And the Shenanigans Ensue.

ScrabbleAndLlamas

So.

I have this friend.  She and I used to be best friends in middle school, and she formed a special relationship with my parents during that time.  She moved across the country a couple years ago, and now I only really talk to her about once a year.  My current best friend and I met because we are both mutual friends of hers.  Best friend talks with her much more frequently.  I could include a bunch of other details, but they really don't matter.  Bottom line is that while my best friend is one of my bridesmaids, this girl is not.  She actually didn't even cross my mind in the list of choices.  As soon as I got engaged, she decided that if my best friend was in the bridal party, then of course she was going to be one.  She called my best friend and mentioned repeatedly how she couldn't imagine not being chosen.  Well, she found out through the grapevine that she was not a bridesmaid.  She told my best friend that she was so hurt she didn't hear it from me.  What was I supposed to do, call her up randomly (which I never do), and say, "Hey, just in case you think you're a bridesmaid, you're not."?  So now she's called me, and left a message saying she wants to chat.  What the heck am I supposed to say when she asks why she's not a bridesmaid?  Oh, and yes, she is the type to ask.

Short version: Not-so-close friend is hurt she isn't a bridesmaid.  I didn't give her a reason to believe she would be.  What do I say when she asks why?

erinlin25

that's a tough one.  You never should have to explain to someone why they are not a bridesmaid, so I'm sorry you have to deal with that.  While I see that you guys used to be close way back when, I am surprised she would assume she was going to be a bridesmaid considering you guys rarely keep in touch nowadays.  I would just try to avoid the subject, but if she flat out asks you just be honest and let her know that while you cherish her friendship there were other girls that you are closer to at this stage in life.  Are you planning on having her as a guest?  If you are, then at least you can let her know that you hope she will be at the wedding and she can then be included in a shower or bachelorette party.  How many bridesmaids do you have?  In my case its easier to ever "justify" cause I ended up just having my 3 best friends, my FI sister and Sister-In-Law.  I have like 6 close sorority sisters "way back when" could have been in the mix, but considering now we maybe get to catch up once or twice a year, I didn't have any of them in the wedding party so its easy to justify when people ask why I didn't include any sorority sisters.  Good Luck with your convo; It may be awkward, but if she is a good friend she will let it go and understand your decision.

JaxInBlue

Hopefully she'll realize it's terribly poor form to ask but in case she doesn't have that realization, I'd go with "We weren't able to ask everyone we would have liked!" (This doesn't necessary mean her.) Do you plan on inviting her to the wedding?  If yes, you can follow the above with "We're looking forward to having you as our guest."  If you don't think she'll make the final cut, then you'll need to bean dip - ask about her life, the weather, a shared hobby - and sort of ignore any more wedding related talk.

You didn't say how she found out about not being a bridesmaid so this may not apply, but you may need to ask other mutual friends to minimize talk about your wedding in group settings.  You can use etiquette as your friend and ask that since you have not finalized plans or a guest list (whatever is the case), you don't want to make it awkward if you later have to change course.

MyNameIsNot

I had a similar situation with two friends.  I met a close friend (a BM) through another girl that I was close with back in college.  As the years went by, I stayed close to one and not the other, but always considered the college friend to be a bit of an "outer circle friend".  I invited one to be a BM and the other to be a guest.  I never would have thought to call the college friend and tell her that she wouldn't be a BM or why.  

My friend never asked, because I think it was obvious that we just weren't that close anymore.  If she had asked, I would have been honest and said "I love you and our friendship, but I wanted to limit the WP to my absolute closest friends.  I hope you'll still join us as a guest."  

ScrabbleAndLlamas

She is definitely invited to the wedding, and I hope she will come! I'm going to plug the potential information leaks to prevent this from happening again. I returned her call today, but she was busy. She'll call me back tomorrow. Hopefully someone has talked some sense into her and she won't ask...

Wife Kitty

I'm sorry in advance for the awkward conversation you may need to have with your friend, Woods, but the previous posters have hit the nail right on the head with their advice. You've handled things well so far and I'm sure you'll continue to.

Also, it makes me happy to see someone using the word "shenanigans" in a post.

ScrabbleAndLlamas

I talked to her, and she's more upset that maybe we're not as close as she thought. I'm sure this was uncomfortable for her too. She's one of those people who I love dearly, but I wouldn't be calling to help hide the bodies. By the way, my advice for any future brides with this issue is to tell older female relatives about this. They all react with horror and make you feel better.