Wedding Party

Fire MOH???

My MOH was the first person I asked to be a part of my wedding party. We had talked before I got engaged to make sure that if she was part of the wedding party that she would be able to afford it. She said that she would be able to afford it as well as being able to afford to have both of her children in the wedding as well. When it came to searching for a bridesmaid dress, my fiance came with me to select the color of dress and my 2 bridesmaids tried on dresses and emailed me pictures so we could decide on one. All of these emails were also sent to my MOH and yet it was almost impossible to get any response other than I will wear whatever you want me to. A dress was picked out with my BM and when I told my MOH that she needed to try on her dress and order it by a certain date she said no problem. We went to order it and they said they needed the full amount in order to place the order and she just looked at me and said she didn't have that much (she new the price of the dress almost a month prior when it was selected). I ended up paying for the dress and she said that she would make payments to me to pay me back. I have not yet received a payment.

I then found a dress for her daughter in a second hand childrens store and bought it. I gave it to her and a week later she bought another dress that she said she liked better.  She then told me that her daughter had tried both of them on and that she was wearing the one her mom bought her for my wedding.

I asked her how she was planning on making it to my wedding as it is in California. She said that she had several plans that she was working on and that as a last resort she was going to rent a car and have one of her friends come with her to help her take care of her kids so that she could take care of any MOH duties. She just asked me if my fiance and I could put a rental car on our credit card because they will hold more on her debit card but that she could give us cash. I was in the middle of a bunch of things and told her I would have to think about it. Obviously the answer is no for many reasons! One of my BM called her to ask if she had any other back up plans and she said that she is sure that we will do this for her.

On top of all this, we scheduled many times to get together and she always cancelled or when I would see her and try to talk to her about wedding stuff she would blow me off or tell me that she was too busy to talk about it. And now she apparently has time to plan a bridal shower and wants to talk all the time (while I am out of town with family). I specifically told her that if she was going to do it at a restaurant that I do not eat food from buffets and she went ahead and called all my friends and told them that it is going to be a this buffet type place.

My fiance just told me that he has never liked her and wished that I would fire her from our wedding party.  I do plan on talking to her about the financial situation as soon as I am home but is there anyway to correctly handle this? Is it appropriate to "fire" her and can I ask for the dress back since I paid for it?

Sorry it is so long! Just don't know what to do!!!

Re: Fire MOH???

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_fire-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:fd6626be-e117-4c94-b97a-10b5ac8c917fPost:dbcfcc49-7a96-4dc6-9e80-a42c3cfc898b">Re: Fire MOH???</a>:
    [QUOTE]I missed the buffet thing.  If you don't eat buffet food, what do you do at parties and weddings with buffet tables?
    Posted by gottahavashorti[/QUOTE]

    this should be a good answer haha.
  • xoxobxoxob member
    1000 Comments

    I want to know the buffet answer! buffet food freaks me out, but I still (cautiously) eat it! Especially at a wedding or party, where I know the food hasn't been sitting out for hours.

    ...I've had really horrible buffet experiences.

  • I can't be bothered to come up with a creative response to this. Read the 8 katrillion other posts about firing your WP, and realize that the answer is no. And no, your situation is not special because you lent her money (although I do agree that you shouldn't put her rental car on your credit card). If in the end she can't figure out a way to get to your wedding, and you're not willing to foot the bill, she has removed herself from the WP, which solves your problem without making you the bitchy one.

    You might read a post or two about how pre-wedding parties are a gift that you don't get to plan, while you're at it. It's weird that she's planning something you specifically said you don't like, but just graciously accept the gift of the party, don't stamp your foot like a spoiled child and say that you wanted something else.
  • xoxobxoxob member
    1000 Comments
    Oh! I thought of a solution for the dress payments, just outsource to a collection agency.
  • 1)  Just pay for the dress.

    2)  If she gives you cash beforehand, go ahead and put the rental car on your credit card. 

    3)  You don't have a say in your shower.  It's not about eating anyway.  Just graciously say you'd rather not have a shower if you're that opposed to buffets.

    4)  Your FI not liking her has nothing to do with this.

    Conclusion, you have no reason to kick her out. 
  • As far as the shower goes, she is not paying for it. She is having it at a restaurant so that everyone can pay for themselves, including me.  I have looked at the menu and the first thing they have you do is order between 2 different buffets.  I have been working in the medical field long enough to know how unsanitary buffets can be, even in the restaurant is good about them.

    When it comes MOH duties, have any of you read the MOH duties on this website. The MOH is supposed to be there for the bride. I don't expect her to bend over backwards for me, but at least be willing to talk once a week or so. I don't think that is too much to ask. If they are not "into" weddings, then they shouldn't accept. It is a position of honor. Not a position that is deserved no matter how you treat your supposed friend.

    I am also not going to pay for her way to our wedding. We have our own financial obligations to get to our own wedding that we are not going to take the risk of renting a car for someone that is going to be traveling. She understood the financial obligations of this position and agreed to them. While her financial situation has not changed, mine has and I do not have the income to support her.

    I understand and am greatful for the advice on that it is not possible to "fire" her, but I definitely am going to have a chat with her about the financial responsibilities and state it in a way that I should not have put her in that position. Hopefully, she will agree and understand and will back down graciously. I can not just wait it out and see if she makes it or not as there is money that has been or will be paid toward flowers for her and her children and a tux for her son.

    Would you think it would be okay to say that I put too much financial burden on her and that maybe it would be better if she had her kids stay with their grandmother while she flew out as a solution? 

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_fire-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:fd6626be-e117-4c94-b97a-10b5ac8c917fPost:68da4323-343e-429a-ab45-25a273bcf441">Re: Fire MOH???</a>:
    [QUOTE]As far as the shower goes, she is not paying for it. She is having it at a restaurant so that everyone can pay for themselves, including me.  I have looked at the menu and the first thing they have you do is order between 2 different buffets.  I have been working in the medical field long enough to know how unsanitary buffets can be, even in the restaurant is good about them. <strong><u>When it comes MOH duties, have any of you read the MOH duties on this website. The MOH is supposed to be there for the bride. I don't expect her to bend over backwards for me, but at least be willing to talk once a week or so. I don't think that is too much to ask. If they are not "into" weddings, then they shouldn't accept. It is a position of honor. Not a position that is deserved no matter how you treat your supposed friend.</u></strong> I am also not going to pay for her way to our wedding. We have our own financial obligations to get to our own wedding that we are not going to take the risk of renting a car for someone that is going to be traveling. She understood the financial obligations of this position and agreed to them. While her financial situation has not changed, mine has and I do not have the income to support her. I understand and am greatful for the advice on that it is not possible to "fire" her, but I definitely am going to have a chat with her about the financial responsibilities and state it in a way that I should not have put her in that position. Hopefully, she will agree and understand and will back down graciously. I can not just wait it out and see if she makes it or not as there is money that has been or will be paid toward flowers for her and her children and a tux for her son. Would you think it would be okay to say that I put too much financial burden on her and that maybe it would be better if she had her kids stay with their grandmother while she flew out as a solution? 
    Posted by jenjobe[/QUOTE]

    Honey, your MOH has NO duties other than to show up in her dress and smile for pictures at your wedding.  Why do you not understand this?

    If she had money problems, why on earth would you ask her and her kids to be in the wedding??   
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  • [QUOTE]As far as the shower goes, she is not paying for it. She is having it at a restaurant so that everyone can pay for themselves, including me.  I have looked at the menu and the first thing they have you do is order between 2 different buffets.  I have been working in the medical field long enough to know how unsanitary buffets can be, even in the restaurant is good about them.
    <strong>The guests should not be paying.  If they are, you should turn down the shower.</strong>

    When it comes MOH duties, have any of you read the MOH duties on this website. The MOH is supposed to be there for the bride. I don't expect her to bend over backwards for me, but at least be willing to talk once a week or so. I don't think that is too much to ask. If they are not "into" weddings, then they shouldn't accept. It is a position of honor. Not a position that is deserved no matter how you treat your supposed friend.
    <strong>It's an honor, not a job.  It's something you do to honor your friend, not something that gives her obligations.  This website is a for profit website that wants you to buy their stuff, they don't care how your friends are treated.  The wedding party board does.</strong>

     I am also not going to pay for her way to our wedding. We have our own financial obligations to get to our own wedding that we are not going to take the risk of renting a car for someone that is going to be traveling. She understood the financial obligations of this position and agreed to them. While her financial situation has not changed, mine has and I do not have the income to support her. I understand and am greatful for the advice on that it is not possible to "fire" her, but I definitely am going to have a chat with her about the financial responsibilities and state it in a way that I should not have put her in that position. Hopefully, she will agree and understand and will back down graciously. I can not just wait it out and see if she makes it or not as there is money that has been or will be paid toward flowers for her and her children and a tux for her son. Would you think it would be okay to say that I put too much financial burden on her and that maybe it would be better if she had her kids stay with their grandmother while she flew out as a solution?
    <strong>No.  Let her figure out all of this on her own.  Suggesting these things makes it sound like you want her to step down.  If the flowers and such were part of your budget in the first place, then yes, it would be annoying but it shoudn't be an issue.</strong>

    Posted by jenjobe[/QUOTE]
  • You should just decline the shower, then. Guests should not be paying for their meals.
    Do not fire her or make her feel bad. If she can't afford to go to your wedding, then she won't be in it.
                       
  • Read the note at the top of this page.  It lists the duties of the WP.

    I DO think you're well within your rights to decline any shower where the guests need to pay for their food.  That's just rude to  your shower guests.

    Beyond that, be firm with what you will and won't pay for but don't fire her.  That's just not being fair on YOUR part.
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