Bridal Party Woes *super long*

futuremrsdieck

I just need to vent, not really asking for advice because I get a lot of "kick their a$$es out of your wedding" and I don't want to do that. Because they are both close to me. I have tried talking to them, but I just feel like I don't get through to them....

My two MOH's (one is my sister, "Shelly", the other a childhood friend "Caylen") Shelly got married a couple of years ago, while she was planning the wedding (for the most part) she was pretty level-headed. But I was pregnant at the time that she was planning, she did have her moments when she said some horrible things to me (i.e. "you are not allowed to have sex after your baby is born because I don't want you to be pregnant for my wedding", "if you and your boyfriend get married before me I will never speak to you again", "she won't be trying on any dresses because she won't fit in to them, look at her she is as big as a house", the list goes on) Now that it is my turn to have a wedding, she is saying she doesn't want to go bridesmaid dress shopping until 3 months out from the wedding because she doesn't know if she will be pregnant, I want her to have a baby because she wants it so bad and she will be an awesome mom, but 3 months out from the wedding? Isn't that cutting it a little close? AND every dress that I like, she keeps saying, I need an empire waist dress so my prego-belly can fit. Well I (the bride) do not like empire waist dresses, because to me (this is my opinion), they make everyone look like they are hiding a pregnancy under the dress. And I just don't like to the over all look of them. Well now my OTHER MOH "Caylen" is starting to side with her, any time I get a picture of a dress from either of them it is for the dresses that Shelly likes. When I have told them time and time again, I do not like that style of dresses.

Then, if I want to have a day where I do nothing but plan for the wedding, all I hear is 'don't do this, it is tacky, you should book the person I booked for my wedding they are the best, I wouldn't do that for my wedding, I did this, this is what you should do because I did it." OR they don't even come to my house, but hang out with each other instead.

So I have been leaning on my other bridesmaid (who has a baby of her own, works full time, and is planning a wedding of her own) to help me out. And I feel bad because she is just as excited to plan for her wedding. So we end up planning both at the same time, which is fine, but I am sure she would like a little time in the sun, just like I would. Oh and this bridesmaid is helping her sister plan her wedding which is coming up very soon, SO she is really busy...

AHHHHHH!

thanks for listening...

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridal-party-woes-super-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ec20780b-6a5d-4e17-9af5-8625c9a28111Post:9dd5d1c1-3f57-4f8e-a26e-5002bb2e0b9b">Bridal Party Woes *super long*</a>:
[QUOTE]I just need to vent, not really asking for advice because I get a lot of "kick their a$$es out of your wedding" and I don't want to do that. Because they are both close to me. I have tried talking to them, but I just feel like I don't get through to them.... My two MOH's (one is my sister, "Shelly", the other a childhood friend "Caylen") Shelly got married a couple of years ago, while she was planning the wedding (for the most part) she was pretty level-headed. But I was pregnant at the time that she was planning, she did have her moments when she said some horrible things to me (i.e. "you are not allowed to have sex after your baby is born because I don't want you to be pregnant for my wedding", "if you and your boyfriend get married before me I will never speak to you again", "she won't be trying on any dresses because she won't fit in to them, look at her she is as big as a house", the list goes on) Now that it is my turn to have a wedding, she is saying she doesn't want to go bridesmaid dress shopping until 3 months out from the wedding because she doesn't know if she will be pregnant, I want her to have a baby because she wants it so bad and she will be an awesome mom, but 3 months out from the wedding? Isn't that cutting it a little close? AND every dress that I like, she keeps saying, I need an empire waist dress so my prego-belly can fit. Well I (the bride) do not like empire waist dresses, because to me (this is my opinion), they make everyone look like they are hiding a pregnancy under the dress. And I just don't like to the over all look of them. Well now my OTHER MOH "Caylen" is starting to side with her, any time I get a picture of a dress from either of them it is for the dresses that Shelly likes. When I have told them time and time again, I do not like that style of dresses. Then, if I want to have a day where I do nothing but plan for the wedding, all I hear is 'don't do this, it is tacky, you should book the person I booked for my wedding they are the best, I wouldn't do that for my wedding, I did this, this is what you should do because I did it." OR they don't even come to my house, but hang out with each other instead. So I have been leaning on my other bridesmaid (who has a baby of her own, works full time, and is planning a wedding of her own) to help me out. And I feel bad because she is just as excited to plan for her wedding. So we end up planning both at the same time, which is fine, but I am sure she would like a little time in the sun, just like I would. Oh and this bridesmaid is helping her sister plan her wedding which is coming up very soon, SO she is really busy... AHHHHHH! thanks for listening...
Posted by futuremrsdieck[/QUOTE]

She doesn't have to plan her pregnancy around your wedding, not even a little. It doesn't matter how horrible she was to you, you don't get to return the favor.  Getting the dress is her only responsibility, so if she doesn't want to go shopping until later because she's not sure if she's going to be pregnant (which is perfectly reasonable; no one wants to waste money on a non-returnable dress that they're not certain they're going to wear), that's on her.  If the styles are giving you headaches, give them some basic guidelines like length and color and ask them to pick their own, then it's entirely their problem.

The only person who absolutely needs to help you plan is your FI.  It's not the job of any of your attendants or friends to help if they're not willing or able. If you absolutely need the assistance in planning a party, scale back or hire a planner. If you don't like their opinions on your wedding, don't talk to them about the details. And really, no one but you is going to be looking forward to spending an entire day talking about nothing but your wedding. 

As for anyone who's telling you to kick them out of the wedding, I'd stop going to them for advice.  That would be a horribly childish and short-sighted thing to do.

futuremrsdieck

The problem is, is I don't talk about the wedding with them, maybe once a month I ask if they are busy over the weekend and they usually say yes, (then I find out that they are hanging out with each other) so I have stopped asking. The only time I say anything to them about the wedding is when they ask. So maybe I am over reacting...

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridal-party-woes-super-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ec20780b-6a5d-4e17-9af5-8625c9a28111Post:34ea12c5-78fb-44a0-a971-db69ab7e103f">Re: Bridal Party Woes *super long*</a>:
[QUOTE]The problem is, is I don't talk about the wedding with them, maybe once a month I ask if they are busy over the weekend and they usually say yes, (then I find out that they are hanging out with each other) so I have stopped asking. The only time I say anything to them about the wedding is when they ask. So maybe I am over reacting...
Posted by futuremrsdieck[/QUOTE]

So if they ask and you're tired of hearing them bag on your ideas, say, "Oh, it's going well, how are things at work?" 

AlexaNP

I know you didn't really ask for advice, and I'm not sure if this will help you, but here are some ideas just in case:

-You can check around different places and see how long it will take for dresses to come in once they're ordered (mine are up to 12 weeks).  So, using that as an example, I would tell the MOH-sister, "I don't want to cut the time too close, so we are going to order the dresses 4 months in advance."  The girls would be able to get fitted when they pick up their dresses, if there is an in-house seamstress.  Also, if your sister is not pregnant 4 months before the wedding, she would most likely be showing little (if at all), if she would get pregnant sometime between then and the wedding, especially if it is her first baby, thus eliminating the need for the empire waist, which you could tell her.

-If the sister is pregnant, you could either have her wear a different style gown than all the other bridesmaids, have all the bridesmaids pick their own style but the same color (I understand if you wouldn't want this; I'm not sure I would-I like things to look organized).  But a third option is, have the 2 MOH's wear one style, and have all the rest of the bridesmaids wear another style.  I have been to weddings where the MOH(s) are differentiated like this (either style or color different) and it does look nice.

-Also, I wouldn't do anything if the 2 MOHs are meeting together without you.  Any wedding details are up to you and your fiancee in the end, so nothing they talk about really matters unless you decide to listen to them or go along with their ideas.  It is too bad for them that they are not including you, so that you could actually plan together, if that's what they are doing anyway.

-Oh, and regarding the BM who is helping you along with planning her own wedding.  She sounds like a really good friend if she has that much on her plate and is still willing to help.  If you still can't work things out with the MOHs and would like some help planning that your fiancee can't give you (I know there are some things it's more fun to plan with girls that with a guy!), I would talk to the friend and see what she is willing to do.  Maybe one day you can get together and do stuff only for her wedding.  Then set aside another day to do planning for only your wedding.  I know if one of my bridesmaids was getting married now, I would be happy to find some time to help her. 

Last, try to have fun, too (even if it has to be with the BM's other than the MOHs!).  I know there are some important details to see to, but a lot of things won't matter too much in the big picture.   I am trying to make planning fun for me and my bridesmaids and give us a chance to hang out and bond, but not put a serious strain on their time.

StephBeanWed61502

Everyone else has covered the BM/MOH issue thoroughly, so I won't belabor it further, but I wanted to emphasize that perhaps some of your problem with them is stemming from the fact that you are "leaning on" them at all to plan YOUR wedding. The only person who has any responsibility whatsoever to be involved in the planning is YOUR FI, and mention of him is noticeably absent in your post. Seek help from the person who is also getting married that day your FI instead of from your friends, and your planning will go much more smoothly.

shine882007

Sorry...but this is the way I look at it.

Even though it is YOUR wedding, THEY are paying for the dresses.  They should have a say in what they are wearing.  Afterall, they will be the ones wearing it all damn day!!!  Just because you don't like the look, doesn't mean they should be stuck in something they don't feel comfortable in. 

In my case, all I required for my girls was to wear the same color.  I wasn't picky about design at all, I want them comfortable.  Before shopping, one of my bridesmaids asked me if I was ok if she tried on empire waist dresses because they were talking about getting pregnant.  I didn't care at all... it is her life, she should NOT be putting it on hold for my wedding.  

In the end, my MOH and 3 bridesmaids all liked the same dress so they will be matching.  Which turned out pretty good considering now my MOH is pregnant and will be close to 9 months pregnant the date of my wedding.  

Your bridesmaids aren't there to help you with anything.  They are to show up in their dress and stand by your side to witness you pledging your life and love  to your future husband.  Thats it!!!!!

aerinpegadrak

I should add that I didn't particularly like the dresses that two of my attendants chose.  The groomswoman was directed to choose a silver dress, and the dress she bought was silver with a black skirt, so it looked mostly black.  My younger sister selected a style that I didn't think was very flattering on her, and one that I generally dislike.  But I had given them the leeway to choose, and you know what?  They both really liked their dresses, and it showed in the pictures, because they were confident and comfortable and beautiful for that.  It was an effect I never could have gotten if they were in dresses they were merely tolerating.

Soon2BeMrsTing

I'll throw in another vote for the "choose the color, and let them pick their own dresses" option.

Matchy-matchy BM dresses are a thing of the past, if the last several weddings I have attended are any indication.  I know my BMs were much happier wearing styles they chose themselves.