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bridesmaid out

My wedding is October 16, 2010.  I have been having some dilemmas with one of my bridesmaids.  She unexpectedly got pregnant and had her child in March.  Since then she has been MIA from all activities (non-wedding related).  When she is invited to things she always has some excuse as to why she can't make it.  Anyway, I have been really worried that she will not make it the day of the wedding.  We had a long talk today and decided that I would take her out of the wedding.  So here is my dilemma....do I simply go with an uneven number of bridesmaids compared to groomsmen or do I try to find someone else.  My other dilemma is I am not sure that any of my other close friends/relatives would fit into the size dress she bought.  I would prefer to not have an uneven number in the wedding party but I am thinking it might be rude to ask someone this close to the wedding.  What are you girls thoughts on the whole thing????  My fiance and MOH aren't a lot of help as they think it is my decision.
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Re: bridesmaid out

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    Um, she's probably been missing out on stuff because she has a new baby.  Seriously. 

    It was a bad move to kick her out of your wedding.  No, you should not replace her.

    Are you comfortable with the fact that you have ended your friendship with her?
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    That's very lovely.  Your friend is a new mom who is, as are most new moms, overwhelmed by being a mom of an infant.  And so your response to her is to kick her out of the wedding because......why? 

    What exactly would be so terrible if she wasn't there the day of the wedding?  Won't you still be married at the end of the ceremony?  And you'll have one less person in the photos?  Where exactly is the downside to this?

    I think you call your friend and say "I'm so sorry.  I caught a momentary case of the wedding wackies, but I'm over it.  I don't know what I was thinking, but I really want you standing with me on my wedding day.  Please?"

    As for your other question:  you kicked her out.  Now you're going to insult someone else by essentially saying "You weren't good enough to be a first round draft choice for the WP, but I have an open slot, and you'll do."  That's going to go over well.

    A WP is not about symmetry and photos.  Don't ask a replacement.

    Kicking someone out is wrong.  Hiring an understudy is wrong.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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    Dude, she just had a BABY.  She's probably not sleeping well and is tending to her child.  Anyway you look at it, baby trumps wedding.  Don't make this about your wedding, make it about HER.  And by that, I mean call her.  Ask her how she's doing.  Offer to babysit for an hour so she can get her hair or nails done.  And AFTER you've been a good friend to her, and ONLY after, then you can mention that she seems distracted.  But my bet is that she wants to be in the wedding and is looking forward to that night.
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    You made my wedding day complete.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e5fcae57-21f9-4066-b1e5-09725371d8a4Post:a9dde3be-2c86-4392-b5dc-96fbee9449b2">bridesmaid out</a>:
    [QUOTE]My wedding is October 16, 2010.  I have been having some dilemmas with one of my bridesmaids.  She unexpectedly got pregnant and had her child in March.  Since then she has been MIA from all activities (non-wedding related).  When she is invited to things she always has some excuse as to why she can't make it.  Anyway, I have been really worried that she will not make it the day of the wedding.  We had a long talk today and decided that I would take her out of the wedding.  So here is my dilemma....do I simply go with an uneven number of bridesmaids compared to groomsmen or do I try to find someone else.  My other dilemma is I am not sure that any of my other close friends/relatives would fit into the size dress she bought.  I would prefer to not have an uneven number in the wedding party but I am thinking it might be rude to ask someone this close to the wedding.  What are you girls thoughts on the whole thing????  My fiance and MOH aren't a lot of help as they think it is my decision.
    Posted by JLa2888[/QUOTE]
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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    What nonwedding related stuff are you inviting her to? Most new mothers don't go out to the bars all night anymore or have a ton of money to spend on spa trips etc.  Also, are you expecting her to get a sitter?  They can be hard to find especially for new parents.  The fact that you kicked her out of your wedding is VERY rude and replacing her would be even worse.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:e5fcae57-21f9-4066-b1e5-09725371d8a4Post:a9dde3be-2c86-4392-b5dc-96fbee9449b2">bridesmaid out</a>:
    [QUOTE]My wedding is October 16, 2010<strong>.  I have been having some dilemmas with one of my bridesmaids.  She unexpectedly got pregnant and had her child in March.  Since then she has been MIA from all activities</strong> (non-wedding related).  When she is invited to things she always has some excuse as to why she can't make it.  Anyway, I have been really worried that she will not make it the day of the wedding.  We had a long talk today and decided that I would take her out of the wedding.  So here is my dilemma....do I simply go with an uneven number of bridesmaids compared to groomsmen or do I try to find someone else.  My other dilemma is I am not sure that any of my other close friends/relatives would fit into the size dress she bought.  I would prefer to not have an uneven number in the wedding party but I am thinking it might be rude to ask someone this close to the wedding.  What are you girls thoughts on the whole thing????  My fiance and MOH aren't a lot of help as they think it is my decision.
    Posted by JLa2888[/QUOTE]


    Are you serious?  Your bridesmaid got pregnant and now has a baby to care and now your saying she's making excuses for not attending the events?

    There is no excuse.  She has a baby to take care of.  She does not have to attend any event, wedding related or not.  She has a baby to take care of and it's a lot of work.. and when she isn't taking care of baby, such as when husband gets home, she is tired and exhausted and needs to relax.  Caring for a baby is very tiring and wearing on a person. 

    Why are you worried that she won't make it to your wedding?  That is insane, of course she will make it to the wedding.  A wedding is important, unlike all the other events and activities you mentioned.  

    You were wrong to kick out your bridesmaid.  You obviously think this wedding revolves all around you and you don't seem to care at all about your friend or your friends new baby.  It seems like you make things to be all about you and you have no concern for the other people around you.  That was a lot of crap to say that "She's been MIA from all events and just makes excuses".  

    Really, if she's invited to an event, she has to the right to say no without any explanation at all.  You can't control whether she comes or not.  And it's certainly not a good reason to kick someone out of your wedding party.

    Also, no you can not replace her or have someone else take her place.  That would be rude to the new person and make them feel like second best and not good enough to be asked the first time around 
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    Just to play devils advocate here, you said you "had a long talk" so perhaps did she express an interest in not participating due to the new circumstances as opposed to getting "kicked out" and is she still invited to the wedding and going to try to come?  I'm just not sure all the facts are straight...  BUT, regardless, I wouldn't ask someone else last minute.  Just have an uneven bridal party.  Ours may be uneven anyway - no big deal. 
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    edited August 2010
    OP, I don't think you realize how hard it is caring for a new baby. Even if she had her child in March, the baby is only 5 months old now!  Of course she's busy and of course there will be times when she can't come to things - give her a break! 

    Now that you've decided to remove her from your wedding party, as you said, do NOT replace her. Your wedding is not a play and you don't need an understudy. It's extremely insulting both to the girl you kicked out and whomever you ask now (2 months before your wedding), as that person will know they weren't first choice and are only being asked a place filler. Which is totally not necessary, by the way. The show will go on with one less BM. Uneven sides are pretty common these days, anyway. We had 4 BMs and 3 GMs. The wedding was beautiful and the matchy matchy obsession some brides seem to have is so silly.

    I suggest you apologize to your friend and be a little more understanding that she's adjusting to new motherhood. Especially if this was an unexpected pregnancy, as you tell us, she may still be wrapping her brain around her newly changed life and I'm sure she'd appreciate the support more than the put down of being told she's not doing enough to warrant standing up for you on your wedding day.
    The Bump ate my signature. DD - Apr 2011 DS - expected June 2013
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:e5fcae57-21f9-4066-b1e5-09725371d8a4Post:d9a97419-7281-45db-93fb-2c2355be9e71">Re: bridesmaid out</a>:
    [QUOTE]Just to play devils advocate here, <strong>you said you "had a long talk" so perhaps did she express an interest in not participating due to the new circumstances as opposed to getting "kicked out" </strong>and is she still invited to the wedding and going to try to come?  I'm just not sure all the facts are straight...  BUT, regardless, I wouldn't ask someone else last minute.  Just have an uneven bridal party.  Ours may be uneven anyway - no big deal. 
    Posted by balasj[/QUOTE]

    I have to disagree that the bridesmaid was the one who expressed and interest in removing herself from the wedding party.

    <strong>Op said... "We had a long talk today and decided that I would take her out of the wedding. "
    </strong>
    OP said she decided to take her bridesmaid out of the wedding because her bridesmaid wasn't participating in non-wedding related activities.  That is really not even a good reason to kick someone out.  Just because her bridesmaid with a 5 month old doesn't want to go clubbing with them, or out to dinner, or out drinking etc..
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    I only suggest because a friend was once talking about how her sister was asked to be a BM and since she was pregnant she respectfully declined to be one.  I think that's not always the norm but some ladies may realize that they aren't up to the tasks that come with being a BM due to other circumstances that come up - like babies etc. 
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    Asking a replacement is rude yet would be the least rude thing you will have done.

    Did you really get jealous that a new mom gave her offspring more attention than you?  Really?
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:e5fcae57-21f9-4066-b1e5-09725371d8a4Post:e5567a6d-8e7e-4b2c-8b41-52626f8f8ed6">Re: bridesmaid out</a>:
    [QUOTE]I only suggest because a friend was once talking about how her sister was asked to be a BM and since she was pregnant she respectfully declined to be one.  I think that's not always the norm but <strong>some ladies may realize that they aren't up to the tasks that come with being a BM</strong> due to other circumstances that come up - like babies etc. 
    Posted by balasj[/QUOTE]

    There are no tasks that come with being a bridesmaid.  All bridesmaid has to do is buy the dress and show up to the RD and wedding. 

    Like other posters said, the bridesmaid is probably looking foward to the wedding day and a night away from the baby to let loose and have fun for a day.  If you have a baby, you can't do that every day or every weekend, but you can have one special day, the wedding day, to be there for her friend.

    The OP was just mad that this bridesmaid wasn't attending the non-wedding events and gatherings that she was invited to and thought she was making excuses.  Having a baby is a pretty good excuse, and the bride should have been a little more understanding and caring about her friend.  

    The OP really made herself seem self centered.  Instead of getting mad that her friend is not coming out with her and the rest of the bm's, maybe the bride should think that maybe she should go visit her friend and the baby.  That would be a nice gesture.  If she wants to see her friend or care about spending time with her, maybe she should go visit her instead of the other way around. 

    I don't know why your assuming the bridemaid withdrew herself.  The OP said herself that she decided herself to get rid of her bridesmaid.  It's all here.  Her post alone shows that she really didn't want her bm in her wedding party anymore.



    <strong>I have been having some dilemmas with one of my bridesmaids."</strong>

    <strong>she has been MIA from all activities (non-wedding related)."

    When she is invited to things she always has some excuse as to why she can't make it.</strong> "

    <strong>We had a long talk today and decided that I would take her out of the wedding." </strong>

    How much more clear do you want it?
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e5fcae57-21f9-4066-b1e5-09725371d8a4Post:e5567a6d-8e7e-4b2c-8b41-52626f8f8ed6">Re: bridesmaid out</a>:
    [QUOTE]I only suggest because a friend was once talking about how her sister was asked to be a BM and since she was pregnant she respectfully declined to be one.  I think that's not always the norm but some ladies may realize that they aren't up to the tasks that come with being a BM due to other circumstances that come up - like babies etc. 
    Posted by balasj[/QUOTE]
    You buy a dress and attend the wedding.  That's the extent of the BM tasks.  Don't perpetuate the myth that a pregnancy means you can't do anything anymore, or that a BM has to give many months of service to the bride.
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    My MOH had a 9 month old at the wedding, and my sister had a 5 month old.  Yes, I didn't really see much of MOH after the kidlet was born, but that was sort of expected.  (My sister lives out of state, so I didn't see her at all from the time she got pregnant until the wedding.)  They both managed to find a dress, hold flowers, and walk down the aisle just fine, thus fulfilling their roles as bridesmaids.

    I think kicking your friend out was an extraordinarily jerky thing to do, and you owe her some profuse apologizing just for starters.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
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    jaimed99jaimed99 member
    First Comment
    edited August 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e5fcae57-21f9-4066-b1e5-09725371d8a4Post:a838bff0-1159-48ba-97e8-2c603466b70d">Re: bridesmaid out</a>:
    [QUOTE]As a new mom, I'm offended for her.  It takes a lot of work to take care of a baby and her baby is not "some excuse as to why she can't make it".  I can't believe you kicked her out of the WP. No, don't find a replacement for her; that will just add insult to injury.  Have an uneven WP.    And apologize to your friend for treating her like crap.
    Posted by Mrs.B6302007[/QUOTE]

    <div>This...I am both a "new" mom and an "old" mom (I have an 8-year old and a 14-month old) and if I were your "friend", OP, I would be horribly offended if I were told that being pregnant/having a new baby meant that I was no longer good enough to stand beside you on your wedding day.</div><div>
    </div><div>Then again, maybe it's better for your friend that you booted her...she really doesn't need to be dealing with childishness and selfishness when she has a baby to take care of...</div><div>
    </div><div>And your FI and MOH are probably not saying anything because they don't want to tell you that you're being a horrible friend.</div>
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:e5fcae57-21f9-4066-b1e5-09725371d8a4Post:cdccc02f-5fd8-4f33-9552-b183f73e935f">Re: bridesmaid out</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: bridesmaid out : This...I am both a "new" mom and an "old" mom (I have an 8-year old and a 14-month old) and if I were your "friend", OP, I would be horribly offended if I were told that being pregnant/having a new baby meant that I was no longer good enough to stand beside you on your wedding day. Then again, maybe it's better for your friend that you booted her...she really doesn't need to be dealing with childishness and selfishness when she has a baby to take care of... And your FI and MOH are probably not saying anything because they don't want to tell you that you're being a horrible friend.
    Posted by jaimed99[/QUOTE]


    Yeah OP is basically holding it against her that her friend has a baby.

    Now, will a boss assume, "Oh she has a baby and she hasn't attended any non-work events, so I am just going to assume that she won't come to work anymore, so I'm gonna fire her"
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    Oh yeah, I should add that my sister is an ER nurse, and she worked up until about a week or two before her delivery.  Yes, some women have high-risk pregnancies and have to take it easy, but in general, pregnancy is NOT a disability.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
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    Yeah I worked up until 12 days before the baby was born.  AND the day I went into labor I went to a shower an hour away.. here I am 9 months pregnant (of course I was about a week early and had no clue I would give birth the next day).. So I was pregnant and then drove an hour home...

    and that night I started having contractions and had my daughter the next morning!  After being at the shore an hour away and therefore not resting at home like I should have.. (my own fault) but still I did not complain and had NO problem attending the shower.. I wanted to be there to enjoy my time with everyone and eat the food lol.
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    Ok, let me straighten some things out.....we discussed a lot of things and she was not KICKED OUT.  She stated that she did not feel that she was able to handle the responsibilities and was feeling stressed about it.  I discussed that I wanted her to be there and it was HER decision to step out of that role.  As for the "non-wedding" events I am talking about simply getting together or coming to visit her and the baby.  It does NOT mean drunk fests and always doing things to spend money.  All of us have tried to be VERY supportive of her, the baby and the stress that causes.  And YES, she is still invited to the wedding and she stated that she would be able to enjoy herself more as a guest than a bridesmaid.  On another note....another one of my bridesmaids has 3 children...a 5, 3 and 2 month old...and SHE is VERY involved.  That isn't an excuse but I am saying that it can be done.  I would like if she were standing there with me that day...but SHE preferred to be out.....what was I supposed to tell her....NO, you accepted that role and you can't change your mind????....I don't think you would like that response either.  I AM trying to take her feelings into consideration....but I guess that isn't the message that got conveyed.   
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e5fcae57-21f9-4066-b1e5-09725371d8a4Post:a9dde3be-2c86-4392-b5dc-96fbee9449b2">bridesmaid out</a>:
    [QUOTE]We had a long talk today and decided that I would take her out of the wedding.  
    Posted by JLa2888[/QUOTE]

    <div>If she decided to step down, why did you write that YOU decided to take her out of the wedding?  Can you understand why 20 different people got that idea?  </div><div>
    </div><div>You need to keep the focus on substance here, not style.  Leave the rest of the WP unchanged.  Even sides are not mandatory.  But focusing on how it will look after you, um, kicked your friend out is a lack of priorities and perspective.</div>
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e5fcae57-21f9-4066-b1e5-09725371d8a4Post:3474788c-51e6-421e-8460-101c9de9c5f3">Re: bridesmaid out</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ok, let me straighten some things out.....we discussed a lot of things and she was not KICKED OUT.  She stated that she did not feel that she was able to handle the responsibilities and was feeling stressed about it. <strong> I discussed that I wanted her to be there and it was HER decision to step out of that role</strong>.  As for the "non-wedding" events I am talking about simply getting together or coming to visit her and the baby.  It does NOT mean drunk fests and always doing things to spend money.  All of us have tried to be VERY supportive of her, the baby and the stress that causes.  And YES, she is still invited to the wedding and she stated that she would be able to enjoy herself more as a guest than a bridesmaid.  <strong>On another note....another one of my bridesmaids has 3 children...a 5, 3 and 2 month old...and SHE is VERY involved. </strong> That isn't an excuse but I am saying that it can be done.  I would like if she were standing there with me that day...but SHE preferred to be out.....what was I supposed to tell her....NO, you accepted that role and you can't change your mind????....I don't think you would like that response either.  I AM trying to take her feelings into consideration....but I guess that isn't the message that got conveyed.   
    Posted by JLa2888[/QUOTE]

    That's good - it really did not come across as her decision in your first post, but I'm glad to hear that it was. My answer is still that you don't replace her. Plenty of people purposely have uneven sides because really, you and your FI aren't always going to have the exact same number of best friends.

    I do think that you need to readjust your expectations of your friend. It sounds like this is her first child, and if she didn't intend to get pregnant she probably didn't have her life set up to be a parent in terms of finances, free time, partner, etc. Your other friend has 3 kids, and of course that's a lot of work, but it also means that she's more used to being a parent and probably doesn't feel as overwhelmed and it kind of indicates that she is in a place in her life where she chose to take on all that responsibility. Be a little more understanding of your ex-BM.
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    Go back and read your OP please.  What you wrote in that, and what you wrote in your follow up present two very different scenarios.  We can only comment on what people write.

    And just food for thought:  I was a completely different mom by the time my third child (in four years!) was born.  I had learned how to budget my time better, and what mattered and what didn't.

    Give your friend a break.  Your BM with 3 kids is now firmly in the "experienced mom" court.  You can't really compare the two women.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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    Mrs.B6302007Mrs.B6302007 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment Combo Breaker
    edited August 2010
    What's that sound?  Could it be the sound of backpedaling?

    I'm not buying it.  I don't understand how this went from YOU being "really worried that she won't make it the day of the wedding" to HER saying that "she did not feel that she was able to handle the responsibilities and was feeling stressed about it" to YOU saying that you wanted her to be there and that it was HER decision to step out of that role.  It's highly possible that she suddenly decided that she couldn't handle it  by the power of suggestion from someone.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:e5fcae57-21f9-4066-b1e5-09725371d8a4Post:b4adb11e-0eb3-405d-a5c2-c638f32ef74f">Re: bridesmaid out</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: bridesmaid out : Yeah OP is basically holding it against her that her friend has a baby. Now, will a boss assume, "Oh she has a baby and she hasn't attended any non-work events, so I am just going to assume that she won't come to work anymore, so I'm gonna fire her"
    Posted by PeonyPrincesskdd[/QUOTE]

    Peony, how do make the jump from "someone doesn't want to hang out with friends" to a boss firing someone for not attending non-work events and then the boss assuming she won't come to work anymore either?

    Dial it back please.  That completely sounded like a Michael Scott moment.  It made no sense at all.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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    edited August 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:e5fcae57-21f9-4066-b1e5-09725371d8a4Post:c64f7ebd-96ca-444b-ac6a-8bb63c15fc83">Re: bridesmaid out</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: bridesmaid out : Peony, how do make the jump from "someone doesn't want to hang out with friends" to a boss firing someone for not attending non-work events and then the boss assuming she won't come to work anymore either? Dial it back please.  That completely sounded like a Michael Scott moment.  It made no sense at all.
    Posted by trix1223[/QUOTE]


    I guess I was too much into analogies when I was studying for the GRE..and I didn't make any sense at all.

    Basically the bride said "Okay this bridesmaid has a baby and now doesn't want to attend any non-wedding events/activities.. so that MUST mean she won't attend the wedding".. The bride said that based on her lack of attendance on these events that she might not show up to the wedding.. so she wanted to remove her bm from her role in the wedding as bm.

    so I was thinking if a boss had invited a worker to some non-work related events and then said, "She's not attending the events because she has a baby now, maybe now she won't attend work".. I know it doesn't make sense..

    but  it also does not make sense that because a bridesmaid isn't attending events , that it automatically means that she won't be attending the wedding. 

    We all found out a few posts ago that the bridesmaid is in fact attending the wedding so the  bride was wrong with her first post of saying that because the bm has a baby and isn't attending events that she is afraid she won't attend the wedding..

    .... when the real reason was that the bride was afraid that the bm couldn't handle any responsibilities.

    I still don't know what responsibilities were put on the bridesmaid to make her step down from the wedding party. (assuming she wasn't kicked out)

    also I am sorry for confusing you, but I was also confused with the OP when she said about the bm not attending events so she's afraid she won't be attending the wedding..
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e5fcae57-21f9-4066-b1e5-09725371d8a4Post:3474788c-51e6-421e-8460-101c9de9c5f3">Re: bridesmaid out</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ok, let me straighten some things out.....we discussed a lot of things and she was not KICKED OUT.  She stated that she did not feel that she was able to handle the responsibilities and was feeling stressed about it.  I discussed that I wanted her to be there and it was HER decision to step out of that role.  As for the "non-wedding" events I am talking about simply getting together or coming to visit her and the baby.  It does NOT mean drunk fests and always doing things to spend money.  All of us have tried to be VERY supportive of her, the baby and the stress that causes.  And YES, she is still invited to the wedding and she stated that she would be able to enjoy herself more as a guest than a bridesmaid.  On another note....another one of my bridesmaids has 3 children...a 5, 3 and 2 month old...and SHE is VERY involved.  That isn't an excuse but I am saying that it can be done.  I would like if she were standing there with me that day...but SHE preferred to be out.....what was I supposed to tell her....NO, you accepted that role and you can't change your mind????....I don't think you would like that response either.  I AM trying to take her feelings into consideration....but I guess that isn't the message that got conveyed.   
    Posted by JLa2888[/QUOTE]

    If she decided to step down why the heck would you need to post?
    If you want to replace her, read one of the other million posts about replacing a bridesmaid.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e5fcae57-21f9-4066-b1e5-09725371d8a4Post:4b89457a-d26e-4ff4-b0a6-4217c37af491">Re: bridesmaid out</a>:
    [QUOTE]Go back and read your OP please.  What you wrote in that, and what you wrote in your follow up present two very different scenarios.  We can only comment on what people write. And just food for thought:  I was a completely different mom by the time my third child (in four years!) was born.  I had learned how to budget my time better, and what mattered and what didn't. <strong>Give your friend a break.  Your BM with 3 kids is now firmly in the "experienced mom" court.  You can't really compare the two women.</strong>
    Posted by trix1223[/QUOTE]

    This exactly. In fact, you can't even compare 2 women with the same number of kids.  Everyone handles their parenting and children differently.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e5fcae57-21f9-4066-b1e5-09725371d8a4Post:c64f7ebd-96ca-444b-ac6a-8bb63c15fc83">Re: bridesmaid out</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: bridesmaid out : Peony, how do make the jump from "someone doesn't want to hang out with friends" to a boss firing someone for not attending non-work events and then the boss assuming she won't come to work anymore either? Dial it back please.  That completely sounded like a Michael Scott moment.  It made no sense at all.
    Posted by trix1223[/QUOTE]

    Ahahaha
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:e5fcae57-21f9-4066-b1e5-09725371d8a4Post:e5567a6d-8e7e-4b2c-8b41-52626f8f8ed6">Re: bridesmaid out</a>:
    [QUOTE]I only suggest because a friend was once talking about how her sister was asked to be a BM and <strong>since she was pregnant she respectfully declined to be one.</strong>  I think that's not always the norm but some ladies may realize that they aren't up to the tasks that come with being a BM due to other circumstances that come up - like babies etc. 
    Posted by balasj[/QUOTE]

    What is wrong with a pregnant BM? And the "tasks" of a BM are simply to show up. Its a bonus when they do the extras (bridal shower, bachelorette party) but those things shouldn't be expected. And if I were you, I would be speed-dialing your friend to apologize.

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e5fcae57-21f9-4066-b1e5-09725371d8a4Post:d8181a0c-e5b0-49c7-9e99-0ea09eeb5974">Re: bridesmaid out</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: bridesmaid out : What is wrong with a pregnant BM? And the "tasks" of a BM are simply to show up. Its a bonus when they do the extras (bridal shower, bachelorette party) but those things shouldn't be expected. And if I were you, I would be speed-dialing your friend to apologize.
    Posted by ReneeJacob[/QUOTE]
    Didn't you know? Pregnant bridesmaids take attention away from the bride, duh!
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