Help!

greenwoodheights

Post redacted; rethinking having posted. However, despite some harshness due to some misunderstandings of the post, I did receive some helpful feedback, much appreciated.

LittleMissCutiePie

Okay, tough love time. The "I'm the bride! But I'm a bride!" thing will wear out real quick with people. You sound like a reasonable person, so you need to not let the fact you're getting married cloud your judgment. This friend, unless she is outright being threatening to your safety, or trying to break up your marriage, cannot be kicked out of the WP. If she voluntarily drops out, it is completely rude to find a replacement. If you're worried about symmetrical sides, that is not necessary. I'm having four BMs, and FI has 3 GMs.

Your friend sounds like she has a lot going on. Job drama is no picnic, which I'm sure you know. You need to approach this as a friend, not a bride. You need to phone her, or try and get together with her, and have a good long conversation and not mention anything about the wedding. Try and get her to open up to you about the deeper issues. At no time during this conversation should the words "bride" "wedding" or "bridesmaid" come into play.

She messed up big time bailing on you. Dress shopping on your own sucks. But you need to not look at it through only one lens. If she decides to back out on her own, take that as a major cue to work on the friendship. If that means giving her some space, or abandoning ship altogether, you need to make that decision without giving her the label of bridesmaid.

Sorry you're going through this. Good luck!

RaptorSLH

I'm sorry your friend is 1. an alcoholic and 2. has anger management issues. She needs help for both of these things, but it sounds like you and she already know that.

The first thing you need to decide is whether you still value her friendship, in between the moments when she has her head lodged up her rear.  If you do, do not kick her out of the party, because that is a friendship ending move.  Give her the order date for the dress you decide on, or the criteria to be used in chosing her own dress, and let her make her own decision whether or not to bow out.

While her behavior is out of line, it does sound like you have a few misunderstandings about what a wedding party is supposed to be.  Do not look for "replacements."  Relationships are not replacable, and that is what your wedding party should reflect.  Your wedding party does not have to be the same size as your FI's.  

The only thing a BM has to do is buy the dress and stand up, clean and sober and smiling, on the day of the wedding.  Anything beyond that is nice, but not required.  Even if she bails out on the day of the wedding itself, you rearrange the procession, have the other BMs close ranks to fill the gap, and move on. MOH may add "sign wedding certificate as witness" to that list, but that's about all.  Your FI is the only one you get to draft for help if they don't volunteer.  Ignore the wedding industry lists of "duties" - those are designed to attract your money, not preserve your friendships.

quiggels219

I think it would be weird if someone put your wedding dress shopping in front of their career. Also, whether or not she puts her career in front of her marriage is really none of your business. That's something her and her husband need to deal with. I'm sure she would have liked to come with you but she had an unexpected computer problem that cost her hours - she was in town for work - not for you and dress shopping. I hate my job and hope to find a new one but it's still a priority and goes ahead of planning my own wedding, let alone planning someone elses. From what you explained I think you behaved pretty bratty. You didn't have to go alone, you could gave rescheduled at some point between now and your wedding - it's not like the place charged a cancellation fee or refused to ever let you again after you cancelled. I think you went really just to have something to pout about and to make the situation worse(or to make your friend feel bad). There are so many issues with your post but one main one - there are no jobs that go along with being a bm or moh. Some go above and beyond some show up the day of - both are right so saying she couldn't handle the responsibility makes zero sense. Unless she just couldn't afford her dress and you weren't willing to help her pay - that's her only "responsibility". From reading your post I'm not surprised your friends are flaky or few and far between, because you sound pretty selfish. Sorry to be harsh- and I usually just ignore posts like this cause I don't like being mean but you just sound ridiculous. Also, if your concerned your friend has a drinking problem maybe reach out and help her rather than being mean about it.

em01092

I wouldn't doubt that you are a good friend and not a selfish person, but I think quiggles was saying you sounded needy during your wedding planning, which I agree with. Maybe you are making her feel smothered? 

You are hurt because your friend is putting her career first by missing these appointments, which is ok to be a little hurt about but you should be more upset at the situation than her, you know? Her job is very important, and it's more important than your wedding, sorry to say. Your MOH/BMs are not required to attend these things with you at all, though I do agree she should be better about her commitments. She shouldn't tell you she'll be somewhere and have something come up every single time.

I would just back off a little, and realize that her job trumps your wedding.  Also lower your expectations of your attendants. They only have to buy their dress, show up sober, and smile for pictures. Parties, tagging along on fittings/apointments, planning, and showers are extra gifts and not required. 

RaptorSLH

Yes, it IS nasty.  That's why, when you told us it was what you'd done, people told you it had been a bad choice.  And, based on what you've just said about leaving out a BM who can't afford your preferred dress, I don't think they're likely to stop saying it.

And just because you threw parties and ran errands as a maid of honor doesn't mean other people have to.  Jobs have responsibilities and duties.  Maid of Honor is an honor you gift to a friend.

Your friend may be a hot mess, but that doesn't change your behavior.  You're more worried about a missed appointment than about her lashing out, and you use her drinking as leverage for guilt rather than being worried about her alcoholism.  You bent over backwards for a friend's wedding, and now you're saying it's time you got yours.  When you're already in a hole, it's time to stop digging.

staceycaine

*sigh* I missed it.

em01092

If you're going to stick around, you shouldn't delete your OP (original post). It makes you look bratty and immature because you didn't get what you wanted to hear. I don't know what you expected us to say, but no one was rude to you. People here are just honest and don't sugar coat things. If that's not your thing, head over to WeddingBee where they will often validate bad ideas and will say anything you want rather than give you an honest, unbiased perspective. 

LittleMissCutiePie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_conflict-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e564d509-1655-4919-9f8b-146c5f33597cPost:2d76ff0f-19c2-4838-a609-883be75889ce">Re: Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]Rewriting your OP is rude.
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

Word. You really should keep it as is, in case other knotties come on the boards with similar problems, and then we don't have to have a duplicate thread with duplicate advice.


Also, CMGr, every time I see your pic it makes me smile. Your daughter looked so pretty, and happy! Her dress is beautiful!

Meghannsix

Wow, if your wedding is in October 2013, you really need to take a deeeeeeep breath and relax.  There is plenty plenty of time before now and then, and trust me, you will be a much happier camper as soon as you remember that no one else is going to be as excited about your wedding as you are.  It truly helps you with your expectations of others, and you don't get disappointed.  My wedding isn't until June 2013, and I don't mention it to ANY ONE unless they ask first.  Besides, if you make decisions now, who's to say you won't change your mind?  I've changed colors, favorite venues, first song, dress style, etc, a lot.  It's kind of fun to just research and look around.  Relax and enjoy yourself, and don't forget to be a friend to your BM's, they're supposed to be your closest friends/family right?