Ugh. Form Above Substance...

emilykathleen511

I have always said that it doesn't pay to put form above substance, and now it's happened directly to me, and I gotta say that it hurts. My husband and I have the same best friend who is getting married in October. We are at least equally best friends with him, if anything, I would say that I'm a little closer to him. He asked my husband to be in his wedding party and has called him a few times since getting engaged. He hasn't even talked to me.

I know that the bride and groom get to completely choose the wedding party, and everyone is just supposed to understand. But I don't. Just because I have lady parts, I'm not important? It stings. Tell you what. Once I get over it, I'll call him and be all excited, but just can't muster it right now (possibly pregnancy hormones are a factor). I just had to get that out. *sigh*

Simply Fated

That really does suck. I'm learning so much on these forums, and one of those things is how ridiculous "boys on the boy's side and girls on the girl's side" really does sound.


Are you sure it's a gender thing and there isn't any other reason he didn't choose you?
I'm not sayng there probably is another reason, it's just one of those questions that seems to come to mind when trying to get the whole story.

emilykathleen511

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_ugh-form-above-substance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:fdcc50c1-9523-443d-82d3-eaa60cdbc123Post:5bdb598c-4d3c-46d2-8916-27d991ec4452">Re: Ugh. Form Above Substance...</a>:
[QUOTE]That really does suck. I'm learning so much on these forums, and one of those things is how ridiculous "boys on the boy's side and girls on the girl's side" really does sound. <strong>Are you sure it's a gender thing and there isn't any other reason he didn't choose you?</strong> I'm not sayng there probably is another reason, it's just one of those questions that seems to come to mind when trying to get the whole story.
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

I don't think so. He is a pretty traditional guy. He is very Catholic and I could see him wanting to do everything in the "traditional" way, whatever that means. I don't know how many people are standing up for his fiancée, but I would bet a good sum of money that they have "even" sides too.

lauralaur

My brother offered to step down from our wedding party when he found out the sides were not even. I told him I was hurt and asked why he didn't want to be a part of the wedding. He genuinely thought the sides were supposed to be even and that he was doing an honorable thing to help us out. People don't stop to think about these things, they just think it's the way it's supposed to be.

I'm sorry you're feeling sad.

loca4pook

I would try not to take it personally. Until I came to the knot, I have never heard of (let alone been at a wedding that had it) uneven or "switched gender" sides. It might be talked about alot on here, but I would be curious as to how common it really is..........He probably had no idea it was even an option, so it might have ZERO to do with you.

GoodLuckBear14

Long time no see EmilyKathleen

I've kind of been where you are.  I was the only sibling left out of my brother's wedding.  Friends of theirs even did readings.  The reason I got for being just a guest was that the bride's sister was MOH, by other brother was Best Man and they did not want uneven sides.  Not going to lie, it still hurts.

GoodLuckBear14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_ugh-form-above-substance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:fdcc50c1-9523-443d-82d3-eaa60cdbc123Post:bff0474e-6515-4f38-b5ae-6271c8450c0c">Re: Ugh. Form Above Substance...</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't know where people get this idea about even sides. That has never been a tradition. Lousy way to treat friends.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

Probably because that is what people saw growing up, in movies, books, etc.  Hell, before TK, I thought it was some kind of wedding law.  I'm not the least bit surprised people don't know it isn't necessary.

TKzilla

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_ugh-form-above-substance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:fdcc50c1-9523-443d-82d3-eaa60cdbc123Post:bd89a7a8-84eb-44f8-b048-2712094246bc">Re: Ugh. Form Above Substance...</a>:
[QUOTE]So sorry, Emily!  That sucks! My brother actually point blank TOLD me that he wanted me in his WP, but didn't think his conservative church would "handle having a woman in a man's role" very well. I didn't actually WANT to be in the WP (I have done 9, and I will not do any more unless the non-sexual life partner gets married at some point), but it still sucked big time to know that my vagina was the reason I was not given the honor.  
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

<div>When I originally stated that I wanted my gay best friend to stand on my side, three separate people asked if he was going to wear a dress. They each got the death glare. They aren't gender roles! You have the people who are important to you stand on your side, male or female!</div>

GoodLuckBear14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_ugh-form-above-substance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:fdcc50c1-9523-443d-82d3-eaa60cdbc123Post:7e29a07f-558b-43a5-8405-a57523dfead7">Re: Ugh. Form Above Substance...</a>:
[QUOTE]Hell, before TK, I thought it was some kind of wedding law.  I'm not the least bit surprised people don't know it isn't necessary. Why would anyone think that??? After all, what happens if you don't do it? Your marriage isn't valid? Princess Diana had a large wedding party. Charles had his two brothers. Nobody thought that was weird. I'm 49. I didn't know people made a big deal out of even sides until I came to The Knot.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

For God's sake Retread, looking at the wedding photos of all of my relatives growing up, all of my neighbors, every movie, reading every book, etc.  there were always even sides.  I think this is true of most people.  If it never crossed your mind then you are in a very distinct minority so stop insinuating that people are total idiots for thinking this is normal - because for most, it is what we have always known.  In fact, in the very beginning sides were even because the men were literally escorting the girls down the aisle acting in their roles as protectors.  You may as well throw a fit of "where did brides ever get the idea that wedding rings are necessary, or white dresses and veils are the norm."  People know what they see. 

emilykathleen511

Thanks everyone! In the end, it's not such a big deal. It sucks, but oh well, I know he doesn't mean how it is coming across to me, so I really just need to let it go. But I appreciate that you ladies understand.