Choosing which friends to be BMs

jmuxlilo

From the small group of friends I have, there are two girls whom I was very close with after graduation, one being my best friend throughout college.  Post graduation, we were still close for a few years, until one (best friend) moved across the country and the other got a new job in MD and a new boyfriend.   We've gone our separate ways since then, and have done our best to keep in touch, hang out, etc but I've also grown closer to differnet people in those years.  WIth my recent engagement, the two from college, have been oddly more attentive at keeping in touch,like IMing, calling, and texting me more often than in the last whole year altogether.  It's like they're expecting me to ask them to be BMs; they keep asking about wedding details when I don't even know.  Neither have been engaged before, and both are trying to give advice to how to approach the wedding planning.  What do I do?  I want them to be at the wedding to celebrate, but not a part of the WP.  Am I being a b*tch for not asking them to be part of the WP? 

Robyn5298

Absolutely not - you should ask the girls you are closest to and not feel bad about it. 

Also I know you didn't ask this, but there is no need to have a talk with your college friends about why they aren't in the wedding party - that would just hurt their feelings.  If they do bring it up to you (which would be rude on their part,) have a diplomatic response on hand.  Something like "my fiance and I really wanted to keep things small, but I'm so looking forward to celebrating with you!" ought to work out nicely.

Summer2011Bride

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_choosing-friends-bms?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:f0b2be3a-983d-410d-a488-f89bad0aee4bPost:a58b0d2b-41f8-4dbc-87ff-664ba419c831">Choosing which friends to be BMs</a>:
[QUOTE]From the small group of friends I have, there are two girls whom I was very close with after graduation, one being my best friend throughout college.  Post graduation, we were still close for a few years, until one (best friend) moved across the country and the other got a new job in MD and a new boyfriend.   We've gone our separate ways since then, and have done our best to keep in touch, hang out, etc but I've also grown closer to differnet people in those years.  WIth my recent engagement, the two from college, have been oddly more attentive at keeping in touch,like IMing, calling, and texting me more often than in the last whole year altogether.  It's like they're expecting me to ask them to be BMs; they keep asking about wedding details when I don't even know.  Neither have been engaged before, and both are trying to give advice to how to approach the wedding planning.  <strong>What do I do?  I want them to be at the wedding to celebrate, but not a part of the WP.  Am I being a b*tch for not asking them to be part of the WP? </strong>
Posted by jmuxlilo[/QUOTE]

No you're not. You should only ask people who mean a lot to you, are close to you, and that you want to have up there with you on your wedding day. Don't feel pressured to ask anyone, even if they seem to hint at it.

Whenever they bring up wedding stuff, I would try to politely change the subject.
"So what color BM dresses are you getting?"
"Not really sure yet. Hey what are your plans for XMas?" etc. I know you didn't say you have, but be overly careful about not leading them on. Sometimes, people feel trapped if someone asks them point blank if they're in the WP. If they do this (they shouldn't), but if they do, you need to be honest or say "I haven't decided." If you hem and haw, it may across as a yes.

SarahPLiz

Ask yourself who you would call at 3 am to help hide the body. That's who your BP is. The rest can be guests, which is also an honor. Ask who you want to ask. You don't owe anyone else an explanation and if they ask (which would be rude), just tell them that you would be honored for them to be a guest at the wedding and leave it at that. Telling them why would just make them feel bad, and you presumably don't want to do that. 

[Deleted User]

Ditto pp's. Only the nearest and dearest are asked to be part of your WP. Don't feel bad bc you may not ask the other girls. Life happens, people drift apart, relationships change, it is all ok.

mbcdefg

You shouldn't ask friends out of guilt. If they get their hopes up to be bridesmaids, and you wouldn't have asked them otherwise, that is not your fault if they feel bad over not being asked.

straighttalk3646

Yep, I would totally not feel bad about choosing your nearest and dearest for your BP.I had 4 BM's. My 2 sisters, my cousin and my best friend. These are the girls I knew I could rely on when I was 8 months pregnant with my wedding in 2 months and I just wanted someone to cry with. If you feel uncomfortable discussing wedding plans with them, don't feel wrong changing the subject, or simply saying "I really haven't thought about it, so what is new with you?" 

LoveMuffins

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_choosing-friends-bms?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:f0b2be3a-983d-410d-a488-f89bad0aee4bPost:aee113e9-14a8-4c23-bf1f-6183d4d95fca">Re: Choosing which friends to be BMs</a>:
[QUOTE]Ask yourself who you would call at 3 am to help hide the body. That's who your BP is. The rest can be guests, which is also an honor. Ask who you want to ask. You don't owe anyone else an explanation and if they ask (which would be rude), just tell them that you would be honored for them to be a guest at the wedding and leave it at that. Telling them why would just make them feel bad, and you presumably don't want to do that. 
Posted by SarahPLiz[/QUOTE]

This.

Also, since you say they haven't been engaged or married yet, that means you're the first going through it. They're probably naturally curious, especially if they start thinking about how they'd like their own lives to go. Also, if you're the first of their friends to be getting married then that definitely ups the curiosity quotient.

Having been an out of town bridesmaid, let me say that it's NOT always a fun experience. I felt terrible because I couldn't be there to help the bride (at say, 3 am if she needed it), and then when I came in for the events, I didn't know ANYONE else there. It was a very lonely experience in a lot of ways, and I really wish I had just been able to be a guest. I was a replacement when another bridesmaid had to drop out because she got pregnant and didn't want to be standing up for the ceremony at 9months along, and I accepted and performed my duties to the best of my ability, but I had much more fun being an in-town bridesmaid at a later wedding. They may or may not be hoping that you'll ask them, but even if they are, do them a favor and just let them be regular guests.

aerinpegadrak

If anyone asks why they're not in, you can just say, "Oh, if I had everyone that I love up there with me, there wouldn't be anyone in the audience!  So, have you seen Tron yet?"

orangecrush32

Don't feel guilty about not picking people. Pick those that you are closest with and couldn't imagine standing up there without. If they ask, I like aerin's answer "If I had everyone that I love up there with me, there wouldn't be anyone in the audience."

Just be sure to not lead them on in any way and accidentally make them believe they are in the WP.

lalap69

Ditto PPs that you don't have to ask anyone out of obligation.  If they ask, tell them "oh, Amy, Mary and Sue are my bridesmaids.  So did you finish all your Christmas shopping yet?"  You don't owe them an explanation, and in fact, should avoid giving them one at all costs, as that will just lead to hurt feelings.

jmuxlilo

thanks everyone for your replies!  i'm new to all this, and i have no idea what i'm doing 98% of the time.  the FI takes care of the other 2%.