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Feeling Left Out

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Re: Feeling Left Out

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    I think you're totally justified in your feelings.  They absolutely should seat you w/ your GF.  There's no excuse for separating a couple in a serious relationship at an event celebrating love and marriage.
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    I agree with you.

    I don't know why you can't be in the pictures.  They can take WP pictures and FAMILY pictures and you should be included in those family photos.

    As for the seating, while I think it can be dicey to say something, if I were your GF/FI, I'd talk to the sister to say, "I really think it's best if you seat the WP with their sig others/ dates."

    It would be appropriate for you to not mention this to the bride and groom but I agree with you that this EXACTLY why brides and grooms need to think more inclusively when they think of their reception seating.

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    I think you and your gf should be seated together.  Has she tried suggesting it to her sister?  She could request that she be seated with you - whether that means at the bridal party table, parents table or elsewhere.  I'm generally not huge on people asking to sit with certain others, but I think your gf asking to sit with her significant other is within her rights.
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    I really don't have anything to say except that I'm sorry of the position you're in. I don't think it's fair at all what the b&g have decided in seating. I am a strong advocator in seating BP with their dates. And like you said, you're not just a random bf...you're likely to become a family member.
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    Ditto gotta, have you tried having your gf talk to her sis about it...or at least suggest that you sit together? 
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    edited February 2010
    This is exactly the sort of thing we are talking about when we tell brides that separating people from their s/o's is rude and inconsiderate.  

    If I were you, I would probably end up declining the invitation and come up with a family obligation.  I mean, they don't have to include you in the WP if they don't want to, but seating you apart is a statement.
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    YOu are totally justified in feeling left out by the head table concept. That's why we don't like head tables so much on this board.

    As far as being in the WP, though, they chose who they are closest to, and while it may be disappointing, they are under no obligation to include you. Also, you are under no obligation to include them in your WP when the time comes.
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    Send your gf's sister here.  We'll explain about reception seating for you.  =)

    As for the photos.....I know that your feelings are hurt, but until you ARE married-not just "going to be", you're not part of the family.  I think you could certainly be in some photos, but I can also see where they're coming from.

    FWIW:  My DD was MOH for her sister.  Her wonderful bf sat in the front row with me during the ceremony, but when we had the "formal" family photo taken, he wasn't in it, nor did he expect to be. Three weeks later we had my mom's memorial service, and again, we had a family picture taken, and I did insist that time that he be included, but he felt uncomfortable about expecting to be included.  I'm glad he's in the photo.   I'm hoping to hear about an engagement in the coming months!

    Anyway....I digress.  I think if your gf's sister insists on a head table, then you should be seated there.  Better is to let the WP sit with whom they want while the B&G have a sweetheart table.

    Take notes:  you're learning valuable lessons for when it's your turn.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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    Ditto trix on the photos.  We have a rule that you must "marry into" the photo.  No exceptions.  I don't think that's wrong.  That's pretty standard. 
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_feeling-left-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ec912460-7920-4ded-befb-46ea304647f0Post:694efac7-69b2-4f54-9646-d39bc4153000">Re: Feeling Left Out</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ditto trix on the photos.  We have a rule that you must "marry into" the photo.  No exceptions.  I don't think that's wrong. <strong> That's pretty standard</strong>. 
    Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]

    I really think that this depends on the family. Some families it is standard, some it is standard to include significant others. Maybe this is why OP feels he should be included--this may be the way his family does it. But just know OP (original poster) that I'm sure they are not keeping you out of the family photos to disrespect you; I'm sure that they are just doing what is standard for their family.
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    Not to disagree with the OP, because our situations are completely different, but I am SUPER glad that my sis' boyfriend (the con artist) was not in our family photos.

    And I let him sit at the head table with my sister. I didn't want to seperate them.....I put the other bp members at tables throughout the ballroom with their dates.

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    I'd even mention to your GF, "i know your mom mentioned this but if there's any way we can sit together, I'd really love to - and from what I've seen, that's really what you're supposed to do."
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    I don't know that they'll necessarily put you in the limo since dates/spouses often aren't included in that. But can you drive your own car if you don't want to drive with your GF's parents?

    The reception seating is wrong of them. Explain to your GF that from what you've heard you guys really should get to sit together and ask what she thinks - hopefully she'll talk to her sister.
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    In my family, you would have been included in the photos.

    I think you should ask your girlfriend to ask the bride and groom if you can sit with them at the reception.  It's really rude of them to expect you to sit by yourself. 
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    What are their reasons for them not sitting you with your GF? Are other BP members bringing dates that they won't be able to sit next to? My brother in law is not in our wedding and we don't plan on having him sit with my MOH sister, or in the pictures. There simply isn't enough room at the head table for everyone's significant others. My BIL isn't in the wedding party so why include him? They probably feel the same way.

    If they don't have room for you in the WP, then why would they have room for you in the limo or at the head table? You are not married, and although you are all close, don't be a jerk and demand that they change everything around just so you can sit with your gf. They left you out for a reason- maybe it is because you are not family yet, and even though you plan on getting married to their sister, no one knows how serious it is and nothing is final until there is a ring. You guys could break up a week after the wedding, and then the B and G have pics of you, someone who is not even family. Let the bride and groom plan their wedding their way, not yours. You will appreciate people staying out of your planning when it is your day. Besides, there will be so much dancing and socializing that you will be hanging out with your girlfriend most of the night anyway, despite where you are sitting.
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    [QUOTE]What are their reasons for them not sitting you with your GF? Are other BP members bringing dates that they won't be able to sit next to? My brother in law is not in our wedding and we don't plan on having him sit with my MOH sister, or in the pictures. There simply isn't enough room at the head table for everyone's significant others. My BIL isn't in the wedding party so why include him? They probably feel the same way. If they don't have room for you in the WP, then why would they have room for you in the limo or at the head table? You are not married, and although you are all close, don't be a jerk and demand that they change everything around just so you can sit with your gf.
    Posted by 8124710929466695[/QUOTE]
    If the significant others won't fit at a head table, an alternative needs to be found - a sweetheart table, a sweetheart table flanked by bridal party tables, a head table with just MOH/BM and their dates, a head table with parents or siblings.

    He's not demanding that they change everything, and it doesn't even sound like he's looking to ask directly.  But he and his gf should be allowed to sit together - you wouldn't split up non-wedding party members when making the seating chart, right?  Why should the wedding party get screwed on this one?
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    edited February 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_feeling-left-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ec912460-7920-4ded-befb-46ea304647f0Post:7433e47b-1340-434a-b923-2255faef5a2b">Re: Feeling Left Out</a>:
    [QUOTE]What are their reasons for them not sitting you with your GF? Are other BP members bringing dates that they won't be able to sit next to? <strong>My brother in law is not in our wedding and we don't plan on having him sit with my MOH sister, or in the pictures. There simply isn't enough room at the head table for everyone's significant others. My BIL isn't in the wedding party so why include him? </strong>They probably feel the same way. If they don't have room for you in the WP, then why would they have room for you in the limo or at the head table? You are not married, and although you are all close,<strong> don't be a jerk and demand that they change everything around just so you can sit with your gf.</strong> They left you out for a reason- maybe it is because you are not family yet, and even though you plan on getting married to their sister, no one knows how serious it is and <strong>nothing is final until there is a ring. You guys could break up a week after the wedding, and then the B and G have pics of you</strong>, someone who is not even family. Let the bride and groom plan their wedding their way, not yours. You will appreciate people staying out of your planning when it is your day. Besides, there will be so much dancing and socializing that you will be hanging out with your girlfriend most of the night anyway, despite where you are sitting.
    Posted by 8124710929466695[/QUOTE]

    This is why headtables suck, and you are rude if you are separating people from their SOs.  To suggest that he and his girlfriend could break up the day after the wedding is asinine.  He already said that they are serious and plan to get married, and the family likely knows his intentions. 

    How would you feel if your FI was in a wedding and you weren't, and you had to sit by yourself for 4-6 hours?  You probably wouldn't like it, either.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_feeling-left-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ec912460-7920-4ded-befb-46ea304647f0Post:7433e47b-1340-434a-b923-2255faef5a2b">Re: Feeling Left Out</a>:
    [QUOTE]What are their reasons for them not sitting you with your GF? Are other BP members bringing dates that they won't be able to sit next to? My brother in law is not in our wedding and we don't plan on having him sit with my MOH sister, or in the pictures. There simply isn't enough room at the head table for everyone's significant others. My BIL isn't in the wedding party so why include him? They probably feel the same way. If they don't have room for you in the WP, then why would they have room for you in the limo or at the head table? You are not married, and although you are all close, don't be a jerk and demand that they change everything around just so you can sit with your gf. They left you out for a reason- maybe it is because you are not family yet, and even though you plan on getting married to their sister, no one knows how serious it is and nothing is final until there is a ring. You guys could break up a week after the wedding, and then the B and G have pics of you, someone who is not even family. Let the bride and groom plan their wedding their way, not yours. You will appreciate people staying out of your planning when it is your day. Besides, there will be so much dancing and socializing that you will be hanging out with your girlfriend most of the night anyway, despite where you are sitting.
    Posted by 8124710929466695[/QUOTE]

    Does the fact that multiple objective observers find what you're planning to do the epitome of rude not make you stop to consider something else? Head tables that put bride, groom and WP on disply while excluding the WP's SOs are no longer either fashionable or polite. Please reconsider before you disrespect your sister's marriage by not allowing her to attend a dinner with her husband (sure, she'll be at the party with him after, but they won't be at dinner together).
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    Ditto other ladies.

    One of the rudest things to do to an established couple is to split them "just for the dinner".

    This isn't about "how a couple want to have their day".  The couple should be courteous to all their guests.  Period.
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    Boy have I been there. 

    My Fi and I were at his sisters wedding. We were literally saving to by the ring, and our family knew it. They took two sets of pictures, one with me, and one without. It worked. If we had not worked out it would have been fine to. 

    As for the Limo, ya. Sucks. No argument there. I rode in a car and helped cary things from the church to the ballroom. It was interesting. It was...not fun. 

    It might be too late now, bus isn't there an inbetween from the wedding limo/carriage vs. parents car?
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    Yep, been there. In what my friends and I like to call "the rudest wedding ever" my then-bf was in the wedding party and I was not. (They asked me to choreograph a dance for their wedding and then didn't credit me in their programme.) It never occurred to that this could mean I would be separated from him all night. I got stuck babysitting someone who was waiting for their ride while the WP went on to the reception in the limo, had to stand outside and watch the WP get introduced and then wait outside for another 5-10 min. before I could go in because they were doing all of their entrance business, and then when I got into the ballroom, I found that the then-bf was seated at a head table, but I was IN THE BACK OF THE BALLROOM. A million miles away. I didn't see him practically all night. And then I got recruited to go with the best man to get cans and crap to decorate the couples' car so I missed half of the dancing and the cake. For this and many other reasons, I don't talk to those people anymore.

    So, ditto pp - this B&G are being buttheads, but they probably don't even realise it. This couple that shafted me (and others) didn't get it. Being a part of the WP pictures or riding in the limo would be questionable to me, so I wouldn't bother thinking about that anymore, but I disagree with the person who said you'd spend most of the night dancing together anyway. Just not how it happens, and your feelings are justified. It sounds like you've done the right thing by not pushing the issue but letting your gf and her mom talk to the B&G. A person brings a date to a wedding for a reason - you should be able to spend your time with that date. I hope they get some sense knocked into them, and I hope you're able to have a good time and still have a good relationship with these folks after their wedding is over.
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    I went through this exactly at my fiance's brothers wedding. I actually spent the time between the ceremony and reception crying in private because I was so nervous about sitting with people I didn't really know (I was not told this would be the case until literally the hour before the reception). We have been together for 6 years and I have never been in any of the family pictures at weddings (we have been to 5 together), which is fine, but I have always felt awkward when everyone I know is busy with something else; so I get it. I'm sorry you have to go through this but you will get through it and it seems like you have come to terms with the situation. I do think separating you from your girlfriend for the reception is inconsiderate but I bet you will still have some fun. Being a future bride I get that it is the bride's day but I feel like sometimes brides also need to think about others. I am having sweetheart table for exactly this reason.
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    First of all, emilyinchile, the OP wasn't me! No one in my family or WP has any issues about not sitting with their dates, so why would I "stop and consider something else"? They are mature enough to understand that having a head table means that some single people sitting with others. My FI sat with my family for my sister's wedding, not with me. Also, my sister and BIL don't have any issues with not sitting with each other. They can deal with it, just  like every other person who has been in this situation, which has happened at almost every wedding! Head tables are the traditional WP seating arrangement! EVERY wedding I've been to, and just about EVERY wedding my FI has worked at (he's a banquet server) involved a head table. That is just how things go and most people accept it. Also, Sagenhaft, how are my WP memebers being treated as servants? I am not asking them to do anything. I am just having a head table. I have 12 attendants and if all of their dates sit up their with them, the head table will have over 20 people!

    Also, I made that comment about them breaking up the next day as an extreme example to show why the B and G may have chosen to leave him out.

    Anyway, this thread isn't about me! The OP should try talking to the B and G about his feelings, and if they still don't find a way to make everyone happy, then he should respect their decision. I do find it odd that the cousin's boyfriend is in the wedding party, but the sister's boyfriend (the OP) is not. There has to be something up with this. If the B and G didn't want an odd number of attendants, then he should talk with them about changing their mind. Maybe they left him out for a reason.
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    [QUOTE]First of all, emilyinchile, the OP wasn't me! No one in my family or WP has any issues about not sitting with their dates, so why would I "stop and consider something else"? They are mature enough to understand that having a head table means that some single people sitting with others. My FI sat with my family for my sister's wedding, not with me. Also, my sister and BIL don't have any issues with not sitting with each other. They can deal with it, just  like every other person who has been in this situation, which has happened at almost every wedding! Head tables are the traditional WP seating arrangement! EVERY wedding I've been to, and just about EVERY wedding my FI has worked at (he's a banquet server) involved a head table. That is just how things go and most people accept it. Also, Sagenhaft, how are my WP memebers being treated as servants? I am not asking them to do anything. I am just having a head table. I have 12 attendants and if all of their dates sit up their with them, the head table will have over 20 people! [/QUOTE]

    There is NEVER a reason to split a couple for the sake of a seating arrangement.

    EVER.

    If you do that to your wedding party, I hope you're not sitting with the groom either.

    Head tables may be traditional but they're certainly not current.  In the last ten years, I've seen TWO weddings with head tables that split up guests from their significant others. 

    And people "can deal" with plenty.  But WHY ON EARTH would you create a situation with which your nearest and dearest MUST DEAL??  I can't fathom why people use that line and believe that what they're doing is in good taste.

    Get more tables, a bigger room, or re-think the arragement.  But seat your guests as COUPLES - not as props.
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    I don't know about you, but I wouldn't ever want my wedding to be something unpleasant that my dearest friends have to "deal with."  I want it to be an enjoyable experience for them as well as for me, so when they look back, they have nothing but positive memories.  I certainly wouldn't want to be the "rudest wedding ever" that Parula related.

    People will remember very little about your wedding, but they will remember how the bride and groom treated their guests.
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    Exactly Aerin.

    People quickly remember the bad. 
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    We are having a sweetheart table for the reason you mentioned above. We want our WP to be with their other halves. It's not fun sitting with people you either don't know or barley acquainted with. I hated that feeling of awkwardness.... good luck!
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    I totally understand your feelings. I was left out of my best friend's wedding and was upset at first.  Then I got to enjoy everything without the cost and requirements.  I went on the bachelorette cruise (and didn't have to plan and pay for a lot).  Then i got to enjoy the wedding day without running around doing all the little things that needed to be done.  I enjoyed the cocktail party and no pictures.  A blessing in disguise I say - now that i am on the other side of it.
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    I disagree with (almost) everyone's opinion about the WP duties and the head table.  A bride and groom are going through a life changing experience and they want their friends/family to be there to support and enjoy the moments with.  If I was close enough to someone to be in their WP, then I would want to be there for all the important moments (the nervous excitement of getting ready, the immediate celebration afterward, etc).  I think S/O distract the WP which isn't fair to the B&G.

    During a time my BF and I were long distance, he stood up in a friend's wedding.  The wedding was on a Friday night and I didn't get to talk to him until after dinner - it had been 3 weeks since I saw him last- and I was 100% fine with it.  Kevin was there for his friend on this important day and if I was right there, I would have completely monopolized his time.  

    My sister and I our getting married 8 weeks apart (we are each others MOH) and our boys will either sit at the parents' table or with their own parents (who will be invited)- still working out the details.  Both boys are completely fine with "being left out."  They understand and are fully capable of having fun that day.

    Let me be clear that I am all about being a good host and spending a big portion of the budget on the things that will make the guests happy (food, music, prepaid shuttles, etc).  I am going out of my way to make everything go smoothly for my WP (trays of Subway before the wedding, emergency kits, free night stay at my mom's large house IF they want to avoid the hotel cost, etc).  I am even helping supply the alcohol and snacks for the hotel after party (that they have after all of the weddings).  This being said, I hope they will be there for me that day when I need them most.  

    I am my sisters MOH- and I will devote my energy all day to making things easier for her and being there to share in all the memories.  As soon as dinner is over, Kevin and I will have a great time dancing the night away on the dance floor right along side my sis and her husband!

    Sorry it was long- the earlier comments really pissed me off.  Don't agree to stand up in a wedding if you care more about where you eat and whether your S/O can survive without you.

    As far as pics: I really like the idea of some pics with and some without.  My BF and I were together for 4 years at the time of his cousin's wedding.  Out of respect to the B&G, I told his mom I planned to stay out of the the pics- even though we were talking about getting married and were engaged just 4 months later.
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    No no no no no.  A wedding is a happy time.  They don't need support.  This isn't a time of need.  They are celebrating with their nearest and dearest.  Nothing about that means they must split up couples.  Especially not during dinner!!

    I'm married, DH and I didn't have a head table, our WP sat with their SOs at other tables.  Somehow we got through the life-changing event in one piece, our WP didn't have to sacrifice anything.  Why should people be put in a position to "suck it up"?  

    Brides like you give all of us a bad name.
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    "I think bablingbrooke is the 13 yr old marring her cousin at the town hall. Lets all give her a big hand. And hope her inbred children can live normal lives." -tabs.

    A word of warning from your friends at Cracked.com: Remember that text is going to be how you make your first impression over the internet; if every third word you type is misspelled, people will automatically assume that you're a moron.
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