Un-involved Sister????

sunshinegurl17

Maybe some other brides-to-be are having this issue, or have dealt with it in the past, but I'd sure like some advice. I have a younger sister, who happens to also be my only sister. When my fiance and I decided on our wedding party, we had some questions between us whether we should have my younger sister (then still in high school) be my maid of honor, or his older, married sister. I took it directly to my sister, asking her if she wanted that responsiblity, and she declined, saying her upcoming years of college were going to take a tax on her time, and to have my soon-to-be-sister-in-law fill the position. That said, we've begun planning stuff. When I scheduled my first dress searching mission, it was really important that I have all (3) of my mom's (mom-in-law included) to be there as well as all of my 5 bridesmaids, since several of them have to travel quite a distance, to meet one another as a good start to the upcoming year of festivities.

Everyone was able to make it save a bridesmaid who's boss wouldn't give her the time off (but she came by later to celebrate privately with me), and my sister. My sister lives at home with my step-mom, who came.

I ended up finding my dress that first searching mission, and I explained to my sister that it hurt me that she chose not to come. Her excuse was that was the only time to see her boyfriend. I asked her to come another saturday to pick up my dress, thinking maybe she could see it in person then. Again, I was denied because of "boyfriend" issues.

Now I've been prepping the ladies for bridesmaid dress shopping, and my sister has actively voiced that it better not be on a saturday, or else she won't come. But everyone else works mon-fri 9-5 jobs, so saturdays work best.

How do I tackle this lack of wanting to participate in your only sister's wedding???? I want my sister there, but if she's not wanting to participate in ANY of the activities she committed to as a bridesmaid, would it be better to let her bow out?

Help Please!!!

SKPM

No. The entire point of a wedding party is for the bride and groom to honor those nearest and dearest to them. It isn't for the bride to have an entourage for a year of festivities. If you want your sister as a bridesmaid because you love her and can't imagine getting married without her standing up there with you, which I hope is the case since you've already asked her, then her only requirements are to get the dress and show up and smile for the photos. I understand you are disappointed that she wasn't there when you found your dress. But you invited her, and she declined to come, which is well within her right. She even told you from the beginning that she has her own life to attend to at this time. Going forward, treat her like a sister, not like a groupie, and maintain your relationship with her outside of wedding talk.

Viczaesar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_un-involved-sister?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:fc25ab11-8334-4191-aad2-c8dd93e655efPost:d2ff37d0-bd31-490a-84f1-a20c8ab10595">Un-involved Sister????</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe some other brides-to-be are having this issue, or have dealt with it in the past, but I'd sure like some advice. I have a younger sister, who happens to also be my only sister. When my fiance and I decided on our wedding party, we had some questions between us whether we should have my younger sister (then still in high school) be my maid of honor, or his older, married sister. I took it directly to my sister, asking her if she wanted that responsiblity, and she declined, saying her upcoming years of college were going to take a tax on her time, and to have my soon-to-be-sister-in-law fill the position. That said, we've begun planning stuff. When I scheduled my first dress searching mission, it was really important that I have all (3) of my mom's (mom-in-law included) to be there as well as all of my 5 bridesmaids, since several of them have to travel quite a distance, to meet one another as a good start to the upcoming year of festivities. Everyone was able to make it save a bridesmaid who's boss wouldn't give her the time off (but she came by later to celebrate privately with me), and my sister. My sister lives at home with my step-mom, who came. I ended up finding my dress that first searching mission, and I explained to my sister that it hurt me that she chose not to come. Her excuse was that was the only time to see her boyfriend. I asked her to come another saturday to pick up my dress, thinking maybe she could see it in person then. Again, I was denied because of "boyfriend" issues. Now I've been prepping the ladies for bridesmaid dress shopping, and my sister has actively voiced that it better not be on a saturday, or else she won't come. But everyone else works mon-fri 9-5 jobs, so saturdays work best. How do I tackle this lack of wanting to participate in your only sister's wedding???? I want my sister there, but if she's not wanting to participate in ANY of the activities she committed to as a bridesmaid, would it be better to let her bow out? Help Please!!!
Posted by sunshinegurl17[/QUOTE]
The only activity she committed to when she agreed to be your bridesmaid was showing up at the wedding in the selected attire.  That is the sole responsibility of a bridesmaid/MOH.  She is not required to go with you to your dress shopping or fittings, and you don't need to have all of your bridesmaids together to try on dresses.  Since your wedding is in 10 months it's frankly too early to go shopping for dresses right now anyway.  Start looking around the 6 months or less mark.  If she's not available or willing to go when others are, go with those who are able/willing and try things on with them, then tell whoever can't make it what styles you're thinking about so they can go on their own time to try them on.  Or, easier still, give all of your ladies a color and/or length and/or fabric and let them pick out something that they feel comfortable in.  Either way they don't need to all go together.

Simply Fated

Now I've been prepping the ladies for bridesmaid dress shopping, and my sister has actively voiced that it better not be on a saturday, or else she won't come. But everyone else works mon-fri 9-5 jobs, so saturdays work best.

Saturdays do not work for your sister. So, either switch it to a Sunday or go with the people who can make it on Saturday, then go another day with your sister.

If she doesn't want to come dress shopping, then just tell her what style and color to buy and let her have at it.

zitiqueen

Whoa.

Stina51286

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_un-involved-sister?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:fc25ab11-8334-4191-aad2-c8dd93e655efPost:d2ff37d0-bd31-490a-84f1-a20c8ab10595">Un-involved Sister????</a>:
[QUOTE] Now I've been prepping the ladies for bridesmaid dress shopping, and my sister has actively voiced that it better not be on a saturday, or else she won't come. But everyone else works mon-fri 9-5 jobs, so saturdays work best.
Posted by sunshinegurl17[/QUOTE]

How do you prep one to go bridesmaid dress shopping?

renegade gaucho

You are taking this wedding thing way too seriously.  There is no responsibility involved with being a MOH beyond getting the dress and showing up on the wedding day.  It is unreasonable to expect people in your wedding party to travel a significant distance for multiple events, and it isn't necessary to have everyone go shopping together.  Your sister doesn't need to go pick up your dress with you, and there is no reason she needs to see it in person before the wedding day.  And I can't imagine what sort of "prep" is needed for bridesmaid dress shopping.

Bridesmaids have not committed to ANY activities except for getting the dress and showing up for the wedding.  If she wants to bow out on her own, of course that's okay.  But it sounds like you're looking for an excuse to kick her out, and that isn't okay.

Peledreamsofrain

Your poor sister is a very patient human being for not flipping out at you yet. You don't own her, and can't command her around just because you decided to marry someone, that's silly. You are turning a position of honor into something burdensome and aweful.

jennyjain

i think just keep in mind that she is a teenager still.  As a teenager, her boyfriend is very important to her (remember thinking you were going to marry your highschool boyfriend?!!!?) and she may not even understand how important these dates are for you.  She may even feel out of place with all the other bridesmaids if they are your age. Maybe you could do some individual shopping or looking with her so you can spend the quality time that you would like. thats just my idea!

JoanE2012

The reality of the situation is.....no one cares about your wedding as much as you do. 

loca4pook

Unlike others who unnecessarily feel the need to rip you, I understand why you feel hurt. I think many here (whether they admit it or not) WOULD feel hurt if their only sister didn't seem excited about their  wedding day. Is it their job to do this stuff with you? No, but anyone with a heart would feel bad if their only sister didn't get excited with them.. I guess unless you have actually had it happen to you, you just don't get how it feels to see a lack of excitement coming from somone you are close with in your life.

I would just talk with her and tell her she means alot to you and it would mean alot to you if she helped pick out the dress because you want HER to feel comfortable in it. I would definitely NOT kick her out of the wedding. Understand, she is in high school so she probably doesn't fully grasp how weddings works. I doubt she has any idea you feel hurt.

Lisa50

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_un-involved-sister?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:fc25ab11-8334-4191-aad2-c8dd93e655efPost:d2ff37d0-bd31-490a-84f1-a20c8ab10595">Un-involved Sister????</a>:
[QUOTE] How do I tackle this lack of wanting to participate in your only sister's wedding???? I want my sister there, but if she's not wanting to participate in ANY of the activities she committed to as a bridesmaid, would it be better to let her bow out? Help Please!!!
Posted by sunshinegurl17[/QUOTE]

From what you've described, it doesn't seem that your sister has said she doesn't want to participate in your wedding.  Unless I'm missing something, it seems she simply doesn't have the time or inclination to engage in these pre-wedding "activities" <em>you</em> feel are commitments.

When I was a bridesmaid, I committed to wearing the outfit assigned by the bride, showing up on time and smiling like my life depended on it for the pictures.  I didn't go shopping with the rest of the crew (no one shopped together, the bride lived in Spain, the rest of us were stateside).  When we came together for the rehearsal dinner, it was a blast.

Please consider giving your sister, and the rest of the bridesmaids, some slack. Try not to feel hurt ... they'll be there when it counts, dressed up and smiling like pros. Have some faith in them. Breathe. Relax.

Stina51286

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_un-involved-sister?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:fc25ab11-8334-4191-aad2-c8dd93e655efPost:57ce9c7b-d3e3-40b6-9b75-828d38d4332d">Re: Un-involved Sister????</a>:
[QUOTE]Unlike others who unnecessarily feel the need to rip you, I understand why you feel hurt. <strong>I think many here (whether they admit it or not) WOULD feel hurt if their only sister didn't seem excited about their  wedding day. Is it their job to do this stuff with you? No, but anyone with a heart would feel bad if their only sister didn't get excited with them..</strong> I guess unless you have actually had it happen to you, you just don't get how it feels to see a lack of excitement coming from somone you are close with in your life. I would just talk with her and tell her she means alot to you and it would mean alot to you if she helped pick out the dress because you want HER to feel comfortable in it. I would definitely NOT kick her out of the wedding. Understand, she is in high school so she probably doesn't fully grasp how weddings works. I doubt she has any idea you feel hurt.
Posted by loca4pook[/QUOTE]

My sister is not remotely excited for me and she could care less. She is younger and just got married this summer. I did her shower and bach party without a thank you (yes I understand I didn't have to). Does this hurt? Yes it does, but I am not going to force her or cry over things that she doesn't want to do with me. I understand that she has a life and some people just are not as excited as others.

I did not see anyone "rip" her.

But I will agree with you that no, she should not kick her out. She is young and "in love" and has her own things going on. Pick a dress that she or whoever is paying for can afford and tell her thats the dres. Simple as that. No prepping needed.

mcda04

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_un-involved-sister?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:fc25ab11-8334-4191-aad2-c8dd93e655efPost:d2ff37d0-bd31-490a-84f1-a20c8ab10595">Un-involved Sister????</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe some other brides-to-be are having this issue, or have dealt with it in the past, but I'd sure like some advice. I have a younger sister, who happens to also be my only sister. When my fiance and I decided on our wedding party, we had some questions between us whether we should have my younger sister (then still in high school) be my maid of honor, or his older, married sister. I took it directly to my sister, asking her if she wanted that responsiblity, and she declined, saying her upcoming years of college were going to take a tax on her time, and to have my soon-to-be-sister-in-law fill the position. That said, we've begun planning stuff. When I scheduled my first dress searching mission, it was really important that I have all (3) of my mom's (mom-in-law included) to be there as well as all of my 5 bridesmaids, since several of them have to travel quite a distance, to meet one another as a good start to the upcoming year of festivities. Everyone was able to make it save a bridesmaid who's boss wouldn't give her the time off (but she came by later to celebrate privately with me), and my sister. My sister lives at home with my step-mom, who came. I ended up finding my dress that first searching mission, and I explained to my sister that it hurt me that she chose not to come. Her excuse was that was the only time to see her boyfriend. I asked her to come another saturday to pick up my dress, thinking maybe she could see it in person then. Again, I was denied because of "boyfriend" issues. Now I've been prepping the ladies for bridesmaid dress shopping, and my sister has actively voiced that it better not be on a saturday, or else she won't come. But everyone else works mon-fri 9-5 jobs, so saturdays work best. How do I tackle this lack of wanting to participate in your only sister's wedding???? I want my sister there, but if she's not wanting to participate in ANY of the activities she committed to as a bridesmaid, would it be better to let her bow out? Help Please!!!
Posted by sunshinegurl17[/QUOTE]
Your sister isn't excited about your wedding becuase it's 8 months out and she's a teenager.
I would just change the dress schedule to a Sunday. I had 4 bridesmaids with completely different body types and  I'm glad we had a shopping appointment. I wanted chiffon and turned out they hated the material. i didn't want to have different materials so they all went with Satin and loved it. They each bought their dresses at different times and it was no big deal.

daisyamers

i disagree with everyone. your sister is being a brat. she should want to go see her sister try on her wedding dress.  my fiance's sister came dress shopping with us and she declined to be in the wedding party due to her anxiety.

Viczaesar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_un-involved-sister?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:fc25ab11-8334-4191-aad2-c8dd93e655efPost:d35d93bd-e8ad-4c4f-98e0-e24e3ce6f523">Re: Un-involved Sister????</a>:
[QUOTE]i disagree with everyone. your sister is being a brat. she should want to go see her sister try on her wedding dress.  my fiance's sister came dress shopping with us and she declined to be in the wedding party due to her anxiety.
Posted by daisyamers[/QUOTE]
What on earth does the second half of your post have to do with the first half? 

sunshinegurl17

Maybe I should make the situation a little more clear.....my sister is a college student who refuses to get a job and makes my parents pay for everything for her. I have explained to her how much it means to me to have my only sister participate in one of my most exciting times in my life. She has said that it's not more important than her time with her abusive boyfriend, who is damanding that she spend every saturday with him or he will break up with her. I've been "prepping" the girls for bridesmaid dress shopping so that they can make sure that (in their busy schedules), that they will be able to participate and for those on a strict budget, that they can gather together the money to buy their dresses in 4 months when we're going shopping. I find it very hurtful when every other bridesmaid I have in my bridal party at least acts excited about wedding things and is more than willing to help, lilsten to me vent, or just be there, when my own sister won't. I already understand that no one else gives a crap. Just like I know that's how I'll feel when my sister gets married, but in my opinion, it's the brides event. Just like I know that I'll have to put up with my sister's demands when she gets married. That's what a bridesmaid does.

sunshinegurl17

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_un-involved-sister?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:fc25ab11-8334-4191-aad2-c8dd93e655efPost:57ce9c7b-d3e3-40b6-9b75-828d38d4332d">Re: Un-involved Sister????</a>:
[QUOTE]Unlike others who unnecessarily feel the need to rip you, I understand why you feel hurt. I think many here (whether they admit it or not) WOULD feel hurt if their only sister didn't seem excited about their  wedding day. Is it their job to do this stuff with you? No, but anyone with a heart would feel bad if their only sister didn't get excited with them.. I guess unless you have actually had it happen to you, you just don't get how it feels to see a lack of excitement coming from somone you are close with in your life. I would just talk with her and tell her she means alot to you and it would mean alot to you if she helped pick out the dress because you want HER to feel comfortable in it. I would definitely NOT kick her out of the wedding. Understand, she is in high school so she probably doesn't fully grasp how weddings works. I doubt she has any idea you feel hurt.
Posted by loca4pook[/QUOTE]

Thanks loca4pook for your support. I have sat down and explained to her that I was hurt and that I really meant a lot to me to be there, since we've been very close all our lives and always did stuff like this together. And now, since we've been planning the wedding, she's distanced herself (and the rest of the family for that matter), and has officially stated that anything that's done on a saturday she can't attend because her boyfriend (who I must let everyone know has been physically abusive to her) demands that she spend saturdays with him or he'll break up with her. I mean, my wedding is on a saturday, will she be able to come??? She committed to being a bridesmaid before she was serious with her boyfriend. We were both raised that family comes first, no matter what. And all I'm asking her to commit to are 5 saturdays...in a year!!! I even gave her the opportunity to come with me to pick it up, just me and her, when I knew for a fact she was free, and she still chose not to come with me.

Why shouldn't I be hurt that after a lifetime of having a close relationship (and even this past summer of still being close) that she's now decided to be MIA???