Bridesmaid Blunder....HELP!

akaltenbach

Hey guys,

I've got a question about what to do with a particular bridesmaid of mine.

My fiance and I have dreamed about getting married on the beach, but wanted as much of our family and friends as possible. The place we found will marry us on the sand like we want and the cost is right for the reception, but the hall is a bit small. I have a huge family with around 25 neices and nephews between all cousins. We decided that in order to be able to physically fit everyone into the hall we would have to cut the kids who aren't coming in from out of town. (mind you most the kids are toddler range so they would need constant watching) Most everyone has been super supportive and understanding as I've laid out the reasoning. The one person who I thought would be upset, but at least mildly supportive is one of my bridesmaids.  She has a little girl as well ,but I wanted to be fair to everyone and not play favorites with the kids so I just made a point to say unless you're traveling in from out of town, no kids. Anyway, when I told her about my decision and why this is what decided she responsed  with  "then I won't be in the wedding". She tried to back peddle and say that she would be there, but didn't say if that meant she would be in the wedding still.  She proceeded to then tell me that the rest of my family will boycott my wedding. She felt it was totally disrespectful and absolutely absurd to not have all of the kids. She continued for several minutes about how I didn't understand and that she would never do anything like this. I tried to explain my side, but was getting no where. I informed her that we were both too emotional and I didn't want to say anything I regretted so I was done having the conversation at the moment. It's now been well over 2 weeks and I haven't recieved a single text, email, phone call from her.

To make matters worse she pulled a stunt the weekend I got engaged. We we're supposed to get together, but then she bailed on me after we had something planned as I was coming into town and live a few hours away. She tried to guilt trip me into driving up to  get her and then all the way back down to where we had our reservations at (this would of made the round trip time like 8 hours in the car, after I already travelled in from out of town). She put me into tears, because of all of this. Mind you all of this went down the evening I got engaged.

I don't even know what to say to her, but now I'm doubting if I want her in my wedding since from the beginning shes been very hurtful and made this a less than enjoyable process. She also hasn't even called to see how I am doing since this timeframe marks the 1 yr anniversay of my mother passing away. I figured at the very least we could put aside the wedding disagreement and she could atleast check on me.

I've been friends with this girl since we were little kids. In the past few years we've definitely grown apart, but I didn't think we had grown that far apart.

So I guess my question would be is it within reason to tell her that I think it's best she not be in the wedding or should I go forward and let her make the decision on her own? I just worry about the stress that will result if something drastic doesn't change with her behavior.

AddieCake

Do not kick her out unless you are prepared to end this friendship completely. If she takes herself out of the wedding, that is her choice. Personally, I would let her bring her kid b/c my WP was made up of my absolute best friends, and if I had a no kids except OOT ones and then included my bridesmaid's child, I doubt anybody would think twice about it. I have a thing about making exceptions for people I am THAT close to. It might be unfair and impolite for some, but in my social circle, it would be fine. 

itzMS

Your wedding isn't until August 2014??!?!?!? If so...you need to wait at least until the summer to ask your bridal party and start to firm up details.

Stop talking about the guest list for awhile since you won't even be sending out invitations until over a year from now anyways.

If you've already asked this girl to be a bridesmaid...there's no "unasking" her.

Peledreamsofrain

I think at this point, just leave her be and let the next move be hers.  She may grow up and either politely excuse herself if she can't find babysitting, or just flounce out like a child because she can't have her way.

Either way, it's a decision that you can't make for her.  It's always sad when people change, but if she's making your life miserable with negativity, there's no reason to try to cling to a memory.

KateH2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-blunderhelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:f9517f6d-02d1-46c8-9129-9a8c4c175382Post:490ce727-9884-4e02-ab6e-3633f4cb003d">Re: Bridesmaid Blunder....HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE]I think at this point, just leave her be and let the next move be hers.  <strong>She may grow up</strong> and either politely excuse herself if she can't find babysitting, or just flounce out like a child because she can't have her way. Either way, it's a decision that you can't make for her.  It's always sad when people change, but if she's making your life miserable with negativity, there's no reason to try to cling to a memory.
Posted by Peledreamsofrain[/QUOTE]

<div>I'm confused about why the BM needs to grow up because she reacted emotionally to being told her child is not allowed at the wedding. Out of town guests with children will all need to find sitters and that's a hassle so I don't blame her for being upset. </div><div>
</div><div>OP, if possible (since you have time), perhaps you might consider having an adult only ceremony/reception to save on space, and have just the kids that are also part of the wedding party (if you'll have any)?</div>

OliveOilsMom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-blunderhelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:f9517f6d-02d1-46c8-9129-9a8c4c175382Post:ae1ff16a-21e8-4590-9268-316c15c1cfe2">Re: Bridesmaid Blunder....HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid Blunder....HELP! : I'm confused about why the BM needs to grow up because she reacted emotionally to being told her child is not allowed at the wedding. <strong>Out of town guests with children will all need to find sitters</strong> and that's a hassle so I don't blame her for being upset.  OP, if possible (since you have time), perhaps you might consider having an adult only ceremony/reception to save on space, and have just the kids that are also part of the wedding party (if you'll have any)?
Posted by KateH2013[/QUOTE]

OP is allowing only OOT children.  She doesn't specifically state whether the BM in question is OOT, but I would make the conclusion that she is not OOT because otherwise her child would be invited.

Is that correct OP?  Is your BM OOT or in town?  Because if you are allowing all other OOT children, and the BM is OOT, why can't your BM bring her kid too.  It doesn't violate the rule you set for your wedding.

I agree that your BM overracted.  I only had my neice and nephews attend our wedding.  No one boycotted our wedding because children were not invited. 

If you wish to completely end the friendship with this BM, then yes, kick her out.  It is a relationship ending move and you will be the one that looks bad too.

KateH2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-blunderhelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:f9517f6d-02d1-46c8-9129-9a8c4c175382Post:8988de57-c239-462e-b55e-42c9b8ba3536">Re: Bridesmaid Blunder....HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid Blunder....HELP! : OP is allowing only OOT children.  She doesn't specifically state whether the BM in question is OOT, but I would make the conclusion that she is not OOT because otherwise her child would be invited. Is that correct OP?  Is your BM OOT or in town?  Because if you are allowing all other OOT children, and the BM is OOT, why can't your BM bring her kid too.  It doesn't violate the rule you set for your wedding. I agree that your BM overracted.  I only had my neice and nephews attend our wedding.  No one boycotted our wedding because children were not invited.  If you wish to completely end the friendship with this BM, then yes, kick her out.  It is a relationship ending move and you will be the one that looks bad too.
Posted by OliveOilsMom[/QUOTE]

<div>Ah, thanks! Reading fail on my part. Saw "aren't" as are... Either way, I still don't think it's appropriate to draw a line where "these kids are invited, but these kids are not" unless it's for kids in the wedding party.</div>

Peledreamsofrain

KateH2013, it is massively rude to lash out at people for not including your children in 'everything evar yaaay!'. Some events are not open to children, or lack the space to include them and adults. Insisting that your sweet little angel snookums MUST attend anyway is extremely childish. To even begin to go to the lengths of threatening the host with "well thwn I'm not coming, so there" is disgusting, and again, childish. So yes, perhaps she will 'grow up', take responsibility, acknowledge the entire world doesn't cater to her whims, and stop harrassing someone she claims is a good friend. It grinds my gears when people don't just graciously decline, and instead turn things into a massive greek tragedy that is all about them.

MyNameIsNot

Your problem started when you decided to try to "explain your side."  The decision of who is and isn't invited, including children, is up to you, your FI, and anyone else putting in money.  It is no one else's business how or why you choose your guest list.  

When she said that she wouldn't come if her child wasn't invited, your reply should have been "I'm sorry that you feel that way, but unfortunately we aren't able to invite your daughter.  I'll be disappointed, but I'll understand if that means you can't make it."  

Since your wedding is more than a year away, put the guest list conversation on the back burner for now.  There is no reason to tell anyone who will or won't be invited at this point.  If this girl is or was a close enough friend that you've asked her to be a BM this far in advance, it's probably a friendship worth attempting to salvage.  Give her a call (not text) to reach out to her for friendship (not bridesmaid) reasons.  

Just as it would be shortsighted of you to end the friendship over her poor reaction, she's probably not willing to throw it away over your guest list.  

BubblyBride75

Have you tried calling her or reaching out to her, ever? It sounds like you have been expecting her to be contacting you all the time, but you never tried to contact her. If she has a child she is probably pretty busy with her own life too so it wouldn't hurt for you to make a little effort too.

As far as the whole night you got engaged thing, maybe you didn't explain well enough for me to understand but it sounds like you two had plans, something came up where she ended up being OOT and she wanted to see you so asked you to pick her up? I guess I just don't understand how someone screwing up plans once is that big of a deal. She had no idea ahead of time that you were going to be getting engaged that night so I don't see how you can fault her for having her own life. 

I have no idea what your relationship with her daughter is like but perhaps she is upset that you don't seem interested in her daughter, a huge part of her life. I know my best friend is the first of our group of friends to have a baby and she really struggles with her friends who want to pretend like she is still single and child-less and never include her husband or child in any plans or conversations. Could it be that your friend is hurt by your lack of interest in her family and her daughter not being invited to the wedding is just the straw that broke the camel's back?

Maybe I'm way off base and am completely misinterpreting your post but I would suggest taking a step back and doing some introspection before you talk to her again, you might find that your expectations of her are a little too high or that you could stand to put a little more effort into your friendship too. Or maybe she really is self centered in which case ending your friendship by kicking her out of the WP might be your best option. 

As far as the whole kids thing go I'm sure no one would question the child of a BM being present, especially if there are several other children present. No one will be going up to every child asking them where they live to ensure that your guest list is "fair". 

ScrabbleAndLlamas

Am I totally misreading this, or did you ask your bridesmaids and reserve your venue before you even got engaged?

ridedatbike

What kind of situation is she in? I mean I might kind of be salty well more than salty if the bride I was a bm for said my lo.wasn't allowed but that's more because she would know my situation . Maybe she thinks you're unnecessarily putting her out more than you understand?

stantokm

OP, planning a wedding is stressful so you have to relax sometimes and ask yourself if this is the hill you want to die on--or is this worth ending a lifelong friendship?

I think it was smart to end the conversation when you guys were both upset and table it for when you were both thinking rationally.  I don't think it was her responsibility anymore than yours to make the first move to call.  Be the bigger person and call her first.  Apologize for upsetting her and say that you'd love to have her daughter there.  It's just one kid.

Forget about the incident on the night you got engaged.  It was one night.  And she hasn't called you about your mom?  OP, not everyone is that thoughtful.  It's one thing if you call her wanting to talk about something that upset you and she blows you off completely; it's totally different if she's busy with her own life and doesn't recall the date of your mom's death.  I didn't call my own mom on the anniversary of her father's death because I didn't want to remind her of a sad time.

I agree that she could have been more understanding about your space issues at the venue, but it must have upset her to think that other kids could attend but hers couldn't even though she's in your bridal party and supposed to be one of the most important people in your life.  When your wedding isn't for 1 1/2 years, you have plenty of time to make decisions about the guest list.