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How do I tell her she is not my maid of honor?

First let me explain, I was engaged before but the wedding fell through because of quite a few issues. It has been 2 years and I am engaged to the love of my life and we plan on getting married in Nov 2013. In my past wedding plans, my cousin was going to be my maid of honor. So since I am engaged now she expects that title. I understand this is a little messed up to take that from her but I feel we aren't close at all. She knows nothing about me and I don't want that. It is a different time in my life and I have people who I know I want in my bridal party next to me. She is not one of them and I don't know how to tell her. She is going to the rest of the family talking about how I had better ask her to be my maid of honor again, and now I have the rest of the family down my throat and it is terribly upsetting.. I know it is going to hurt her, but I know there has to be a nicer way to say it. Is it wrong of me to feel that it is rude of her to expect to be the maid of honor? I feel this whole thing has blown up way to much and its not even 2013 yet.. Any advice would be wonderful...

Re: How do I tell her she is not my maid of honor?

  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    First, don't ask anyone to be in your wedding party until you are about 8-9 months out from your wedding date.  As you know things can change and so can friendships.

    It is rude of your cousin to just assume she is your MOH especially since the wedding that she was asked to be MOH in did not occur.  This is a completely new situation and wedding and to assume that she is still in that role is wrong of her.  However, since she is family "kicking her out" so to say since you didn't really even ask her may cause more harm and tension then you really need.

    The next time she brings up her role as MOH tell her that you are sorry but that there must have been a miscommunication because you haven't picked your bridal party yet.  I would still include her in your bridal party mainly to keep peace within your family as a BM, you don't want one day to cause WWIII to breakout.

    But from this point on, if anyone asks you about your wedding party tell them that you haven't decided on anything as of yet and then change the subject.

  • First, take comfort in the idea that since you aren't getting married until November 2013, you really don't need to ask anyone to be in your bridal party until February of that year.  Also, I don't think you need to say anything to her or anyone else in your family about what you are thinking.  You can honestly tell people you won't be making any decisions until early next year and that you aren't sure who you will ask yet. 

    It would be rude of your cousin or anyone else to ask if she was your intended MOH, or even a member of the bridal party.  If she or anyone asks you about it, I think what you wrote "This is a different time in my life and I will be doing some things differently this time" is a diplomatic way to answer them without needing to say specifically that she is not in the bridal party.  If she persists, then you may need to be more direct, but I'd start trying to be vague but noncommital.
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  • For now, you should tell them that you haven't decided on the bridal party yet and you'll be making that decision a closer to the wedding.  Then change the subject.  

    Since it's a completely new wedding, you are well within your rights to have a different bridal party.  Your cousin is in the wrong here for being threatening about being your MOH.  

  • Thanks so much everyone for your answers. I will be sure to inform my family that is not where my focus is and hopefully it will fizzle out. But thanks again for your answers it makes me feel much better about myself and the things that I want. Maybe now I can just enjoy being engaged lol

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