Problems with future sister-in-law

rinea1982

okay, here's the deal. My fiance's sister has been very trifling since we got engaged and she is a bridesmaid in the wedding. The problem is that she has been avoiding me every since we got engaged. She didn't show up to our wedding party meeting, she never responds to any of my text messages and she's not attending my bridal shower. When I asked her if there was there a problem she said no and acting like she didn't know what I was talking about. I really want her out of the wedding and i'm really starting not to like her at all. but I don't want to cause any friction between my fiance and his family. oh I forgot she jumped up and got married 4 months before our wedding. Is appropiate for me to tell her she's out of the wedding?

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_future-sister-law-hell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e7b4a7a0-9dfe-4b20-bc12-2c4d9e7f17fePost:a58a425b-fbb3-45b2-bb59-0860ec34208e">Problems with future sister-in-law</a>:
[QUOTE]okay, here's the deal. My fiance's sister has been very trifling since we got engaged and she is a bridesmaid in the wedding. The problem is that she has been avoiding me every since we got engaged. She didn't show up to our wedding party meeting, she never responds to any of my text messages and she's not attending my bridal shower. When I asked her if there was there a problem she said no and acting like she didn't know what I was talking about. I really want her out of the wedding and i'm really starting not to like her at all. but I don't want to cause any friction between my fiance and his family. oh I forgot she jumped up and got married 4 months before our wedding. Is appropiate for me to tell her she's out of the wedding?
Posted by rinea1982[/QUOTE]

<div>Nope, you already will know what will happen. A LOT of drama and you will be the bad guy aka Bridezilla. As long as she has her dress, all she needs to do is show up for you and your FI wedding day. All that stuff she hasn't came to is NOT mandatory and her getting married 4 months before you is not a big deal (you get <strong><em>one</em></strong> day, not 4 months or season, etc)
<div>
</div></div>

Licia&Wayne

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_future-sister-law-hell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:e7b4a7a0-9dfe-4b20-bc12-2c4d9e7f17fePost:a58a425b-fbb3-45b2-bb59-0860ec34208e">Problems with future sister-in-law</a>:
[QUOTE]okay, here's the deal. My fiance's sister has been very trifling since we got engaged and she is a bridesmaid in the wedding. The problem is that she has been avoiding me every since we got engaged. She didn't show up to our wedding party meeting, she never responds to any of my text messages and she's not attending my bridal shower. When I asked her if there was there a problem she said no and acting like she didn't know what I was talking about. I really want her out of the wedding and i'm really starting not to like her at all. but I don't want to cause any friction between my fiance and his family. oh I forgot she jumped up and got married 4 months before our wedding. <strong>Is appropiate for me to tell her she's out of the wedding?
</strong>Posted by rinea1982[/QUOTE]

No.

There are a ton of posts here dealing with situations like this. Are you really wanting a lifetime of friction with your FILs over this? So she couldn't come to meetings. So she didn't go to your shower. So she doesn't reply to your texts. Sounds like she's busy.

Do not let little things like that get under your skin. Her only job is to show up in her dress at your wedding, smile for pictures and have a great time. Forget about giving her the boot.

emilykathleen511

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_future-sister-law-hell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e7b4a7a0-9dfe-4b20-bc12-2c4d9e7f17fePost:a58a425b-fbb3-45b2-bb59-0860ec34208e">Problems with future sister-in-law</a>:
[QUOTE]okay, here's the deal. My fiance's sister has been very trifling since we got engaged and she is a bridesmaid in the wedding. The problem is that she has been avoiding me every since we got engaged. She didn't show up to our wedding party meeting, she never responds to any of my text messages and she's not attending my bridal shower. When I asked her if there was there a problem she said no and acting like she didn't know what I was talking about. I really want her out of the wedding and i'm really starting not to like her at all. but I don't want to cause any friction between my fiance and his family. oh I forgot she jumped up and got married 4 months before our wedding. Is appropiate for me to tell her she's out of the wedding?
Posted by rinea1982[/QUOTE]

<div>NO! It is definitely not appropriate to kick her out of the wedding when she has not done a thing wrong! Kicking someone out of the wedding is a very public slight and will end up making you look bad--not her (even if she HAD done something wrong, you would still be the one who looked bad). The ONLY way it is appropriate to kick someone out of your wedding is if they did something like physically assault you or try to sleep with your FI. Kicking her out is a friendship-ending move; however, in this case, she is about to become part of your family, so you kicking her out would really start you off on the wrong foot with your in-laws and possibly cause a rift in the family that could last years.</div><div>
</div><div>Your FSIL does NOT need to attend fittings or showers or pre-wedding "meetings" or anything else. The ONLY things that she needs to do are:</div><div>
</div><div>1. show up the day of the wedding (preferably clean and sober)</div><div>2. wear previously agreed upon attire</div><div>3. walk down the aisle</div><div>4. stand quietly for the ceremony</div><div>5. smile for pictures</div><div>
</div><div>Consider anything she does on top of that to be icing on the cake.</div>

Jelenny

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_future-sister-law-hell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:e7b4a7a0-9dfe-4b20-bc12-2c4d9e7f17fePost:a58a425b-fbb3-45b2-bb59-0860ec34208e">Problems with future sister-in-law</a>:
[QUOTE]okay, here's the deal. My fiance's sister has been very trifling since we got engaged and she is a bridesmaid in the wedding. The problem is that she has been avoiding me every since we got engaged. <strong>She didn't show up to our wedding party meeting, she never responds to any of my text messages and she's not attending my bridal shower</strong>. When I asked her if there was there a problem she said no and acting like she didn't know what I was talking about. I really want her out of the wedding and i'm really starting not to like her at all. but I don't want to cause any friction between my fiance and his family. oh I forgot she jumped up and got married 4 months before our wedding. Is appropiate for me to tell her she's out of the wedding?
Posted by rinea1982[/QUOTE]

how much stuff are you exactly doing for the wedding party....i can't say i have any meetings scheduled

if you are being over the top she might be like me and avoid...when i feel smothered i totally avoid to get some space

mbcdefg

So, you're pissed that someone you don't like to begin with isn't showering you with attention?

Viczaesar

Why did you have a wedding party meeting?  What have you been texting her about?

Licia&Wayne

I would like to know what was talked about at the WP meeting, too. I just can't imagine anything like that needing to happen. I'm thinking the only topics that could be discussed are "Walking: The art of" and "Smiling for pictures: Reflecting on the happiness within."

But seriously, why was the meeting necessary?

MairePoppy

PPs  have covered it all again.
But I really would like to know, too, what is the purpose of a wedding party meeting?

mysticl

I'm with everyone else on the "what is a wedding party meeting" band wagon?   

suz62984

I don't think you can kick her out without looking like the bad guy. It will also end your friendship. If you really don't like her then break up with her as a friend and the wedding stuff will be understood.

Seriously, what is a wedding party meeting? Haven't heard of this.

emilykathleen511

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_future-sister-law-hell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e7b4a7a0-9dfe-4b20-bc12-2c4d9e7f17fePost:5db7a7d3-a1c0-4932-b3e9-628cf0f6726d">Re: Problems with future sister-in-law</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't think you can kick her out without looking like the bad guy. It will also end your friendship. If you really don't like her then break up with her as a friend and the wedding stuff will be understood. Seriously, what is a wedding party meeting? Haven't heard of this.
Posted by suz62984[/QUOTE]

<div>Only problem with "ending the friendship" is that this is her FSIL...</div>

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_future-sister-law-hell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e7b4a7a0-9dfe-4b20-bc12-2c4d9e7f17fePost:a58a425b-fbb3-45b2-bb59-0860ec34208e">Problems with future sister-in-law</a>:
[QUOTE]okay, here's the deal. My fiance's sister has been very trifling since we got engaged and she is a bridesmaid in the wedding. The problem is that she has been avoiding me every since we got engaged. She didn't show up to our wedding party meeting <strong>What exactly does one need a Wedding Party meeting for?  Chances are better than good that I'd skip that too.
</strong>
, she never responds to any of my text messages <strong> Are they all wedding related?  What does she need to respond to?</strong>

 and she's not attending my bridal shower. Not required. <strong> How about if your focus on the people who were there, rather than whining about those who weren't~particularly when attendance is not mandated.</strong> 

 When I asked her if there was there a problem she said no and acting like she didn't know what I was talking about. I really want her out of the wedding and i'm really starting not to like her at all. but I don't want to cause any friction between my fiance and his family.  <strong>Yeah, do you really want to hear about this at every Thanksgiving, Christmas, and summer BBQ for the next 20 years?  jBecause if you kick her out, you will.</strong>

oh I forgot she jumped up and got married 4 months before our wedding. Is appropiate for me to tell her she's out of the wedding?  <strong>You know the answer.  And my guess is that she's just "weddinged out" after going through her own 4 months ago.  Relax.  You're making this bigger than it needs to be or should be.  Stop focusing on the negative.  I'm quite sure there are a lot of wonderful positive things going on for you right now.  So why direct all your attention to the one negative?</strong>
Posted by rinea1982[/QUOTE]

Manwaithiel

Why does it matter that she got married 4 months before you?

suz62984

Thanks emily - read it wrong. Its your FSIL. Suck it up!!!!! Just for the sake of your relationship with FI. He may not ever say it, but being enemies with his sister...he'll come to resent you for it. His family won't like you either, which means that you and hubby will have a harder time staying together with mounting pressures. I'm not saying that he will def. choose their side. I'm just saying that you shouldn't do anything that would put him in the position of having to choose sides....like kicking out his sister.

rinea1982

A wedding party meeting is when the bride, groom, and wedding coordinator meets with the wedding party to discuss their positon, wedding attire, and responsibilties, costs, dates and times etc, so no one is left in the dark about what they are supposed to do and just to fellowship with everyone and to get to know one another. Maybe that seems over the top for some people, but i am a very family-oriented person and like to get to know people if they are going to be involved in my wedding.

rinea1982

I didn't say I never liked her, I said I'm starting not to like her. and it's not because i want her giving me alot attention. But if you agreed to be in my wedding and everytime I see you or try calling you, and you avoid me. Wouldn't you think something was wrong? Just saying!!

rinea1982

There was a underlying problem there from the get go. The wedding is just intensifying the problem and i don't want her standing there if she doesn't support me. But i don't want to make my fiance upset either.

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_future-sister-law-hell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e7b4a7a0-9dfe-4b20-bc12-2c4d9e7f17fePost:e82e2246-7bee-4716-bd52-4b10b8ca856a">Re: Problems with future sister-in-law</a>:
[QUOTE]A wedding party meeting is when the bride, groom, and wedding coordinator meets with the wedding party to discuss their positon, wedding attire, and responsibilties, costs, dates and times etc, so no one is left in the dark about what they are supposed to do and just to fellowship with everyone and to get to know one another. Maybe that seems over the top for some people, but i am a very family-oriented person and like to get to know people if they are going to be involved in my wedding.
Posted by rinea1982[/QUOTE]

No, sorry, it just is over the top. You can talk to your attendants about their attire (staying within their budgets), and your FI can do the same with his. Beyond that, their absolute responsabilities are to show up to your wedding at the time you ask, and unless there's some major conflict to do the same for the rehearsal, and that's information you can send via e-mail or in a phone call. Anything beyond that is either you asking a favor (ie. they are not obligated to help you with wedding errands) or them being nice friends and offering to help, neither of which requires a planning meeting. You, your FI and your coordinator are the only people with the responsability of actually planning anything. You asked these people because YOU are close with them, but they don't have to be close with each other.

[QUOTE]There was a underlying problem there from the get go. The wedding is just intensifying the problem and i don't want her standing there if she doesn't support me. But i don't want to make my fiance upset either.
Posted by rinea1982[/QUOTE]

So you had a problem with her from the start, and you still have a problem with her. Great, nothing's changed then, so there's no reason to worry. Leave her in the wedding as your FSIL, give her only essential information to avoid overloading her on wedding talk, and continue the relationship you two have always had.

AutumnFair

<div><div><span style="color:#000000;font-family:Times;font-size:medium;line-height:normal;" class="Apple-style-span"><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-repeat:initial;background-attachment:initial;-webkit-background-clip:initial;-webkit-background-origin:initial;color:#1f1f1f;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;text-align:left;">In Response to <a style="text-decoration:none;font-weight:normal;color:#1f1f1f;" href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_future-sister-law-hell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e7b4a7a0-9dfe-4b20-bc12-2c4d9e7f17fePost:e82e2246-7bee-4716-bd52-4b10b8ca856a">Re: Problems with future sister-in-law</a>:
[QUOTE]A wedding party meeting is when the bride, groom, and wedding coordinator meets with the wedding party to discuss their positon, wedding attire, and responsibilties, costs, dates and times etc, so no one is left in the dark about what they are supposed to do and just to fellowship with everyone and to get to know one another. Maybe that seems over the top for some people, but i am a very family-oriented person and like to get to know people if they are going to be involved in my wedding.
Posted by rinea1982[/QUOTE]

<div>I don't care if it was my sister, cousin, BFF wedding, I would not go to something that tells me what I need to do to be in this wedding, last time I checked a phone, email, or text can tell me what's going on. What you are doing is micromanaging at a ridiculous level and "family-oriented" is the wrong word to use, I would say "bridezilla" because that exactly what you are being when making sure your WP know what their "tasks" and "duties" are. </div></div></span></div><div>
</div>In Response to <a style="text-decoration:none;font-weight:normal;color:#1f1f1f;" href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_future-sister-law-hell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e7b4a7a0-9dfe-4b20-bc12-2c4d9e7f17fePost:2860a8e2-db81-4893-922f-9f3e647cfa25">Re: Problems with future sister-in-law</a>:
[QUOTE]There was a underlying problem there from the get go. The wedding is just intensifying the problem and i don't want her standing there if she doesn't support me. But i don't want to make my fiance upset either.
Posted by rinea1982[/QUOTE]</div><div>
</div><div>Hold on, did you just contradict yourself? Your previous post.</div><div>
</div>In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_future-sister-law-hell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e7b4a7a0-9dfe-4b20-bc12-2c4d9e7f17fePost:d9270e0c-2a80-4887-9247-9e4ae1763469">Re: Problems with future sister-in-law</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I didn't say I never liked her, I said I'm starting not to like her.</strong> and it's not because i want her giving me alot attention. But if you agreed to be in my wedding and everytime I see you or try calling you, and you avoid me. Wouldn't you think something was wrong? Just saying!!
Posted by rinea1982[/QUOTE]

<div>So what is this underlying problem if you never had a problem with her until now? </div><div>
</div><div>Anyway, doesn't matter if she isn't talking to you as long as she has her dress you <strong><em><span class="Apple-style-span"><span style="text-decoration:underline;" class="Apple-style-span">can not kick her out</span><span style="text-decoration:underline;font-style:normal;font-weight:normal;" class="Apple-style-span">.</span><span style="font-style:normal;font-weight:normal;" class="Apple-style-span"> You will hurt your FI (along with your future in-laws) feelings, and if you think there is some kind of underlying problem now, kicking her out is a huge move to hold a grudge for a long time. Once again, chill out, as long as she has her dress tell her what time to show up on your wedding day and let all this drama </span><span style="font-weight:normal;" class="Apple-style-span">you</span><span style="font-style:normal;font-weight:normal;" class="Apple-style-span"> are causing go.</span></span></em></strong></div>

aerinpegadrak

If a bride told me I needed to attend any sort of "wedding party meeting" other than the actual rehearsal, that would be my cue to exit stage right rather than deal with that level of crazy up until the wedding day.  Fully, completely, and entirely unnecessary.

mysticl

I don't understand the part about wanting to get to know the people in your wedding.  I mean you asked them so don't you know them?  Did you ask strangers?  If you mean you don't know the people your FI asked very well and vice versa then just make plans to have dinner with them as individuals and not make it about the wedding.  Like my FI doesn't know one of the BM, she's my niece and when I have taken him home her family hasn't been able to make the trip home so he won't meet her till the wedding.  But then will have a lifetime to get to know her.  As for the wedding party getting to know each other some of these people may never see each other again, they don't need to be friends. 

Manwaithiel

I STILL do not understand why it matters if she gets married 4 months before you?

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_future-sister-law-hell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e7b4a7a0-9dfe-4b20-bc12-2c4d9e7f17fePost:e82e2246-7bee-4716-bd52-4b10b8ca856a">Re: Problems with future sister-in-law</a>:
[QUOTE]A wedding party meeting is when the bride, groom, and wedding coordinator meets with the wedding party to discuss their positon, wedding attire, and responsibilties, costs, dates and times etc, so no one is left in the dark about what they are supposed to do and just to fellowship with everyone and to get to know one another. Maybe that seems over the top for some people, but i am a very family-oriented person and like to get to know people if they are going to be involved in my wedding.
Posted by rinea1982[/QUOTE]

And you need an in person meeting to tell them costs, dates, times, etc?  You couldn't do that with one group email? 

As for "fellowship with each other, and to get to know one another":  your WP is your WP.  The one thing they all have in common is you.  They probably won't become, nor to they need to become, a new social group to be in a WP.

They'll be friendly toward each other on wedding day.  And then it's highly likely that those who don't already know each other will never, ever see each other again.  And that's fine.

And who would be involved in your wedding that you don't already know?  If it's one of your FI's attendants, they're HIS attendants.  You'll get to know them, but a forced WP meeting to "fellowship" is just silly.

You're trying too hard to force relationships where there just don't need to be relationships.

marinabreeze

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_future-sister-law-hell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e7b4a7a0-9dfe-4b20-bc12-2c4d9e7f17fePost:e82e2246-7bee-4716-bd52-4b10b8ca856a">Re: Problems with future sister-in-law</a>:
[QUOTE]A wedding party meeting is when the bride, groom, and wedding coordinator meets with the wedding party to discuss their positon, wedding attire, and responsibilties, costs, dates and times etc, so no one is left in the dark about what they are supposed to do and just to fellowship with everyone and to get to know one another. Maybe that seems over the top for some people, but i am a very family-oriented person and like to get to know people if they are going to be involved in my wedding.
Posted by rinea1982[/QUOTE]

If they are in the WP, they know you and/or your FI, right?  So the "family-oriented" part is kind of moot.  They aren't obligated to be buddies with each other, you may want them to, but you can't force it.  Having a mandatory WP meeting is micromanaging.  If you want them to have all this information, you can email them or call them, and if you want to give them an opportunity to get to know each other, why not gather phone numbers and email and create a list, and send it out to others in the WP (with their permission of course).   My best friends are my BMs and my sister is my MOH, and the BMs don't know the MOH and vice-versa, so that's what I did, and then whether or not they choose to coordinate for anything prior to the wedding is up to them. 

They choose whether or not to give you pre-wedding parties or help you with planning...it's not required and you shouldn't expect it nor require it.  They are required to get the dress (with input from them on what they can afford and what is comfortable for them), show up for the wedding, walk down the aisle and stand there for the ceremony, then pose and smile for pictures...that's it.  Do you really need a mandatory meeting for that?

Not showing up for meetings or getting married four months before you doesn't equal not supporting your marriage.  Besides, she is your FSIL, so kicking her out of the wedding is only going to cause problems for you and your FI's side of the family down the line long after your one day is over.  It's important to consider the long-term here, not be so quick to make rash decisions just because she's not as psyched about the wedding as you are.