Help - Declining to be a bridesmaid failed

Miss LLL

I am in a tricky situation, I have been asked to be a bridesmaid by a relatively new friend. Although I like her, we haven't spent much time together and I really barely know her. 

She asked me to be her bridesmaid and I said yes without thinking and also because I didn't want to hurt her feelings at the time. I have had eczma attacks on my face and the doctor has told me that it might not go away. My eyes and forhead and red and blotchy and I can't wear make up.

I decided to decline because I didn't want to be worried about being in the spotlight on her big day and also if my face has eczma all over it. She completely lost it and has said she doesn't mind if my face looks awful on the day. I

How can I decline in this situation without hurting her feelings. The thought of photos and the lead up to this does not make me feel good at all. I still value the friendship and she might end up being a great friend, its just that right now I don't feel as strongly for her as she does for me.

curiousgeorgette

Aw!!  I'm sorry about your eczema; I have problems with acne and completely understand how much skin issues can affect your self-esteem! 

Eczema can be controlled, though -- I think you're jumping to the worst-possible-scenario conclusion in saying that you don't even want to be in the wedding because you are afraid your eczema will be so bad.  Just because your doctor said that your eczema "might not go away," it doesn't mean your eczema is definitely there to stay and will be bad on the day of the wedding!  Eczema tends to come and go; your doctor might just be saying that your eczema might not disappear completely.  But there are lots of treatment options for eczema out there -- don't give up yet; you may find something that works

Also -- if that doesn't make you feel better, realize that many photographers edit out skin blemishes!! 

Like I said, I completely understand your reluctance to be in pictures because of skin issues.  However, I think you should recognize that 1. you are important to your friend and she does not care what you look like, and 2.  even though you are in the wedding party, people will not be looking at you.  They will be looking at the bride and groom!

In summary -- don't be scared and don't worry that people are looking at you.  And DO keep trying with your doctor -- I know that when my skin is bad I feel like it will ALWAYS be bad, but that isn't the case!  And even if your skin doesn't clear up completely, there are treatments that can probably help to minimize the problem

Miss LLL

Thank you for your reply. I'm looking into everything with the skin situation. It's hard when it's out of your control. 

I think the fact that she is a fairly new friend and it is also going to cost a lot of time and money (which she is expecting us all to pay - $1000 minimum). The thought of paying so much for someone who is not my closest friend and standing in front of everyone who I don't know (I don't know any of the other bridal party or her friends) with eczma all over my face is just too much to handle. 

I've told her these reasons and she is begging me to reconsider and as we both have the same job she has pointed out that I could affort it (even though I'm trying to save for my own wedding, house and baby).

I'm scared I'm going to loose her friendship over this

calliopeia2013

I really think it's important to remember that you have to do what's right for you here.  It sounds like being the wedding is costing you both emotionally and financially in things you don't want to pay, and it sounds like you've been honest with her about that.

I always feel like it sounds really cliche to say this, but it's 100% true- if she were to end your friendship over this, she was never really your friend.  It's not a breach of etiquette to back out of being in a wedding party if it becomes more than you can afford (especially if the bride didn't ask your budget first!), and any true friend would understand what you're going through, both financially and medically, and understand.

It's hard to tell you how to decline, but the biggest thing is to be assertive, which it sounds like you might have a little bit of a problem with in general.  Your position needs to be "This is what I have decided; it's not up for debate or reconsideration."  You obviously want to be polite about it (though it sounds like she's being awfully rude back- how presumptuous of her to assume anything at all about your finances even if you make the same initial salary!), and be understanding of her feelings, but honestly, it sounds like she's overreacting to this.  I mean, the appropriate reaction to someone declining to be in your wedding party is mild disappointment, not "completely losing it."  (It unfortunately also sounds like she doesn't care about your feelings at all, if her reaction to the eczema thing was that she didn't care about how the photos looked when it seems like your point wasn't the photos, it was that you felt self-conscious and unhappy being in front of everyone.)

Unfortunately, you may be finding some stuff out about this new friend that you maybe didn't want to know, but that it's better to know in the long run.

aerinpegadrak

I think you need to stand firm on the money thing.  It's very presumptuous of her to think that she knows your financial situation, so "I'm sorry, but this is my maximum budget" is a perfecty acceptable thing to say.  If she ditches you because of that, she wasn't a very good friend in the first place.

If the eczema is the only problem, I'd keep looking into it.  There might be a brand of hypoallergenic or airbrush makeup that you can wear.  But the money looks like the bigger dealbreaker here.

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-declining-to-be-a-bridesmaid-failed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:e90bdd94-a795-4b24-86a5-a9d99500f215Post:91aa2e94-a785-4bad-809c-3bfdc730d1c8">Re: Help - Declining to be a bridesmaid failed</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you for your reply. I'm looking into everything with the skin situation. It's hard when it's out of your control.  I think the fact that she is a fairly new friend and it is also going to cost a lot of time and money (which she is expecting us all to pay - $1000 minimum). The thought of paying so much for someone who is not my closest friend and standing in front of everyone who I don't know (I don't know any of the other bridal party or her friends) with eczma all over my face is just too much to handle.  I've told her these reasons and she is begging me to reconsider and <strong>as we both have the same job she has pointed out that I could affort it </strong>(even though I'm trying to save for my own wedding, house and baby).<strong> I'm scared I'm going to loose her friendship over this :(
</strong>Posted by Miss LLL[/QUOTE]
That first quote probably would make me reconsider the friendship, anyway.  It's not her business how you spend your money.

gailpete

Exactly what is this $1000 supposed to cover?  That is a ridiculous amount of money to just assume your BMs can put towards your wedding.

lauralaur

So I'm sorry, is she assuming then, that your entire paycheck goes into your pocket? Or do the two of you happen to have the exact same student loans, car payments, rent/mortgage, etc. in addition to the same salary? She is being pretty rude about your finances, and I would also love to know what the $1,000 covers? Is she factoring in a bachelorette and shower? Because that would make me run. Be assertive here, if you cannot afford it, you cannot afford it.

I feel you on the skin issues, I've always struggled with eczema and acne and it's a b!tch. The hardest part of having eczema is not scratching! With my skin, if I can stop scratching and remember to apply whatever I'm using my eczema will clear up a lot. I also usually only have problems seasonally, so I know if I can make it to spring I'll get better.

I would also like to mention, that if she is ignoring your discomfort with your appearance currently, you may also end up in a hideous and uncomfortable dress and shoes and with your hair done just the way she likes it. Just sayin' its a possibility.

Miss LLL

Yes I'm feeling like she has made some big assumptions. We met for coffee with her other bridesmaids (which I don't know because our friendship is so new) and she told us we would all be paying $450 for the bridesmaid dress. She also said we would be paying for hair, make up, make up trial and I think it goes without saying we'll be paying for the bachelorette party. It has also made it into conversation that the gift is 'usually about $500'. So that's not factoring jewelry, shoes etc. Eeek!

My partner and I are paying off a large debt, saving for a house, planning a baby etc. Because we both have the same job I don't think she realizes that my money is spent differently to hers. 

I haven't seen this over emotional side to her and it is scary. I wasn't sure if I was being unreasonable but your replies are what my gut is telling me. Thank you. 

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-declining-to-be-a-bridesmaid-failed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:e90bdd94-a795-4b24-86a5-a9d99500f215Post:2f15a712-4b9c-4da0-876a-58a88613e0c2">Re: Help - Declining to be a bridesmaid failed</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes I'm feeling like she has made some big assumptions. We met for coffee with her other bridesmaids (which I don't know because our friendship is so new) and she told us we would all be paying $450 for the bridesmaid dress. She also said we would be paying for hair, make up, make up trial and I think it goes without saying we'll be paying for the bachelorette party. It has also made it into conversation that the gift is 'usually about $500'. So that's not factoring jewelry, shoes etc. Eeek! My partner and I are paying off a large debt, saving for a house, planning a baby etc. Because we both have the same job I don't think she realizes that my money is spent differently to hers.  I haven't seen this over emotional side to her and it is scary. I wasn't sure if I was being unreasonable but your replies are what my gut is telling me. Thank you. 
Posted by Miss LLL[/QUOTE]

Yeah, she's way, way out of line. You're totally justified to say, "I'm sorry, but $X is the maximum that I can pay for a bridesmaid dress, and I'm not able to pay for extras like hair and makeup."  If she throws a hissy fit about it, then she's just not a good friend, and it's better to find out about it now.  People who would treat you like that aren't worth having in your life.

EK2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-declining-to-be-a-bridesmaid-failed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e90bdd94-a795-4b24-86a5-a9d99500f215Post:2f15a712-4b9c-4da0-876a-58a88613e0c2">Re: Help - Declining to be a bridesmaid failed</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes I'm feeling like she has made some big assumptions. We met for coffee with her other bridesmaids (which I don't know because our friendship is so new) and she told us we would all be paying $450 for the bridesmaid dress. She also said we would be paying for hair, make up, make up trial and I think it goes without saying we'll be paying for the bachelorette party. It has also made it into conversation that the gift is 'usually about $500'. So that's not factoring jewelry, shoes etc. Eeek! My partner and I are paying off a large debt, saving for a house, planning a baby etc. Because we both have the same job I don't think she realizes that my money is spent differently to hers.  I haven't seen this over emotional side to her and it is scary. I wasn't sure if I was being unreasonable but your replies are what my gut is telling me. Thank you. 
Posted by Miss LLL[/QUOTE]

<div>You're well within rights to decline because you can't and won't pay for that dress (to say nothing of everything else). She's already acting like a bridezilla--I have doubts your friendship with her would easily withstand participating in this wedding.</div><div>
</div><div>Good luck!</div>

theponz512

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-declining-to-be-a-bridesmaid-failed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e90bdd94-a795-4b24-86a5-a9d99500f215Post:2f15a712-4b9c-4da0-876a-58a88613e0c2">Re: Help - Declining to be a bridesmaid failed</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes I'm feeling like she has made some big assumptions. We met for coffee with her other bridesmaids (which I don't know because our friendship is so new) and she told us we would all be paying <strong>$450 for the bridesmaid dress</strong>. She also said <strong>we would be paying for hair, make up, make up trial and I think it goes without saying we'll be paying for the bachelorette party</strong>. It has also made it into conversation that<strong> the gift is 'usually about $500'.</strong> So that's not factoring jewelry, shoes etc. Eeek! My partner and I are paying off a large debt, saving for a house, planning a baby etc. Because we both have the same job I don't think she realizes that my money is spent differently to hers.  I haven't seen this over emotional side to her and it is scary. I wasn't sure if I was being unreasonable but your replies are what my gut is telling me. Thank you. 
Posted by Miss LLL[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>So i just want to make sure I have everything straight here...She picked a dress already without consulting you or any of the other bridesmaids? And she picked an outrageously expensive dress at that? That is just ridiculous and out of control. I haven't even had the budget discussion or anything with my BM's and am only looking at dresses for ideas. </div><div>
</div><div>Second, how on earth does she think forcing you guys to pay for all that hair and make up jazz is going to work. It is down right rude for her to assume that you can afford everything she is demanding of you. </div><div>
</div><div>And what exactly does she mean by the gift being $500? As in the gift you are bringing to her wedding? She is giving you a price for that?</div><div>
</div><div>If I were you, I would politely decline, explain to her that it just isnt in your cards right now, you simply cannot and will not spend that much money on those things, and leave it at that. Don't let her bully you into doing something you cant afford.</div><div>
</div><div>And also, you mentioned you were worried about losing her friendship, but in all honesty she is throwing up some crazy red-flags. My entire BP is made up of people I have known for 10-18 years (Sister, Cousin, Close close friends) and I couldn't imagine DEMANDING that they spend any amount of money!</div><div>
</div><div>Good luck, I hope it all works out for you!

</div>