Picking Bridesmaids! Help!

mezzjnny

My wedding is next year and I have picked my Maid of Honor and two other Bridesmaids.  My question might seem odd but what to do when you are close friends with someone and you would want them in your wedding but you can't 100% rely on them?  She is a really good person and I know she will be offended if I don't ask her to be my bridesmaid but she is not financially stable and not the most reliable person either.  I fear that when it comes to paying for the dress, bachelorette party, shower etc. she will back out and/or not help out.  I don't want to hurt her feelings and pick someone else over her but I worry.  What to do??? 

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_picking-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:f2c13ec1-ca47-4766-b52b-4aa677f8505fPost:8c66eed8-bb14-4f5c-a6a0-ca044fda7bb2">Picking Bridesmaids! Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]My wedding is next year and I have picked my Maid of Honor and two other Bridesmaids.  My question might seem odd but what to do when you are close friends with someone and you would want them in your wedding but you can't 100% rely on them?  She is a really good person and I know she will be offended if I don't ask her to be my bridesmaid but she is not financially stable and not the most reliable person either.  I fear that when it comes to paying for the dress, bachelorette party, shower etc. she will back out and/or not help out.  I don't want to hurt her feelings and pick someone else over her but I worry.  What to do??? 
Posted by mezzjnny[/QUOTE]
Have you thought about paying for her dress for her?  A couple of our groomsmen aren't terribly financially stable, and FI's footing the tux bill for them.  As far as parties go, nobody's obligated to throw any of them, even bridesmaids.  If she isn't willing or able to help out to any parties that get thrown for you, that shouldn't prevent her from standing up with you.  And there really isn't an "et cetera."  All she needs to do is get the dress and show up.  Anything else is optional.

You already know the answer to this.  Whatever reasons you have not to ask her don't outweigh the damage you'd cause to your relationship by slighting a close friend, especially if you then choose someone you're not as close to as a slot filler.

MyNameIsNot

Throwing you parties is not a requirement of being a BM.  BMs only do that stuff if they want to and can afford it.  If she's typically flakey, you can expect that she won't be the one doing those things.  If she's really your friend and you really care about her, you'll probably want to honor her regardless of what she will do for you.  After all, you are good friends in spite of her flakey nature.

For the dresses, you need to ask each of your BMs for their budgets before you start looking at dresses.  She should be able to buy a dress within the budget she gives you.  If it's really tight, you can consider buying it for her.  I know I would never hesitate if it was between buying the dress and not having my friend stand up for me.

In any event, your wedding is not until May 2011.  You shouldn't be asking WP until about 6-9 months out, or next fall.  Read through this board for tons of examples of why asking too early is a bad idea.

stina93446

You should ask her if you want her as a bm and she can decide if she has enough cash for the whole thing. I agree with Aerin that you could pay for her dress. You should make sure that if she says yes, you ask her what she can afford for a dress. She may be able to shell out half a dress. If you really want her in your party because you love her and she's one of your best friends, I think these are all good compromises.

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_picking-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:f2c13ec1-ca47-4766-b52b-4aa677f8505fPost:8c66eed8-bb14-4f5c-a6a0-ca044fda7bb2">Picking Bridesmaids! Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]she is not financially stable and not the most reliable person either.  I fear that when it comes to paying for the dress, bachelorette party, shower etc. she will back out and/or not help out.
Posted by mezzjnny[/QUOTE]

I'm sorry, this is a horrible reason not to ask someone. For ALL BMs, you should ask them their budget individually before picking the dress. If this girl's budget is so low that it's really not realistic for a "bridesmaid dress" (which are usually more expensive than dept store dresses) then you have options - help her pay for the dress you want, choose a dress from a normal store, help her find the dress second hand, or choose a color and length and let everyone choose her own dress. So the dress - which is the only actual obligation a BM has - can be figured out. Shoes, accessories, and hair/make-up should be paid for by you if you're requiring that they be the same or professionally done.

As far as pre-wedding parties, those are gifts people may choose to give you. I hope that you just haven't thought about how it sounds to say that you would consider not asking a friend to be with you at your wedding because you don't think she can afford to throw you a party. If someone chooses to host a party, that person should speak to others to ask for their budgets before making plans - it shouldn't, for example, be your MOH just presenting the other BMs with a bill without them having any input.

emilykathleen511

My wedding is next year and I have picked my Maid of Honor and two other Bridesmaids.  My question might seem odd but what to do when you are close friends with someone and you would want them in your wedding but you can't 100% rely on them?  She is a really good person and I know she will be offended if I don't ask her to be my bridesmaid but she is not financially stable and not the most reliable person either.  I fear that when it comes to paying for the dress, bachelorette party, shower etc. she will back out and/or not help out.  I don't want to hurt her feelings and pick someone else over her but I worry.  What to do???

 

In Response to Re: Picking Bridesmaids! Help!:

I'm not considering NOT asking her because she won't give me great gifts or pay for stuff.  I don't know how reliable she will be last minute to come to the wedding and also if she will even be involved in the pre-wedding stuff (not even considring the money).  I would like her ther for my Bachelorette party but again, the realibility comes into play.  Will she be there?  I guess it's hard to explain.  You have to know her to know exactly what I mean.  Some of the posts really did help.  I appreciate it! 
Posted by mezzjnny

I'm sorry, but your posts contradict themselves. Maybe you don't care that much about the money part, but it was hard to tell based on your first post. All we have to go off of is what you say in your post. The above advice still stands even based on the second post. How reliable does she actually have to be to show up in her dress, walk down the aisle, stand quietly during the ceremony, and smile for pictures? Because that is ALL she has to do. If she chooses to do more, great. If not, then she was standing next you while you get married, which is a great honor for those closest to you, which is how she will see it, and how you should see it.

gottahavashorti

She doesn't need to be there for the pre-wedding stuff.  If you already know that she's flaky enough to possibly miss the actual wedding, you can prepare yourself now for the idea that she won't show up and you  might just have one less bridesmaid that day.

bablingbrooke

BMs aren't required to attend pre-wedding parties.  None of mine could come to my shower because they were all OOT and couldn't get the extra time off work.  In fact, I don't think I've ever been to a shower or bach party where the OOT BMs attended.  

No one, BM or not, is required to attend these things.  So if that's the sole reason you don't want her as a BM, frankly it's not a very good reason.  If you just don't like her very much (and the tone of your posts indicates that you don't) that's another story.