually so young? What is common now- who has them?
Since our ringbearer is older, would he actually carry them, or does he just have an empty pillow?
Sorry, I am new to this lol

MyNameIsNot

I don't think a 4 year old really has the capacity to care whether he is in a wedding.  Your FI should tell his sister that you've discussed it and feel that 4 is too young to be in a wedding and the matter is closed.  

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_should-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e5365fcf-4ec8-4c37-9a9a-17b98b034b85Post:87f6a77f-a96b-4de0-bf4b-d4923808f232">Re: What should I do?</a>:
[QUOTE]Also, I didn't know that the ringbearer didn't actually carry the rings! Is this because ringbearers are usually so young? What is common now- who has them? Since our ringbearer is older, would he actually carry them, or does he just have an empty pillow? Sorry, I am new to this lol
Posted by aglardulin[/QUOTE]

<div>My MOH had our rings on her finger.  The BM was going to carry them in his pocket, but I got ready at our home and had them, and MOH just never had the chance to get them to BM before the ceremony.  </div><div>
</div><div>Most of RB pillows I've seen have fake rings sewn on.  Even if an adult were carrying the pillow, rings don't really balance very well on a pillow, and no one wants to chase a ring back down the aisle.  </div>

aglardulin

Interesting about the rings! And good point... wouldn't want to lose them.

It's good to hear some validation that a four-year-old wouldn't really care about being in the Wedding party- that's what FI and I thought, but we weren't sure if we were being clouded by being stubborn/not letting his sister get her way.

Thanks!

quiggels219

So I agree about not letting him in just to appease you fsil. If you dont really care and it turns out he wants to be involved you could have him carry a here comes the bride sign or escort the fgs or pass out something like bubbles or programs. That's only if you want to I threw out some ideas. For a silly similar story - When I was 7 I was the only one left out of a family wedding and I remember being sad about it, until my grandpa took me out on the dance floor and found me some pre-dessert ice cream and I was then happy as a clam. It also turned into one of my best memories with my grandpa who passed shortly after so at this age im happy i wasnt included! Anyways, So may care, but I was 7 and didn't know why my cousins were in these princess dresses and I wasn't and he's a boy and 4, so who knows?? But he is a kid and maybe something as simple as a special lollipop will make him feel instantly better like it did me- maybe a cake pop so it's not sticky haha. That way you could also make him happy(if he even notices) without giving in to the sil??