Bridesmaid

erinnfetterman

So...I have this bridesmaid - she's one of my best friends. Unfortunately, right after I asked her to be a bridesmaid, she became pregnant. We got engaged a year ago, so she obviously had the baby now, but is completely different since then. I still love her to death, but like this weekend we want to order the dresses.....

I am so afraid for her to bail out on me....She hasn't tried on any dresses, but she said she picked one out....But I'm not sure if its going to look right on her, I'd feel soooo much better if she'd try it on! She isn't coming with us to order them, so I need her measurements, she hasn't gotten her measurements yet either. And lastly, she has to come up to give me the downpayment on her dress....But I dunno if she'll have it in time and I can't afford to order her dress (nor do I want to if she's gonna bail on me, or pick a dress that won't look good). All the bridesmaids are wearing different dresses in the same color.

Not sure if I should confront her before Friday or just see what happens?

emilykathleen511

5. You need to delete you account on theknot and make a new one that does not include your first and last name.

trix1223

Erin, please read brooke's reply and take her advice.  Because it's very, very good.  Obviously, I agree 100%.  And I have to say that I hope that someday, if you're blessed with children, none of YOUR friends consider it an "unfortunate event".

MyNameIsNot

Exactly what Brooke said. 

She's just given birth.  Of course she wants to wait until the last minute to order a dress.  I certainly hope you haven't let on that you consider her pregancy to be an unfortunate event.  I'm sure that would give her a reason to drop out (and reconsider her friendship with you.)

If she has a choice in dresses, let her make it, and let her handle ordering the dress herself.  You aren't getting married for 8 months.  Chill out.  Even if she did have to order it, she wouldn't need to until about 4 months out.

erinnfetterman

First of all - I'm not saying her getting pregnant was unfortunate. I love my little "nephew" and wouldn't change that for the world. I guess I worded that wrong, she's changed a lot (other than having a baby) and I don't really know how to explain that. But she's talked about moving to California and not coming back, and she talks about not having money ever (which I understand too) - but I can see it happening, and so can our other friends. It just makes me nervous. I didn't really plan on confrontation, I'm just worried.

Secondly, we are ordering the dresses this weekend. She needs to order them at the same time, since they will all be off the same color swatch. She's already lost the baby weight - it was about 2 months ago. She's okay with ordering and wants to too. We just don't have time to order it another time. I live 500 miles from the wedding location, so while myself, FI and MOH are in town, we are ordering them. It's just what needs to be done.


And lastly - I don't neeeed to change my account. Thanks though.

bablingbrooke

You should change your account because people have been googled, their personal info found, and harassed.  It's out of concern for you that that was suggested.

Second, there is absolutely no reason to order a dress 8 months out.  It will do nothing but collect dust.  Dollars to donuts that you won't be able to notice any color swatch differences.  If a shade of peach is more important than a friendship, then I guess you've made your choice.

MyNameIsNot

There is absolutely no reason to order dresses 8 months in advance.  Let each girl hande ordering her dresses on her own, from the salon ofher choice.  They can probably save some money and order them online.  Making them order them at the same time and handling the deposits is just micromanaging and creating drama.

You cannot tell the difference in dye lots.  Maybe a well trained artist with a great eye could if they were next to each other, but that's really just a load of crap that bridal salons tell you to try to get you to order early. 

banana468

Erinn, there isn't any reason to order dresses so soon.  With nine months until the wedding, it's actually too soon to order dresses.

Instead, you can absolutely shop around but it's not prudent at this time to do so.  Your BM has at least two more solid months where she can shop around, save, and look to lose baby weight.  There's also no reason why the dresses have to be ordered at the same time.  I was an OOT BM in a wedding three months ago.  I called my measurements into the bridal shop and they shipped my dress to me.  So rest assured - there is ZERO reason why you need to pick an arbitrary time to do this.  I also don't understand why you need to be involved with them.  If you're not wearing the BM dress, let them coordinate the ordering time.  You can even pick - but they can figure out the ordering time and the absolute latest time that the dress needs to be ordered really should come from the shop - not you.

And I think your BM knows that the timing is arbitrary.  It may be what you want - but you're asking her to buy the dress so that's very important.  You need to go on HER terms when it's HER money.  Instead, talk to her and say, "Hey, this weekend may not work well so what's a good time for you to shop?"

Keep in mind, very few people lose the baby weight in under 6 months.  It takes time for all of that to come off so while you may think that she's back to where she was, it's more than likely that she's going through some personal insecurities now that she's a mom.  Be a great supportive friend.

Regarding your account, I have to say I recommend it as well.  Your entire first and last name are in there which means that anyone who wants to can look up a lot of personal information about you and your life.  This is just good internet safety we're talking about.  If you have any questions about that, just send me a PM.

erinnfetterman

How do I delete my account?

notaprincessbride

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ebaf2740-cf85-438b-b635-9399d2d7f624Post:10e2e9ae-9407-490c-beae-ab4327f2a6a9">Bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE] (nor do I want to if she's gonna bail on me, or pick a dress that won't look good). Posted by erinnfetterman[/QUOTE]

Are you saying you would be willing to pay for the dress if it looked good, or that if it doesn't look good you don't want her in the wedding?  If the latter, take a deep breath and repeat after me, "Bridesmaids are friends, not accessories."  Seriously, just let it go.  Dye lots mean almost nothing and seem to mostly be a scheme to increase profits by convincing brides to forbid buying used dresses off ebay, etc.  There's plenty of time.  What's the worst case scenario?  She doesn't buy the dress and isn't a BM.  Which is the exact same situation you'll guarantee if you freak out now.

banana468

You can email Knot admins to delete the account.

Then you can go create a new one with all the same information - but use a screenname that isn't your first and last name.

Thanks for listening to that part.  It's just good safety.

erinnfetterman

Yea, Where do I find the email address?


I totally didn't mean anything like how everyone is taking this...Wow. I in no way want her not to be in the wedding. I want her there, but I think it'll be easiest to order everything together with the other bridesmaids on the other side of the state - near the wedding. That's all I am saying. She has no problem ordering it, I just want her to try on the dress before she pays for it - so she can make sure its what she really wants!

I really am not the monster I feel like I am portrayed....I'm really sorry for all that.

mbcdefg

If she doesn't place the order with the other bridesmaids, then let her order it on her own time. (Like PPs said, the color dye lot thing doesn't matter.) If she doesn't have it by the wedding day, then she doesn't get to stand up as a bridesmaid. If she does have it but it doesn't fit right, then that's a reflection on her, not on you.

You need to relax. You're working yourself up over a whole lot of "what ifs."

emilykathleen511

I don't want to speak for everyone, but if I had to guess:

No one thinks you're a monster. We just think you're stressing out about a situation that does not require any stress (at least not right now...if she shows up on the day without a dress that would be a little stressful, but hey, that's life).

emilyinchile

My BMs are spread over the globe. You don't need to all phsyically go to the store to order. A lot of stores will let you make a record under the bride's name so that each BM can individually call in with her measurements, and you can decide to order once all the measurements are in. If your store can't do that, then you could just ask all your BMs to give you your measurements, and you can call in the order all together, if that's what you'd like to do.

But I agree with PPs that it makes sense to wait to place the actual order. Find out when the deadline is, and order just before that. If this BM doesn't order by that date then she's effectively taken herself out of the wedding (unless she finds a used dress online or elsewhere). And if she does that, it'll be fine...uneven sides are totally ok.

duckie1905

No one thinks you are a monster.  You are just making things waaaay more complicated than they have to be.