Sweetheart vs head tables

8daysaweek

I really dislike head tables. I think it's silly to have your WP sit apart from their dates and at our very intimate wedding most of their dates won't know many other people, if anyone. I want everyone, including their SOs to have a good time of course and I think being with their date would improve their time at our wedding.
The problem is FI won't consider anything else. I've suggested a sweetheart table and sitting with our parents and no luck. I think it is most likely just that he has only attended weddings with head tables and can't really imagine anything else.
Any ideas how I can convince him a sweetheart table would be better than a head table? This is really the only thing we've had a difference of opinions on and one of very few things he's had a strong opinion on but it's also one thing I just really don't want to give in on because I want our WP and their dates to have a good time and sit together.
The only other option I could come up with was having the dates at the head table with us but for some reason that seems weird - it's not like you can even talk to anyone at those long tables except the people right beside you and the whole WP plus dates couldn't fit at a round table.

mbcdefg

We had a head table that included all of our wedding party members' dates ... but we only had four WP members, and only three brought dates, so our head table consisted of nine people.

It was fine. It didn't look bad, and we were able to speak with everyone at the table a little bit. Although, whether you have a sweetheart table or a head table, I don't think you'd be able to talk extensively with your WP members anyway ... we were really only all seated there together for the toasts and then dinner. For the rest of the reception, they were either dancing, talking with some other friends in attendance, or hanging out near the bar. And my husband and I were walking around and greeting guests when we had the chance.

My suggestions for arguments against your FI's idea of a dateless head table:

- Would you really want to be invited to a social event with me, but then not be allowed to sit with me?
- Wedding rules aren't set in stone. We don't have to have a head table just because other people before us have done so.
- Isn't it silly to invite couples to an event that's all about love, and then split them up just for the sake of a prettier picture?*

* which is silly to begin with, since you'll probably have few (if any) photos of everyone seated at the head table anyway. I have ONE pro photo, out of 700+, that shows the entire head table. And it's no good anyway, since it was taken during the priest's dinner blessing and he's blocking one person at the table.

Personally, I haven't seen a head table since my cousin's wedding in the early 90s. Every other wedding had a sweetheart table, and one had the bride and groom sitting with both sets of parents.

If your head table wouldn't fit everyone plus their dates, you could sit with the Best Man and MOH and their dates. Or your siblings and their dates.

megk8oz

Well, I'm a big fan of the sweetheart table-we had one, and I loved it! It really was the only "alone" time DH and I had after our first dance was over.

Depending on your FI's sense of humor, could you flat out ask him if he seriously thinks your marriage will be annulled based on where the WP sat during the reception?

Anyway, if you really can't get him off of this head table idea, then yes, definitely include the WP dates (The WP and their S/Os really shouldn't "suffer" for your FI's inability to come around on the matter). And also, use this as a bargaining chip for any other planning compromises: since he got his way on this, you get your way on x. Or if he lets this one go, you'll let him have his way on something else that you might not agree on.

Cynthia1207

I guess I'm on the minority side where I really don't see the problem of separating S/Os  from each other at a wedding.  I've been in several weddings none of which my SO was sitting with me at the head table.  I didn't pull a fit.  I ate my food (which took an average of maybe 5 minutes per plate) and then got up from my seat and off to the table where my SO was sitting at.  No biggie. 

I like the idea of doing a sweetheart tale between the larger tables with the WP.  It seems like a nice compromise.  I don't really see why this is an issue though.  One of you will have to give in at some point.

megk8oz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_sweetheart-vs-head-tables?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:f6b9227b-b93a-4447-b8ab-b313ee6065f3Post:877c3a87-a5cf-46d3-8e58-b97afe0a7666">Re: Sweetheart vs head tables</a>:
[QUOTE]I guess I'm on the minority side where I really don't see the problem of separating S/Os  from each other at a wedding.  I've been in several weddings none of which my SO was sitting with me at the head table.  I didn't pull a fit.  I ate my food (which took an average of maybe 5 minutes per plate) and then got up from my seat and off to the table where my SO was sitting at.  No biggie.  I like the idea of doing a sweetheart tale between the larger tables with the WP.  It seems like a nice compromise.  I don't really see why this is an issue though.  One of you will have to give in at some point.
Posted by Cynthia1207[/QUOTE]

It's rude to separate people from their dates. Just because you didn't mind, doesn't mean it wasn't rude.

I really don't feel like starting a HT debate (Even though it's been a while since the last one, frankly, I find them annoying), but: The WP members are supposed to be the couple's "honored guests". And where the WP sits during the reception has no bearing on the wedding-HT are purely an aesthetic choice, nobody declares your marriage invalid if you don't have one. Why should the "honored" guests get slighted over something that literally does not have any effect on your wedding?

You wouldn't make your grandparents (If they are still married) sit at different tables, you wouldn't make your parents (Provided they are still married) sit at different tables ... hell, you wouldn't make your college friends that aren't in the WP, and you won't see again for several years, sit at a different table than whomever their date it. Why? "Because that would be rude/crazy".  Same logic applies to the WP.

[Deleted User]

We had a head table, and although looking back we probably should of had a sweetheart table, it really worked out for us. No one complained and after dinner was over everyone got up and mingled, danced and hung out with their families.

Licia&Wayne

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_sweetheart-vs-head-tables?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:f6b9227b-b93a-4447-b8ab-b313ee6065f3Post:877c3a87-a5cf-46d3-8e58-b97afe0a7666">Re: Sweetheart vs head tables</a>:
[QUOTE]I guess I'm on the minority side where I really don't see the problem of separating S/Os  from each other at a wedding.  <strong>I've been in several weddings none of which my SO was sitting with me at the head table.  I didn't pull a fit.  I ate my food (which took an average of maybe 5 minutes per plate) and then got up from my seat and off to the table where my SO was sitting at.  No biggie.</strong>  I like the idea of doing a sweetheart tale between the larger tables with the WP.  It seems like a nice compromise.  I don't really see why this is an issue though.  One of you will have to give in at some point.
Posted by Cynthia1207[/QUOTE]

It may not have been a biggie for you. I've been there, too. You just do whatever at the head table and move on. But it is poor etiquette. And really, at a wedding where you're celebrating relationships, why on earth would you ask someone to separate from his or her significant other just for the sake of a seating arrangement?

SarahPLiz

Our tables were arranged as such

1                  2

         3

4                  5

6

7    8

Tables 1, 2 and 5 were parents and their immediate siblings, etc. We were at table 3 with the entire WP (3 people) and their dates, as well as my cousin, who was a reader. Table 4 was my closest friends and their dates, 6 was 2 step siblngs and their kids, 7 was local friends and 8 was friends from home. It worked out well for us, with up to 10 chairs at each round table. Depending on how many are in your WP and on your guestlist, as setup like this might work. 

aerinpegadrak

I think you need to press him and get him to articulate exactly why he wants the head table, so you can find a compromise that will satisfy his deeper wishes without having to give in to the superficial demand.  If it's just because "that's how it's always been done," explain that it only really started in the '80s and it's dying out pretty rapidly.  If he wants to get more time to spend with his attendants, explain that the Last Supper style doesn't really allow him to interact with anyone except you and the person to his left, and you won't be able to sit there for long anyway.  If he just likes the way they look, maybe you could do just the MOH and best man and their dates.  And so on and so forth.  There are a billion different ways to handle seating of the B&G that don't require splitting up couples, but knowing why he's digging in his heels on this will make it easier to find the version that he'll be happiest with.

megandjay

I have only been to one wedding with a head table without S/Os and it looked so weird!

I have seen round head tables with S/Os and sweetheart tables.

We sat at a round table for 8 with our MOH/husband, Groomsman/fiance and BM/husband. Our other WP members sat at the next table over. No one thought it was weird at all, and everyone was sitting with their dates!

I really agree with Licia&wayne- if a wedding is celebrating relationships, it seems odd to separate your closest family and friends from their significant others!

trix1223

Our DD had a sweetheart table, but like retread, did not want to be "on display" while they were eating.  So they solved the problem this way:  their room was a long rectangular shaped room.

The had their SH table in the left front corner of the room.  Their cake was in the right front corner of the room.  Table 2 was DH and me and our guests.  Table 3 was SIL's family and their guests.  And then the tables fanned out from there.

Bride and groom's families could see them, eveyone could see MOH and BM during the toasts, but because DD and SIL were seated, they weren't "on display" to all other guests.

We did have to move the SH table after the venue set it up, because despite their instructions, they put it "front and center".  But with the move, DD and SIL were happy, and the room looked great.

As for convincing your SIL, send him here.  We'll help him see the light. 

ETA:  8days:  your DD is just precious.  I LOVE her smile!

mkrupar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_sweetheart-vs-head-tables?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:f6b9227b-b93a-4447-b8ab-b313ee6065f3Post:4cfba840-9723-4f44-9a9e-c227d15bf53e">Re: Sweetheart vs head tables</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you need to press him and get him to articulate exactly why he wants the head table, so you can find a compromise that will satisfy his deeper wishes without having to give in to the superficial demand.  If it's just because "that's how it's always been done," explain that it only really started in the '80s and it's dying out pretty rapidly.  If he wants to get more time to spend with his attendants, explain that the Last Supper style doesn't really allow him to interact with anyone except you and the person to his left, and you won't be able to sit there for long anyway.  If he just likes the way they look, maybe you could do just the MOH and best man and their dates.  And so on and so forth.  There are a billion different ways to handle seating of the B&G that don't require splitting up couples, but knowing why he's digging in his heels on this will make it easier to find the version that he'll be happiest with.
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

I agree with all of this. What is the real reason he wants a head table? Is it just because that's how he's seen it done? Maybe you could find pictures of other wedding set-ups and explain to him the benefits of doing it that way. Or print out the advice you've been given here and show it to him.

I can't think of a hard fast reason to have a head table over sitting among your guests or a sweetheart table. I think if he really really wants to go with this you should suggest the King's table to him. A large rectangular table where B&G, WP, and WP SOs sit across from each other. This allows for more conversation among the people at the table, you're still front and center, but you're not excluding your WP SOs.

mikeynkrib2011

My venue offers a head table setup like this:

               Guest Table              Bride  Groom                     Guest Table
                                          MOH               Best man   
                                       MOH Date          Best man date
              Guest Table        BM 1               Groomsman 1            Guest Table
                                       BM Date            Groomsman  1 Date  
                                        BM 2                Groomsman 2
                                        BM 2 date        Groomsman 2 date                       

             Guest Table                                                                Guest Table
 
                                                   Guest Table  

It's like a head table except for being at the head and spanning lengthwise, it goes down the middle with you and your fiancee sitting at the head.  M

Wait, is that what a king's table is??????????????

If so, it might be a good medium for you guys....very 'head table-esque' but with a sweetheart twist!

mikeynkrib2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_sweetheart-vs-head-tables?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:f6b9227b-b93a-4447-b8ab-b313ee6065f3Post:598a0dfb-730f-4e5f-99f3-07cdd21ffcf8">Re: Sweetheart vs head tables</a>:
[QUOTE]My venue offers a head table setup like this:                Guest Table              Bride  Groom                     Guest Table                                           MOH               Best man                                           MOH Date          Best man date               Guest Table        BM 1               Groomsman 1            Guest Table                                        BM Date            Groomsman  1 Date                                           BM 2                Groomsman 2                                         BM 2 date        Groomsman 2 date                                     Guest Table                                                                Guest Table                                                      Guest Table   It's like a head table except for being at the head and spanning lengthwise, it goes down the middle with you and your fiancee sitting at the head.  M Wait, is that what a king's table is?????????????? If so, it might be a good medium for you guys....very 'head table-esque' but with a sweetheart twist!
Posted by mikeynkrib2011[/QUOTE]


That turned out cruddy.  Think of a head table, turn it so two people can sit at the end and the rest of the WP and their dates sit together. 

lalap69

If your FI is anything like mine, when he's first confronted with an idea outside of his expectations he's a little weirded out, but if you give him time to adjust to the idea and talk him through it logically he'll eventually come around.

That's how he was about mixed gender and uneven sides originally, but once I gave him a bit of space he realized "oh yeah, just because I've always seen it one way doesn't mean that there's actually a good reason for it.  Why can't we do it this way?"