Not Sure How To Handle This Bridesmaid Dilemma

KatieKae

I have just under a year until my wedding, so I've got some time.  My dilemma is with one of my 5 bridesmaids. I have known her since we rushed the same sorority my sophomore year of college (about 5 years) and we've always been fairly close.  The thing is that it's not uncommon for us to go long periods of time without talking or seeing each other.  So when I started my planning, we had discussed her being in my party (which we had discussed off and on since we first got close) and we were both really excited.  I planned my first dress shopping outing to line up with the majority of my bridesmaids being able to come with me and the morning of she cancelled on me.  Over the past several months it has become a common thing for her to cancel plans last minute with me for one reason or another.  I don't want to have her in my wedding party if she's going to tell me the day before or the day of that something came up.

The other piece of this is that my fiancé flat out told me he didn't really want her in our bridal party.  Despite how close she and I say we are, in the year that my fiancé and I have been dating he has only met her once and only for about 15-20 minutes. 

Any thoughts on how to handle this?!

AddieCake

Ditto Lia. Just make sure she knows what dress to buy and when to show up. If she cancels or doesn't do it, oh, well. 

Jen4948

If you try to throw her out of your wedding party just because she's flaky, that really would be telling your friend what you think of her friendship, and you could potentially lose her as a friend.

On the other hand, you can speak to her and let her know that her backing out on you at the last minute, whatever you have planned, is negatively impacting on your friendship.  You might consider discussing that with her in a conversation that doesn't mention your wedding.  Then, if she keeps backing out, just go ahead and make your plans around her but not with her.  If she still backs out of your wedding, consider the friendship dead.

KatieKae

I don't know that I was entirely clear origionally.  I'm not saying "she's flaky, how can I kick her out?" She is a sister to me and I want to have her up there with me.  My concern is that my fiance doesn't want her up there at all and if we plan on having even sides and she backs out what do I do? How do I approach her about the cancelled plans.

RetreadBride, yes, the shopping trip was for my dress because I wanted the women closest to me to provide their input.  And yes, although my wedding isn't for a year, I do have my ladies chosen.  I plan things out in advance, that's just my personality.  By having my ladies picked this early, they have a year to get to know each other since two are out of state and the other 3 are in various areas of CO. And I disagree that it's "certainly much too soon to be looking for their attire."  I want my ladies to have input into their dresses and as such, we have all started looking for dresses for them.  Considering that we 6 are all over the place means that we are taking into account finding their dresses at shops local to them so they can actually try them on.  Just because I"m choosing to plan and finalize things differently than you do or than is typical or traditional does not mean I"m doing it wrong.  I appreciate your view point but ask you to please recognize that it's not mine.

Jen4948, Thank youfor actually answering my question and not just saying "you can't kick her out." Especially considering I never said I was kicking her out.

So if anyone has anything to add about talking with her AND/OR my fiance's thoughts on this, I'd really appreciate it!!

AddieCake

We assumed you were thinking of kicking her out based on the information that you've provided and the precedent here that most of the posts that sound like yours have a woman wanting to kick the flakey bridesmaid out. Also, I have my own experience of being kicked out of a wedding for not attending things with the bride to go on. All you said was "thoughts on how to handle this?" You didn't say anything about wanting to talk to her. 

Is she only cancelling wedding related stuff, or regular time together as well? Always remember that nobody will ever be as excited about your wedding as you. If it is bothering you, tell her so. If you want her in your wedding, tell your fiance so. Your sides don't have to be even, so if she flakes at the end, it really is no big deal. 

lauralaur

If she flakes for the wedding, you have uneven sides, done and done. We had uneven sides for our wedding, planned that way, and it was fine, and it looked fine too.

The reason we suggest waiting to pick a wedding party is that relationships can change a lot in the time between engagement and wedding.

The reason we suggest waiting to pick attire is that a lot can change in the time between an engagement and a wedding. Bridesmaids can gain 30 pounds or lose 30 pounds or get pregnant, etc. They don't need to order their dresses until about six months out, maximum, so if they buy a dress now it will just hang in their closet for quite some time until the wedding rolls around.

But talk to your friend, ask her if something is up, tell her that you are starting to feel hurt by her last-minute cancellations.

Your fi does not get a say in your side unless one of your attendants physically assaulted him or came on to him or some other extreme where he is rightfully uncomfortable around that person. I have plenty of family that is important to me that H has never met, some that he met for the first time at the wedding, but that's only because we all live far away from each other. It would not be his place to tell me those family members should not be allowed a position of honor in our wedding because he's not familiar with them. I am.

bridalmarch

I think you're idealizing things. Not every bridesmaid is going to drool over you trying on dresses, and honestly 6 different opinions when you go will probably be overwhelming. If you're planning on tacking your mom/aunt/grandmother/cousin/etc onto that, you won't have nearly as much fun as if you just take 3 or 4 people with you. 

And yes, it is too early to shop for them. What if one of them gains weight, loses weight, or gets pregnant in the next year? What if the style changes? Or the color scheme? We changed our colors about 9 months out. What good does a dress do hanging in a closet for a year?

I have 7 bridesmaids. I'm in MD, one is in TX, one in DC, one in PA, one about an hour from me, and the rest are local. We went shopping 4.5 months out and everyone managed to get a dress ordered. Just because your girls are spread out doesn't mean you need to shop for them now. 

I have 7 bridesmaids, FI has 8 groomsman. One of my girls will be escorted by two guys, NBD. He doesn't get a say in your side unless your friend once tried to sleep with him or stab him, and you get no say over his side unless the same applies. 

misssunshine17

If you asked me to go dress shopping so far in advance, I'd probably flake out, too. Listen to PPs.

krckjm8

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_not-sure-how-to-handle-this-bridesmaid-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:f0273649-991e-4abe-b8e5-f06e5bb6e712Post:a43570a1-7418-4bba-aa15-5b8fc724a992">Not Sure How To Handle This Bridesmaid Dilemma</a>:
[QUOTE]I have just under a year until my wedding, so I've got some time.  My  dilemma is with one of my 5 bridesmaids. I have known her since we rushed the same sorority my sophomore year of college (about 5 years) and we've always been fairly close.  The thing is that it's not uncommon for us to go long periods of time without talking or seeing each other.  So when I started my planning, we had discussed her being in my party (which we had discussed off and on since we first got close) and we were both really excited.  I planned my first dress shopping outing to line up with the majority of my bridesmaids being able to come with me and the morning of she cancelled on me.  Over the past several months it has become a common thing for her to cancel plans last minute with me for one reason or another.  I don't want to have her in my wedding party if she's going to tell me the day before or the day of that something came up. The other piece of this is that my  fiancé  flat out told me he didn't really want her in our bridal party.  Despite how close she and I say we are, in the year that my  fiancé  and I have been dating he has only met her once and only for about 15-20 minutes.  Any thoughts on how to handle this?!
Posted by KatieKae[/QUOTE]

I would just be honest with her and let her know how you are feeling. Sometimes people just really don't get it. I would just talk with her and let her know how much it meant to you to have her there during your dress fitting, and see what she says.  If she has a legitimate reason, but if it was just because  then I don't think that is ok. And you are right, you are only at the early stages of planning your wedding, so if she is already being flaky it might only get worse from here. If you want her to be in the wedding, I would let her know how you feel and see what happens. If she doesn't act like she cares, and you feel like you made a bad decision then I don't see anything wrong with asking her to not be in the wedding. It's your ONE day that you and your fiance get to make the decisions, so do it the way you want! Good luck!

KatieKae

Thanks for the input! A lot of it was really helpful and I appreciate it.

I have no intention of having my ladies order their dresses now or even terribly soon. I want their input and thought that since it's winter and my wedding is in winter it would be beneficial to get ideas. I want my ladies to have input in the dress because I want them to be able to wear it again. 

lpowers1118

Your fiance does not need to be best friends with your BMs.  Leave things the way they are and don't go out of your way to have them get to know each other.