Changed my mind on a bridesmaid? Haven't officially asked everyone yet

Albanesepartyof2

First of all, I would like to say that I have ALWAYS dreaded picking bridesmaids for my wedding day because I would end up with 15 on each side if all my closest friends stood up. I also wanted to have one rep from my fiance's family on my side and really wanted his cousin that is close to my age to stand up. Well, I sort of blurted it out to her the day I was engaged simply because I was floating on a cloud and things just came out. She said she was honored and started crying that I would think of her....

SINCE THEN...she has gone psycho on me! She had a rough patch with her dating life and is crying and cursing that she never gets a break. I accidentally looked at my engagement ring in front of her and I felt daggers going in to my skull. She has a lot of growing up to do and seems that she can't be happy for me and her cousin if she is not happy and on her way down the aisle (keep in mind she is 3 years younger than me!). I really haven't officially asked anyone with these individual photo collages I made? What are your thoughts? Will I be dealing with Debbie Downer for 12 months? Is there a way out?? HELP! I also don't want to ruin relationships on his side of the family.

-Cheers

mbcdefg

Well, if you asked her to be a bridesmaid on the day of your engagement, then that's the "official" question. The homemade photo collages don't make it official ... the actual question makes it official. So yeah, sounds like you've officially asked her. Take it as a lesson learned not to jump the gun and be more patient in the future.

Were you close to the cousin? From your story, it seems like you just wanted any female member of his family as a bridesmaid, and you picked the cousin because she happens to be about your age. It's nice to want to represent his family, but if you didn't know her well or weren't close to her, then that's Lesson #2 ... your BMs should be close friends. (And if you WERE close, then was it just the dating problems that made her do a Personality 180? Or was she always sort of like this, and the dating problems just exaggerated her bad attitude?)

Anyway ... there's going to be even bigger problems if you boot her out of the wedding. If you think she's nasty now, just wait until how she reacts when you say, "Sorry, Cousin, but since you're not showing enough happiness for me then I'm going to kick you out of my wedding." I'm sure she'll be an even bigger peach if you do that. Plus, remember that people take sides in situations like this (and the bride almost never comes out looking good if she boots a BM, even in the few occasions where the bride is correct to do so), and your FI's family will almost certainly take HER side. Do you really want to deal with years, maybe even a lifetime, of snide comments and dirty looks and hurt feelings over dumping this girl from your wedding party?

So, with a year to go, here's my suggestion ... avoid her for a while and let her cool down, maybe date someone else or snap out of her funk. Don't expect her (or any of your BMs, for that matter) to participate in pre-wedding activities or help you with planning. If any of your BMs volunteer, awesome, but remember that that's not a requirement of being a BM. When it comes time to get the dresses, touch base with her privately to ask her budget (do this for ALL the BMs before you start looking), and then see if she wants to come shopping or if she'll just wear what you and the others pick out. And hopefully, if she's still got a bad attitude by then, she'll drop out of the wedding on her own. If she doesn't, she's fulfilled her requirements as long as she buys the dress and shows up to the ceremony. Expect nothing more from her than that, and don't talk wedding shop with her (other than getting the dress, which happens maybe 6 months out), and hopefully you won't have a problem.

mbcdefg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_changed-mind-bridesmaid-havent-officially-asked-everyone-yet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:fcbacbbf-9339-4d9a-a940-43c0301fe727Post:10332c0a-4abf-47f6-9d72-0a05012e5a12">Changed my mind on a bridesmaid? Haven't officially asked everyone yet</a>:
[QUOTE]First of all, I would like to say that I have ALWAYS dreaded picking bridesmaids for my wedding day because I would end up with 15 on each side if all my closest friends stood up. I also wanted to have one rep from my fiance's family on my side and really wanted his cousin that is close to my age to stand up. Well, I sort of blurted it out to her the day I was engaged simply because I was floating on a cloud and things just came out. She said she was honored and started crying that I would think of her.... SINCE THEN...she has gone psycho on me! She had a rough patch with her dating life and is crying and cursing that she never gets a break. I accidentally looked at my engagement ring in front of her and I felt daggers going in to my skull. She has a lot of growing up to do and seems that she can't be happy for me and her cousin if she is not happy and on her way down the aisle (keep in mind she is 3 years younger than me!). I really haven't officially asked anyone with these individual photo collages I made? What are your thoughts? Will I be dealing with Debbie Downer for 12 months? Is there a way out?? HELP! I also don't want to ruin relationships on his side of the family. -Cheers
Posted by Albanesepartyof2[/QUOTE]

Albanesepartyof2

Thank you for the above. Yes...lessons learned. No, she and I have become very close over the year-not just a member of his side of the family. We workout together several times a week and hang out often. I do think the dating thing made her do the 180 and time is going to really help things. You are right about seeing how bad things could get if I booted her. I will take the time to let her be emotional and include her back into wedding talk slowly.

emilyinchile

Yup, if you asked her, it's official. A collage is cute, but it doesn't seal the deal.

That said, you don't have to "deal with" her for 12 months. Be her friend in the same way you were before. If that means sometimes you guys spend a little time apart, fine, that happens in all friendships. If it means getting ice cream and listening to her talk about the dating situation, do that. Don't go out of your way to bring up wedding stuff or expect her (or anyone) to jump for joy for you every day from now til your wedding because then you WILL be disappointed. If you just forget she's now got this title of BM and treat her as FI's cousin/your friend like normal, I'm sure things will be fine.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_changed-mind-bridesmaid-havent-officially-asked-everyone-yet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:fcbacbbf-9339-4d9a-a940-43c0301fe727Post:10332c0a-4abf-47f6-9d72-0a05012e5a12">Changed my mind on a bridesmaid? Haven't officially asked everyone yet</a>:
[QUOTE]
She has a lot of growing up to do and seems that she can't be happy for me and her cousin if she is not happy and on her way down the aisle (keep in mind she is 3 years younger than me!).
Posted by Albanesepartyof2[/QUOTE]

Why is her age even relevant, exclamation point? Are you 18?

SarahPLiz

mcdefg is sitting in my brain today. Everything she said times 2

Albanesepartyof2

Yes, thank you again mcdefg and SarahPLiz for backing up the original response. I feel a lot better and was caught a little off guard last night when this went down. Naturally, it must be hard to go through breakups and let downs so I need to also remember to be a good friend first and foremost.

As for the age comment-no, it is not an issue. It probably didn't need to be mentioned in my original posting. It was more an immaturity thing more than anything. Age is just a number..

Have a great Wednesday everyone!

megk8oz

Well, mbcdefg kinda covered everything.

The main thing I just want to reiterate at this point is: you asked, she said yes. It doesn't matter that you didn't do it the way you planned on it, it's done now, and "taking it back" is going to create way more family drama than it's worth.

I guess a good way of looking at it is, if your FI had a big elaborate proposal planned out, but he got so excited about asking, that he just blurted out "Will you marry me?" and handed you the ring: if you said 'yes', would you not be really be engaged because he didn't "officially" ask you the way he'd planned? And wouldn't you feel just a little weird/sad if he said a few days later "Oops! Wait, I didn't mean to do it like that, you gotta give me back the ring"?

SarahPLiz

Im glad the WP board could be helpful, Albanese. Good Luck with your planning.